EASTER SPECIAL - H
PIP
Hello dear Amelia-listeners, we have missed you! We’ve been working hard on the continuation of season 5. Info on the Launch of Season 5 part two will be coming soon, so watch this space, but in the meantime, thanks to the generous support of our patrons, we’re back with an Easter Special bonus episode!
The episode is dedicated to our patron Doctor Insanity, thanks Doctor Insanity a mask fitting will be arranged with Kozlowski for your new identity as a plague doctor.
Enjoy the Episode.
PROLOGUE
AMELIA
Congratulations. You’ve reached The Amelia Project. This phone call isn’t happening. If you’re not serious about this, hang up.
Now.
If you continue there’s no way back.
(PAUSE)
Good choice. A new life awaits. You’ll hear back from us within the hour. If you don’t hear back, please consider the whole thing a hoax. Leave your message after the beep.
(BEEP)
H
Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. Well, knock knock. Who’s there? H. H who? The one and only, that’s who. Needing a little bit of support in my time of need. Hope to hear back from you. Peace out. I bless you all and … uh, so on.
(THEME MUSIC)
INTRO
The Amelia Project, by Philip Thorne and Oystein Ulsberg Brager, with music and sound direction by Fredrik Baden, and Sound Design by Adam Raymonda. H.
(JOEY RUNS INTO THE OFFICE AND SLAMMING THE DOOR SHUT)
JOEY
Il Salvatore!
INTERVIEWER
(SIGHS) What’s Salvatore done now?
JOEY
(INTENSELY) Il Salvatore! Il Salvatore!
INTERVIEWER
Tell me Joey!
JOEY intensely
Il Salvatore! Il Salvatore!
INTERVIEWER
Okay, Joey, you’re actually scaring me now.
(SALVATORE COMES SKIDDING INTO THE ROOM, ALSO SLAMMING THE DOOR SHUT)
SALVATORE
Il Salvatore!!!
INTERVIEWER
You too? What’s up with you?!
SALVATORE
Il Salvatore!!!
INTERVIEWER
Salvatore? But that’s you!
SALVATORE
No no, not me! Il Salvatore!
JOEY
Il Salvatore!
INTERVIEWER
What are you two on about?
JOEY & SALVATORE (SIMULTANEOUSLY)
Il Salvatore!!!
INTERVIEWER
The saviour??
SALVATORE
He’s here! Look!
(THEY CREEK THE DOOR OPEN AND PEEK THROUGH)
INTERVIEWER
That’s just a hippie in sandals.
SALVATORE
It’s December!
INTERVIEWER
Some people have sweaty feet.
JOEY
But look at his face! It’s Him!
INTERVIEWER
It’s not him, I mean, not Him with a capital H!
(THE DOOR CREAKS SHUT)
SALVATORE
But we saw his face! It’s Il Salvatore!
JOEY
Simultaneously.
It’s il Salva-!
INTERVIEWER
Just stop it and let the client come in…
(A MAN IN FLOPPY SANDALS - H - OPENS THE DOOR)
H
Sorry dude, is this a bad time?
INTERVIEWER
Jesus Christ!
H
Yes?
INTERVIEWER
Your outfit looks like something straight out of a Da Vinci!
H
(PROUDLY) It’s vintage.
INTERVIEWER
Wait… you said “yes”?
H
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Yes-yes?
H
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
No!
H
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
(DISBELIEF) No!
H
Yes!
INTERVIEWER
No!
H
Yes!
INTERVIEWER
You’re not…
H
Yes!
JOEY & SALVATORE
(TRIUMPHANTLY) Il Salvatore!
H
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Jeez Louise!
Beat.
Sorry. Was that blasphemous?
JOEY
Can I get your autograph?
INTERVIEWER
Joey! Salvatore! Stop genuflecting and make yourselves useful. Bring us some cocoa. You drink cocoa?
H
I’d prefer wine, if you have it?
INTERVIEWER
We do. Joey, Salvatore, go get that bottle of Chateau Lafitte.
SALVATORE
(IN ITALIAN) With pleasure! With pleasure!!
JOEY
Whatever you want!
(JOEY AND SALVATORE RUSH OUT. DOOR CLOSES)
INTERVIEWER
Joey and Salvatore are devout Catholics. They must be very excited.
H
What about you?
INTERVIEWER
What about me?
H
Are you Catholic?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, I’m about as Catholic as a Buddhist. Which means I’m an atheist.
H
Hmprph.
INTERVIEWER
It’s nothing personal.
H
You don’t believe I exist, how’s that not personal?
INTERVIEWER
It’s just there’s very little proof that
H
I’m here chattin’ to you! What more proof do you need?
INTERVIEWER
It’s not so much your existence that’s the issue. It’s the Virgin Birth. The turning of water into wine, the-
H (INTERRUPTING)
Who said anything about a Virgin Birth?
INTERVIEWER
Um… Mathew? Luke?
H
Never heard of them.
INTERVIEWER
The Bible? Ring any bells? No?
H
Oh. You’re talking about him aren’t you?
INTERVIEWER
I’m talk- Sorry?
H
Freaking imposter.
(THE DOOR OPENS)
INTERVIEWER
I don’t follow
JOEY
Here is your wine il Salvatore.
(SOUND OF A WINEGLASS BEING PLACED ON THE DESK)
INTERVIEWER
Joey, Salvatore, aren’t you forgetting something?
(CLEARS THROAT)
SALVATORE
Did you want anything else il Salvatore?
H
Just the wine, thank you.
SALVATORE
Prego.
(SOUND OF JOEY AND SALVATORE LEAVING, IGNORING THE INTERVIEWER SHOUTING AT THEM)
INTERVIEWER
My cocoa! Where’s my cocoa? Where is my cocoa, Joey - my cocoa, damnit!
(DOOR CLOSES)
Can you believe that? Unbelievable! Like I don’t exist!
H
sarcastically.
I’m sure they don’t mean it personally.
INTERVIEWER
Cocoa is always personal… Anyway, how can we help you uh, mister Christ?
H
Call me H. That’s what my homies call me.
INTERVIEWER
H?
H
Jesus H. Christ.
INTERVIEWER
H, alright. Why do you need to die?
H
Well, you see I have this following.
INTERVIEWER
Hmhm.
H (CON’T)
Twelve apostles that I’ve gathered and trained. And the thing is that I’ve come to the point in my story, where I need to get persecuted and die on the cross, in order to prove to my followers that I am actually God.
INTERVIEWER
Hmhm.
H (CON’T)
They’re losing faith.
INTERVIEWER
Well, why don’t you just do some miracles?
H
More miracles? They’ve grown accustomed to it. They’ve started ordering only one pizza, cos they know it’s gonna feed everyone anyway.
INTERVIEWER
(CHUCKLES) That’s good.
H (CON’T)
I need something bigger this time. You know. The grand finale. Death and resurrection. That’s your business ain’t it? Death and resurrection?
INTERVIEWER
It is, yes.
H
I hear you’ve really cornered the market.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, that’s true. Dying is quite final, though.
H
You didn’t hear the part where I said resurrection?
INTERVIEWER
Ha! Yes, but if I remember correctly, the resurrection did end with leaving earth behind … permanently. In other words, no more magical pizza parties, dude.
H
I’m tired of them. The other guys, they’re so… human. I mean, John keeps harping on about his dad Zebedee! Zebedee this, Zebedee that… Who’s called Zebedee anyway? And Bartholomew's feet? Man, they stink! But he insists on wearing sandals.
Then there’s the two named Simon, I actually renamed one of them Peter cause I got so confused, but I keep forgetting which one.
INTERVIEWER
Why don’t you just go to the annual Crucifixion in the Philippines? They nail people up for real. Good fun every Good Friday! Haha…
H
And be one of the crowd? Just another copy trying to prove how hardcore he is to some potential girlfriend?
(THE INTERVIEWER SIGHS)
Then, when you’ve bled for about two and a half seconds, they let you down again, the Red Cross standing by with a tent full of band aid? Come on!
INTERVIEWER
So let me get this straight. You want us to organise an actual persecution?
H
Yeah.
(H DRAINS THE WINE)
Can we get some more wine?
INTERVIEWER
(WITH QUITE A FROWN)
Uhm… Yes… Certainly…
(THE DOOR OPENS)
Uhm, Joey! Salvatore!
(WHISPERS) Bring us a large carafe of water and a pot of cocoa, please. Presto.
JOEY
(IN ITALIAN) Certainly!
(JOEY AND SALVATORE HURRY OFF)
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
So after your death, do you have any plans for resurfacing? Who would you like to be next? Since you’ve already tried Jesus, maybe
another historical figure would suit you? We could do Genghis Khan. Joseph Stalin. Elvis. That spot is currently free.
H
You’re joking, right? Cos I obviously need to come back three days later, still being Jesus. That’s kind of the point. If I don’t crawl out of the cave three days later, the whole thing doesn’t work.
INTERVIEWER
What year is it?
H
Sorry?
INTERVIEWER
Can you please tell me what year you think it is?
H
It’s 2017.
INTERVIEWER
So you are aware that all of this already happened 2017 years ago?
H
Sure.
INTERVIEWER
So in essence … you want to just copy what happened back then?
H
Who says I’m the copy?
INTERVIEWER
Uhm…
H (CON’T)
He’s the copy! That imposter, stealing my thunder, creating the world’s largest religion two millennia before I was even born. Cheat.
INTERVIEWER
I think you’ll find that chronology dictates that you are the copy.
H
I am the Saviour, the son of God, and part of the Holy Trinity. Why should I be concerned with chronology?
INTERVIEWER
(SETS UP TO PROTEST, THEN STOPS) Fair point.
H
It’s identity theft. Pure and simple.
INTERVIEWER
Uh… not simple.
(THE DOOR OPENS AND SALVATORE COMES IN)
SALVATORE
(IN ITALIAN) Water and cocoa.
(A TRAY IS PLACED ON THE TABLE)
INTERVIEWER
Thank you Salvatore.
(SALVATORE leaves, muttering prayers)
Here you go, H.
(SOUND OF POURING)
H
What’s this?
INTERVIEWER
Hm?
H
This is water!
INTERVIEWER
Yes, it is!
H
I wanted wine!
INTERVIEWER
And wine you shall have! What, is that going to be a problem for you?
H
You’re just as bad as they are.
INTERVIEWER
(CHUCKLES) Oh come on. Who?
H
John, Zebedee, Bernie, Simon and Peter.
INTERVIEWER
Ah, your apostles?
H
Miracles are serious business! They’re exhausting! They’re not just some … party trick!
INTERVIEWER
So… You’ll make do with cocoa then?
H
I suppose…
INTERVIEWER
Good choice. You won’t regret it.
(SOUND OF POT BEING PICKED UP. THE SOUND OF POURING)
Now, here you are. Take that.
H
Thank you.
INTERVIEWER
Cheers!
(THEY DRINK. H SPITS)
H
What the - ! This is foul, man! Everyone who drinks this cocoa will be thirsty again.
INTERVIEWER
Are you pulling my leg? This cocoa is divine! It tastes like… the tears of an angel!
H
It doesn’t.
BEAT.
I know.
INTERVIEWER
Wha- You know?
H
Yes…
INTERVIEWER
You’ve licked an angel’s tears?
H
Don’t ask.
INTERVIEWER
(GIVES UP) Well… Let’s say we manage to bring you to the Middle East, stage a persecution, Joey and Salvatore donning some old fashioned robes and pretending to be some old fashioned, evil romans. We nail you to a cross, you bleed dry, we lock you up in a cave, there’s a secret room in the back of the cave with a blood transfusion system. We place a big stone in front of the cave, the stone is made out of styrofoam, you escape and fly up!
H
I can’t fly.
INTERVIEWER
You can’t- Oh, what a shame… Hm. Then what do we do… Oh, oh! I know! Maybe someone simply “discovers” the open cave and spreads the rumour that you came back to life and floated heaven-wards?
H
It’s not year zero! If it’s not on YouTube it didn’t happen.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, right.
H
Surely you can kit me out with some kind of drone shoes underneath my robe or something?
INTERVIEWER
You know, yes, that would actually make your robe flap nicely in the wind. I wonder if Luke Dougal can design something…
H
Then, when I reach heaven, daddy lets me in to sit by his side, where I rule the universe forever, case closed. Genius.
INTERVIEWER
Uhm - great… But over to another crucial question: Can you pay?
H
I come from a wealthy family.
INTERVIEWER
I thought you came from a poor family and that your dad was a carpenter.
H
You’re mixing me up with the fake one. My dad’s in showbiz, we’re loaded.
INTERVIEWER
Perfect! For us… But for you… Isn’t it hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven?
H
What do you mean?
INTERVIEWER
They say it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. If you’re that rich, do you reckon your heavenly slash biological daddy will let you in?
H
I am He who lives, and was dead, and behold, I am alive forevermore. Basta. Amen. Case closed.
BEAT.
And I have the keys of Hades and of Death.
INTERVIEWER
Is that what the H stands for?
H
What?
INTERVIEWER
Hades?
BEAT.
H
No.
BEAT.
INTERVIEWER
Hans?
H
No.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, of course not. Helmer, maybe? Harold? Humphrey? Halbert’s a good one.
BEAT.
Oh! It’s Humperdinck! It’s Humperdinck, isn’t it?
(H SIGHS)
INTERVIEWER
I’m right, it’s Humperdinck! (CHUCKLES) No, no, but honestly though. We do have a problem though.
H
What?
INTERVIEWER
It’s been done before, hasn’t it?
H
How many times do we need to go over this? The other one was a charlatan. He was pretending to be me. The fact this happened before I was born is neither here nor there.
INTERVIEWER
Well, I’m afraid that here at Amelia, seeing as we are not celestial beings like yourself, we are sadly limited by the constraints of chronology. In fact - if you are a celestial being, why can’t you just fix this whole ascension thing yourself?
H
I’m the Son of Man, remember. I’m only human. I bleed just like y’all.
INTERVIEWER
Well, yes, but in the Bible it does say-
H
Fuck the Bible!
INTERVIEWER
Oh my…
H
It’s the wrong Bible. In the New Bible which is gonna be about me, there’ll be a chapter called the Gospel according to the Cocoa Man and it will be all about how the Son of Man had some fantastic helpers who aided his holy death and resurrection. How about that?
INTERVIEWER
Hm. That does sound rather tempting…
(CONSIDERS) Wait. Who is gonna write it?
H
I was thinking Stephen King.
INTERVIEWER
He’s good.
H
He’s very good.
BEAT.
INTERVIEWER
He is… The problem though, according to our records, is that we have done this disappearance once before.
H
So hell man, it should be easy! That’s great.
INTERVIEWER
Apart from the fact that we really don’t like repeating ourselves.
H
Say that again?
INTERVIEWER
Here at Amelia we don’t like to repeat ourselves.
H
(LAUGHS)
INTERVIEWER
Touché.
H
So, let me get this straight - you’re faced with the Lord of heaven, and you’re gonna refuse his case?
INTERVIEWER
Christ in a poker game, you are insistent aren’t you?
H
Yes! I am the son of God, goddamn it!
INTERVIEWER
Alright. Okay. Then prove it to me.
H
What?
INTERVIEWER
That you are the Son of God. Uhm… The fish tank over there… Walk on water!
H
You’re joking right?
INTERVIEWER
Nope. If you are God, I obviously can’t refuse you, but if you’re an imposter then-
H
Fine. You heathen. Watch me and believe.
(THE SOUND OF A CHAIR BEING DRAGGED ACROSS THE FLOOR BY SOMEONE IN SANDALS, AND A GLASS LID BEING LIFTED OFF A TANK AND DROPPED TO THE GROUND. THE SOUND OF A WATER CIRCULATION SYSTEM. THE SOUND OF H CLIMBING UP ONTO THE CHAIR)
INTERVIEWER (COMMENTING THROUGHOUT)
Ah, yes, take the chair. Yes sandals. Yes, of course. Don’t- don’t mind about the lid, you know. Throw it off there, it’s been broken a couple of times before. We have spares. You need to limber up or something first? No, no. Okay, good.
H
Here we go. Watch it, fishies.
Interviewer
Haha, yeah, watch it Fishies, you’re about to be stepped- JESUS H CHRIST!!!!
(THE SOUND OF A PAIR OF SANDALS BEING DROPPED TO THE FLOOR. THEN SOFT SPLASHING, AS IF SOMEONE IS WALKING ON WATER)
You are actually walking -
H
Ahh!
INTERVIEWER
Watch out!
(A HUGE SPLASH, COMBINED WITH GLASS BREAKING, AND AN EVEN LARGER SPLASH, AS THE ENTIRE FISH TANK, FISH AND ALL, COMES CRASHING TO THE FLOOR)
(TWO FISH FLAPPING ON THE FLOOR)
INTERVIEWER
Good Lord… Are you OK? Let me help you up! Don’t worry about the fish. I’ll get some new ones. It just…
(AN INCREASING SOUND OF FLAPPING)
Hello? What the- What in the name of…?
(IT GETS LOUDER AND LOUDER, MORE AND MORE AND MORE FISHTAILS FLAPPING…)
Joey! Salvatore! Uh- Alvina! Fish! Alvina, FISH!!! Amelia! Amelia, anyone! Somebody, quickly, everyone! What the devil is going on here!!!
Kozlowski, Kozlowski! Code Flipper, Code Flipper!!! Oh god, somebody help me, help! Can’t believe this is happening again!!! Oh, the smell of fish - fish! Fish, I’ll never get this out of the carpet… Good Lord… This was supposed to be an easy day…
(MUSIC)
CREDITS
Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits.
This episode was written and directed by Oystein Brager and Philip Thorne with audio editing by Philip Thorne, sound design by Adam Raymonda and music by Fredrik Baden.
The episode featured Alan Burgon as The Interviewer, Jason Nemor Harden as H, Stan Morris as Joey and Fernando Tiberini as Salvatore.
The episode was recorded at Nordubb Studios in Oslo with studio engineering by Harald Lindebrekke and remote engineering by Dominic Hargreaves.
Production assistance by Maty Parzival and graphic design by Anders Pedersen.
Thank you so much to all of you who support the show via Patreon, it’s thanks to you that we can make future episodes of the show.
A special shoutout to our super patrons, that’s Heat 312, Rodney Daliege, Jem Fidyk, Alban Ossant, Amélie and Alison, Stefanie Weittenhiller, Rafael Eduardo Wefers Verastegui, Aislinn Brand, Alison Thro, Patricia Bohnwagner, Dr. Insanity, Bryce Godmer, Grace Colum, Cliff Huizenga, Michael West, Tom Putnam, Deanna Berchenbriter, Tim McMackin, Blythe Varney, Parker Pearcy, Sophy H, Nitali Arora, Emre çebi, Posh Baby Rentals Florida, Lee & Vee Hewerdine, Mr Squiggles, David Livingston, Celeste Joos and Toni Fisher.
If you would like to become a patron, get access to a big back catalogue of bonus content, get new bonus content once its releases and speed up the launch of Season 5 Part 2, go to ameliapodcast.com and click on support the show. You can also find transcripts, pictures, videos, and info on the cast on our website.
You can also find us on twitter, Tumblr and Instagram.
And now, the epilogue.
EPILOGUE
(A BIT LATER)
(THE SOUND OF THREE PEOPLE RUNNING AROUND THE OFFICE BUMPING INTO THINGS)
JOEY
Four thousand and ninety three…
SALVATORE
Il Salvatore! Gesù!
JOEY
Four thousand and ninety four…
SALVATORE
You killed Cristo!
JOEY
Four thousand and ninety five…
INTERVIEWER
I did not!
JOEY
Four thousand and ninety six…
SALVATORE
Cazzo! You did!
JOEY
Four thousand and ninety seven…
INTERVIEWER
He was a fake!
SALVATORE
He walked for a bit!
JOEY
Four thousand and ninety eight…
INTERVIEWER
Only for about five seconds!
SALVATORE
He just stumbled on the filtration system!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, what! He’s the Son of Good and was felled by a filtration system?!
JOEY
Four thousand and ninety nine… Five thousand! Five thousand!
INTERVIEWER
What?
JOEY
There are five thousand fish!
SALVATORE
That proves it! Cristo spiacenti! Forgive us our sins!
INTERVIEWER
Coincidence… It’s a coincidence…
H
God, my head hurts…
INTERVIEWER
Ha! See, I didn’t kill him!
JOEY
Scusa il Salvatore!
SALVATORE
Il Salvatore, are you alright? Can I get you anything? A painkiller maybe?
END OF EPISODE.