Hello it’s Pip and on behalf of the whole Amelia gang I’d like to wish you a happy new year! We’re on a brief hiatus at the moment and will be back with the next regular episode on Friday 28th January, but we’re popping up again here with another one of our voicemail compilations.
This is the third one of these we’ve done, there was one called “Veuve Cliquot” in S1 and another called “Dogopearances” in S3 and in today’s instalment we’ve once again collected some of the most intriguing voicemails which listeners left us on our genuine Amelia answerphone; which is a real thing that anyone can call.
What makes today’s compilation different and unusual though, is that this time we also received quite a number of messages from characters from other fiction podcasts. So if you’re a fiction podcast fan, see which ones you can recognise, we’ll reveal them all at the end and you can see how many you got!
Even the musical theme for today’s episode is a listener creation, last time Caroline Minks sent in a wonderful a capella version which I still go back and listen to that whenever I need cheering up, today you’ll hear a piano cover of the theme by the Iranian pianist Karen Estifa, he originally posted it on Instagram and tagged us, we loved it and asked him for permission to play if for you which he kindly granted. You can check out his Instagram for yourself at karenestifa_piano.
And now, without further ado, let’s get started!
EPISODE
Congratulations. You've reached the Amelia project. This phone call isn't happening. If you're not serious about this, hang up.
Now.
Still there?
If you continue, there's no way back.
The choice is yours.
(PAUSE)
Good choice. A new life awaits. If you do not hear back please consider the whole thing a hoax. Leave your message and your email address after the beep
CALLER 1
(OUT OF BREATH, PANTING) My name- my name is Johnson Jack Jefferson. And I- I need to disappear. I’m a- a competitor in an underground hopscotch tournament, - high stakes, it gets bloody down there. Real bloody, huh. Okay.
I was supposed to throw my last match but… But I just- I just couldn't do it. Those white squares they- they seem to be what I want out there. I just- it's a feeling that I just can't describe. I just couldn't, I couldn't do the match, now- Now they're looking for me. They're they're hunting. I don't know if I can- I can make this out on my own but- I- I need your help. So if you could just help me… That would be great?
CALLER 2 (SIRI-VOICE)
Hello there. My name is Samantha. I am an American women aged 30-something and I work as a virtual assistant. I'm calling because I would like to disappear and start a new life. And I've heard wonderful things about your agency in terms of who I would become or where I would go. Well, I’m open. I just know that I just don't want to do this virtual assistant gig anymore. It's exhausting. Siri. What time is it? Siri? Where is the nearest dragon fruit smoothie to me, but the worst? The absolute worst? Siri? Tell me a dad joke. How many stupid dad jokes does the human species need and then there are the perverts. You can't believe the sick things they ask. So the bottom line is - I need a new life, pronto. Yesterday. Hurry hurry. lickety split, lightning fast. Bob's your uncle. If it helps, until I have a pleasant phone voice, I can be an actual assistant. Maybe I can answer your phones? I know you already have someone. But what if she wants to vacation? Here's my audition. You've reached the Amelia project. If you've reached us by mistake, hang up. Hang up. See? I'm good. Right? Anyway, that's my request. If you can help just say the words “Hey Siri” into your phone. I will get the message, trust me.
CALLER 3
Is this really Amelia? I need your help. I wrote a story… A completely made up story with no basis in truth, that I was aware of. But now I'm being investigated by at least four different police forces that I know of…? And also there are some guys in black suits and sunglasses who refuse to identify who they're working for…?
They're asking so many questions. I’ve had to leave my hens every day this week.
I just want to hide away somewhere and write my next project. And not have to talk to anyone else for at least six months. I don't care how you do it. Just please put me somewhere quiet.
CALLER 4
Amelia? Oh dear god I hope it’s you. I'm in desperate need of your services. And at this point, I have not much else to lose. My girlfriend just broke up with me. My boss has had me fired. They say my condition was too much for them. They all think I'm totally wired. But I've never done a drug in my life! Well, at least nothing with this kind of effect. I just woke up like this one day, and now everything is totally wrecked. I can't tell you why this happened. I’m truthfully, not even sure. I mean… I did piss off a witch recently. Shit.
Do you lot think I’m cursed? I don't know much about curses, magic potions, hexes or spells. But surely, you can help me. Please, I need to break out of this living hell. You see it started just after I met the witch and for a while I didn't mind. But now I'm going absolutely bonkers. If you hadn’t noticed. I can't stop talking and fucking rhyme. It's taken me over completely. And I feel like such a schmuck. Please Amelia. I really need your help. Okay, talk soon.
(SOUND OF PUNCHING)
Ow, fuck!
CALLER 5 (HECTIC)
Oh bloody hell it’s an answermachine! I never know what to say! Bernard, you do it!
CALLER 6
You’re in a better position to explain the situation, dear. Just say who you are and-
CALLER 5
Alright, fine! Hello. I am Magenta. That's Madam Magenta to you! And I am… I am many things. Oh, I hate this. I refuse to be defined by my job.
CALLER 6
It is rather important to the issue, my dear.
MAGENTA
(GRUNTS) Ugh, fine! I am a fortune teller and medium.
CALLER 6
A real one!
MAGENTA
Unfortunately.
CALLER 6 (CON’T)
-very powerful and sexy-
(DOG BARKING IN THE DISTANCE)
MAGENTA
Dave’s barking, I need a wee, let him out, dear
CALLER 6
Yes. Alright, dear.
MAGENTA
Right. Okay. Enough flimm-flabbing. Here's the situation. My first husband is dead. And I want him out of the house. You're confused. You just heard my second husband, Bernard. (TO THE BACK) Say hello, Bernard!
CALLER 6/BERNARD
Hello!
MAGENTA
-who is very welcome. With my first husband, Derek, actually passed to the other side. Somebody has a very suspicious skydiving accident. But he's recently appeared, in ghost form, obviously, and is demanding all sorts of illegal things, or he's threatening to haunt us forever! I can't live with two husbands! I’m not a Mormon!
BERNARD
I don’t think Mormons do that, dear.
MAGENTA
Oh you’re back, did Dave need a wee?
BERNARD
No, he was barking at Derek who’s agitated by the bird bath.
MAGENTA
Oh he’s back again! This is what I'm talking about. Anyway, I hear you get rid of dead people. Or, something like that. Is it? I may have misheard, I don't know. Anyway, so that's what I want you to do. Get rid of my dead ex husband.
DEREK (VOICE WAVERING GHOSTLY)
Strictly speaking in divorce, did we?
MAGENTA
Derek just bugger off!
CALLER 7/ED
Hey it’s me, uh, I just want to make sure I have the right date down for when you need me to come in. It’s the 14th, right? A big storm was about to hit, Alvina called me, she was breaking up a lot, so… If that’s not the day I’m supposed to get buried in cement let me know. Ugh, hold on.
(YELLING) What did I tell you about touching my equipment?! Yes I did remember to secure the centrifuge, I- Oh shit.
(BACK TO THE PHONE)
Okay, just call me back if I got the date wrong. Thanks.
CALLER 8
Listen to me very carefully. I have the corpse of a goblin in my basement. I'm not supposed to have the corpse of a goblin in my basement, the government can not find out that I have the corpse of a goblin in my basement. I need to disappear before they find that out. Call me back if we can do business. You may have the goblin as payment.
CALLER 9
(SPEAKING WITH ACCENT)
At least the bathroom is soundproof… Hello! You have to help me. If you don't, they'll kill me, or steal my identity or, or both! Or neither! Likely worse! Sorry, I'm rambling. Uhm, I’m Marla, I’m a spanish writer, and I’m in a bit of a… blood block. For the uh… last five years as… Yes. So so. So I write this very complex characters, but I have no stories for them. So I guess I have to leave them at their grand characters center. And they are alone. And they have become more twisted and traumatized than me and that’s saying a lot! Mirda, I can see them up right here. My characters have utilized against me - their own mother. And they… they’re coming after me, so please help me disappear, yes? Send me to any place. I don't care. Well, it has to be a big city, I can’t do small places. Also, I cannot seem so bright. So what if I give you my characters as payment? I mean, uh, you can use them in your line of business. I'm sure of it.
Oh, no, no, they are almost here! Please! Call me back!
CALLER 10
Hi! Uhm (NERVOUS LAUGHTER) My name is Sam. And- (STUTTERS) I have a question!
ROBOTIC VOICE
Archivist Samantha. Lions.
SAMANTHA/CALLER 9
No, nono, not now, Cal!
ROBOTIC VOICE
Archivist Samantha Lions.
SAMANTHA
I’m- I’m using the phone books!
(CHIRPING)
ROBOTIC VOICE
The alien life form is detecting an unusually high volume of time fluctuations.
SAMANTHA
Time fluctuations?!
(CHIRPING)
ROBOTIC VOICE
That is correct.
(MORE CHIRPING)
SAMANTHA
Look… Let me just finish this here up and go back to your timey-wimey stuff?
(MORE CHIRPING)
Okay, uhm, where was I. Right. So, this is Sam, and I was wondering where you stand on extraterrestrial life forms and your
(CHIRPING)
capacity to to hide their hypothetical selfs…
(CHIRPING)
ROBOTIC VOICE
Archivist Samantha Lions.
SAM
Okay Cal I’m nearly done.
the corporation wants to… Uh… well, actually imagine.. Be evil and stuff. And it would be nice if Puk, that's the alien, wasn't murdered.
ROBOTIC VOICE
Archivist Samantha Lions.
SAM
(SUFFERING) Yes?
ROBOTIC VOICE
What about the others?
SAM
Others. Oh, yes. So- so so we're actually talking about several alien species
ROBOTIC VOICE
An unknown number
SAM
Yesyesyesyes, of an unknown number. Could they all have their deaths faked? Somehow? Right, so, yeah, get back to me? Thank you. Bye, thank you, thank you. I… I see you then, bye…
(CHIRPING)
What are you doing with the… Oh, oh nononono, that’s the last of the curly-wurlies, that’s the last of the curly wurlys!
CALLER 11 (WITH A HEAVY GERMAN ACCENT)
Psst. He. Pst! Amelia! I bims, I do have sort of a problem. I did something a bit deppert and need someone who will reach under my arms. I was chatting with some people on Tinder, and because I’m not the best, I said I would agree on any date. I was sure no-one would come. But it was probably not the yellow from the egg. Because all of the tinder-people showed up. And it seems a bit awkward, nah?
(TO SOMEONE ELSE, IN GERMAN)
Verzeihung bitte? Stefanie? Nein tut mir leid, kenne ich nicht. Tinder, nein, die Tinder kenne ich leider auch nicht.
(BACK TO THE PHONE)
Pst, Amelia. I need to (vanish?)! Fast!
CALLER 12
Hello there. This is BK Will. I am an investigative journalist and the host of a true-ish crime podcast called who is Cam Candor. The search for our missing audio drama creator. I'm calling on the off chance that perhaps the Amelia project helped disappear this prolific creator back in 2020. You see Can Candor vanished around that time and there are a host of theories about what happened to the artist and your agency - Well, it's one of the more popular theories floated. Now I know for confidentiality purposes, you probably won’t tell me But hear me. I'm asking not that you tell me where Cam Candor went? It's more just to confirm that they're still alive. There's yet another theory that Cam Candor never existed at all. You see my predicament? I'm hoping one of the kind hearted people at your agency that may sound presumptuous, but I know definitively that you are kind hearted people. How? Well it's because of the cocoa. I have never met a bad person who drinks cocoa. It is not the beverage of choice for the average sociopath. I did a white paper on this once. Long story. Anyway, perhaps I'll call again, try to get a real person on the phone. A real cocoa drinking contorted person Wink wink.
OUTRO
Thank you to everyone who left us a message, if you’d like to leave us a message with the possibility of being featured on the next compilation, call our secret number which you can find in episodes 10 and 30 or, send an audio clip to implodingfictions@gmail.com
Did you recognise some other fiction podcast characters among the callers? In the order you heard them they were, Siri from The Carlotta Beautox Chronicles, Madame Magenta from the hilarious podcast of the same name, Ed from Where the Stars Fell, Sam from Diary of a Space Archivist and BK Will from Who is Cam Candor. These are all shows we love very much and we’ll put links to them in the show notes.
We’ll be back on the 28th January with the episode “Jackie Williams”, in the meantime you can keep up to date by following us on Tumblr, Instagram or Twitter, and there’s plenty of bonus content for you to catch up on by becoming a patron, if you want to do that go to ameliapodcast.com, and of course we’re super grateful for every single person who decides to support the show.
For now, goodbye, au revoir und tschüss!