JUMBO PEPSI

(SOUNDS OF A CAR, A VW BEETLE, BURPING FROM SALVATORE)

ALVINA

What did you think?

INTERVIEWER

Well, it wasn't The Maltese Falcon. They just don't make them like that anymore do they? Is there any popcorn left?

ALVINA

No, but there are some Frooti Tootis in the glove compartment. And you better finish off that Jumbo Pepsi.

(SLURP OF PEPSI, THE INTERVIEWER RUMMAGES THROUGH THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT UNTIL HE FINDS THE SWEETS AND OPENS THEM)

INTERVIEWER:

(MUNCHING SWEETS) These modern so called "celebrities" (NOW TALKS WITH SWEETS IN HIS MOUTH) they just lack... class. They're impostors. Even their names sound made up. Charlize Teflone. Holy Berry. Ryan Goosling. (CHUCKLES) Ha! Ridiculous.

ALVINA

(ACTUALLY LAUGHS) I'm surprised you know even that much about contemporary culture.

INTERVIEWER

Hm. Joey briefed me.

ALVINA

Ah. That explains the names. Obviously got lost in... (STILL LAUGHING) ehm... translation.

INTERVIEWER:

(SIGHS) Cary Grant. Audrey Hepburn. Grace Kelly. Humphrey Bogart. Those were real stars!

ALVINA

(SMACKS HER LIPS) I know all your favorite actors are dead and gone but-

INTERVIEWER

Humphrey isn't dead! I called him yesterday. By the way he needs a new-

ALVINA

I don't want to talk about work! Not now! (SIGHS AS SHE SPEAKS) This is my evening off. I want to talk about the film! What did you think, Joey?

(A LOUD SNORE IN THE BACK, ALVINA AUDIBLY ROLLS HER EYES)

Salvatore?

(A BURP, ALVINA SIGHS)

INTERVIEWER

I don't know. I just thought it was... you know... a bit... silly?

ALVINA

Well, I liked the way it embraced its inherent absurdity and thought the straight faced delivery gave it a potent resonance, both in subverting the tropes of slapstick cinema and in laying bare clichéd beliefs about the gulf between the sexes. Having said that, I did think the supernatural suggestion of shared dreams and the melodramatic reunion between the two main characters at the end was a bit cheesy. (IN AWE) But I LOVED the lavish labyrinth of suburban Americana and paganistic paraphernalia. The austere framing kind of made me think of Albanian communist era cinema. Oh, and the interest in old testament emotions and and regal medievalism really reminded me of Orson Welles.

INTERVIEWER

(DISBELIEVING) You saw all that in Pitch Perfect 3?

ALVINA

Ugh! Next time I'm going on my own.

INTERVIEWER

(QUICKLY) No! You can't do that! I like the popcorn! And the Pepsi.

ALVINA

(UPSET) It's against the code! (GIVES UP)Oh, it's useless trying to talk cinema with you.

(SHE SWITCHES ON THE RADIO, FAINT MUSIC, STATIC WHILE IT SEARCHES FOR A STATION, IT CAN BE HEARD THROUGH THE CONVERSATION)

INTERVIEWER

I quite liked that last one.

ALVINA

Thelma and Louise?

INTERVIEWER

Yes!

ALVINA

That was ages ago! I bet you don't remember the first thing about it.

INTERVIEWER:

Yes I do!

ALVINA:

Ok, who directed it?

INTERVIEWER

Ridley Snot. No, Richard Spock. No Ridiculous Scott. No-

ALVINA

Shhhhhhhh!

INTERVIEWER

What.

ALVINA

I want to hear this!

(THE RADIO GETS TURNED UP AND GETS LOUDER)

NEWSREADER

(ONLY IN THE BACKGROUND) ...the strike is organized by a movement known as the Armadillo Anarchists and is expected to last another three days. Parliament Green remains cordoned off to the public.

(NOW AUDIBLE) The two women who broke into Buckingham Palace earlier today have been identified as Tara Brook and Lily Abbot from Bexleyheath. The two women posed as guards and entered the palace without detection, but were caught in a tourist's photograph as they left the grounds via the palace's outer perimeter wall. Police are asking anyone with information on Tara Brook and Lily Abbot to step forward. A spokesman from the palace has confirmed that it still remains unclear what has been stolen.

(RADIO IS SWITCHED OFF, CAR SPEEDS UP)

INTERVIEWER

(IMPRESSED) A break in at Buckingham Palace. My my.

ALVINA

We better get back to the office.

INTERVIEWER

What? Why? I thought we were going to The Laughing Buddha!

ALVINA

We'll get a takeaway. (DETERMINED) We have to be ready.

INTERVIEWER:

Ready?

ALVINA

(GETTING MORE DETERMINED) Prepare.

INTERVIEWER

I thought this was supposed to be your evening off!

ALVINA

I bet you a spring roll they'll be calling us.

INTERVIEWER

Who?

ALVINA

Tara and Lily!

(THE CAR IS GETTING FASTER)

INTERVIEWER

Slow down Alvina, you're going to get us killed!

ALVINA

It's been a while since we've had a decent criminal.

INTERVIEWER

(LAUGH) They do sound fun.

ALVINA

And they sound like they can pay.

(BEEPING STARTS UP)

ØYSTEIN

Tara and Lilly. Episode 11 of the Amelia Project. Season Finale. Coming soon.

(BEEPING FADES OUT)