(MUSIC)
KOZLOWSKI'S LAB.
(CONCOCTIONS BUBBLING, EVERY SO OFTEN A SPARK OF ELECTRICITY. ALVINA ENTERS)
ALVINA
Hello? I'm here! Anyone here?
KOZLOWSKI
There you are!
ALVINA
(JUMPS) Oh - I didn't see you there. It's dark down here. Apart from -
KOZLOWSKI
The light focused on the operating table. I prefer to think that way - within just one bright spot of light.
ALVINA
I think I prefer - well, daylight! A window, you know?
KOZLOWSKI
Should I turn on more light for you?
ALVINA
Oh, no no, my eyes are adjusting.
KOZLOWSKI
And do you like what you see?
ALVINA
Ah… Your lab is very...!
KOZLOWSKI
Yes?
ALVINA
Very...!
KOZLOWSKI
…yes?
ALVINA
Certainly very... Eh... Why did you ask me to come down here?
KOZLOWSKI
Because it is time.
ALVINA
Now?
KOZLOWSKI
Now.
ALVINA
You mean right now?
KOZLOWSKI
We can wait no longer.
(PAUSE)
ALVINA
And we are talking about my operation?
KOZLOWSKI
Let us call it your rebirth.
ALVINA
It involves a scalpel. It's an operation.
KOZLOWSKI
A… cesarean section, then.
ALVINA
(WINCES) Well, I suppose the day had to come...
KOZLOWSKI
The day came and went many times already. I could have waited, but upstairs insisted. Considering our safety, your face has to change. Today.
ALVINA
Upstairs insisted... Okay. So, do you feel that you know me yet? Enough to create Alvina Wright?
KOZLOWSKI
No.
ALVINA
Oh. But all our talks over breakfast - ?
KOZLOWSKI
I have prepared a questionnaire.
ALVINA
Really?
KOZLOWSKI
It is very short. There are only three questions. But they will tell me all I need to know. Are you ready?
ALVINA
(BRACING HERSELF)
Prrfffff! Ask away.
KOZLOWSKI
Why did you choose the name "Alvina Wright"?
ALVINA
Well. I chose "Alvina". Amelia - I mean upstairs - chose "Wright". She said it was because I made the right decision -
KOZLOWSKI (INTERRUPTING)
No matter. Why did you choose Alvina?
ALVINA
The Lost Girl. By D.H. Lawrence.
KOZLOWSKI
D.H. Lawrence! I know it!
ALVINA
You do?
KOZLOWSKI
It is a wonderful piece of erotic fluff!
ALVINA
Well, eh -
KOZLOWSKI
(EXCLAIMS:) "We are Allaye!"
(LAUGHS)
ALVINA
Yes, well, it was my favorite novel growing up.
KOZLOWSKI
A clue!
ALVINA
I don't know. If I read it today, I'm sure I would find it hopelessly trite.
KOZLOWSKI
But as a young girl, you felt connected to Alvina, the 30 year old spinster who runs away with a theatre troupe in search of sexual liberation!
ALVINA
(EMBARRASSED) Well, I... I suppose thirteen year old me did. Yes.
KOZLOWSKI
And then you thought of Alvina Houghton when you were to choose a name for yourself, when you were about to run away with a death faking agency...
ALVINA
Yes, I did.
KOZLOWSKI
So thirteen year old you still exists; she is a part of you!
ALVINA
I suppose so -
KOZLOWSKI
Do you mind if I start getting my equipment ready?
ALVINA
No, go ahead.
(KOZLOWSKI STARTS ORGANIZING HIS TOOLS)
But - aren't we supposed to create a new identity? Why is thirteen year old me important? I am mostly embarrassed by what thirteen year old me got up to!
KOZLOWSKI
We cannot build a house without a foundation.
ALVINA
Right, but -
KOZLOWSKI
(SOUND OF A BIG KNIFE BEING PULLED OUT) Moving on!
ALVINA
Right. God, that's a large knife!
KOZLOWSKI
Never mind. Question number two: When Alvina Wright enters a room, how do people react?
ALVINA
(CHUCKLES) I'm sure they go "Here she is again, the one with the paperwork..."
KOZLOWSKI
Is that your desired effect?
ALVINA
No. I'd like to... make people understand that what I do is important.
KOZLOWSKI
A commanding presence?
ALVINA
Not commanding as such... But one which invites respect. A presence that says "she knows what she's doing"!
KOZLOWSKI
That's it?
ALVINA
I don't know, I find these questions very hard to answer! Can we do this tomorrow? If you give me the last question, then I can sleep on it and-
KOZLOWSKI
"And Alvina went on unmaking her mind"...
ALVINA
I - heh - right. From Lost Girl.
KOZLOWSKI
You want people to think "she knows what she's doing"! But when it comes to your own appearance... you don't seem to know at all what you are doing!
ALVINA
Now, listen here! Since I got here I have created a new system where we make client reports before the interview that fold into the case file afterwards when the disappearance is logged! I have streamlined your passport-production, I have worked out a safe method of procuring corpses from Walter and I've started re-organizing the archive! I am someone who knows what she's doing! I just... don't like the thought of you cutting my face off.
KOZLOWSKI
Oh, but Alvina! Vina! Allay! Relax! I am not going to cut off your face!
ALVINA
You are not?
KOZLOWSKI
No, no, it will still be there. All of it.
ALVINA
All of it?
KOZLOWSKI
All of it! Only... not exactly in the same position.
ALVINA
Aww, you're not making it any better!
KOZLOWSKI
Ugh... Have you ever heard of the St. Ives problem?
ALVINA
Uh… No?
KOZLOWSKI
"As I was going to St. Ives,
I met a man with seven wives.
Every wife had seven sacks,
every sack had seven cats,
every cat had seven kitts.
Kitts, cats, sacks, wives,
how many were going to St. Ives?"
ALVINA
Oh, I have heard it! It's a nursery rhyme!
KOZLOWSKI
And a riddle. Can you solve it?
ALVINA
Oh - uh -
KOZLOWSKI
"As I was going to St. Ives,
I met a man with seven wives.
Every wife had seven sacks,
every sack had seven cats,
every cat had seven kitts.
Kitts, cats, sacks, wives,
how many were going to St. Ives?"
ALVINA
Phew, that is a lot. So that's seven times... well there are wives, sacks, cats, kitts, that's four, plus the man -
KOZLOWSKI
Mhm.
ALVINA
Which makes seven times seven times - wait a minute!
KOZLOWSKI
Yes?
ALVINA
Repeat the first line.
KOZLOWSKI
"As I was going to St. Ives - "
ALVINA (INTERRUPTS)
One! Only the person speaking is going to St. Ives, the man and the wives and the cats are clearly all coming from St. Ives!
KOZLOWSKI
Well done!
ALVINA
Thanks! But what's this got to do with my face?
KOZLOWSKI
You have found one correct solution.
ALVINA
Yes, I have solved the riddle.
KOZLOWSKI
You solved it one way... How many people are going to St. Ives?
ALVINA
One. The person speaking.
KOZLOWSKI
Sure, but how do you know this is the only person going to St. Ives? Is the speaker alone? The rhyme doesn't say. If the speaker is traveling along a road, surely there will be other people going the same way? The rhyme does not say. Perhaps it is two, or three, or four, or a hundred!
ALVINA
Yes, but that's outside the context of the riddle!
KOZLOWSKI
True. The riddle does not give you all the information. It does not produce one correct answer, it produces many.
ALVINA
I suppose that's one way to look at it, I'd argue that -
KOZLOWSKI (OVERLAPPING)
And this is just like your face!
ALVINA
What?
KOZLOWSKI
Look in the mirror! Go on, look!
(KOZLOWSKI HOLDS UP A HAND MIRROR)
ALVINA
I am looking.
KOZLOWSKI
Right now you are looking at 1! But the same face has other possible variations, just as true and correct. Your face could be 2 or 3 or 4 or 100, and still be the number of people going to St. Ives!
He puts the mirror down again.
ALVINA
Ehm - right... I am struggling to get my head around this. Will I recognize myself when I look in the mirror after the operation?
KOZLOWSKI
You will recognize Alvina Wright. If that is you, then yes.
ALVINA
I think I am her. I think that is me, I mean.
KOZLOWSKI
You think you are you.
ALVINA
I am me.
KOZLOWSKI
And who is that?
ALVINA
Could I have a glass of water?
KOZLOWSKI
Certainly.
(Kozlowski draws a glass of water, Alvina drinks it)
ALVINA
What is the third question?
KOZLOWSKI
Dark brown or light brown?
ALVINA
What?
KOZLOWSKI
Your eyes!
ALVINA
Oh. Light. I think.
KOZLOWSKI
Good. Good. Correct answer.
ALVINA
What do you mean 'correct answer'?
KOZLOWSKI
Smell this cloth.
(HE HANDS HER A CLOTH)
ALVINA
Why?
KOZLOWSKI
Do you think Alvina should smell like this?
(ALVINA SMELLS THE CLOTH)
ALVINA
Certainly not like this, no. Can you really change my smell? I don't know if I'll like that.
(GETTING DROWSY)
Would you operate on my sweat glands? Is that even possib - ?
(YAWNS)
Aw, wow, I suddenly feel very -
(SHE LOSES CONTROL OF HER BODY, BUT KOZLOWSKI KNOWS IT'S COMING AND CATCHES HER)
KOZLOWSKI
Over here, Alvina. That is right, up onto the table…
(KOZLOWSKI LIFTS ALVINA UP ONTO THE OPERATING TABLE)
ALVINA
(SLEEPY) But I’m not ready… I…
KOZLOWSKI
At this rate, you will never be.
(ALVINA SIGHS)
KOZLOWSKI
Today, I will take charge. Just rest here on my table. Tomorrow, Alvina Wright will arrive, to see and conquer...!
ALVINA
Veni, vidi…
(SHE GOES UNDER)
KOZLOWSKI
Allaye... I look forward to meeting you.
(THE ZING OF A SCALPEL BEING LIFTED)
(MUSIC)
END.