AMELIA’S APPRAISALS EPISODE TWO – BANDAGES
PIP
Welcome back to Amelia’s Appraisals. Before we dive in, a quick note to say there are still some tickets left for our live show on 4th, 5th, 6th August, but if you can’t come to London in person, we are also livestreaming the shows. It’s an interactive show where you vote in real time on what the characters do next, and as an online audience member, you’ll get a QR code that lets you vote too, along with the live audience. We’ve never done anything quite like this show, we’re really looking forward to it, and we’d love you to experience it too. As a patron you’ll have automatic livestream access to all three shows, otherwise go to ameliapodcast.com and click on “live shows” for in person and online tickets.
This episode of Amelia’s Appraisals is dedicated to Andrew Lake, who died in a spectacular testing accident at a remote desert proving ground, when a prototype tyre failed at extreme speed and launched his car into a fireball visible for miles. The investigation concluded there was nothing left to recover but melted metal and a few fragments of racing gear. Andrew is now the proprietor of a small motorcycle and bicycle workshop on New Zealand’s South Island, where his days are spent tuning engines, arguing about suspension geometry with locals, and taking long rides along empty coastal roads. Thanks to Andrew and thanks to all our patrons. On with the show!
INTRO
AMELIA’s Appraisals - created by Philip Thorne and Øystein Ulsberg Brager, with music by Fredrik Baden and Sound design by Paul Kraner. Brought to you by HR Agent. Episode 2: Bandages
AMELIA'S OFFICE - AMELIA AND THE HR PERSON
AMELIA HAS BANDAGES AROUND HER HEAD. THEY ARE FALLING OFF, SHE TRIES WRAPPING THEM BACK ON USING ONLY HER LEFT HAND.
AMELIA
There... There we go - no... Argh! I just... Bloody gauze!
HR PERSON
Quite literally.
AMELIA
Don't worry, I can get it back on.
HR PERSON
What if you use both hands?
AMELIA
Mmm - no. That won't work. I'm very deft with my left hand. Deft with my left!
HR PERSON
I've seen hindu's adorn their turbans, they always use two hands.
AMELIA
Not comparable.
HR PERSON
I suppose not.
AMELIA
See - there we go! The bandages are back on.
(SHE SPITS AND BLOWS TO GET A STRAY PIECE OF BANDAGE OUT OF HER MOUTH)
AMELIA
Sort of.
HR PERSON
Are you okay? Should I come back another time?
AMELIA
It's just a flesh wound.
HR PERSON
Yes, that's what's worrying me.
AMELIA
My skull is intact.
HR PERSON
How did it happen? Did you have an accident on your way to work or did it happen at...?
AMELIA
Oh, right, yes, this is from two days ago. When I called you, actually.
HR PERSON
When you called me, right.
AMELIA
If you remember, on the phone, I was - !
(MAKES A NOISE INDICATING "A BIT LOOPY")
HR PERSON
Yes, you did seem rather -
AMELIA
Well, now you know the circumstances!
HR PERSON
I mean you were quite... quite - !
AMELIA
And now you see why!
HR PERSON
Yes. It's bleeding a lot.
AMELIA
Just a flesh wound.
HR PERSON
So you said.
AMELIA
It's a quote.
HR PERSON
There's blood running down your face.
AMELIA
I'll just wipe it off.
(AMELIA WIPES HER FACE WITH HER SLEEVE. SHE BLOWS THE STRAY GAUZE AWAY AGAIN)
HR PERSON
You look -
AMELIA
Yes?
HR PERSON
Rather terrifying. With those streaks of blood across your face.
AMELIA
Just ignore it.
HR PERSON
I can try.
BEAT.
So this happened literally just before you called me?
AMELIA
It did.
BEAT.
Oh! I was compus menti, if that's what you're wondering.
HR PERSON
Have you been to the A&E?
AMELIA
The ER? No.
HR PERSON
Why not?
AMELIA
I never go. We have an in-house surgeon.
HR PERSON
Right. But the bandages - ! I'm sorry, but, it doesn't seem like your in-house surgeon did a particularly good job. Your bandages keep falling off.
AMELIA
Yeah, I know, they've come loose again... There we go - ouch. Argh, now there's blood in my eye!
HR PERSON
A professional surgeon should be able to -
AMELIA
No, no, I did this myself.
HR PERSON
But you just said -
AMELIA
No, I wrapped myself up.
HR PERSON
Why? If you have an in-house surgeon?
AMELIA
Are you mad? I'd never let that crazy scientist anywhere near my wounds! Who knows what he'd get up to! I'm no guinea pig, no thank you very much.
HR PERSON
But then -
You need medical care.
AMELIA
Oh, it's just a -
HR PERSON
- flesh wound.
AMELIA
Scratch.
HR PERSON
It's bleeding profusely. It's like your face is hiding behind a bloody waterfall. It's very hard having a professional meeting when you're looking like this.
AMELIA
You'll manage.
HR PERSON
It's making me rather queasy.
AMELIA
So it's all about you, is it?
HR PERSON
I'm sorry. Your bandages are coming off again. Do you have a safety pin?
AMELIA
You know, it's very hard wrapping bandages around your own head with only one functioning hand. Putting in a safety pin? Nearly impossible! I stabbed myself so many times, I was almost left with no working hands! Look, pin pricks! All over my left hand. But it works.
HR PERSON
I did notice your right hand is also -
AMELIA
- bandaged up. But it's not bleeding, so it doesn't count.
HR PERSON
Count as...?
AMELIA
An injury. I just pulled a muscle. It hurts like - you have no idea! But, you know.
HR PERSON
I know that if it occurred outside of work hours it's none of my business. However, if it happened during work hours I would very much like to know what caused all of this.
AMELIA
Why?
HR PERSON
Because I'm here to assess this workplace.
AMELIA
Yeah, but not me.
HR PERSON
Across all levels of staff, including management.
AMELIA
But you're doing appraisals?
HR PERSON
Yes.
AMELIA
So this is not about -
(LAUGHS)
well, health and safety! It's about the performance of the workforce.
HR PERSON
Sure. But the performance of a workforce is very much affected by their health. And safety.
AMELIA
I don't think so.
HR PERSON
I like to be thorough.
AMELIA
Good. Good. Thorough is good, I suppose.
HR PERSON
Thorough is my middle name. Your bandages are -
AMELIA
I've given up.
HR PERSON
Right.
BEAT.
So how did it - ?
AMELIA
(SHRUGS) Oh, there was a fight.
HR PERSON
A fight?
AMELIA
Yes, just a little office brawl.
HR PERSON
Office... brawl?
AMELIA
Yeah. You don't have those?
HR PERSON
Eh... There was that one-time Sally slapped Peter at the Christmas Party. But during work hours? Never.
AMELIA
Different work cultures I suppose. Though it's been a minute since the last one. It's refreshing.
HR PERSON
This wasn't the first one?!
AMELIA
Happens all the time.
HR PERSON
You regularly get into fights in the office?
AMELIA
I wouldn't say regularly. The frequency is about as irregular as my period.
HR PERSON
...which is...? (how often?)
AMELIA
A mystery to my gynaecologist.
HR PERSON
So, just to get this straight. One of your colleagues beat you so bad that two days later you're still bleeding -
AMELIA
I can't pin it on one person. I got excited. I tried to do a fancy sort of spin, and my katana got caught in the drapes. Which was when I pulled that muscle in my right hand.
HR PERSON
You were using weapons?!
AMELIA
Not after the katana got caught in the drapes, I wasn't! But the katana getting stuck gave me this jerky motion, which was when Joey and I knocked into each other and his baseball bat broke my rib -
HR PERSON
You have a broken rib too?!
AMELIA
I don't know. I just know I can't laugh, cough or pull up my socks. I've been wearing flip-flops ever since and it's so embarrassing!
Anyway, being knocked to the floor by Joey I ended up exactly in the spot where Salvatore was dropping the grandfather clock -
HR PERSON
A grandf- !
AMELIA
But he wasn't aiming for me! He was aiming for Alvina who had dodged under the desk. And Salvatore is strong, but a grandfather clock is very unwieldy, especially when it's full of nitroglycerine swooshing about -
HR PERSON
NITROGLYCERINE?!
AMELIA
Don't worry, it didn't go off. It only goes off at 12, and we haven't set the clock for years.
Beat.
HR PERSON
This is a joke right?
AMELIA
Practically.
HR PERSON
(CHUCKLES - THEN LAUGHS WITH RELIEF)
Oh - oh! Oh! Oh, good! Oh gosh! Oh, you had me there! Ahahahaha!
AMELIA
Compared to previous office fights this was nothing. After the Good Friday Fisticuffs, Kozlowski had to postpone corpse work for a week, there were so many limbs to sow back on!
HR PERSON
(GULPS)
AMELIA
What?
HR PERSON
I can't tell if you're joking or not.
AMELIA
It's all fun and games.
HR PERSON
(not convinced) Good...!
AMELIA
So, are you ready to find out why all my employees are completely useless?
HR PERSON
Sorry?
AMELIA
How they can get better. That's why you're here, right? To improve their performance. I'm very excited about that!
HR PERSON
That's a change of heart. When you called me, I got the impression you were doing this out of a sense of duty.
AMELIA
We're required by the union. But I do think this will be really useful!
HR PERSON
Which union?
BEAT.
AMELIA
Our union.
HR PERSON
Right. Which is...?
AMELIA
Oh god! Do you have any painkillers?
HR PERSON
I might have some in my bag -
AMELIA
Never mind, I have some Japanese whisky here somewhere.
AMELIA rummages in a cupboard, finds a bottle and has a swig.
AMELIA
There it is! Ahhhh! Want some?
HR PERSON
Perhaps you could start by going through each team member. Just a short presentation so that I know who I'm -
AMELIA
Great idea! Then I can tell you how each of them are under-performing.
HR PERSON
Well -
AMELIA
We have an interviewer -
HR PERSON
What's his name again?
AMELIA
I won't tell you.
HR PERSON
Have you forgotten? Are you concussed?
AMELIA
No, I just won't.
HR PERSON
Well, it's on the form anyway.
(The HR PERSON gets out a paper form)
HR PERSON
Uhm - that field is blank. I need to know everyone's name.
AMELIA
Then his name is The Interviewer.
HR PERSON
Eh -
AMELIA
There's only one interviewer, and there's only one person wearing bow ties with teddy bear print. You can't get it wrong.
HR PERSON
Sure.
AMELIA
Thing is, he thinks he owns the place. Just because he's been here for three thousand years. And he has the biggest issue with authority I have ever seen. It's a compulsion. If I open the car door for him, he'll shout "Down with the Matriarchy!" and get in on the opposite side just to be contrary.
HR PERSON
Interesting.
AMELIA
Then there's Kozlowski, our surgeon.
HR PERSON
Oh, so he has a name. He's the one you described as a "crazy scientist"? What's his role exactly? What does he do?
AMELIA
What he does? He hides in his basement for weeks on end and works solely at night! He gets the job done, sure, but I would like to communicate with him every so often, so we can avoid mistakes like when I left him a voicemail asking for five obese postmen and he gave me five obtuse roast hens.
HR PERSON
Eh -
AMELIA
These things are easier in person. Now, let's move on to Joey. He interrupts every order I give with a snore! And if it isn't a snore it's a
(mimicking) "Huh??"
Salvatore, now he mounts either guns or explosive devices in every contraption I ask him to build. I keep going "Please! This ice box only needs a fake bottom! Not a military grade defense system! Ease up on the fireworks!"
And Alvina - well, she's alright I guess. Though I wish she didn't act like she'd invented the wheel every time she comes up with a new sticky tab system. It's just sticky tabs! And you've chosen pastel colours AGAIN!? What's wrong with grayscale? Or black and white? How about every so often you could at least swap it out with prime colours!?
HR PERSON
clears their throat
And then you have one off-site staff member, is that right? Luke something - from my notes -AMELIA
Luke Dougal. Yes. He's a mechanics and contraption consultant.
HR PERSON
So he's not a full-time member of staff?
AMELIA
No.
HR PERSON
So he has another job as well?
AMELIA
He's a ghost in Hell.
HR PERSON
He's a - ?
AMELIA
Ghost. In Hell. Full time. But not one of the official ones, he only haunts the CEO of Hell.
HR PERSON
(CONFUSED, BUT ATTEMPTS A JOKE)
That would be the devil!
AMELIA
Is that a joke?
HR PERSON
Hell?
AMELIA
The theme park. He haunts Cody North.
HR PERSON
Oh. Oh! I see. I think...
BEAT.
He haunts - ?
AMELIA
We'll organize a trip to Hell for you later this week. Now, come Friday, I guess you and I will have another meeting?
HR PERSON
Yes.
AMELIA
The summary.
HR PERSON
Your appraisal.
AMELIA
Oh. Well, we can call it the summary.
BEAT.
I can't wait to see your results!
HR PERSON
Just to be clear, I'm not here to implement any changes. I simply suggest them. You have to execute all workplace improvements yourself. After I'm gone.
AMELIA
Mhm.
HR PERSON
Your employees will not improve their performance over the course of this week. I just want to be clear about that. This isn't Queer Eye. There's no life changing transformation at the end of it.
AMELIA
I get that.
HR PERSON
You sure? I just don't want you to have any false expectations. This is a series of appraisals. That's all it is. It's not magic.
(AMELIA GRABS A PIECE OF NOTEPAPER OFF HER DESK AND READS)
AMELIA
An appraisal: "the act of examining someone or something in order to judge their or its qualities, success, or needs". I looked it up.
Quality and success!
HR PERSON
Qualities, success and needs.
AMELIA
Yes. My needs.
HR PERSON
Everyone's -
AMELIA
When I hired HR Agent, it was because you promised that your specialist - that's you - will, quote-unquote: "develop an outsourcing effort that is completely reflective of your organization’s HR needs".
HR PERSON
That is what it says on our website.
AMELIA
I could have gone with SuperHuman Resources, who promised to "charge your workforce with skills to marvel at!" But I chose you.
HR PERSON
We appreciate that.
AMELIA
Kozlowski's already super-human. I don't need any more super-humans. I need employees that are just a tad less freaky, and a tad better at their jobs. And I reckon, if you can figure out whether this band of annoying misfits have any redeeming qualities whatsoever, and help me understand how to utilize those qualities, then we're more than good.
HR PERSON
Sure. I'll do my very best. Though in order for me to do my job, I need a few things from you first.
AMELIA
Of course! Anything at all. Do you need an office? I'll kick Alvina out of hers. Do you want coffee? Salvatore makes the best espresso this side of Sardinia. Any side of Sardinia, to be fair.
HR PERSON
No, I don't need an office or coffee. The first thing I need is to -
Well, I need to know what on earth it is you do!
AMELIA
What we do.
HR PERSON
Yes! You still haven't told me what kind of business The AMELIA Project is.
AMELIA
No.
HR PERSON
You left that field blank on the pre-appraisal form.
AMELIA
I did, yes.
HR PERSON
In fact, you left most of the form blank. And the bits you filled in, you then redacted.
AMELIA
You have to understand, this is all hush-hush. I wrote that at the bottom!
HR PERSON
In bright red ink. Listen: You don't have to worry. All of our assignments are treated as highly confidential -
AMELIA
Oh, but this is really really confidential.
HR PERSON
It doesn't matter if it's really really really confidential. We treat all our clients -
AMELIA
Oh, but this is - !
HR PERSON
Don't say really really really really confidential.
AMELIA
doesn't say really really really really confidential
Mhm.
HR PERSON
I still think getting me to swear allegiance on a battered copy of "The Fun of It" by Amelia Earhart was... a tad odd.
AMELIA
That book is holy. It's a signed copy with a dedication.
HR PERSON
Sure, but -
(AMELIA GETS UP AND WALKS AROUND THE TABLE)
AMELIA
I've made a schedule. You're starting with Joey and Salvatore. You've got to catch them before they're off to Hong Kong.
HR PERSON
Hong Kong?
AMELIA
Work trip.
HR PERSON
You do overseas business?
AMELIA
Bedouins.
HR PERSON
In Hong Kong?!
AMELIA
Now chop chop! They're ready for you. They don't know you're coming, but I know they're in. Come on, get up! I have other stuff to do.
HR PERSON
Excuse me?
(AMELIA PULL THE HR PERSON'S CHAIR OUT)
AMELIA
Off you go! We've talked enough.
HR PERSON
I still need to know what it is you do!
(AMELIA STARTS SHOVING THE HR PERSON OUT THE DOOR)
AMELIA
It's better if you don't.
HR PERSON
But in order to - !
AMELIA
If I told you, I'd have to kill you.
HR PERSON
Excuse me?!
AMELIA
Now get out there. We don't have all day. The workshop is at the end of the hall, on the right.
(AMELIA SHOVES THE HR PERSON OUT THE DOOR)
HR PERSON
But, I - You're bleeding again!
AMELIA
Sorry.
HR PERSON
On me!
AMELIA
Oh yeah. It got on your shirt.
HR PERSON
Can I try to fasten those bandages for you? Please?
AMELIA
Good luck!
(AMELIA'S SLAMS THE DOOR IN THE FACE OF THE HR AGENT)
HR PERSON
(SIGHS)
The Amelia Project is a production of Imploding Fictions. This episode featured:
Julia Morizawa as Amelia
And Jen Austen as the HR consultant.
It was written, directed, and edited by Øystein Ulsberg Brager with direction and story editing by Philip Thorne. Sound design by Paul Kraner, music by Fredrik Baden, graphic design by Anders Pedersen and production assistance by Maty Parzival.
Executive Producer was Emelda Bates, who bled to death cutting herself on a pencil sharpener and will return as a professional chewing gum tester. Amelia’s Appraisals would not have been possible without the generous support from HR Agent. You can find them at hragent.com
Neither would it be possible without our dedicated Patreon community, you can become part of that community for just $5 get these episodes early and ad free, livestream our new live show, watch a replay of our previous show, and so much more.
As always a massive thank you to our astonishingly generous super patrons, whose contributions keep our cupboards full of cocoa beans, and our fridges stocked with replacement corpses. At the time of recording that’s:
Celeste Joos, Heat 312, Alban Ossant, Amélie and Alison, Stefanie Weittenhiller, Rafael Eduardo Wefers Verastegui, Alison Thro, Patricia Bohnwagner, Bryce Godmer, Cliff Huizenga, Michael West, Tim McMackin, Tibbi, Courtney Mays Rensen, Astra Kim, Olivea Dodson, Philip Hansen, Michael David Smith, LG, Ryan Burnett, Timotheus, Miss Nixie, Mystic Sybil, Tiffany Duffy, Jason Woods, Ryan O’Mara, Stefan Hartinger, Lucille Farrell, Anonymous, Iris, Jade Pickering, Daniella Nissen, Kelsey Paige, Silas X, Isabella Arzeno, Geethebluesky, Canal Cryptid, Ethan Cobb, Helden Inkheart, Atiyyah Makada, Maks Jaromin, DJ Goodall, Captaincache, Nitali Arora, Sunny D Anomaly, Merlock20, PostmasterGeneralKwanSentMe, Cheryl Downey-Eber, Nina Korzeniewski, Eli, Katherine Joiner, Selwyn Justice, jchooey, Andrew Lake.
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