SPECIAL EPISODE: HALLOWEEN SPECIAL. VICTOR HUGO’S TABLE
PIP
The Amelia Project would not be possible without the generous support of our patrons. Today’s Halloween Special is dedicated to super patron and professional hacker Nitali Arora, who has requested a death via a CIA assassin dropping her from the Space Needle. She will assume a new identity at The Amelia Project itself, working in tech support (good luck explaining the googly to The Interviewer Nitali) and as payment she will give us the key to encryptions of all the software infrastructure running banks in the US.
Thank you to Nitali and thank you to all our patrons who support the work we do. If you’d like to become a patron and support future episodes, go to ameliapodcast.com and click on support the show. We would be really grateful. We hope you enjoy the Halloween Special: Victor Hugo’s Table.
VOICEMAIL
Congratulations. You’ve reached The Amelia Project. This phone call isn’t happening. If you’re not serious about this, hang up. Now. If you continue there’s no way back.
(PAUSE)
Good choice. A new life awaits. You’ll hear back from us within the hour. If you don’t hear back, please consider the whole thing a hoax. Leave your message after the beep.
A MYSTERIOUS TAPPING SOUND: TAP. TAP. TAP TAP TAP TAP.
BEEP.
THEME TUNE (GROOVY SPOOKY VERSION)
(THE INTERVIEWER'S OFFICE. ALVINA AND THE INTERVIEWER ARE SITTING IN ARMCHAIRS. CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS. THE INTERVIEWER IS READING OUT LOUD FROM A BOOK)
INTERVIEWER
Let’s turn the record…
(MUSIC)
Ah, much better. Now. Where were we?
(READING)
"Run out and get a box of sardines" ordered the boss of the Washington press. "I've got a nickel. I can't let you starve. I lived three months on them - look at me!"
(THE INTERVIEWER IS INTERRUPTED BY A KNOCK ON THE DOOR)
INTERVIEWER
(STOPS READING)
Yes?
(AMELIA STEPS INTO THE OFFICE)
AMELIA
Just me. I was wondering if - Why's it dark in here? Why have you lit candles? Is there a power cut?
ALVINA
No, no, no, no, power cut.
AMELIA
Ah, Alvina, you're here too, great, I was actually looking for both of you.
INTERVIEWER
No! Don't turn on the light -
(AMELIA FLICKS A LIGHT SWITCH)
AMELIA
(SHRIEKS) What is that doing there?
ALVINA
What?
AMELIA
The severed foot on the couch! I told Kozlowski to keep all limbs in the freezer in the basement, not strewn around the office. It's unhygienic.
ALVINA
Oh, don't worry Amelia, it's not -
AMELIA
And speaking of hygiene, you need to give this place a sweep. The cobwebs are disgusting.
ALVINA
No! We're … creating an atmosphere.
INTERVIEWER
And you just ruined it by walking in here and turning on the lights!
ALVINA
It's spooky season Amelia!
AMELIA
Uh, Halloween isn't for another four weeks.
ALVINA
Exactly! Spooky season! I thought in the States you're obsessed with it.
AMELIA
I grew up in Japan.
Is that skull filled with cookies?
ALVINA
Freshly baked. Want one?
AMELIA
Yes please!
(AMELIA TAKES A COOKIE)
ALVINA
Mitzi's Golden Pumpkin Cookies.
AMELIA
(WITH HER MOUTH FULL) Yummy.
INTERVIEWER
So what were you going to ask us?
AMELIA
Oh, just wondering if you wanted to come to the White Bear for drinks. Joey, Salvatore and Walter will be there.
ALVINA
Oh... normally I'd love to but...
INTERVIEWER
We're actually in the middle of something...
AMELIA
In the middle of what?
INTERVIEWER
Reading a book!
ALVINA
(EXCITED) We're taking it in turns, I read a chapter, he reads a chapter.
AMELIA
What are you reading?
INTERVIEWER
Mark Twain.
AMELIA
Mark Twain? I love Mark Twain! Can I join?
ALVINA
Oh yes! This could be like our own little office book club!
AMELIA
Which one is it? Huckleberry Finn?
INTERVIEWER
No, not Huckleberry Finn.
AMELIA
Okay which one then? I've read them all.
INTERVIEWER
Jap Herron.
AMELIA
What did you say?
INTERVIEWER
Jap Herron.
AMELIA
Jap Herron?
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
AMELIA
Jap Herron by Mark Twain?
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
AMELIA
Uh... I'm pretty sure Mark Twain didn't write a book called Jap Herron.
INTERVIEWER
Oh but he did.
AMELIA
Oh, is this like an early work? Something he wrote as a kid?
ALVINA
Absolutely not an early work.
AMELIA
Ok... When did he write it?
INTERVIEWER
1917.
AMELIA
1917... So that would place it... Hang on!
INTERVIEWER
What?
(ALVINA CHUCKLES)
AMELIA
Mark Twain died in 1910. (DOUBTING HERSELF) Didn't he?
INTERVIEWER
Yes. He did.
AMELIA
Uhhhh... Are you saying you faked the death of Mark Twain and he kept writing under a new name?!
INTERVIEWER
No, sadly he died for real.
AMELIA
But he wrote this book after his death?
INTERVIEWER
Indeed.
AMELIA
So... I don't get it. What's the joke?
INTERVIEWER
No joke.
AMELIA
Huh?
INTERVIEWER
Mark Twain had a keen interest in parapsychology. He even had psychic abilities of his own -
AMELIA
You're going to claim he wrote this book from beyond the grave?
INTERVIEWER
Yes!
AMELIA
What?
INTERVIEWER
It's true!
AMELIA
That's nuts. Did you make this up?
INTERVIEWER
Absolutely not! The spirit of Mark Twain dictated the book to the medium Emily Grant Hutchings and it was published in 1917. Twain's publisher sued the medium. The medium wanted to call the spirit of Mark Twain to the stand to support her, but unfortunately the court ruled out testimony by Ouija board.
AMELIA
Is that how the book was written? Ouija board?
ALVINA
Yes! Isn't it exciting? And after Jap Herron we're doing The Mystery of Edwin Drood.
AMELIA
What's that?
ALVINA
The last novel of Charles Dickens.
(INTERVIEWER HUMS IN AGREEMENT)
AMELIA
Huh.
ALVINA
Dickens died halfway through writing it, leaving no notes to solve the disappearance of the main character. Luckily, in 1873, Dickens dictated the continuation to the spiritualist Thomas P. James.
AMELIA
So let me get this straight, this is a book club for books dictated by ghosts?
ALVINA
Yes! It's our Halloween project!
AMELIA
You don't actually believe in it though, do you? The spirits of Mark Twain and Charles Dickens and whatnot contacting us from beyond the grave.
INTERVIEWER
Of course I do.
AMELIA
Yes, of course you do, I meant Alvina.
ALVINA
I don't know if I really believe it... But it's fun to suspend your disbelief at this time of year don't you think?
AMELIA
(IN DISBELIEVE BUT GIVES UP) Well, I'll leave the two of you to your literary hooey, and enjoy a Black Sheep Ale with the rest of the gang. Mind if I take some cookies for them?
ALVINA
Take the whole skull-full.
AMELIA
Thanks.
(SHE POPS ONE IN HER MOUTH)
ALVINA
Though I should warn you that I got the recipe from Beyond Delicious, the Ghost Whisperer's Cookbook.
AMELIA
Ouija board recipe book?
ALVINA
Mary Ann Winkowski contacted over a hundred ghosts for the book. Yesterday I made Ted's Coconut Kisses, tomorrow I think I’ll making Lisa's Lemon Sour Bars -
AMELIA
You don't think that's creepy?
ALVINA
No. I think keeping people's memories alive through their recipes is rather beautiful actually.
AMELIA
Sure, if it's an apple pie recipe handed down from your great great grandmother, but transcribing a recipe from some random ghost? I mean, who knows its intentions? What if it tries to poison you?
ALVINA
You said it was all hokum! Anyway, I know my cinnamon from my cyanide.
AMELIA
You're sure you'd rather sit in the dark reading dubious books than go for a beer?
(INTERVIEWER AND ALVINA)
Yes.
AMELIA
Okay, suit yourselves.
ALVINA
Bye Amelia!
AMELIA
Oh, you want me to turn the lights off again?
INTERVIEWER
Yes please.
AMELIA
Well, have fun.
(AMELIA FLICKS OFF THE LIGHT AND LEAVES. INTERVIEWER AND ALVINA CHUCKLE)
ALVINA
Somehow I don't think we'll convert her to the joys of spirit literature.
INTERVIEWER
No. And we didn't even tell her about my very favorite case of ghost whispering!
ALVINA
Which one is that?
INTERVIEWER
Rosemary Brown. Listen!
(THE INTERVIEWER PUTS ON A NEW VINYL AND TURNS UP THE VOLUME ON THE PIANO MUSIC)
ALVINA
Which composer is she channeling here?
INTERVIEWER
Franz Liszt. He first contacted her in 1922 when she was seven years old.
ALVINA
And she really had no musical training?
INTERVIEWER
No! Yet she transcribed complex new compositions by Chopin, Schubert, Bach and Mozart, wowing musicians around the world. Leonard Bernstein invited her to his hotel and watched her channel a fiendishly complicated new piece by Rachmaninov.
ALVINA
It is a very strange case...
INTERVIEWER
"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy."
ALVINA
Shall we get back to Jap Herron?
INTERVIEWER
Let's.
(THE INTERVIEWER OPENS THE BOOK)
(READING)
Jap surveyed him apprehensively. "I'd hate to be so thin" he complained, "and I don't like sardines nor any fishes. My dad fed us them every day. Allus wanted to buy doughnuts. Can I buy them?"
(THE PIANO MUSIC SWELLS UP AS THE OFFICE FADES OUT. WE TRANSITION TO THE NEXT SCENE, A FEW WEEKS LATER)
(THE INTERVIEWER IS IN HIS OFFICE. A KNOCK. SALVATORE'S VOICE FROM BEHIND THE DOOR)
SALVATORE
Signor?
INTERVIEWER
(ANNOYED) Yes, what is it Salvatore?
SALVATORE
A big package. Addressed to you signor.
(THE INTERVIEWER JUMPS OUT OF HIS CHAIR, EXCITED)
INTERVIEWER
Ooh! On Halloween! Perfect timing! Well bring it in Salvatore, come on, bring it in, bring it in!
(THE DOOR OPENS AND JOEY AND SALVATORE COME IN CARRYING A LARGE BOX)
(LAUGHING IN PURE JOY) Oh my! Thank you Joey and Salvatore! You can place it over by the bookcase.
SALVATORE
Cazzo!
JOEY
Woah!
INTERVIEWER
What's wrong?
JOEY
We're stuck!
SALVATORE
In a... spider's web...
INTERVIEWER
Oh, uh... That…
JOEY
That's a biiiiiig spider's web. You got a tarantula in here?
INTERVIEWER
No no, sorry, you see, I actually draped that over the door, should have warned you about it -
JOEY
Why did you put a spider's web over the door?
INTERVIEWER
Here I'll help you untangle yourselves, there you go...
JOEY
You sure you don't have a tarantula problem?
INTERVIEWER
(MUMBLING WHILE FREEING HIM FROM THE WEB)
JOEY
Cos a tarantula bite is no joke.
INTERVIEWER
There you go. You're free. Now if you could just put the box down over by the bookca - woah! There's still some around your leg!
SALVATORE
(ITALIAN) Watch out! Watch out!
(JOEY TUMBLES AND LETS GO OF THE BOX. HE KNOCKS OVER A PORCELAIN TEA SET)
JOEY
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
(BOX FALLS. IT CRASHES STRAIGHT ONTO A COCOA POT)
SALVATORE
Noooooooooooo!
INTERVIEWER
Not my new Roger Pilkington set! I just had that replaced!
SALVATORE
Cazzo!
INTERVIEWER
Is the box okay?
JOEY
I've got shards of porcelain in my bum!
INTERVIEWER
Kozlowski will pick them out and bandage you up. Now what about the box?
(SALVATORE FLICKS OPEN A KNIFE)
SALVATORE
Let's take a look inside.
(SALVATORE INSERTS THE KNIFE INTO THE CARDBOARD AND STARTS CUTTING)
INTERVIEWER
Careful... Careful, it's an antique...
JOEY
Oh? What is it?
INTERVIEWER
A haunted artifact! Yes, it is one of the most coveted pieces of spiritualist memorabilia in the world. It beggars belief it was on sale, and for a pittance too!
SALVATORE
(IN ITALIAN) Almost there... (HE TEARS AWAY THE FINAL LAYER OF CARDBOARD)
INTERVIEWER
(IN AWE) Just look at it!
JOEY
(MATTER OF FACT)
A table.
SALVATORE
What makes it so special?
INTERVIEWER
This table used to belong to...
SALVATORE
Yes?
INTERVIEWER
Victor Hugo!
JOEY
Who?
INTERVIEWER
Hugo!
JOEY
Who?
INTERVIEWER
Hugo!
JOEY
Who?
INTERVIEWER
Hugo!
JOEY
Who?
INTERVIEWER
Hugo!
JOEY
Who?
INTERVIEWER
Hugo!
JOEY
Who?
INTERVIEWER
The Hunchback of Notre Dame!
JOEY
He was a hunchback?
INTERVIEWER
Wha- No no no! Hugo wrote - Look- Don't tell me you've never read The Hunchback of Notre Dame?
JOEY
Does it have car chases in it?
INTERVIEWER
Does it have - ? I mean- We’re talking about a masterpiece of gothic literature from 1831!
JOEY
Yes, but does it have car chases in it?
INTERVIEWER
Right, Joey- Salvatore, please tell me you know The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
SALVATORE
Of course!
INTERVIEWER
(RELIEVED) Phew.
SALVATORE
So Victor Hugo worked for Disney?
(THE INTERVIEWER GROANS. HE TAKES A BOOK FROM THE BOOKCASE AND THROWS IT)
INTERVIEWER
Right, here we are! Here, catch!
(THE BOOK HITS JOEY ON THE HEAD)
JOEY
Ouch! Why did you throw a book at me?
INTERVIEWER
It's Notre Dame de Paris. Sorry, I only have the French original. But! Read it. You're going to love it, I promise you!
(Salvatore moves the table, adjusting its position in the room)
INTERVIEWER
Hey, what are you doing? That table is over a hundred years old!
SALVATORE
It's a piece of junk.
INTERVIEWER
What?
SALVATORE (KNOCKS ON IT)
See? One leg is shorter than the others. Don't put your cocoa cup on there or else -
INTERVIEWER
Ah- Now, listen. The biggest risk to crockery in this room is the two of you. Now… Deep breath. Off you hop. You've got some reading to do.
SALVATORE
(IN ITALIAN) See you later boss.
(JOEY AND SALVATORE LEAVE. ALVINA IS JUST BEHIND THE DOOR. WE HEAR JOEY, SALVATORE AND ALVINA FROM THE HALLWAY)
ALVINA
Oh, hello you two! Wait… Have you got a book? What are you reading Joey?
JOEY
Something about car chases.
SALVATORE
The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
ALVINA
Victor Hugo? (EXCITED GASP) Oh does that mean...?
(ALVINA RUSHES INTO THE INTERVIEWER'S OFFICE AND CLOSES THE DOOR BEHIND HER)
ALVINA
Victor Hugo's table... has it arrived?
INTERVIEWER
Yes! Here is is.
ALVINA
Oh wow. Just in time for Halloween!
INTERVIEWER
Yes…
ALVINA
Can I touch it?
INTERVIEWER
Oh yes! Go for it.
(ALVINA RUNS HER HANDS OVER THE TABLE TOP. IT WOBBLES)
ALVINA
Can you believe this is the actual table Victor Hugo used when he was exiled in Jersey? The table on which he wrote Les Miserables?
(AMELIA POPS HER HEAD IN)
AMELIA
Hi guys, I just saw Joey with his nose in a book. A French book. Do you think he's okay?
(NOTICES THE TABLE)
Got some new furniture I see?
INTERVIEWER
Do you like it?
AMELIA
A three legged table... It looks... wobbly. Not very practical.
ALVINA
(EXCITED) It's Victor Hugo's writing table!
AMELIA
Seriously? Victor Hugo? Shouldn't it be in a museum? How did you get it?
INTERVIEWER
It turned up in some clueless Belgian's garage. He put an ad out for it. Can you believe it?
AMELIA
How unlikely! I'm sure we could get a fortune for it at Sotheby's.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, but we have to study it first.
AMELIA
Uh? Study it?
INTERVIEWER
It's at this table that Victor Hugo conducted his conversations with the dead.
AMELIA
What is it with great writers and ghosts!
INTERVIEWER
Hugo actually started out a staunch skeptic.
AMELIA
And then what happened? He discovered absinthe?
INTERVIEWER
No. He discovered this table. He would sit at it every night, and be visited by the most amazing guests. Plato, Hannibal, Aristophanes, Joan of Arc, Galileo, Abel, Lord Byron, Dante, Moses, Socrates, Shakespeare, Alexander the Great, even Jesus. He would conduct fascinating conversations with these spirits and note them down in his journal.
AMELIA
How did the ghosts communicate with him?
INTERVIEWER
One table leg is shorter than the others. The spirits communicated by moving the table. One tap for yes, two taps for no.
AMELIA
Hmm.
INTERVIEWER
They could also spell out words. One tap for a, two for b, three for c, four for d and so on.
AMELIA
That must have taken a very long time...
INTERVIEWER
You know Shakespeare dictated an entire play to him?
AMELIA
No way!
INTERVIEWER
Yes. Shakespeare's final comedy, written two hundred years after his death and transcribed by Victor Hugo.
ALVINA
But didn't Victor Hugo hate English and refuse to learn it?
INTERVIEWER
Yes, you're quite right!
Quoting
"When England wants to chat with me, let her learn my language."
(CHUCKLES)
But luckily Shakespeare dictated this play to Hugo in French.
AMELIA
Convenient.
INTERVIEWER
The bard told Hugo that he now acknowledged French as the superior language.
(ALVINA CHUCKLES)
AMELIA
Of course.
INTERVIEWER
According to his journals, on some nights, when a really strong connection had been made, the table would even start spinning or lift up into the air.
AMELIA
Ooh, perhaps now Victor Hugo will use the table to send us another novel! A sequel to The Hunchback of Notre Dame!
INTERVIEWER
(SERIOUSLY) It is possible...
AMELIA
I was joking.
INTERVIEWER
You really don't believe in spirits Amelia?
AMELIA
(CALLING) Helloooo? Spirits? Are you there?
BEAT.
No. I don't.
ALVINA
I know what you mean Amelia, I was also a natural skeptic, still am really, but some of these stories are really weird. I mean, take the case of Arthur Conan Doyle, for example, you know during his memorial at The Royal Albert Hall, a chair was left empty so his spirit could attend, and apparently
(A FAINT TAP)
- uh... Did you just... What was that?
INTERVIEWER
Yes! What was that?
AMELIA
It was nothing.
(A LOUD TAP ALL OF THEM JUMP)
ALVINA
That was definitely something!
INTERVIEWER
It was! It was! It was the table!
ALVINA
It was.
AMELIA
You leaned against it!
ALVINA
No I didn't.
AMELIA
Yes you did.
ALVINA
I swear I didn't!
INTERVIEWER
I don't think she did.
AMELIA
Well... it's- it’s a wobbly table. It wobbled. Big wobbly deal.
ALVINA
It's just... it's such a coincidence.
AMELIA
A coincidence? What's a coincidence?
ALVINA
You asked a question and -
AMELIA
No I didn't.
ALVINA
Yes, you said:
"Hello, spirits, are you there?"
AMELIA
Oh come on! You don't seriously think -
(ANNOYED)
Hello table? Can you hear me?
(A TAP)
INTERVIEWER
(SQUEALS)
ALVINA
(GASPS)
AMELIA
Okay, that was a bit weird.
(REASSURES HERSELF)
But it just wobbled.
INTERVIEWER
Come on! Pull up some chairs. Let's sit around it!
AMELIA
We're sitting around the - ?
INTERVIEWER
Yes! We've made a connection! We have to maintain it! See how far this goes!
(THE INTERVIEWER PUSHES SOME CHAIRS INTO PLACE)
Come on everybody, sit down!
ALVINA
(EXCITED) Oh my god oh my god oh my god. So what do we do now?
(ALVINA, AMELIA AND THE INTERVIEWER SIT AROUND THE TABLE)
INTERVIEWER
I don't know... I've never done this before...
ALVINA
Uhm- Okay so- I think we all have to place our palms flat on the table...
INTERVIEWER
Alright, like this?
(ALVINA NODS)
AMELIA
Oh this is ridiculous.
ALVINA
It kind of is... But we should at least try... I mean if Hugo used this table to communicate with Plato, Hannibal, Rousseau, Aristophanes -
INTERVIEWER
Oh, it would be nice to reconnect with Aristophanes. An Aristophanes comedy for the twenty-first century, now that would be quite something!
ALVINA
Or maybe Mitzi could give me tips on how to improve those cookies...
INTERVIEWER
Oh yes…
AMELIA
Or maybe it's just... a wonky table?
INTERVIEWER
Well, let's ask it.
AMELIA
And how do we do that?
INTERVIEWER
(SING_SONG) Hello? Is anyone there?
(PAUSE)
AMELIA
I told you -
INTERVIEWER
Shh!
(LONG PAUSE)
AMELIA
How long are we going to -
(INTERVIEWER AND ALVINA SHUSH HER. ANOTHER LONG PAUSE)
Okay this is enough. If a spirit was here, they would have shown themselves by now.
(A TAP)
(INTERVIEWER AND ALVINA GASP)
You moved it!
INTERVIEWER
No I didn't!
ALVINA
Well I certainly didn't.
AMELIA
Anyway, you asked the question minutes ago, so how's this connected?
ALVINA
I... think…. It seems to espond better to you...
AMELIA
What?! To me?
INTERVIEWER
Yes... Ask it something Amelia.
AMELIA
Okay, hello Mr Ghost -
ALVINA
No! Nonono. If we're going to do this, you have to take it seriously.
AMELIA
Okay okay, okay fine!
(SHE CLEARS HER THROAT. THEN SLOWLY)
Hello. Are you there?
(A LOUD TAP)
(ALVINA, THE INTERVIEWER AND EVEN AMELIA SHUDDER)
ALVINA
(TREMBLING) That was a yes.
AMELIA
Huh. One of us probably just moved the table subconsciously, but -
(TWO LOUD TAPS)
ALVINA
(VOICE TREMBLING)
That was a no!
AMELIA
Holy fuck! You're sure you're not moving the table?
INTERVIEWER AND ALVINA
No!
INTERVIEWER
Let's keep going! We mustn't break the connection...
AMELIA
I'm not sure I like this...
ALVINA
Go on Amelia, ask who it is!
AMELIA
Who are you?
(THREE TAPS)
ALVINA
Three taps...
AMELIA
What does three taps mean again?
INTERVIEWER
A, B, C. It's a C! C... c... c... Chaucer? Carey Grant? Cleopatra?
(THE TABLE STARTS TAPPING AGAIN, REALLY FAST)
AMELIA
Woah, what is happening?
INTERVIEWER
I can't keep count.
ALVINA
Oh my God!
AMELIA
This is...
ALVINA
Insane!
(THE TAPPING STOPS)
INTERVIEWER
How many was that?
AMELIA
I think thirteen
ALVINA
(SIMULTANEOUSLY) I think twelve.
INTERVIEWER
Thirteen would be M.
ALVINA
"Cm." That doesn't mean anything.
INTERVIEWER
Twelve would be L...
ALVINA
Cl...
INTERVIEWER
Cleopatra! It is Cleopatra!
AMELIA
Are you Cleopatra?
(TWO TAPS)
ALVINA
No.
INTERVIEWER
Pity. She was such an entertaining woman.
ALVINA
What?
AMELIA
(CLEARS HER THROAT)
ALVINA
You're not going to claim Cleopatra was a client, are you?
INTERVIEWER
I -
AMELIA
Oh!
INTERVIEWER
What?
AMELIA
Client!
INTERVIEWER
Yes?
AMELIA
Client!
INTERVIEWER
What?
AMELIA
Are you- Are you a client?
(A TAP)
(INTERVIEWER, AMELIA AND ALVINA)
GASP
ALVINA
(SOFTLY) A client from the beyond...
AMELIA
How could we possibly help them?
INTERVIEWER
We're the best in the business!
ALVINA
Sure, but -
AMELIA
What do you want?
(PAUSE)
AMELIA
What do you want?
PAUSE.
INTERVIEWER
Do you think we frightened it away?
AMELIA
Why would a ghost want to fake their death? They're already dead.
ALVINA
You're right. It doesn't make any sense. Ghosts come back to play pranks, console loved ones or take revenge, not -
(A TAP)
INTERVIEWER
What does that mean?
ALVINA
I'm right?
(A TAP.)
AMELIA
This is a prank?
(TWO TAPS)
AMELIA
Something to do with a loved one?
(TWO TAPS)
AMELIA
Revenge then?
(ONE TAP)
ALVINA
Yes.
BEAT.
You were murdered?
(ONE TAP)
ALVINA
You want to take revenge on your murderer?
(ONE TAP)
INTERVIEWER
How can we help you get revenge?
AMELIA
Hang on, that's not really our department is it? We're a death faking agency.
INTERVIEWER
Maybe we can branch out... Help clients from the Beyond exact revenge! Doesn't that sound exciting?
ALVINA
Aren't ghosts quite capable of doing that by themselves? How do we fit in?
INTERVIEWER
Look, do you want to help this poor ghost or not?
AMELIA
What do you suggest we do?
INTERVIEWER
First we need to find out as much as possible about its demise.
(CLEARS HIS THROAT)
Who killed you?
(IMMEDIATELY THE TABLE STARTS TO SHAKE, TAPPING FURIOUSLY)
ALVINA
Woah!
INTERVIEWER
Count!
AMELIA
(FAST)
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U -
(TAPPING STOPS)
AMELIA
U.
INTERVIEWER
Uriah? Uriel? Ulysses?
(PAUSE)
Udo?
(PAUSE.)
Well?
(PAUSE)
ALVINA
U. Just U?
(A TAP)
AMELIA
Huh. Maybe a codename?
ALVINA
U... u... u...
AMELIA
Uh, you don't think...?
ALVINA
What?
BEAT.
You... you mean...
AMELIA
I mean...
ALVINA
That "u" means...
AMELIA
Us?
INTERVIEWER
Oh that's ridicu -
(A TAP)
ALVINA
(FAINTLY)Yes? That was a yes?
(A TAP)
INTERVIEWER
It's us?
(A TAP)
We killed you?
(A TAP.)
AMELIA
But...?
ALVINA
But...?
AMELIA
I... This... There must be some mistake!
INTERVIEWER
Oh! I've got it!
ALVINA
What?
INTERVIEWER
It must be a former client -
(A TAP)
See? A former client. And we faked their death.
ALVINA
Oh!
INTERVIEWER
But now they must have got themselves killed for real and -
AMELIA
Is that true? You mean we fake killed you?
(TWO TAPS)
No...
INTERVIEWER
Huh.
ALVINA
So... we... we really killed you?
(ONE TAP)
AMELIA
Are you sure you haven't got us mixed up? There are certain other so-called death faking agencies out there who take the cash, then bump off their clients for real. It's scammers like that who give our industry a bad name. But here at The Amelia Project -
ALVINA
Amelia.
AMELIA
Yes?
(PAUSE)
You're trembling. What is it?
ALVINA
Tony Di Pasqua.
AMELIA
Sorry?
ALVINA
Tony Di Pasqua. The mafia boss. Remember?
INTERVIEWER
Of course!
FLASHBACK.
TONY
I'm going to count to three. After three, you’ll be dripping off the wall like a bolognese. One...
Two...
INTERVIEWER
I really dislike firearms!
TONY
Two and a half...
INTERVIEWER
(A GUNSHOT. A THUD. SILENCE)
INTERVIEWER
You shot him!
ALVINA
Yes, I shot him.
END OF FLASHBACK.
INTERVIEWER
I was very impressed with how you shot down that bastard.
ALVINA
(TERRIFIED) Shh! He might be in the room with us!
INTERVIEWER
(IMMEDIATELY CHANGING TACK) Shame on you Alvina! What a coldblooded thing to do!
ALVINA
(WEAKLY) It was self defense!
AMELIA
You think the ghost of Tony Di Pasqa cares?
ALVINA
(VERY WEAKLY) Are you... Tony Di Pasqua?
(TWO TAPS)
ALVINA
No!
INTERVIEWER
No?
ALVINA
(RELIEVED) No! No! It's not Tony. Phew!
AMELIA
But then who...?
INTERVIEWER
Have we killed anyone else?
ALVINA
I don't think so?
AMELIA
Actually...
ALVINA
Yes?
AMELIA
I don't recall his name, but there was that guy who hid in the closet. You locked him in, remember?
ALVINA
Oh! Wait! Alex! His name was Alex! Remember- He'd put his wife through a wood chipper!
INTERVIEWER
Oh no... No, he was a psychopath!
FLASHBACK
INTERVIEWER
Alvina! He’s like the lovechild of Norman Bates and Lady Macbeth!
ALVINA
Not boring then?
INTERVIEWER
You got us into this Alvina, now get us out!
ALVINA
Eh... I got us into this?
ALEX
(MUFFLED)
Can I come out yet?
INTERVIEWER
Yes! You're supposed to research clients so we don't, I don't know, invite someone in here who might chop us into pieces and bake us into a pie!
ALEX
(MUFFLED, RATTLING ON THE CLOSET DOOR)
I'm having difficulty breathing.
ALVINA
I'm supposed to do background checks-
INTERVIEWER
Yes!
ALVINA (CON’T)
welcome the clients to the office-
INTERVIEWER
Yes!
ALVINA (CON’T)
draw up their contracts-
INTERVIEWER
Yes!
ALVINA (CON’T)
bribe them into secrecy and make your bloody cocoa?
INTERVIEWER
Yes!
ALVINA
It's too much!
ALEX
(MUFFLED)
Oh fuck.
(ALEX COLLAPSES)
INTERVIEWER
What was that?
ALVINA
I think he just fainted. We better open the door.
INTERVIEWER
(URGENTLY)
No!!! He's a killer Alvina!!! He kills people!!! Don't open that-
(ALVINA OPENS THE WARDROBE AND ALEX FALLS OUT)
INTERVIEWER
Is he...?
ALVINA
I think you just killed him.
INTERVIEWER
Oh. Hm. Well. Righty-ho. That's that sorted then.
ALVINA
Good timing actually. Kozlowski needs a replacement corpse for the Langsbury disappearance and Walter at the morgue can't get one till tomorrow.
INTERVIEWER
Good! Shall we bring him straight to the basement then?
ALVINA
You take the head and I'll take the feet.
END OF FLASHBACK.
INTERVIEWER
TREMBLING VOICE
Alex... Is that you?
(A TAP)
INTERVIEWER
(SQUEALS)
ALVINA
(WHIMPERS)
AMELIA
SHIT!
(A CUP FALLS TO THE FLOOR AND SHATTERS)
INTERVIEWER
We- We didn't mean to kill you Alex! I locked you into that cupboard for your own safety, to keep you hidden, and then -
(A GUST OF WIND BLOWS THE WINDOWS OPEN)
AMELIA
(SCREAMS)
INTERVIEWER, AMELIA AND ALVINA
No! Alex! Help! Help! Stop! Ahhhh!
INTERVIEWER AND ALVINA
(THEY START LAUGHING)
AMELIA
Uh?
ALVINA & INTERVIEWER
(LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY)
AMELIA
You find it amusing that we're being haunted by a psychopathic killer? Wait you-
INTERVIEWER
She fell for it! She really fell for it!
AMELIA
Um...?
ALVINA
I'm sorry Amelia!
INTERVIEWER
It was a prank!
AMELIA
You mean?
ALVINA
We just wanted to see if we could make you believe for a bit.
AMELIA
So you were moving the table?
INTERVIEWER
And it worked!
ALVINA
Yes.
AMELIA
I... I... But you looked so scared Alvina!
INTERVIEWER
Yes! That really was great acting, Alvina!
AMELIA
You two are terrible!
ALVINA
To be honest, we were lucky with the falling teacup and the wind.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, that really added something.
ALVINA
For a moment there I was genuinely spooked!
INTERVIEWER
It really felt as if we'd conjured up a genuine spirit!
(A TAP)
Uhm.
AMELIA
Ha ha, don't milk it.
ALVINA
No, that wasn't me.
AMELIA
(SARCASTICALLY)
Of course not.
ALVINA
Was it you?
INTERVIEWER
Me? No!
ALVINA
Oh, haha! Very funny Amelia.
AMELIA
What?
ALVINA
It was you! You're trying to get revenge!
AMELIA
No!
INTERVIEWER
Or maybe it is Alex trying to get revenge...
ALVINA
Stop it.
AMELIA
Right, everybody raise your hands.
(THEY ALL RAISE THEIR HANDS)
Okay, and move the chairs back a bit. No touching the table with your feet.
(THEY ALL MOVE THEIR CHAIRS BACK)
AMELIA
So, here goes. Are you real?
(THE TABLE STARTS SHAKING)
Shit!
ALVINA
(QUIETLY) Oh my god.
INTERVIEWER
Well strike me like a bongo!
AMELIA
Is it...?
ALVINA
I think it's lifting off!
INTERVIEWER
We can't let it! It might hurt someone! Press down everyone!
(THEY ALL PRESS THEIR HANDS DOWN ON THE TABLE AS IT TRIES TO LIFT)
AMELIA
(HER VOICE STRAINED AS SHE PRESSES)
Well that was a really smart idea, bringing a haunted artifact into the office!
ALVINA
(STRAINED)
You think we angered it by using it for a prank?
INTERVIEWER
(STRAINED)
We're sorry! We're truly -
(THE TABLE STARTS SCRAPING ACROSS THE FLOOR)
INTERVIEWER
It's moving away!
ALVINA
What the -
AMELIA
Hold on to it!
INTERVIEWER
Its... it's...
(THE TABLE LIFTS OFF AND TEARS ACROSS THE ROOM, CRASHING INTO FURNITURE, SENDING BOOKS, CROCKERY AND CASE FILES FLYING)
(INTERVIEWER, AMELIA AND ALVINA ALL SCREAM)
MUSIC AND CREDITS
Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits!
The Amelia Project is a production of Imploding Fictions.
This episode featured Alan Burgon as The Interviewer, Julia C. Thorne as Alvina, Julia Morizawa as Amelia, Stan Morris as Joey and Tony di Pasqua, Fernando Tiberini as Salvatore and James Oliva as Alex.
The episode was written and edited by Philip Thorne with story editing by Oystein Ulsberg Brager, sound design by Alexander Danner, music by Fredrik Baden, production assistance by Maty Parzival and graphic design by Anders Pedersen.
We are currently deep into the writing of Season 5 Part 3 and would love to go into production soon, but we need your support. This show is funded by listeners like you, so if the show brings you joy, consider paying us for the work we do. All we’re asking is the price of a cup of cocoa when we release a new episode, and you can set up a running pledge over on patreon, by going to ameliapodcast.com and clicking on support the show.
Thank you so much to everyone who is already supporting the show, it means so much to us, and a shoutout to our super patrons, that’s Celeste Joos, Heat 312, Rodney Daliege, Jem Fidyk, Alban Ossant, Amélie and Alison, Stefanie Weittenhiller, Rafael Eduardo Wefers Verastegui, Alison Thro, Patricia Bohnwagner, Bryce Godmer, Cliff Huizenga, Michael West, Tom Putnam, Deanna Berchenbriter, Tim McMackin, Blythe Varney, Parker Pearcy, Sophy H, Nitali Arora, Lee & Vee Hewerdine, Mr Squiggles, David Livingston, Toni Fisher, Tibbi, Florian Beijers, Courtney Mays Rensen, Boo, Jacqui Bee, Helia Hase, Liebredeaconito, Mark Skrobanek, Astra Kim, Olivea Dodson and Philip Hansen.
And now, the epilogue!
EPILOGUE.
JOEY AND SALVATORE'S WORKSHOP.
AMELIA
Can you make it move?
SALVATORE
Italian
Of course.
AMELIA
Spin?
JOEY
Absolutely.
AMELIA
Fly up into the air?
SALVATORE
We like a challenge.
AMELIA
Great. And you can have it ready by Halloween?
JOEY
We'll do our best!
SALVATORE
After it flies into the air, can it explode?
AMELIA
No more indoor explosions Salvatore, remember?
SALVATORE
(MUMBLES IN ITALIAN) Spoil sport.
AMELIA
What was that?
SALVATORE
No explosions, understood.
AMELIA
Good. Now I'm going to put this -
(SHAKES A NEWSPAPER)
- on his desk. Want to take bets on how quickly he orders the table?
JOEY
What's so special about it?
AMELIA
Nothing. I picked it up for a fiver at a yard sale.
(PLEASED WITH HERSELF)
But I just faked an ad, claiming its Victor Hugo's writing table.
JOEY
Victor who?
AMELIA
Hugo.
JOEY
Who?
AMELIA
Hugo.
JOEY
Who?
AMELIA
Hugo.
JOEY
Who?
AMELIA
Hugo.
JOEY
Who?
AMELIA
Hu-.
(SIGHS)
A famous writer. He had a haunted writing table that could channel spirits, or so he claimed. It's just the sort of thing Arthur and Alvina are going to lap up!
JOEY & SALVATORE
(LAUGH)
AMELIA
Once the mechanics are ready, we'll box the table up and you can deliver it to his office. This is going to be so much fun! See you later boys!
JOEY
See you!
SALVATORE
Ciao!
(AMELIA LEAVES)
JOEY
Do you know this Vincent Hugo?
SALVATORE
I think it was Viggo.
JOEY
Nah, pretty sure it was Vincent.
(TWO TAPS)
JOEY
What was that?
SALVATORE
You pushed the table.
JOEY
No I didn't.
SALVATORE
Yes you did!
JOEY
No I didn't!
SALVATORE
What, a ghost moved it?
(A TAP)
(JOEY & SALVATORE GASP)
SALVATORE
Mamma mia!
JOEY
Hello? Are you a ghost?
(A TAP)
(JOEY & SALVATORE JUMP)
JOEY
Are you... are you... Hector Hugo?
END.