ITTHOBAAL’S INVENTIONS 5 – HAUTE COUTURE
(MUSIC)
A QUILL WRITING.
(GIDDY WITH AN EXCITING IDEA)
ITTHOBAAL
Dear manual of mechanics and magic!
The year is 1504 and today is a Friday.
At first, I was against us becoming cobblers. I did not think it was a suitable front for a death faking business. I said it would be too much work. I insisted that it would demand learning a new craft, which would take time and energy away from what we are supposed to be doing.
But I have come around. I have changed my mind.
All because of a vision. A vision of... haute couture! Of fashion! Of spectacle! Of glamour and flamboyance! Of… magic.
I have invented the most incredible line of shoes.
Paradoxically, I think it was the Medicis who inspired me. Can that be? They are one of the most uninspiring families I have ever come across! Let us say they did not inspire the idea, rather they... prompted it. I will explain:
Lately, the Medicis have ordered all sorts of fancy footwear.
(UNIMPRESSED)
Gold laces, bone buttons, eiderdown soles... anything and everything they can think of to impress and outdo each other.
(WITH DISDAIN)
(SIGHS) They are such a pathetic family. They treat life itself as a dicing house, all in the name of power and influence.
By comparison, I have no political power, and I have the finances to influence exactly no one and nothing - yet little old me - not them but I - hold the key to life and death!
I have greater power in my humble existence than the Medicis will ever have in their grandeur!
But alas, this is a truth they will never learn.
(HALF-ADMITTING, BUT WITH A SHRUG) The Medici's may be patrons of the arts. They may have helped invent the piano and co-funded Saint Peter's Basilica. But even so, they are philistines. They are as limited in their creativity as they are limitless in their incessant competition.
Compared to me, they are as visionary as a horse wearing blinders.
(PROUDLY)
Me, on the other hand, with centuries of experiences to enhance my inspiration? I who hold the knowledge of a thousand men? What I can create is beyond – beyond… simply beyond!
Listen to this, dear diary, listen to this.
This is my new line of boutique boots!
(EXCITED INTAKE)
The Neptune!
- a turquoise boot filled with water so your foot gets washed as you walk around in it!
The Summer Breeze!
- a light German bear-claw shoe that emits small bursts of perfume every time you take a step! Combating stinky feet one step at a time!
The Duck's Secret...
A small, unassuming duckbill shoe, filled with secret compartments for transporting illicit documents or tiny objects or a small but significant amount of gunpowder!
The Firebird!
A black velvet shoe that spits flames every time you click your heels!
And finally, the masterpiece among masterpieces...
The Phoenix!
A tall boot in the finest red leather which, if you stomp your foot in anger or kick an enemy, bursts into flames! And when the ashes fly away... a dashing sapphire-covered riding boot is revealed beneath!
(SIGHS CONTENTEDLY)
I am also dreaming of making a shoe that combines all of these features into one magnificent creation.
If I make such a shoe, I wonder if I could get Arthur to test it? He does like wearing fancy shoes…
It is a tad risky of course.
(ACCURATELY, WITHOUT HESITATION)
The fire from the Firebird might set alight the compressed perfume from the Summer Breeze, triggering the second fire function of the Phoenix; the combined heat of which might make the hidden gunpowder from the Duckbill Spy explode. I admit this shoe does indeed share many properties with a... grenade.
An explosion would send sharp shrapnel of sapphire flying in all directions, mixed with scorched remnants of foot.
A surprising way to attack an enemy, sure, but it is hard to continue a fight if you are one leg short.
(BRUSHING IT OFF)
However, I do think Arthur should take the chance! It would be a spectacular shoe!
(HE TAKES A DEEP BREATH, THEN)
I have a feeling we will not be here for long though. This niggling suspicion in my tummy tells me soon something will happen that will draw us away from shoemaking. We shall see.
I have to go to a meeting in the cobbler’s guild now. I am not looking forward to it. Such a dull group of people. If I hear one more pun about the soul and soles, I may actually make the Grenade shoe for the next guild meeting.
Until next time, dear diary of death and destruction, until next time.
END.