PIP
Hello dear Amelia listeners! We're back on the feed with an update about something we have planned... But rather than me just telling you about it, how about we introduce it with a sketch from the Amelia offices?
Let us take you back to the office in London, the good old days when everyone was still together in one location. It's a busy day at the world's number one death faking agency.
Enjoy!
(THE INTERVIEWER ALONE IN HIS OFFICE)
INTERVIEWER
(SINGING) Deck the halls with boughs of holly, falalalala lalalala! 'Tis the season to be jolly, falalalala lalalala! Don we now our gay apparel, falalalala lalalala-
(ALVINA BURSTS IN)
ALVINA
What is going on?
INTERVIEWER
Oh! Hello Alvina. Would you like a gingerbread man?
Alvina
What?
INTERVIEWER
A gingerbread man. Well, I say "man", but look! I made angels and donkeys and camels and sheep and stars and baby Jesus and -
ALVINA
You made the whole nativity out of gingerbread!
INTERVIEWER
The wise men are especially scrumptious.
ALVINA
Why?!
INTERVIEWER
Extra brandy frosting.
ALVINA
No, I mean why are you making nativity biscuits?
INTERVIEWER
Oh! Getting in the mood.
ALVINA
For what?
INTERVIEWER
Goodness Alvina, you really are very slow today aren't you? Christmas of course! I'll get Salvatore to make an espresso. You need to throw some caffeine at that brain. You can dunk your wise man in it.
(PRESSES THE INTERCOM)
(INTO THE INTERCOM) Salvatore.
Ah, no. I just remembered. He's not here. I sent Joey and Salvatore to Salcey Forest. Do you by any chance know how to use the espresso machine Alvina?
ALVINA
What are Joey and Salvatore doing in Salcey Forest?
INTERVIEWER
Chopping down fir trees. I've asked for six. One for each office, one for the waiting room, one for Kozlowski's basement, and I thought we'd send one to Walter at the morgue too. We can each decorate a tree and make it a competition! I already have plans for mine... all I'll say is that it involves pom poms and the sequins left over from Madame Lesage's death by embroidery.
ALVINA
(SARCASTICALLY)
Have you also organised snow?
INTERVIEWER
I knew there was something I was forgetting! We need to make it snow...
Alvina
incredulous
We need to -?
INTERVIEWER
No Christmas without snow!
Alvina
It's July.
INTERVIEWER
So?
Alvina
(SLOWLY) It's July!
INTERVIEWER
Yes?
Alvina
J U L Y.
INterviewer
You don't have to keep repeating it.
ALVINA
I think I do! It's July and you want to make it snow??
INTERVIEWER
Well Alvina, We're the number one death faking agency in the world.
ALVINA
What's that got to do with -
INTERVIEWER
We have the resources to divert jumbo jets, build islands in the Pacific and paint the Taj Mahal bright purple.
ALVINA
We painted the Taj Mahal bright purple?
INTERVIEWER
Yes, we did. But that was before your time. My point: if we put our minds to it, surely we can whip up a spot of snow?
ALVINA
But why?
INTERVIEWER
pityingly
Gosh, you really need that espresso Alvina.
ALVINA
I know I know "to get into the Christmas spirit", I get it, or rather, no, I don't get it, because why would you get into the Christmas spirit I N J U L Y ?!?!
INTERVIEWER
Exactly! Christmas is only six months away!
ALVINA
Six months is ample time!
INTERVIEWER
If we start preparations now it is.
ALVINA
Normally people wait until... uh... November? December?
INTERVIEWER
And then they're always so stressed out.
ALVINA
Ok, you do have a point there.
INTERVIEWER
You're the one who taught me the importance of preparation, remember?
ALVINA
(FLABBERGASTED) You were listening?
INTERVIEWER
You sound surprised.
Alvina
Well, it's just that you seemed more focused on balancing a Malteser on your nose...
INTERVIEWER
I can multitask!
ALVINA
snorts
INTERVIEWER
It's true! Remember that time I conducted Mr Bhaskar's interview whilst playing Tiddlywinks?
ALVINA
That was very unprofessional!
INTERVIEWER
Not at all. I beat Kozlowski, and Mr Bhaskar is very happy with his new life on the Gull Islands.
ALVINA
We're veering off point.
INTERVIEWER
The point being?
ALVINA
It's too early to be planning Christmas!
INTERVIEWER
Oh. Pity... Yes, I wanted to go shopping for your present this afternoon...
Alvina
Oh... I... Uh... Well I'm very touched, but I still think -
INTERVIEWER
Listen Alvina. Don't you find that Christmas has this devious way of sneaking up on you and catching you unawares?
ALVINA
Uh, we're talking about Christmas right, not the pickpockets on the tube?
INTERVIEWER
It's the same story every year! I've barely digested my Easter candy, when "Ho Ho Ho" it's suddenly time to buy presents and stuff turkeys and compose carols.
ALVINA
Well, it is true that December is always a mad rush, and it is good to plan ahead, but - Wait, did you say compose carols?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, I'm working on a little Christmas Oratorio. You're singing the descant, I'm relying on Joey and Salvatore for the bass and, well, I've given up on trying to get Amelia to sing, so she can do percussion.
ALVINA
You are aware that there's work to do!
INTERVIEWER
Painfully aware! Oh, last year you really struggled to hit the high notes in "O Little Town of Bethlehem." We're going to need a lot of practice.
ALVINA
I wasn't talking about singing!
Interviewer
No?
ALVINA
The cases are piling up! We need a new passport for Mr Murakami, a new profession for Reverend Harris, and we have to figure out how on earth we're going to pull off Frau Lehmeier's death in front of the United Nations general assembly. It will be televised.
INTERVIEWER
Piece of cake! The Christmas oratorio and the embroidered pom poms for my tree on the other hand...
ALVINA
You're not going to beat me with your tree by the way!
INTERVIEWER
Oh! I am!
ALVINA
Oh! You're not!
INTERVIEWER
(NERVOUS) Why- What are you planning?
ALVINA
My lips are sealed.
BEAT.
All I'll say is that it involves the metallic spray we used on the Dutch ambassador's Mercedes and the bunting we used to strangle Miss Wilson.
INTERVIEWER
You see! You're getting the hang of this! Will you help me cut paper snowflakes tonight? I've got this new twelvefold technique which is really nifty.
ALVINA
I was going to go swimming once work is done.
Interviewer (CON’T)
- Then we can tuck into a Christmas Pudding! I'm trying out a new recipe with extra rum and stewed prunes -
Alvina (CON’T)
Then I was going to go get ice cream with Amelia.
Interviewer (CON’T)
- Then we could have a cup of cocoa and watch "It's A Wonderful Life". Or "Jack Frost 2, Return of the Mutant Killer Snowman". Or or or... "Love Actually"!
ALVINA
You know how much I adore "Love Actually", but I... I prefer to do summery things in summer and christmassy things at Christmas.
Interviewer
Where's the fun in that?
ALVINA
I like routine, what can I say?
INTERVIEWER
Bah, you need to give that stubborn routine of yours a good shake! Just Shake shake shake! SHake it up like a snow globe! Shake those habits up in the air and let them settle in new and unexpected places. Christmas dinner in July and Aperol Spritz in December! Reindeer rides on the beach and Easter egg hunts in the snow! Outdoor swimming is so much more bracing in December, and trick or treating is heaps more fun in April when no one expects a skeleton to come knocking at the door!
ALVINA
(LAUGHS)
Sometimes I can't fault your logic.
INTERVIEWER
So, you'll join me for Christmas pudding and "Love Actually" tonight?
(THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN AND AMELIA COMES IN)
INTERVIEWER
Amelia? Weren't you supposed to be at that drama school graduation showcase to find a Timothée Chalamet lookalike?
AMELIA
Something's come up. How fast can you be at Heathrow?
INTERVIEWER
Ooh, where am I flying to?
AMELIA
Argentina. The plane leaves in one hour, you meet Valentina Suarez at base camp Plaza de Mulas tomorrow morning. She will provide you with ropes, axes and pins so you can climb Aconcagua. Our client is waiting at the top.
INTERVIEWER
Can- can’'t they come here?
AMELIA
No.
Interviewer
The flight is in one hour?
AMELIA
Correct. Joey and Salvatore are out somewhere with the van, so you'll need to hail a cab. Go go go!
Interviewer
I... haven't packed...
AMELIA
I've taken care of it. The suitcase is in the hall with t-shirts, bermudas and sun sceen.
Alvina
Uh... Amelia?
AMELIA
Yes?
Alvina
Where did you say he's going?
AMELIA
Argentina.
ALVINA
Yes but... Aconcagua? That's the Andes right? The highest mountain in South America I think?
AMELIA
As I said, Valentina will provide ropes, axes and pins.
ALVINA
And snow boots and thermal wear?
AMELIA
Ah.
ALVINA
I don't think bermudas are going to cut it.
AMELIA
Of course. Sorry. The upstairs office doesn't have any ventilation and my brain is fried. This request came in literally fifteen minutes ago and I just thought: Argentina - Sun! Argh. How could I be so dumb.
ALVINA
Well actually... Don't worry Amelia! Boots and thermal wear in snowy climes are so … boring.
INterviewer
Uh...?
Alvina
I'm sure Mr Maverick over here is more than happy to switch things up a little, no?
Interviewer
I'm going to freeze!
ALVINA
Oh - It'll be "bracing"!
Interviewer
But -
Alvina
(LAUGHING)
Aren't you excited? You wanted snow didn't you? Now you're going to get lots of it. Lots and lots and lots and lots of it!
Interviewer
But -
ALVINA
(REALLY ENJOYING HERSELF)
And the lack of snow gear will make it more fun! Didn't you just tell me to go against what's orthodox? You should embrace this!
Interviewer
shivers at the thought
ALVINA
Is it the bermudas he got from Kozlowski? The ones with the cocoa mug pattern?
AMELIA
Yes.
ALVINA
Make sure you send me a picture of yourself in those shorts when you're scaling Aconcagua. Good luck!
Interviewer
I... I...
AMELIA
Of you go! You'll miss the plane!
INTERVIEWER
(HEADING OUT OF THE DOOR)
I'm on my way...
ALVINA
I'll watch Love Actually with you when you return. Promise!
AMELIA
What have I missed?
Interviewer
Bye!
ALVINA
Bye!
AMELIA
Bye!
(THE INTERVIEWER LEAVES)
AMELIA
Will you call Valentina and ask her to get him some thermal-wear?
Alvina
Oh I suppose.
BEAT.
Hey, you still on for ice cream tonight?
AMELIA
I wish. I'm melting! But I still have a stack of death certificates as long as my arm to check through. How about we do evening cocktails instead?
Alvina
Sounds good.
AMELIA
The rooftop bar at the Savoy?
Alvina
It's a plan. And we can toast to our mountaineering friend.
AMELIA
(ON HER WAY OUT) See you at the Savoy.
(STOPS)
Uh, Alvina? Why does it smell of gingerbread in here?
(MUSIC - CHRISTMAS-Y)
PIP
It may be July, but here at Amelia HQ we're thinking ahead to Christmas, because we have a very special plan: The Amelia Project Audio Advent Calendar!
From the 1st to the 25th December, we want to release a new minisode every single day, to mark the run-up to Christmas.
The minisodes will provide insights into the daily operations of the death faking agency, as well as of course the Interviewer's (often somewhat unconventional) preparations for his favourite holiday.
Releasing a minisode every day for a month will be quite the challenge, so we are asking for your help.
As of today, we are launching an indiegogo crowdfunding campaign, which will run throughout the month of July, and if we hit our funding goal by the end of the month, we will produce the twenty five episodes of the audio advent calendar!
If we exceed the goal, we will use the additional funds to make a full length bonus episode, and to speed up the production on Season 5, which we are currently also working on.
So, if you would like to help us make a month of choc-a-bloc Amelia content, head over to Indiegogo and search for The Amelia Project Audio Advent Calendar and make a one off donation.
By making a donation you can choose some fun perks, like personalised artwork, a Christmas card, a cocoa stained script, or even a cameo on the show!
So, to take part in this campaign go to Indiegogo and search for The Amelia Project Audio Advent Calendar. We will also put the link in the shownotes to this episode, and you can find it on our website, ameliapodcast.com, too.
Every single contribution is really appreciated.
Thanks for listening, hope you're having a nice summer with steaming mugs of cocoa and gingerbread cookies.