ITTHOBAAL’S INVENTIONS 9 – BRANCHING OUT

(MUSIC)

ITTHOBAALS STUDY.

(THE SCRATCHING OF A QUILL ITTHOBAAL IS CALMLY TRYING TO SETTLE HIS MIND)

ITTHOBAAL

Dear pages of introspection, inventions and ideas.

The year is 1244, it is a leap year, and today is the extra day. That makes it a fine day to ponder new ideas.

Lately, I have wondered if I should start another side business, next to my endeavours with Arthur.

(A REASSURANCE) Faking deaths and inventing new lives is as rewarding as ever, I am not discontent. It is only that I have so many other ideas!

Death faking requires ingenuity, I do not claim otherwise. In my time, I have made replacement bodies out of everything from berries to goat droppings. I have faked hangings, maulings, beheadings and stab wounds. I have mixed potions that clear up acne and potions that cause more of it. I have transformed short men into giants and made giants petite, through surgery or optical illusion.

(AN APPEAL TO COMMON SENSE) But what about all the ideas I have that can have no application in death fakery?

(DETERMINED) No, I need another outlet for my creativity! The idea has entered my mind now, and I cannot shake it! I want to start an invention consultancy firm!

What would an invention consultancy firm be, you ask? Well, let me enlighten you!

It would be a place patrons come for ideas! Where they can browse an ever-expanding archive of new inventions. Some inventions I may make and display, whereas others exist simply as drawings and descriptions. A shop where the uninspired but curious, the rich but untalented, can find new gadgets of excitement and pleasure to invest in! Gadgets of which they could be the sole owner, to impress all their friends! I am convinced such an establishment would be marvellously successful!

(DEFENDING HIMSELF) What? Do you doubt that I have enough ideas to fill such a space? You do not believe that my mind is racing every minute of the day with new inspirations? Oh. Let me prove it to you! I will list my best ideas and let you - dear disapproving diary - be the judge of my genius!

Here is a short list of the latest ideas I have had.

(CLEARS HIS THROAT)

(HE LISTS THE ITEMS ONE BY ONE IN A METHODICAL MANNER)

A machine that helps you dress in the morning.

A tea which neither makes you more awake nor more sleepy.

A stirrup that unfolds and becomes a ladder to help clumsy people mount a horse.

Water slides.

A mechanical berry picker.

A mechanical nose picker.

A pair of scissors made specifically for nose hairs. Ordinary scissors are remarkably hard to get in there.

A machine that peels a banana for you.

Mostly useful in the tropics, there are still no bananas imported to these parts.

(WISTFUL)

I miss bananas...

(FOCUSED AGAIN)

A three legged chicken.

A machine to help you tell twins apart.

A potion that helps men fall out of love with their horse.

A potion that helps men fall out of love with their whores.

An organization that helps horses and whores escape men who will not drink said potions.

Mechanical concubines.

A torch powered by fireflies.

Toffee that glues your mouth shut. I mean for real. I am aware toffee always glues your mouth shut. I am talking about a permanent type.

Using an octopus as a cod piece.

A state-run home for elderly people.

A separate home for elderly mages. Commoners and mages should not mix...

A currency that does not exist. It would be a mathematical theorem worked out by cryptics with nothing better to do. It could be called… cryptocoins! Sure, it has no practical application, but why should it? The application of mind and thought has inherent value!

Crab cakes.

Someone might have invented crab cakes already, but it is a great idea!

An egg slicer.

Carts with only one wheel.

Training swords made of hardened sap from the rubber tree.

A notation system for song and music.

A penis museum.

(WITH A SMILE) There are so many funny peni…

(STRAIGHT BACK TO THE LIST) A slice of bread that can hold a slice of meat on either side without the meat falling off.

(FADING OUT)

END.