Mark W wants to Die: Greater Boston visits the Amelia Project
INTRODUCTION
PIP
Hello dear Amelia listeners, something special today - a recording of our most recent liveshow performed at King’s place as part of the London Podcast Festival. This is an unusual episode. Not only is it recorded in front of a live audience, it’s a crossover episode with another podcast, the American Indie-Audio Drama Greater Boston.
Greater Boston is a real fixture in the audio drama scene, back when we were the New Kids on the Block, they were already a cult show.
So chances are you'll be familiar with it. But if not, you can check out Greater Boston on your podcatcher, or you can use this episode as an introduction.
In a nutshell, Greater Boston weaves a tapestry of funny, moving, satirical and socially aware stories set in an alternate and somewhat absurd version of Boston, Massachusetts. This episode features four iconic characters from the show, the roving reporter, Chuck Octagon, The Narrator and greater Boston's alternate versions of Mark Wahlberg and Matt Damon. We're delighted that the Greater Boston gang crossed the pond to join us for this special live event. It was an incredible experience to meet and perform with them, and you're about to hear what happens when our two podcasts collide. As always, we're heavily indebted to our patrons, after many years of making the Amelia project as a labour of love, it has finally also become a livelihood and we couldn't have done that without you. So if you're supporting us with a small contribution per episode, thank you so much for allowing us to tell stories. If you're not yet a patron, but would like to become one, you can go to Ameliapodcast.com and click on support the show. All we're asking for is a few dollars the price of a cup of cocoa when we release a new episode, and every contribution makes us really happy and makes a huge difference for our team.
For today's episode, we'd like to give a shoutout to Emre Cebi.
Thanks for your support, Emre. And now without further ado, let us take you to a packed auditorium at Kings place in London on the evening of the 10th of September 2023. Take your seats and let the show begin.
(“CHARLIE ON THE MTA” PLAYS. MUSIC FADES.)
NARRATOR—ALEXANDER DANNER
(BEHIND CURTAIN) oh! Hello there. Pardon me;I get distracted when I'm travelling. So much to see, so many people to keep track of. Allow me to introduce myself. My name… is The Narrator.
(PAUSE)
As for what I do? Oh, all the poor souls I keep track of in order to help tell their stories. And that’s what brings me on this little vacation from New England to Jolly Old. Oh, I’m from Boston. Greater Boston—that’s my home base. But a few of the rascals I keep an eye on have made the journey to a special place across the sea that offers a most unique service. The Amelia Project. Have you heard of it? Well, there’s a pain-in-the-caboose reporter who’s gone sniffing around on your side of the pond looking for it. A reporter with the improbable name of… Chuck Octagon. Here he comes right now.
(NEWS MUSIC STING.)
(CHUCK EMERGES FROM THE AUDIENCE WIELDING A LIVE MICROPHONE.)
CHUCK OCTAGON—JEFF VAN DREASON
Good evening! I’m Chuck Octagon, reporting LIVE for THE UNDERGROUND from Kings Place, London, where I suspect a secret organisation responsible for the disappearances of some of the world’s most elite and mysterious figures has set up their home base. I got a whisper in my ear from a little birdie that the AMELIA PROJECT is somewhere right around this location.
THE NARRATOR
I’m not a birdie, but that may have been my fault.
CHUCK OCTAGON
(OVERLAPPING SOMEWHAT) And I’m here to track them down.
BEAT.
Track. Verb. To follow the course or trail of someone or something, typically in order to find them or note their location at various points. And that’s exactly what I plan to do—use my news-sniffing nose to pinpoint the next path.
(CHUCK MOVES FURTHER INTO THE AUDIENCE.)
I have it on good authority that several people nearby have participated in what I hear is called “The Amelia Process”—that is, having life-altering surgery, faking your death, escaping your former life, and embracing your new one.
(PAUSE; CHUCK POINTS TO SOMEONE IN THE AUDIENCE.)
You there! You look incredibly guilty and horrendously suspicious. Have you been a client at the Amelia Project before, and if so, who did you used to be?
AUDIENCE MEMBER 1
Not yet.
CHUCK OCTAGON
Fair! When the time comes—and it will come—what do you plan to—who do you plan to be as you embrace your new life?
AUDIENCE MEMBER 1
Goat farmer in Peru.
CHUCK
That’s so peaceful. Good for you. You’re doing a net good for the world. Congratulations.
Hm. I’ve got to find somebody who knows how to get there. Let me see…
You. Have you ever been in the greater Boston area?
AUDIENCE PLANT 1—CAT HOWARD
Well, once. It was a bit traumatic. I, uh—some friends and I heard that there was an old theatre where some homeless people got kidnapped and turned into dust, and, uh, well, the Yellow King was summoned, and it was a terrible event. I prefer not to dwell too hard on it.
CHUCK
So, Tuesday, then. Right. Well. Nice to see you again. Getting closer… someone around here must know… let’s see… (ASIDE) that’s your line, Alexander.
ALEXANDER
That wasn’t the number we agreed upon.
JEFF
Three! We said three! (TO AUDIENCE) This is how we work, by the way.
ALEXANDER
A view into the process. (AS NARRATOR) That one.
CHUCK
You! Have you been part of The Amelia Process Before?
AUDIENCE PLANT 2—OLIVER MORRIS
I have, yes.
CHUCK
And who did you use to be?
AUDIENCE PLANT 2
I used to be half of- (MIC CUT) —Steely Dan? Walter, Walter Becker, (MIC CUT)—
CHUCK
They were just playing Steely Dan in the intermission there, yeah! You’re very famous!
AUDIENCE PLANT 2
Wah, uh, I’m fairly famous. I feel like Donald really got the limelight there.
CHUCK
Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you. Can you give me their number? I need their number.
AUDIENCE PLANT 2 (FAINTLY/OFF-MIC)
Oh yeah, yes, yeah. (READING NUMBERS.)
CHUCK
Those are numbers. Keep going. Alright, here we go. Zero two—this is exactly what you said—zero two zero two, three eight zero seven, three six three four three.
(PINGING.)
It’s ringing!
AMELIA (PRERECORDED)—JULIA MORIZAWA
Congratulations. You have reached The Amelia Project. If you’re not serious, please hang up.
CHUCK
Oh, I am very serious!
AMELIA (CON’T)
If you continue, there is no return. Good choice. There is a new life awaiting you. You’ll hear back from us. If you don’t hear back, please consider this a hoax. Leave your message after the beep.
CHUCK
This is Chuck Octagon, reporting live from Kings Place, London, and I’d like to embrace my new life, if I could? Um. Sorry, I just had to set my phone down, but I’m hoping to use your services very shortly, and I am most looking forward to it. I’m a local reporter, and maybe you could help me out, please?
(THE INTERVIEWER ENTERS AND SITS AT HIS DESK, CARRYING A CUP OF COCOA. HE SITS AND PRESSES A BUTTON ON THE INTERCOM.)
THE INTERVIEWER—ALAN BURGON
Now how did this one get an appointment? Let him in, Alvina!
(CHUCK ENTERS, CARRYING HIS OWN CUP OF COCOA.)
CHUCK
I’m Chuck Octagon, reporting live from your office with a late-breaking news story. This cocoa is the best I have ever tasted in my entire life.
BEAT.
Cocoa: noun. A chocolate powder made from roasted and ground cacao seeds. OR: a hot drink made from cocoa powder mixed with sugar and milk or water.
THE INTERVIEWER
Water? I won’t stand for that sort of blasphemy in my presence.
(THEY CHEER AND SIP.)
Ahh. Never gets old. Now, let’s get right down to business.
CHUCK
You said “never gets old”. That really is it, isn’t it?
THE INTERVIEWER
Pardon me?
CHUCK
I’m a journalist, uh—Mr.—?
THE INTERVIEWER
No.
CHUCK
Right. Well, I get to the bottom of stories, mysteries, threads left untangled. I’m very good at it, which is how I happened across your number.
THE INTERVIEWER
Impressive. Most people find us through referrals.
CHUCK
Yes, well like I always say, I have a news nose and it knows how to blow.
THE INTERVIEWER
How charming.
CHUCK
That’s right. I dot every I, cross every T, and always make sure to get every last detail. I’m sure you appreciate that, don’t you, Mr.—?
THE INTERVIEWER
No.
CHUCK
Right. The thing is, I started a news outfit a few years ago. The Underground. It’s a long story, and I won’t bore myself with the details.
THE INTERVIEWER
I detest boredom.
CHUCK
As do I.
THE INTERVIEWER
But I do love stories.
CHUCK
Well, this doesn’t have much to do with my need of your services, but long story short, a man was working for a psychic news magazine called ThirdSight Media. The publisher lived in a secret office on the top floor where he had dozens of security cameras, spying on his staff but also several people throughout the greater Boston area. His goal was ultimately to manipulate the politics of the new city of Red Line, which was one of the four main subway lines in Boston. Thanks to a state-wide referendum, it seceded from the greater Boston area and became its own independent municipality, with dwellings, businesses, public utilities, all within the trains and stations themselves. The publisher’s plan was to install a puppet mayor, manipulate events in such a fashion that he could report on them through his small psychic publishing empire, thus validating the hare-brained business to national markets. However, an employee named Tate discovered some elements of his evil plan thanks to his relationship with a ghost trapped in a crystal ball that the publisher was blackmailing for information. That man Tate was trapped inside his secret office, left for dead, and nearly starved to death until he was miraculously saved by the dead ball-ghost’s brother who had just come back from discovering Atlantis. This is true. While trapped in the office, this man Tate hacked into the publisher’s business expenses and paid himself and his former colleagues handsomely with the leftover funds, which is probably illegal, but given everything that was happening, no one seemed to notice. With those funds he created a new publishing enterprise with yours truly called THE UNDERGROUND, a journalistic chronicling of the comings and goings of Red Line, the very train city that started the whole thing in the first place and caused the publisher, y’know, that he tried to manipulate and all that stuff.
(PAUSE.)
THE INTERVIEWER
Well. How do you define boring, exactly?
CHUCK
Boring. Adjective. Not interesting. Tedious.
THE INTERVIEWER
Right. Uh, at some point, I may need to hear the longer version of all that.
CHUCK
There are four seasons available now on the podcast app of your choice.
(PAUSE FOR AUDIENCE LAUGHTER/APPLAUSE.)
THE INTERVIEWER
So, let me guess. You’re here because you’ve uncovered a dark secret in one of those train tunnels and you need to escape into a new life before facing the grisly consequences of your brave journalistic integrity.
CHUCK
No. I’m not here to escape. Why would I? My life is simply fabulous. I have a cracking good news team at my side and a handsome and supportive partner in my beloved husband, Andy Wood.
THE INTERVIEWER
Then what brings you to Amelia? It can’t just be the cocoa, good as it is.
CHUCK
I understand most of your clients come to you to disappear. But I require the opposite. I’d like to become even more visible.
THE INTERVIEWER
I may require more cocoa for this.
CHUCK
As on-air talent, I’m obsolete. Viewers prefer my younger counterparts. Michael Tate, Nichole Fonzerelli, even Louisa Alvarez rates better than me and she’s our photographer!
THE INTERVIEWER
Go on.
CHUCK
But I have a secret weapon, and that secret weapon is you. I want you to make a younger version of me, one that can thrive on camera for years to come, looking fresher and more newsworthy than ever before. I want eyeballs to orgasm when they see me on TV with tears that scream “now fuck me, now THAT’S a news man!”
THE INTERVIEWER
My, my. I may never twitch my eyes again.
BEAT.
Mr. Octagon —Chuck, if I may?
CHUCK
Please.
THE INTERVIEWER
There is a terrible price to never growing old.
(SNORTS, LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)
No, I can’t even lie successfully about that one. It’s wonderful, really, save the need for constantly keeping up with the latest pesky trends: iPods, iPads, and talking phones and walking vacuum cleaners and the like.
CHUCK
So you see where I’m coming from.
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh, yes. And I can see where you’re headed, too.
BEAT.
Allow me to tell you two simultaneous stories. One is about a man named Ricardo, born in Brazil about a century ago, outside of Rio de Janeiro, surrounded by poverty and steeped in utter destitution. At sixteen years old, he was given a choice to kill or be killed, and like any rational being, he answered accordingly. A hunting rifle in his lap, he found his target in his sights and pulled the trigger, forever silencing the life of a man he did not know. He told a friend he would never kill again. For his efforts, he was paid with his life, but his next projects brought cash. Killing soon became his profession, and although he would lay awake at night, his face numb from cold, dried tears, he adopted the personality of a professional. And like most professionals, he grew in his skills and techniques. He assessed the effectiveness of each assassination, timing himself, finding ways to make murder tidier, faster, more effective. He strove for continuous improvement in his destructive methods. He took on many personas; some called him the Sandman, a reincarnation of Julio Santana, the REAL Carlos the Jackal, o Fantasma. The Michael Jordan of murder. The GOAT of garroting. The anointed one of assassination. If you were a person of appropriate wealth and means and wanted someone dead, the cold, calculating killer Little Ricardo grew to become was who you dreamed of hiring if you could only afford it. No traces left behind. No traces back to you. Just a mystery and a stellar reputation.
(PAUSE.)
Now, do you hear that sound?
CHUCK
Sound? No, I’m afraid I—
THE INTERVIEWER
Shh, shh, shh. Listen. Listen carefully.
(SILENCE.)
CHUCK
I’m afraid I don’t hear anything.
THE INTERVIEWER
Little wings, flapping desperately to move a tiny, pathetic body, born of maggots from trash. It’s the sound of a fly. It flew in here when you walked in from the reception area. And it’s been buzzing around ever since. A fitting guest to accompany you. And do you know why that is?
CHUCK
I am sensing a metaphor.
THE INTERVIEWER
Quite right! You see, for coming to Amelia and requesting the great Dr. Kozlowski perform basic plastic surgery on your shoddy little news-anchor frame in order to give you a sheen of youthful vigour is as preposterous an idea as requesting Little Ricardo come to my office with a fly swatter and swat that poor little fly.
CHUCK
Nonsense. You are the best, are you not? And I want the best.
THE INTERVIEWER
We are the best. At making people disappear.
CHUCK
Yes. And your prices are exorbitantly expensive. However, if I only request half of your services, perhaps I can get a half-off discount?
THE INTERVIEWER
Mr. Octagon.
BEAT.
Chuck. I thank you so much for your story. for it is amusing, especially all that bit about train cities. I really will try to visit sometime. But as I informed you; Amelia is the best at making people disappear.
(INTENTIONALLY) I don't believe you want to disappear. Do you? Chuck?
CHUCK
(FINALLY CATCHING ON) how well do you know little Ricardo, exactly?
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh, he’s a client. And a friend. Do me a favour. Open the window on your way out. That fly needs some air. As do we all, no?
THE NARRATOR
Chuck thought about defining “graceful exit” on his way out, but decided the moment had passed. He whooshed himself away like a frightened little rabbit. And The Interviewer? Oh, he’s VERY excited to meet his next guest. A bit of a celebrity!
THE INTERVIEWER
Alvina. Is he here? NO, NO, don’t tell me! Please give him his cocoa. Top shelf. The Trinatario. Yes. The Trinatario! It is time! And let him in after he’s had a sip.
(PAUSE.)
Okay. Right. Ahem.
(FIXES HIMSELF, PRACTICES) good day, Sir. How do you find the cocoa?
(TO HIMSELF) Too proper? “How do you find?” Too british? Hmm.
THE NARRATOR
My goodness, you’d think we were waiting for Godot here. I’m less impressed because this little celebrity crush is under my employment. In fact, I hired him to be a spokesperson for dozens of Legion products. On top of that, he convinced a trial jury to decide an outcome in my favour by bribing them. So he’s a loyal little subordinate, even if his burgers taste as wooden as his acting. And he’s coming to the Amelia Project because Mark Wahlberg wants to die.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS.)
(MARK WAHLBERG ENTERS CARRYING COCOA. SIPS.)
THE INTERVIEWER
And?
MARK WAHLBERG—FELIX TRENCH
Conjunction.
THE INTERVIEWER
Excuse me?
MARK WAHLBERG
What? Question.
THE INTERVIEWER
I—what? No. The cocoa.
MARK WAHLBERG
Noun?
THE INTERVIEWER
No, the cocoa. How is the cocoa?
MARK WAHLBERG
Oh. It’s hot.
THE INTERVIEWER
Of course it’s hot. It’s hot cocoa. But how is it? How does it taste?
MARK WAHLBERG
It’s fine - it’s just cocoa (BRITISH ACCENT) Had one, had them all, you know?
THE INTERVIEWER
Had one… had—uhh. Yes, quite, well. That cocoa is hand-picked from rare blue-seeded Trinatario in specifically hard-to-reach rainforest areas of South America. You see, the rainfall is so intense people drown nearly instantly from trying to look up in the air to get their bearings. The pulp around the seeds is a specialised combination of sweet and sour, making it extremely rare and exquisitely delicious. Trinatario types were produced by hybridization of Criollo- and Forastero-type cacao varieties and combine the quality of Criollo with the productivity and disease resistance of Forastero. Seeds are large and rounded and typically light purple to purple and available year round. However! This cocoa came from the rare blue seeds. The extra rainfall sweetens the flavour and creates a more robust, rich texture.
MARK WAHLBERG
Look, Willy Wonka. I’m here to die, not talk chocolate.
THE INTERVIEWER
(CRUSHED) Why, of course. Why. Why, yes. Why, why, why… Why are you speaking in a British accent?
MARK WAHLBERG
Because I’m British.
THE INTERVIEWER
No you’re not. You were born in Boston, Massachusetts; troubled childhood, underwear model, musician, father of the Funky Bunch.
MARK WAHLBERG
That name no longer has any meaning to me.
THE INTERVIEWER
Funky… bunch?
Mark Wahlberg
A pack of back-stabbing rats is what they are. Do you know what they said about my role as Bobby Shatford?
THE INTERVIEWER
(PROUD OF HIMSELF) The Perfect Storm!
MARK WAHLBERG
They said my performance was inauthentic. They said my accent wasn’t working-class New England. They said I didn’t look like I could catch fish if I was hanging out with Christ and the disciples! They said the only boat I’ve been on is my private yacht, Fuck Peach 69. Well, that part is true, I guess.
THE INTERVIEWER
Why… did they say this?
MARK WAHLBERG
Some trash-mag article thought it would be amusing to have my filmography reviewed by the former Funky Bunch. I won’t repeat what they had to say about I Heart Huckabees.
THE INTERVIEWER
I take it they did not (MIMICKING MARK’S PRONUNCIATION) heart it. But still. The accent. Why the accent? Is it for a role?
MARK WAHLBERG
Isn’t everything for a role? Why the cocoa?
THE INTERVIEWER
We give all our guests cocoa. But for you, we picked the rarest blend. I’ve never even tried it myself. It’s not often we have a celebrity of your calibre at Amelia. Only the best for Captain Leo Davidson!
MARK WAHLBERG
… Who…?
THE INTERVIEWER
You know. Planet of the Apes?
MARK WAHLBERG
Oh. Right. I was in that.
THE INTERVIEWER
Yes! Superior remake to the original, if I do say.
MARK WAHLBERG
Even I don't even think that’s true. But in any event. The accent. I suppose a part of it is just trying to break down the idea of who Mark Wahlberg is. You know? Shake up the image. People think Mark Wahlberg, they think tough guy, Bostonian, Dorchester, musician, tremendous actor, handsome leading man, action star, sex appeal, Patriot, terrorism preventer, legal expert, PhD, surgeon.
THE INTERVIEWER
Are these all roles you’ve played?
MARK WAHLBERG
No. This is me.
THE INTERVIEWER
Ah.
MARK WAHLBERG
But there’s one thing they don’t think of. Which is British. But I’m going to change that. Word by word, Interview by interview. And just when the world adds “Great Britain” to the long list of adjectives associated with a Mr. Mark Wahlberg… I’ll die. And much like your empire conquered the known world, so it will be with Mark Wahlberg conquering accents. By dominating the most difficult accent of them all.
THE INTERVIEWER
Right. Well… there’s a lot there to unpack there, but suffice it to say you’ve come to Amelia to help with the dying part.
MARK WAHLBERG
Yeah. You will help me fake my own death. And the world will mourn Mark Wahlberg. Just like they’re mourning—
(PAUSE.)
THE INTERVIEWER
Go on.
VOICE OF MATT DAMON—ZACH VALENTI
Go on, Mark Wahlberg. Tell him. Tell him why you’re really doing this.
THE INTERVIEWER
Are you alright?
VOICE OF MATT DAMON
Do you remember when we were on the set of The Departed, Mark Wahlberg? (CREEPY MUSIC STARTS PLAYING) You had bullied me for years before that. Sending rattlesnakes to my front door concealed in a Dunkin’ Donuts bag, prank calling my girlfriend and telling her that if her fridge was running she better dump Matt Damon and then go catch it, writing fraudulent checks for millions to my favourite water charities just so they could bounce?
THE INTERVIEWER
Hello there. Where… where did you go?
VOICE OF MATT DAMON
But all of that was nothing compared to what you did on the set of The Departed, Mark Wahlberg. You openly mocked my best friend, Ben Affleck. Every. Single. Day. (MOCKING) “Oh, if he was such a good actor, he would be in this movie. Where is he, huh? Making Gigli 2?” You got the entire cast and crew to laugh at Ben Affleck. You got Alec Baldwin to laugh at Ben Affleck. You even got Martin Scorsese himself—the great master—to crack a smile when you said that Ben Affleck couldn’t act his way out of a paper bag if he was using the oil rigging gear he had with him in Armageddon.
THE INTERVIEWER
Mr… British… Wahlberg?
(MUSIC INTENSIFIES.)
VOICE OF MATT DAMON
And then it came time for you to kill me.
THE INTERVIEWER
(FAINTLY) Good Lord.
VOICE OF MATT DAMON
Kill my character, Staff Sergeant Colin Sullivan, at the end of The Departed. You claimed to have been looking forward to it ever since you read the script, boasting about it to Kraft Services. And just before Marty yelled “action”, I came up to you and told you one thing. “Look me right in the eyes when you pull the fake trigger.” But you, Mark Wahlberg, could not do it. You could not fire the gun. You could not allow Staff Sergeant Sean Dignam to kill Staff Sergeant Colin Sullivan out of revenge for Staff Sergeant Colin Sullivan murdering State Trooper William “Billy” Costigan, Jr. You couldn’t look me in the eyes. You asked Marty for a stunt double. Not for you. For me. But Marty refused. Marty wanted us both in the shot. So you begged. You got on your knees and begged him to send in… your STUNT DOUBLE! (LAUGHS EVILLY)
MARK WAHLBERG
Enough!
(MUSIC STOPS.)
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh. And you’re back. Hi there. You were about to tell me who they’re all mourning?
MARK WAHLBERG
(WITH COMPLETE DERISION) Matt. Damon.
THE NARRATOR
Right. For the uninitiated, poor departed Matt Damon sacrificed his life to save several lives, including his best friend, Ben Affleck, when an out-of-control Red Line car malfunctioned due to a cheese robot driver programmed with the memories of a ghost. I promise this makes sense?
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh, yes. So sad. I understand you ran into him shortly before his tragic accident?
MARK WAHLBERG
We fought on the very train he eventually sacrificed himself to save. Coward. If it were me I would have found a way to save the train AND live. But now everyone loves him. Just because he died. And now it’s MY turn. I will die, and the world will mourn ME. There will be a movie made about MY heroic sacrifice, and it will be far better.
THE INTERVIEWER
Ah. I see. And have you thought about who you’d like to come back as? Someone anonymous who can sit back and appreciate the accolades from afar?
MARK WAHLBERG
Matt. (SNIFFS.) Damon.
THE INTERVIEWER
Come again?
MARK WAHLBERG
I will come again. As Matt. Damon. And then I, as Matt Damon, will tell the world the TRUTH about Mark Wahlberg. Mark Wahlberg is the one who REALLY sacrificed himself, is the REAL transit hero (PRONOUNCED “EERO”), deserves the REAL movie about being a brave transit “eero”, and would never, ever send in his stunt double to kill Matt Damon in The Departed—that was all made-up lies, and the only reason Mark Wahlberg didn’t sue Matt Damon for libel was because Mark Wahlberg is better than that; Mark Wahlberg was a true gentleman, a scholar, a PhD, a surgeon, a working-class Bostonian, a Brit, an EVERYTHING! (CHOKING OUT THE WORDS) MARK! WAHLBERG! WAS! LIIIIFE!
(PAUSE AS HE CALMS DOWN.)
So, when can we get started?
THE INTERVIEWER
(SIGHS) Mr. Wahlberg. Can I tell you why I prefer your version of Planet of the Apes to the original? The original film ends with a discovery that the planet they have been on is Earth after all. There’s no release, no apparent victory, just the discovery of an ancient civilization of humans quickly followed by the discovery that the ancient civilization is the same as the human species on George Taylor’s version of Earth. The Statue of Liberty is destroyed. There’s nowhere to go.
(PAUSE.)
Your version ends with the hero winning a major victory against the apes. Captain Leo Davidson returns home to Earth. See, in this version, the planet of the apes he has crashed landed on is indeed a different planet entirely. And yet, after returning home, he is doomed to discover the same fate. Apes have taken over the Earth. He crash lands in Washington DC to find a ghastly visage has replaced the Lincoln Memorial. Ape Lincoln. A former ape adversary is now seated on the throne of the great emancipator.
MARK WAHLBERG
It doesn’t even make sense. I asked Timmy B to explain it and he couldn’t. He just felt like we needed to monkey around with some wacky twist.
THE INTERVIEWER
It doesn’t have to make sense. No, you see, the fact that it’s nonsensical hammers my point home even more. You can cheat death, battle an army of apes, fly back home in a spaceship, and still, there you are, in the same situation, or worse. Changing the circumstances does not allow you to escape what you’re dealing with. Not really.
MARK WAHLBERG
Is… is this one of those “metaphors” I’ve been hearing about?
THE INTERVIEWER
It is. You see, we specialise in people escaping here at Amelia. But from what you’ve told me, I’m not sure there’s any escape for you.
MARK WAHLBERG
Wherever I go. Damn dirty apes.
THE INTERVIEWER
Damn dirty Matt Damon. You see, if you come back as a man who is dead and specifically praise yourself, people will scrutinise. People are going to ask questions. There’ll be an investigation. Why was Mark Wwahlberg around for months between when, supposedly, Matt Damon died and discovering the truth that it was actually not Matt Damon, but Mark Wahlberg who died?
MARK WAHLBERG
But that’s not the truth.
THE INTERVIEWER
Precisely. If you think the people lionise Matt Damon, Transit Hero now? If you think you’re toiling in his… dare I say it… Departed shadow now? Imagine what that will be like if people find out that not only is Matt Damon dead, but that Mark Wahlberg stole his identity, stole his heroics, and is attempting to change the narrative around his death to improve his own self-image? You won’t be in the shadow anymore, Mark Wahlberg. You will be the shadow.
MARK WAHLBERG
That does sound kind of cool, though.
THE INTERVIEWER
No.
MARK WAHLBERG
But… but I have money.
THE INTERVIEWER
No.
MARK WAHLBERG
LOTS of money.
THE INTERVIEWER
No.
MARK WAHLBERG
Is this because I didn’t like your cocoa?
THE INTERVIEWER
No. I am a huge fan. I respect you so much. We’d love to work with you here at Amelia, but we can not allow you to come back as Matt Damon. Someone with less profile? Perhaps. But not him. Not now.
(PAUSE.)
MARK WAHLBERG
Did I mention I have LOTS of money?
THE INTERVIEWER
You did.
MARK WAHLBERG
Did I mention I’m Mark WAHLBERG?
THE INTERVIEWER
Indeed.
MARK WAHLBERG
And you’re saying… no?
THE INTERVIEWER
We are, I’m afraid. Let me show you to the door. Aha, I can take that cocoa off your hands now, if you’re all set with it.
MARK WAHLBERG
No.
(CHUGS COCOA MUG VEHEMENTLY. SIGHS. AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
THE INTERVIEWER
(FAINTLY) Save our dead.
MARK WAHLBERG
No-coa.
THE INTERVIEWER
Right.
(INTERVIEWER AND WAHLBERG EXIT.)
THE NARRATOR
And just like that, Mark Wahlberg’s dream performance is destroyed. Which is where I come in. You see, it’s my job to keep Mark Wahlberg happy, after all. And when he came crying to me, my ears perked up about all the possibilities. “The Amelia Project.” Such a potent mix of professional pride and moral ambiguity! So many possibilities in how their talents might be put to use. And they really are very good at what they do.
(THE NARRATOR STEPS FROM THE SHADOWS, TAKING OVER THE MICROPHONE PREVIOUSLY OCCUPIED BY THE INTERVIEWER. THE INTERVIEWER RETURNS, TAKING OVER THE MICROPHONE PREVIOUSLY USED BY CHUCK AND MARK.)
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh. Um. Hello.
THE NARRATOR
Ah, right on time, wonderful! I do appreciate punctuality.
THE INTERVIEWER
On time, yes, quite. Um. On time for what, exactly?
THE NARRATOR
Well, for our interview, of course! Isn’t that what you do here?
THE INTERVIEWER
It is. But I don’t recall having an interview on my schedule for this afternoon.
THE NARRATOR
Oh, I took the liberty of scheduling it myself.
THE INTERVIEWER
You’ve taken the liberty of occupying my desk as well.
THE NARRATOR
Yes, that’s true. I find there’s power that comes with the orientation of a desk. Faced toward a wall, it implies low status. A worker’s arrangement, allowing one’s superiors to peep in at any moment they like. Turn it around so that…
(AS ALEXANDER) … I lose my place in the script…
(AS THE NARRATOR) turn it around so that the occupant has full view of the office and its entrances, and suddenly, you’re in the seat of power.
THE INTERVIEWER
Well, given that particular way of seeing things… why have you not taken the seat itself?
THE NARRATOR
Oh, I don’t care for sitting.
THE INTERVIEWER
What… at all?
THE NARRATOR
Let’s just say I’m not properly jointed for it.
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh, I do apologise. Had I realised we were discussing a disability, I wouldn’t have pried so rudely.
THE NARRATOR
I didn’t say it was a disability. But I do appreciate your honesty: (MOCKING BRITISH ACCENT) “I wouldn’t have pried… so rudely.” We both know you still would have pried, if marginally more delicately. That’s the whole of what you’re about.
THE INTERVIEWER
Well, I wouldn’t say it’s the whole of what I’m about. There’s also my passion for the stage, my sparkling wit, and, of course, my deep and abiding love of cocoa…
THE NARRATOR
Yes, yes, every character needs some colour to round him out. A few quirks and details to serve as signature and shorthand.
Incidentally, I brought you a gift.
(HE HANDS THE INTERVIEWER A BOX OF CANDY.)
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh, an American candy, this should be a treat. “Whoppers!” Well, that sounds fun, doesn’t it? A nice round sound to it. They look rather similar to Malteasers, don’t they? (EATS ONE. AUDIENCE LAUGHS.) Hm, oh yes, that’s a chocolate shell, a malty centre. Very reminiscent of Malteasers. Hm. Yes, they taste rather exactly like what Malteasers would taste like if Malteasers tasted substantially less… good?
THE NARRATOR
Don’t they just?
THE INTERVIEWER
Why did you give me these?
THE NARRATOR
For my amusement. After a few minutes, the disappointment will slip your mind. Later, without even thinking about it, you will pop another into your mouth, only to feel that wave of disappointment once more. You won’t be able to help yourself. You’ll keep doing this over and over, until the whole box is empty. And it’ll make me smile every time.
(AWKWARD BEAT.)
THE INTERVIEWER
I fear our conversation has derailed somewhat.
THE NARRATOR
Ha! Yes, derailed. Very appropriate.
THE INTERVIEWER
Appropriate? What? The conversation getting derail… oh, no, you’re one of those Red Line people, aren’t you?
THE NARRATOR
In a manner of speaking, yes.
THE INTERVIEWER
Now look here! The Amelia Project is not some run-of-the-mill rhinoplasty, and we do not take on clients looking to stroke their vanity!
THE NARRATOR
I am quite well aware of what you do here, Arthur.
THE INTERVIEWER
I… what? (AUDIENCE GASPS AND “OOH”S.) I’m sorry… did you just call me “Arthur”?
THE NARRATOR
Of course. That’s your name. Well… one of them, anyway.
THE INTERVIEWER
How do you know my name?
THE NARRATOR
I know it because you know it.
THE INTERVIEWER
Well, pump me full of custard, dip me in chocolate, and call me a Boston cream donut! Who are you?
THE NARRATOR
Did I forget to introduce myself? Shame on me! It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Arthur. I’m… The Narrator.
THE INTERVIEWER
The—that’s not a name!
THE NARRATOR
Oh, that’s rich, coming from a protagonist consistently credited only as (MOCKING) “The Interviewer.”
THE INTERVIEWER
My line of work offers precious little opportunity to take credit at all, let alone to put my name to my accomplishments. Wait… “protagonist”?
THE NARRATOR
We’re in similar positions. A job title in place of a name. A role in life defined by an appellation. In both our cases, an innate compulsion to collect stories. And to tell them. And most crucially… to hear them.
THE INTERVIEWER
I rather suspect that we have very different motivations for doing so.
THE NARRATOR
Oh? Is The Amelia Project not in the business of making a profit? Did The Brotherhood of the Phoenix (THE INTERVIEWER GASPS) not charge for its services? Have you pivoted to charitable death-faking at some point in the recent past?
THE INTERVIEWER
Well, of course we need to make a profit, but that’s hardly our primary purpose. And yes, as it happens, we do take the occasional charitable case.
THE NARRATOR
When you’re not accepting diamond necklaces from the Queen of France. You’ve worked for dictators, criminals, and scoundrels of all sorts, when the price is right.
THE INTERVIEWER
Yes, yes, we take payment in exchange for our services. But if you’re aware of our participation in the French Revolution, then you must also know that Marie Antoinette’s own role was quite different from what history would have you believe. I should know—I wrote that history!
(KOZLOWSKI ENTERS.)
KOZLOWSKI—HEMI YEROHAM
Oh, you are with a client! I hope I am not interrupting, but the message you sent by pneumatic tube said you needed to speak with me right away. That was a delightful surprise! I did not know this office even had a pneumatic tube system!
THE INTERVIEWER
I don’t believe I sent a message.
THE NARRATOR
Yes, that was me. Mr. Kozlowski has a significant role to play in the arrangement I’m proposing, so I thought it best that he join us.
THE INTERVIEWER
This is “The Narrator.” He knows things because I know things, apparently.
THE NARRATOR
Not exclusively you, of course.
KOZLOWSKI
How fascinating! What sort of arrangement are we discussing?
THE NARRATOR
A real win-win for all of us.
THE INTERVIEWER
The last person to say “win-win” and actually mean it was Mary Parker Follett herself when she coined the term in her foundational works on reciprocal relationship management theory.
THE NARRATOR
Mm, yes, that one. A local to my neck of the woods, actually. Born in Quincy, Massachusetts. Not a client of yours, I don’t think?
THE INTERVIEWER
No, sadly, her death was quite genuine. I met her by way of one of your American presidents who consulted with her.
THE NARRATOR
Yes, of course. And how many of those have you done?
THE INTERVIEWER
American presidents? Three.
KOZLOWSKI
Well… I would say three and a half.
THE INTERVIEWER
True. But that’s much too complicated a story for just now. My point is, I suspect you’re more of a “power over” than a “power with” sort of thinker.
THE NARRATOR
I’ll admit, her ideas had a bit too much socialist flavor for my approach to business. But you might be surprised. Deep down in the substrata of my being, I’m as communist as it gets.
THE INTERVIEWER
Ooh, do tell.
THE NARRATOR
No.
THE INTERVIEWER
Well, it’s quite clear that you enjoy a certain parfum de mystère, but if you hope to have your death faked, I’m afraid you’ll simply have to cough up the goods.
THE NARRATOR
Oh, we won’t be faking my death. Should I ever feel a need to disappear… well, I would do that quite easily on my own.
KOZLOWSKI
Yes, I can see that you would.
THE NARRATOR
You can?
KOZLOWSKI
Yes! But do not worry—your secret is safe with me.
THE INTERVIEWER
Ooo, I do love a good secret!
KOZLOWSKI
Now, do not pry. We must respect our new friend’s confidence as much as we hope he will respect our own.
(THE NARRATOR ATTEMPTS TO ACCESS KOZLOWSKI’S THOUGHTS.)
(KOZLOWSKI GIGGLES.)
THE INTERVIEWER
Um. What are you doing?
KOZLOWSKI
(STILL GIGGLING) He is attempting to read my thoughts!
THE NARRATOR
(SHOCKED) You could tell?
KOZLOWSKI
I have encountered such powers before. You will find that my brain functions quite differently from most people’s. You will not be able to access my mind, I am afraid.
THE NARRATOR
(SIGHS.) Very well, let’s get to the crux of it, then. Surveillance. That’s what I’m offering. Legion, the corporation I representent, can give you access to the most invasive surveillance network the world has ever seen. A fully-integrated system of AI-driven personal assistant devices installed throughout the city of Red Line and the greater Boston area. A microphone in every home throughout the state of Massachusetts, and more than a little of Rhode Island.
Every time someone so much as mutters “I wish I could just disappear,” their Legion assistant will run an ad for The Amelia Project and even offer to dial the phone.
KOZLOWSKI
Oh my. With marketing like that, we would never miss a potential client. But I should think your other abilities could lead us to even more interesting clients.
THE NARRATOR
Oh my, yes. All the clients you could want. And all their stories.
THE INTERVIEWER
Stories?
THE NARRATOR
Well, I am the narrator, after all. That’s not a mere sobriquet. Choose anyone you like, and I’ll tell you their story as best they know it themselves.
THE INTERVIEWER
And what do you get out of this arrangement? What is the “win-win?”
THE NARRATOR
To begin with… we want Kozlowski working for us. Directly.
THE INTERVIEWER
Now see here! You can’t just come into my office expecting to poach my partner right in front of me!
THE NARRATOR
Consider the possibilities, Mr. Kozlowski. You are already the best there has ever been at what you do. But Legion can give you resources, information, and facilities like you have never dared imagine. Combining your skills with our technology could advance your craft light years beyond what anyone else on Earth is capable of conceiving.
KOZLOWSKI
That is… tempting.
THE INTERVIEWER
No! You wouldn’t!
THE NARRATOR
Second… we want the product of your services.
KOZLOWSKI
But our service is just that… a service! I do not know what product you could mean.
NARRATOR
Why… all those freshly laundered people, of course. I don’t need The Amelia Project to make Legion employees disappear. I need your clients to reappear… as Legion employees.
So much talent is wasted when you resurface a brilliant inventor as an amusement-park mechanic or whatever. Instead of sending these great minds off into meaningless lives… send them to us. Turn your inventors into Legion engineers. Turn your genius chemists into Legion pharmaceutical researchers. Keep doing what you do best—give the client their death. Then leave it to us to give them their new life. As part of Legion.
KOZLOWSKI
That would not interest very many of our clients. People fleeing their old lives do not often wish to continue the work that led them into trouble in the first place.
THE NARRATOR
That won’t be an issue. I’m certain we can change their minds.
THE INTERVIEWER
How so?
THE NARRATOR
Well, by, ah… literally changing their minds. That’s something we can do. Our work in phantasmimetic robotics has produced remarkable discoveries in the field of reprogramming people. This is where you come in, Mr. Kozlowski. You’re the best candidate to perform the neuro-adjustment procedure. And you could do it at the same time as you install the client’s new face! One-stop chopping! What could be better?
KOZLOWSKI
Reprogramming people? But that is monstrous!
THE NARRATOR
You already rewrite a person’s entire identity, their role in history, the face they show to the world. Isn’t this just the next logical step in your process?
THE INTERVIEWER
You don’t understand what we do here at all, do you?
KOZLOWSKI
When I change a person’s face, it is because they want a new face.
THE INTERVIEWER
You said yourself, I am dedicated to hearing our clients’ stories. Why do you think that is? It’s not merely for my amusement; it’s vital to the process! I plan a death—and a new life—that suits the person they are, not some other person whom I’m rewriting them to be.
KOZLOWSKI
Yes! What we do gives people choices. We offer them options, but they choose whether or not to take them. What you are proposing… that gives them no choice at all!
THE NARRATOR
You have spent all day saying “no” to clients. How many can you truly afford to turn down? And as affronted as you like to look, Arthur, I know that my offer of the secret stories of anyone you choose appeals to you. Ever since I first said it, the brightest thought running through your mind has been, (BRITISH ACCENT) “I could know all the stories. All of them!”
THE INTERVIEWER
Well, of course that’s tempting, but that doesn’t mean I want it. Would it even mean as much to hear someone’s story second-hand, rather than in their own voice and words?
THE NARRATOR
But Arthur… I can give it to you in their own words. I’m that good.
THE INTERVIEWER
But… but you would take Kozlowski…
KOZLOWSKI
Arthur! Do you truly think this Narrator can tempt me away from the work I have given many lifetimes to?
THE NARRATOR
There must be something you want…
KOZLOWSKI
(GIGGLES.) Stop! I told you, this will not work on me!
THE INTERVIEWER
If it’s true that you can read my mind, Mr. The Narrator, then I think you had best read what I’m thinking at you right now.
THE NARRATOR
Hm.
“The Interviewer stared daggers at this Narrator person, whose offer would render the work of The Amelia Project as tedious as it would contemptible. For The Interviewer, the most important thing about any client was whether their story was interesting. ‘No story will ever be interesting again if every story ends in a Legion laboratory,’ The Interviewer thought. ‘Why, if this Narrator has any decency at all, he would just go and…’”
Oh my. It gets rather rude after that.
THE INTERVIEWER
Indeed it does!
KOZLOWSKI
I think it is time that you should leave, Mr. Narrator.
THE NARRATOR
(BIG SIGH.) Fiiine! I suppose that’s that, then. I hope you’ll enjoy your continued financial struggles. I can show myself out.
(THE NARRATOR EXITS.)
THE INTERVIEWER
Well, what a repugnant fellow that was. So. Now that he’s gone… what is his secret?
KOZLOWSKI
Arthur, shame on you! You know I gave my word not to tell.
THE INTERVIEWER
Just a little hint.
KOZLOWSKI
Absolutely not!
THE INTERVIEWER
Well, this has certainly been a day of disappointments, hasn’t it?
(THE INTERVIEWER ABSENT-MINDEDLY EATS ONE OF THE WHOPPERS.)
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh, oh, that was still not a Malteaser!
THE NARRATOR (OFF-STAGE)
YESSSSS!
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS.)
CREDITS
Felix Trench
In order of appearance, tonight’s cast featured:
Alexander Danner as The Narrator
Jeff Van Dreason as Chuck Octagon
Julia Morizawa as Amelia
Alan Burgon as The Interviewer
Felix Trench as Mark Wahlberg
Zach Valenti as Matt Damon
And Hemi Yeroham as Kozlowski
With special thanks to Cat Howard and Oliver Morris.
Greater Boston is created by Alexander Danner and Jeff Van Dreason with help from T.H. Ponders, Bob Raymonda, and Jordan Stillman.
The Amelia Project is by Philip Thorne and Øystein Ulsberg Brager.
“Charlie on the MTA” is performed by Emily Peterson and Dirk Tiede.
The Amelia Project theme is by Frederick Baden.
Graphic design by Anders Pederson.