ESPRESSO

INTERVIEWER

A mobile phone? Why. Why why why why why? WHY would you do this to me?

ALVINA

Do I really need to remind you? That MI5 agent destroyed your last one.

INTERVIEWER

Yes! And my life's been so much easier since.

ALVINA

Anyway, this is an upgrade. It's a smart phone.

INTERVIEWER

(REACTS AS THOUGH ALVINA HAS JUST INVOKED THE DEVIL) A smart phone?! What the devil would I want a smart phone for? (HE CONSEQUENTLY CUTS BETWEEN ‘SMART’ AND ‘PHONE’)

ALVINA

(SHORT, EXASPERATED LAUGH)You’d want a smartphone because we're living in the 21st century? Because upstairs needs to be able contact you at all times? Because this is going to make your life so much easier?

INTERVIEWER

(SCOFFS AND LAUGHS HUMORLESSLY)Yes, yes. Technology never makes things easier.

ALVINA

If it was up to you you'd still be writing with a quill.

INTERVIEWER

Don't be silly. I know my way around a typewriter.

ALVINA

Yes. About that.

INTERVIEWER

What?

ALVINA

We'd prefer your reports to be typed up on the computer in future.

INTERVIEWER

What can a computer do that a typewriter can't?

ALVINA

Look at maps, calculate, scan pictures, play music, make calls, search the internet?

INTERVIEWER

(ABSOLUTELY NOT UNDERSTANDING) And why would I want to do that?

ALVINA

Look, I know you're set in your ways, but you're not getting out of using a smartphone.

INTERVIEWER

(HARRUMPHS)

ALVINA

(AS IF SHE WAS TALKING TO A CHILD) It's really very simple. And you can ask it to do things for you.

INTERVIEWER

(FRUSTRATED AND ANNOYED)Excuse me?

ALVINA

Ask it.

INTERVIEWER

I'm not talking to-

ALVINA

Set my alarm for 6:30 am.

(SIRI BEEP)

SIRI

Your alarm has been set for 6:30 am.

(SIRI BEEP)

INTERVIEWER

(QUIETLY, BEWILDERED) Oh for god’s sake

ALVINA

Remind me to ring Kozłowski.

(SIRI BEEP)

SIRI

When should I remind you to ring Kozłowski?

(SIRI BEEP)

ALVINA

In two hours.

(SIRI BEEP)

SIRI

I will remind you to ring Kozłowski in two hours.

ALVINA

See? Think of your smartphone as your virtual assistant.

INTERVIEWER

(AS IF THROUGH HIS HANDS) I can’t believe this is happening. (CLEAR AGAIN) Ehm. Joey and Salvatore are perfectly capable.

ALVINA

(LAUGHS) Ha! We both know that's not true.

INTERVIEWER

Now look here - Salvatore makes killer espresso. Can it... she... it… (STOPS, FRUSTRATED)- Oh god, what gender does a computer have - can it make espresso?

ALVINA

It can order espresso. It can schedule your meetings. It can check the weather forecast for you. And it does it all without swearing in Italian. That's got to be a plus right?

INTERVIEWER

I find its subservience tragic. What an existence! Grow some backbone! Learn to say no! I'm having no part of it. I do not talk to machines.

ALVINA

(ENJOYING WHAT SHE SAYS) What if I told you your next client is a machine?

INTERVIEWER

That’s it, I quit, I can’t do this anymore, I can’t believe that I’m doing this that’s-

(HE GETS UP; SOUND OF A CHAIR BEING PUSHED BACK AND SCRAPING OVER WOOD, DOOR OPENING AS HIS VOICE GETS FURTHER AWAY. ALVINA FOLLOWS HIM)

ALVINA

(SHOUTS, WE HEAR HER WORDS OVERLAPPING HIS) Hey come back!

INTERVIEWER

(EVEN FURTHER AWAY)No, I’m done!

(DOOR FALLS SHUT)

ØYSTEIN

Siiiri. Episode 5 of The Amelia Project. Coming soon.