EPISODE 3: SALVATORE'S ULTRA FANCY SUPER SECRET NON-PATENTED CORPSE DROP CONTRAPMENT
PIP
This new episode of Amelia’s Appraisals is dedicated to Macayla Henry, HR Manager at HR Agent, who died under circumstances involving a hammer, three paper clips, and a homemade tornado. She has since re-emerged as a stand-up comedian in Plockton, Scotland, where audiences have swelled to thirteen on multiple occasions, a statistic she mentions whenever possible.
Summer is here, and we’re getting ready to take over Theatreship in London for the first week of August. We’ll be performing The Amelia Project live, screening Delivery After Dark, our very first film, and doing an onstage talk with an audio drama academic from Romania, yes you heard that right. You can find the full programme and tickets at ameliapodcast.com under live events, and livestream tickets are now available too. We hope to see you this summer, but for now, on with the show!
The WORKSHOP - HR PERSON, JOEY and SALVATORE
THE DOOR TO THE WORKSHOP CREAKS OPEN. SALVATORE IS WELDING SOMETHING. JOEY SNORES IN A CORNER.
HR PERSON
Hello...? Hello? Hello!
(SALVATORE STOPS WELDING AND OPENS HIS VISOR)
SALVATORE
Buongiorno! It's the other way.
HR PERSON
Sorry?
SALVATORE
His office is the other end of the hall.
HR PERSON
Who's office?
SALVATORE
I don't know his name.
HR PERSON
You don't know your co-worker's name?
SALVATORE
Nah.
HR PERSON
So you're pretty new here then?
SALVATORE
Nah, it's normal. I had an uncle we only ever called "Il Dito" - means "the finger". To this day, I don't know Il Dito's real name. Or if he was actually my uncle. Or if he even had fingers. He always wore mittens. Huge leather mittens, one size too big. He was a very scary man.
HR PERSON
Right.
SALVATORE
It's just the completely different end of the hall. The door right at the end, can't miss it. Sign that says: "Stay out! Unless you bring Maltesers."
HR PERSON
I'm actually here to see you.
SALVATORE
Me?
HR PERSON
Yes -
SALVATORE
He sent you?
HR PERSON
No, Amelia -
SALVATORE
Amelia sent you? Why? Is that true? Are you lying to me?
HR PERSON
I'm not -
SALVATORE
Nobody lies to SALVATORE, I tell you! If I find out you're pullin' a funny one, I'm gonna make sure you too need to wear mittens for the rest of your life! Capiche?
HR PERSON
I get the drift...
SALVATORE
Good. Now why are you here?
HR PERSON
I come from HR Agent. We're an external HR company. I'm here to do an appraisal.
SALVATORE
Extermination? There's no rats, we take care of that ourselves. JOEY and I don't like rats.
HR PERSON
No, no, I'm not an exterminator.
SALVATORE
But you said...
HR PERSON
I said external.
SALVATORE
Oh - but it's daytime?
HR PERSON
Sorry?
Beat.
I'm here to conduct an appraisal. With you and... JOEY.
SALVATORE
JOEY! JOEY, wake up!
JOEY wakes up and scrambles to his feet.
JOEY
Huh?
SALVATORE
This person's here on some funny business. Amelia sent them.
JOEY
Oh. Buona noches.
SALVATORE
It's morning.
JOEY
Is it?
HR PERSON
I come from a company called HR Agent -
JOEY
You're a secret agent?! That's so dope!
HR PERSON
No, I... I'm sorry, I'm afraid I'm not a secret agent.
JOEY
Oh.
SALVATORE
That's a bit of a misleading name then. Are you a real estate agent?
HR PERSON
No. I hoped Amelia would have informed you that I'm coming. But she didn't. Now, I'm here to do an appr -
(THINKS THE BETTER OF USING SUCH A DIFFICULT WORD)
- I'm here to talk to you about your work situation.
JOEY
Oh.
SALVATORE
Right. Like what?
HR PERSON
We could start with what it is that you do. What's this for example?
SALVATORE
Oh, I'm welding a hearse.
HR PERSON
You're fixing a car!
SALVATORE
Pretty much making one from scratch.
HR PERSON
That's very nifty.
SALVATORE
Yeah, it has a secret compartment here - you see?
HR PERSON
Yes?
SALVATORE
So, when the coffin goes on top there, you can slip out the bottom and into the hull!
JOEY
I call it SALVATORE's Ultra Fancy Super Secret Non-Patented Corpse Drop Contraption!
SALVATORE
No crawling, no fiddling with doors or levers. The driver pushes the button and - plop!
HR PERSON
(CONFUSED) Wow...? But why do you need the - ?
SALVATORE
And you don't have to worry. I'm putting in plenty of cushions. It's as soft as if you're landing on ducklings.
JOEY
Without beaks! I've landed on ducklings once, those small bastards bite hard!
HR PERSON
What do you mean I don't have to worry? You're not planning to test this on me, are you?
SALVATORE
You're not Biniyam Burrows?
HR PERSON
I'm clearly not.
SALVATORE
Oh. Then why are you here to look at the corpse drop? It's for Biniyam's case.
HR PERSON
I'm not here for the hearse specifically, I'm here to find out how the two of you are getting on here at The Amelia Project.
SALVATORE
Ah, pretty good. No one tries to kill us.
HR PERSON
Eh... What about the office brawls?
SALVATORE and JOEY laugh.
SALVATORE
You heard about the office brawls?
JOEY
Ah, they're fun!
SALVATORE
No, we don't feel very threatened. We're stronger than the others.
JOEY
Apart from Kozlowski. When he gets angry...
SALVATORE
Or he gets out that injector gun!
JOEY
I hate the injector gun!
SALVATORE
But apart from that.
JOEY
We're the strong men, right?
HR PERSON
Strong men who... put guns in everything? According to Amelia. She said you have a penchant for adding firearms to things you build.
JOEY
That's all Salvatore. I take no credit. I'm better at firing them.
SALVATORE
Not so good at hittin' things.
JOEY
No.
SALVATORE
But very good at firing.
JOEY
Definitely.
HR PERSON
So are there firearms concealed in this hearse then? I'm just trying to get a sense of whether Amelia's description was an exaggeration or not.
SALVATORE
Listen. Biniyam.
HR PERSON
I'm not Biniyam.
SALVATORE
Until I know your real name you're Biniyam to me.
HR PERSON
Biniyam's a man's name.
SALVATORE
Listen, lady Biniyam. I've added a Super-Thrust Turbo Engine for Immediate Getaway Scenarios. I've added GPS, heat vision, radar and sonar for steering. I've added spring ejectors to every seat, hydraulic coffin expulsion, a cowcatcher and a solar powered bird bath on the roof. This car don't need any more gadgets. Alright?
HR PERSON
Alright.
SALVATORE
So there's only one tommy gun hidden in the exhaust pipe and that's it.
Beat.
JOEY
The engine sputters every time you shoot. You can't hear the gun! It's so clever. I call it the -
HR PERSON
OK, fine, let's not talk about the hearse anymore. Let's talk about your work situation. Do you have any complaints / or is everything OK - ?
(JOEY AND SALVATORE BOTH JUMP IN WITH THE SPEED OF A TRAIN AT THE WORD "COMPLAINT"!)
SALVATORE
Complaints? We're allowed to complain? Well alright, I'll tell you my complaints! Gee! Every day, all day long we're hauling corpses, big corpses, small corpses, blue corpses, green corpses, complete corpses, partial corpses. If there's a type of corpse, you can bet I've lugged it up some stairs and down some stairs and into buildings and out of buildings and into bloody fields and forests and up fricking mountainsides! And it's not that they're too heavy, I could spend all day in the gym! It's that they're so bloody unwieldy! I've asked Kozlowski to stiffen them up or give them handles or wheels or somethin', but noooo, they've got to look realistic, yada yada yada! And then there's the stench! It's worse than Joey fartin'! And sometimes the head comes off - I mean off the corpse, not off Joey- and when it does it's suddenly 'aww that's your fault', when it's clearly just shoddy stitchin'! Kozlowski shouldn't get the cocoa man to stitch, because he's much too dainty! It's not bloody lace it's dead skin! And ya know, I'm gettin' older, it's no secret, I'm goin' grey on my tummy hairs and Joey has a bald spot - though he doesn't know - and we're gettin' back pain from all this work! And it's every which hour of the day! And then there's contamination! I'm not stupid, I know corpses can have the flu! And I don't wanna get it!
JOEY
(COMPLETELY OVERLAPPING WITH SALVATORE)
Did you say "complain"? Because that's new. Amelia always says if I have a complaint, I should go into the downstairs lavatory and shout into the bowl. Which I've tried, but it didn't work, nothin' happened. So if you wanna know, well... Thing is, the one thing I don't like about working here is how Kozlowski's always wanting to experiment on me. It's sometimes very degrading, you know. Like that time he gave me a whale penis, cause at first I thought it'd impress the ladies! But then I was luggin' around this huge thing sticking out of my trouser legs and I felt like a proper idiota. Looked like someone gave me a prosthetic leg only they forgot to amputate the old one. So I'm really glad I got my old little penis back because actually it does the job and it's kind'a pretty, even if it ain't that huge. And then there's all the diseases I've had to try like the Meningococcal Mumps and the Ence-phali-tistical Ebola and the Poli-olo-scoliosis and the Slightly Differing Diphtheria and the Dengue Merengue Fever and the Hip-hop-a-titis and the Chicken and Fox-pox and the Henpox and the Cockerel Pox and the Cocque-a-vin-pox. It's gettin' kinda tirin'!
BEAT.
SALVATORE
Did I mention the long workin' hours? When's a handsome fella supposed to get his beauty sleep?
JOEY
That one's not a concern for me. I feel like I get enough sleep.
HR PERSON
Wow. That's... a lot.
SALVATORE
Did you take notes?
HR PERSON
You talked a lot about the transportation of...
SALVATORE
Corpses.
JOEY
Dead folks.
HR PERSON
...remains. But during the service itself, what's your job?
SALVATORE
Service? You mean the funeral?
HR PERSON
Yes. Or memorial service or whatever the clients require.
SALVATORE
Oh, I see. Well it differs. There was that one time, Joey had to be the pastor but he fell asleep in the middle of the sermon and fell from the pulpit.
JOEY
And that time Salvatore had to be up in the bell tower to drop the bell on cue!
SALVATORE
And that time Joey had to conduct the tubular orchestra but fell asleep and landed on the tubes and it was so noisy the client came jumpin' out the coffin! But you didn't wake up, did you!
JOEY
(LAUGHS) I didn't!
SALVATORE
You didn't wake up until Kozlowski pulled that one tube out your bottom!
JOEY
Don't know how it got in there.
SALVATORE
My theory is one of those tubular playin' brats got annoyed at you landin' on their instrument and -
JOEY
Oh, and that was that time you had to be in the audience and go into hysterics on cue so no one would notice old miss Lemon slippin' out behind the pulpit!
SALVATORE
And that time me and Joey were two of Ms. Xander's pallbearers, but Joey fell asleep at the top of the hill whilst carrying and we all lost our grip when he let go and the coffin came rollin' down! Whooosh! The replacement corpse went flying and landed right on top of a wheelbarrow, which was handy, cos we could just tip it into the grave -
HR PERSON
Sorry - replacement... remains?
SALVATORE
Replacement corpse, yeah.
HR PERSON
Why was there a replacement... c... corpse?
SALVATORE
Because Mrs Xander had been blown up in a spectacular explosion!
HR PERSON
Right... I see... I'm learning a lot about your line of work. I'd never thought about what you do if the family has a tradition of an open casket, but the body has been... mutilated.
SALVATORE
Exploded.
HR PERSON
Yes.
SALVATORE
Happens all the time.
JOEY
Her head looked like an octopus sausage!
HR PERSON
Sorry?
JOEY
An octopus sausage!
SALVATORE
JOEY prefers when I cut his sausages like a star at the end before frying them so they sprawl out like they have octopus arms.
JOEY
I got to help Kozlowski! I used a meat cleaver!
HR PERSON
Making octopus sausages...?
JOEY
Fixing Mrs. Xander's head!
HR PERSON
I don't...? Never mind. Let's move on. I think I've heard enough about the...
(FEELS A BIT SICK)
...specifics of your workload. Let's talk about your wants and needs.
SALVATORE
Wants and needs?
HR PERSON
Yes. At work, is there anything you want, anything you need that you don't currently have?
SALVATORE
For real? Aw, this is like Christmas! I can't believe Amelia sent you!
JOEY
Can we wish for anything?
HR PERSON
You can certainly make any wish. I can't guarantee you'll get it.
JOEY
Awesome! And there's no cap like with Secret Santa? I always have to steal stuff, otherwise, how could I get Salvatore a Nintendo Switch if there's a ten-pound limit?
SALVATORE
That was you? Aw, I love my Switch!
JOEY
I knew you do! Only I wish you'd let me play sometimes.
SALVATORE
I'm just gonna finish Zelda first, and then I'll let you try.
JOEY
But -
SALVATORE
I need to check if the game works. Wouldn't want you to be disappointed.
JOEY
Oh.
SALVATORE
So, Biniyam. Can I get more Giallo-films?
HR PERSON
Films? No, no, we're talking about -
SALVATORE
They're awesome. Really violent. They remind me of the motherland.
HR PERSON
I was thinking more of -
JOEY
I want an ice cream machine! Soft serve!
SALVATORE
I want a bubble bath!
JOEY
Oh, and a sauna!
SALVATORE
I want a Ferrari!
JOEY
You fixed up that one Ferrari.
SALVATORE
One we don't blow up, one that I can keep.
JOEY
I want a flesh light!
HR PERSON
What is a flesh light?
JOEY
I'm not sure, but I think it's a light that makes all the walls in your room look like flesh! And then either you feel like you've been eaten by a big monster, or you feel like you're still inside the womb and you feel like a foetus again and you're all innocent and you have no responsibility in the whole world and you can just sleep!
SALVATORE
I'd like a new lighter. It's run out of gas.
Beat.
HR PERSON
Listen, you've got the wrong end of the stick. I'm not Santa Claus. I'm here to evaluate your performance.
JOEY
Evaluate?
SALVATORE
You're here to do what?
HR PERSON
Assess your workplace performance. What you achieve in your work, and if there's any room for improvement - personal improvement - which would make you feel proud and -SALVATORE
Vattene! Get out!
JOEY
Who do you think you are?
SALVATORE
Joey, give me a hand!
JOEY
With pleasure!
HR PERSON
Now, listen, it's not a bad thing -
JOEY
Why me?
SALVATORE
Yeah, why us, eh? We're bustin' our arses while other people here drink cocoa and play fuckin' tiddlydicks! Now, Joey, get her out of my workshop!
JOEY
Please, will you - !
SALVATORE
Yeah!
Ironic:
"Please" leave! Assessing me! Vattene! Joey, kick her out!
HR PERSON
No no, wait, an appraisal is just -
SALVATORE
I'll put my appraisal up your backside! Now, Joey kick her out!
JOEY
You're not the boss of me!
SALVATORE
You're right, she's not the boss of us!
JOEY
NO I MEAN YOU! YOU'RE NOT MY BOSS!
Silence.
SALVATORE
Scusa?
JOEY
You're always bossing me around. And I can't take it anymore. You're out of line!
SALVATORE
How d'you figure?
JOEY
You're not my boss!
SALVATORE
I'm your senior!
JOEY
You're not!
SALVATORE
I'm your line manager!
JOEY
We've got the same job! We just do different things!
SALVATORE
That makes no sense! And I'm older than you!
JOEY
By how much?
SALVATORE
I don't know the maths! Doesn't matter, I'm awake, so that makes me the boss!
JOEY
All the best bosses are asleep, that's how you know they're the top boss, they don't need to do nothin'!
SALVATORE
Oh, so you're the boss now cos you sleep at work?
JOEY
None of us is the boss! Amelia's the boss!
SALVATORE
She's not! Cocoa dude's the boss!
JOEY
Cocoa dude? He's the secretary!
SALVATORE
Alvina's the secretary! You idiota! Cocoa man does the interviews!
JOEY
No you're the idiota! Alvina's the Client Outburst Officer!
SALVATORE
Well she's not your boss that's for sure! Cos that's me!
JOEY
You're not! Listen, I don't know who's boss! Maybe it's Alvina, maybe it's Kozlowski, maybe it's Amelia! But it's definitely NOT YOU! But you always act like this big man, you say "do this, do that" - !
SALVATORE
Cos you never know what to do! What would you actually get up to if I didn't tell you? Huh? Nothin'! Because, one: You're asleep when they give the order! Then two: You're asleep again when they repeat it! And three: You show zero initiative!
JOEY
I initiated Sundae Sundays!
SALVATORE
OK, outside ice cream, what have you initiated? You're always asleep!
JOEY
I'm tired cos you boss me 'round so much!
SALVATORE
Oh, come here you little - !
They break into a fight. Punches land, stuff gets knocked over, perhaps the welder is turned back on again at one point.
(SCREAMING AND SHOUTING. THE HR PERSON HIDES. SHRIEKS. THIS GOES ON FOR A WHILE)
HR PERSON
Oh for god's sake...
(THE HR PERSON GETS OUT FROM THEIR HIDING PLACE)
HR PERSON
STOOOOOOOP!!
(JOEY AND SALVATORE STOP. THEY BREATHE HEAVILY)
JOEY
What?
HR PERSON
In my decades of organizational consulting, I’ve witnessed a lot of things. But nothing. Nothing like this. However, I think at the root of this - behind the blatant violence - I can see what the problem is.
SALVATORE
Yeah, he is.
JOEY
He is.
SALVATORE
He is.
JOEY
He is.
HR PERSON
Now please, sit down, breathe and listen to me for a second.
(JOEY AND SALVATORE SIT DOWN)
SALVATORE
A'ight.
HR PERSON
Numerous times I have seen the catastrophic consequences of treating employees as interchangeable units rather than complex, nuanced individuals.
SALVATORE
I'm very complex.
JOEY
And I'm nuanced.
HR PERSON
One particular incident crystallizes this understanding. Two professionals, pushed to their breaking point in a high-pressure environment, escalated their conflict to a physical confrontation. Fisticuffs. Nothing like this. But still. The conventional playbook would dictate immediate disciplinary action, perhaps termination, or a structured intervention that reads like a legal document. But no! No.
Instead I initiated a more surgical approach.
JOEY
You're gonna operate on us?
HR PERSON
No no no.
SALVATORE
You could try lobotomizing him, that might work.
JOEY
defiantly
Wouldn't change nothin'.
HR PERSON
I got the parties to talk, to try to reveal the underlying truth. And I did. What appeared to be a fundamental personal incompatibility was, in reality, a communication breakdown fueled by unaddressed systemic pressures.
JOEY
Huh?
HR PERSON
An extraordinary transformation occurred by creating space for genuine dialogue and listening beyond the surface-level narratives. These same individuals who moments before were unable to occupy the same room voluntarily reconciled, establishing a working relationship founded on mutual understanding.
SALVATORE
Like he said: Huh?
HR PERSON
I'm just trying to see if I have any tools in my toolbox.
JOEY
We're in a workshop, there's plenty of tools.
HR PERSON
Salvatore. I don't think you feel superior to Joey.
BEAT.
SALVATORE
How'd'you know?
JOEY
What?
HR PERSON
I'm good at my job. Now, please. Tell him. I can see you care about him.
SALVATORE
Well... Yeah, I mean...
HR PERSON
Tell him.
SALVATORE
Listen, JOEY, mate. I don't want anyone to compare the two of us 'cause... 'cause I don't know who they'd keep.
JOEY
Scusa?
SALVATORE
If they were to fire one of us. I think they'd keep you.
JOEY
They'd obviously keep you! You're the one who does everything! I just fall asleep, like you said. I'm useless.
SALVATORE
You're not useless. You can take a beating like no one I've ever met!
JOEY
(CHUCKLES) I can.
SALVATORE
You're indestructible, you're like a superhero. But me? They got Luke in, didn't they. To build stuff. And Kozlowski also builds stuff. I try to impress them, but there's only so many guns I can fit into a blender, you know?
JOEY
I suppose...
SALVATORE
And all the time, they treat you with such... understanding. They always give you an easy time. Cos they like you more.
JOEY
I thought they gave you all the jobs cos they like you more!
SALVATORE
Maybe they don't like any of us!
JOEY
It's us against the world.
SALVATORE
You and me.
JOEY
You and me.
HR PERSON
Maybe they like both of you equally much.
SALVATORE
Nah...!
JOEY
Nah, that doesn't sound right.
HR PERSON
Regardless, I'm not here to fire anyone. Or recommend anyone gets fired.
SALVATORE
You're not?
HR PERSON
No.
SALVATORE
Aw, that's a relief!
HR PERSON
I'm just here to get you to... connect.
JOEY
Aw, thank you. We needed that.
HR PERSON
To get you to talk.
SALVATORE
Talk?
HR PERSON
Yes, to spill the tea as it were about -
SALVATORE
You want us to snitch?
HR PERSON
No no no -
SALVATORE
You're here to get us to rat on people? Who do you think we are!
JOEY
That goes against the code!
HR PERSON
No I - !
SALVATORE
Get out!
JOEY
Yeah, get out!
SALVATORE
Vattene!
JOEY
Vattene!
SALVATORE
Come on, mate, let's throw her out together!
JOEY
Let's! I'll grab the legs!
(JOEY AND SALVATORE SCRAMBLE TO THEIR FEET. SO DOES THE HR PERSON. THE HR PERSON RUNS OUT)
HR PERSON
No no no, no need! I'll leave! I'll leave! I'll leave on my own accord! We're done anyway!
(THE DOOR SLAMS SHUT BEHIND HER)
JOEY
Want me to weld for a bit? You could catch a nap?
SALVATORE
Nah. You just sleep. You're better at it.
END OF EPISODE.
The Amelia Project is a production of Imploding Fictions. This episode featured:
Stan Morris as JOEY
Fernando Tiberini as SALVATORE
And Jen Austen as the HR agent.
It was written and directed by Øystein Ulsberg Brager, with direction and story editing by Philip Thorne and dialogue editing by Omer Mansano. Sound design by Paul Kraner, music by Fredrik Baden, graphic design by Anders Pedersen and production assistance by Maty Parzival.
The Executive Producer was Emelda Bates who will disappear whilst testing a new sports car, when two Italian mobsters burst onto the scene committing grand theft auto, shoving Emelda into the boot of the car, and speeding off, never to be seen again.
Amelia’s Appraisals would not have been possible without the generous support from HR Agent. You can find them at hragent.com
As always, we’d also like to thank all of our patrons, whose monthly pledges are the foundation on which all of our creative endeavours are built. If you’re a patron of The Amelia Project, from as little as 5 dollars, you’ll get free livestream access to our summer events aboard Theatreship.
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