EPISODE 37 - MATEO
WARNING: EXPLICIT LANGUAGE.
PHILIP
Hello dear Amelia listeners, and excuse my hoarse voice, I’m coming down a bit of a cold, but we’re really excited to be sharing the next episode of the Amelia Project with you. This episode is dedicated to our Patron Amelie Harris, thank you so so much for your support, Amelie, and in fact, Amelie is also one of the winners of last week’s Patreon-Caption-Competition! If you don’t know what I’m referring to; we dug up some old rehearsal photos of the Interviewer and Alvina in costume in various poses, and we asked our patrons to come up with captions for each one. The responses were absolutely hilarious, and we announced the winners during last weekend’s cocoa corner video livestream. During that livestream, we also did a live-performance of a sketch with Alvina, the Interviewer, and Mateo and we’ll be posting a fully produced audio-version of that sketch on the Patreon feed next week. But right now, it’s time to start the show. Hope you enjoy!
PROLOGUE
(AN EMPTY BUILDING IN THE PANARAGUAN DESERT)
PEREZ
(DEFIANTLY SINGING “EL ASCENSO DE LA JUSTICIA” IN A DEEP VOICE)
(MATEO TIES A GAG IN PEREZ’ MOUTH)
MATEO
There! There we go! Now try singing with this gag in your mouth!
Perez
(MAKING UNINTELLIGIBLE SOUNDS THROUGH THE MOUTH GAG, SWEARING, TRYING TO SING, THEN GIVING UP WITH A FRUSTRATED SOUND)
MATEO
(LAUGHS) Hehe. Finally! I can think again!
(A CRASH WHEN AMELIA KICKS OPEN THE DOOR AND STORMS IN)
Amelia
Huh - argh!
Mateo
Christ! What the - !
AMELIA
Shut up! And release that man!
MATEO
(COMPLETELY SURPRISED) Amelia?! Uh, uh... Hi! Hello! (NERVOUS LAUGH) What are you, uh…
AMELIA
Weren’t you expecting me?
MATEO (GATHERS HIMSELF)
Oooh, on the contrary! But it's an absolute pleasure to see you... here. (SMACKS LIPS) I see you’ve cut your spa treatment a little short.
AMELIA
Spa treatment?
MATEO
Isn’t the Smart Coffin (patent pending) almost like one of those delightful sensory deprivation tanks?
AMELIA
(SARCASTIC) Yes, it was mind-numbingly deprived.
MATEO
Well, I’m glad to see you up and about. What can I do for you?
AMELIA
Cut the smile, you lizard, I’m here to free that man.
MATEO
(LAUGH) You are?
AMELIA
Yes.
MATEO
How? You do notice the bulge in my pocket, right? I mean, I'm happy to see you, I'm just, I’m not that happy to see you...
AMELIA
If being happy to see me causes a bulge in your jacket pocket, I think you should see a doctor.
MATEO
Yeah, it’s a gun! I have a gun, goddamnit!
AMELIA
Then why don’t you show it? Is it because it is made out of three fingers and a rubber band?
MATEO
Okay, here!
(MATEO PULLS OUT HIS GUN FROM THE POCKET)
Look. See? Made out of steel! A real gun.
AMELIA
Oh, wow, that is a... very small gun.
MATEO
Well, it’s not the size that matters. Is it?
AMELIA
Are you sure? I- I think it might be the smallest gun I’ve ever seen.
MATEO
It’s perfectly adequate!
AMELIA
Really?
MATEO
I assure you, this gun gets the job done. I, I, I didn't mean to rhyme but that is the way it came out.
AMELIA
It is kind of impressive... how your hands are so small, it just fits you perfectly.
MATEO
Alright, shut up!
(MATEO FIRES A SHOT. HE HITS A LAMP IN THE CEILING WHICH SHATTERS)
AMELIA
Now what did you do that for?
MATEO
You’re still not scared?!
AMELIA
No…?
MATEO
Oh!
AMELIA
Now let my friend go, will you? You have no use for him. You want Kozlowski, and he isn’t here.
MATEO
Until I get Kozlowski, I would like to keep a retainer.
AMELIA
You have no idea what you’ve gotten yourself into, do you?
MATEO
Sorry?
AMELIA
Do you have any idea who this man is?
MATEO
I don't know... Some messed up ear-less mariachi?
AMELIA
Look at your phone.
MATEO
Why?
AMELIA
The news. Check the news.
MATEO
Okay... Let me just...
(APPARENTLY TRYING TO PULL HIS PHONE OUT)
This is frickin’ hard with one hand... Hey, don’t move! Or I will shoot again!
AMELIA
I’m not moving.
MATEO
Okay, news... Panaragua... Oh. Oh boy.
AMELIA
Hmhmm…
MATEO
(REALIZING, IMPRESSED) This guy is kind of a big deal.
AMELIA
He’s the next president of Panaragua.
MATEO
Great!
AMELIA
Great?
MATEO
Yeah, that’s wonderful!
AMELIA
How is that a good thing for you?
MATEO
Now I have even more bargaining power! God, why on earth did did- you even tell me that? (LAUGHS) You are an idiot aren’t you? I mean, I-I- I was already wondering how you kept that sort of, you know, backwards death faking business of yours afloat, but now...! (LAUGHS) I mean, that's a miracle!
AMELIA
Mateo. You have just unwittingly faked the death of the leader of the Panaraguan Pythons, one of the most successful paramilitary groups in the world. Doesn’t that strike you as a tad... risky?
MATEO
No. No. Not at all. Look, I don’t know about (MOCKING) The Amelia Project, (NORMAL AGAIN) but at The Incognito Project we’re used to dealing with celebrities.
AMELIA
(DOUBTFUL) Whom you’ve accidentally kidnapped?
MATEO
Yeah, ah, yes, OK, very funny, that, yes, that too.
AMELIA
Why am I not surprised...
MATEO
Okay, well, Gerard Butler and Clive Owen look almost identical! And in our defense we did let Gerard Butler go! But did anyone miss him?
AMELIA
Anyhow, what I was trying to say was -
MATEO
What? Spit it out!
AMELIA
You’re in trouble
(MATEO STARTS LAUGHING. HE LAUGHS REALLY HARD FOR A VERY LONG TIME. AMELIA IS AT FIRST SURPRISED, THEN ANNOYED, AS MATEO KEEPS ON LAUGHING AND SNORTING)
AMELIA
Okay… (CLEARS THROAT)
Okay, I'm glad you find this funny
(HE KEEPS LAUGHING)
AMELIA
Oh, are you done - oh, yeah, okay
(HE NEARLY CALMS DOWN FOR A MOMENT, THEN LAUGHS EVEN MORE)
AMELIA
Well at least one of us is having fun
MATEO (HE COMPOSES HIMSELF)
Sorry, I’m sorry, I'm sorry. I thought you said that I am in trouble.
AMELIA
You are.
MATEO
(STRUGGLING TO NOT START LAUGHING AGAIN) Sure. I'll bite. How am I in trouble?
AMELIA
We’ve told the rebels.
MATEO
You told who... what, what are you, what is it, what are you talking about?
AMELIA
We’ve told the Panaraguan Pythons that mere hours before they were about to win a civil war that’s been raging for decades, The Incognito Project went ahead and kidnapped their leader.
MATEO
But, but, wait, how did you...?
AMELIA
You thought I climbed out of that coffin without releasing my friends?
MATEO
Well, ah -
AMELIA
As we’ve been talking, Alvina and Savannah have gone to tell the rebels where we are. Right now there is an army of highly trained guerrilla soldiers on their way here, and they are pumped up, impatient and bloodthirsty.
When they get here, they’re not just gonna want to set Perez free. No. They’re gonna be pissed off that their whole operation has been jeopardized. They’re gonna be angry that you gave the palace more time to prepare for the final attack.
(MATEO MAKES A SMALL SOUND OF PROTEST BUT AMELIA IGNORES HIM)
That you delayed the revolution. They’re gonna want revenge.
(PAUSE, BUT MATEO IS QUIET)
They are going to kill you, Mateo
(MATEO STILL DOESN’T SAY ANYTHING. IT’S SINKING IN)
What? Cat got your tongue?
(PAUSE)
MATEO
(SUDDENLY TERRIFIED) Eh... So... So what am I going to do?!
AMELIA
Well... I could consider...
MATEO
Yes?
AMELIA
Giving you an interview.
MATEO
What?!
AMELIA
Assess if you are Amelia material. If you are, I could help you fake your death.
MATEO
You... snake...!
AMELIA
You might have the gun, Mateo, but I have the upper hand.
(THE FIRST TUNES OF THE THEME TUNE SET IN)
MATEO
Fine. Interview me.
AMELIA
With the utmost pleasure.
Mateo, welcome to The Amelia Project.
(END OF PROLOGUE, THEME MUSIC SETS IN)
INTRO
The Amelia Project. Created by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager, with music and sound direction by Frederik Baden. Episode 37: Mateo
(BEEPS FADE OUT)
(THE INTERVIEW, IN THE EMPTY BUILDING IN THE PANARAGUAN DESERT)
AMELIA
Please. Have a seat.
MATEO
(DEFIANT) I prefer to stand.
AMELIA
And I prefer to just let my farts go, but I don’t do that in polite company, do I? Sit.
MATEO
You know, I think that I will sit down…
(CREAK OF THE CHAIR AS HE SITS)
AMELIA
Good. Now, why would you like to die?
MATEO
I don’t! D<(SCOFFS) ying is exactly what I’m trying to avoid here!
AMELIA
(ACTING THIS OUT) I see. Are you perhaps in a spot of trouble?
MATEO
Oh, OK, don't be cute. You know exactly what my problem is! Because you’re the one who put me in this situation!
AMELIA
Well, you did kind of put yourself in this situation, but let’s not split hairs. You see, what I’m wondering is if there isn’t another, more personal story lurking in the background...
MATEO
Well, oh, sure, I have a story for you. A bunch of trigger happy insurgents want to blow my head off! How much more personal do you want it?
AMELIA (USING ARMCHAIR PSYCHOLOGY TO BREAK HIM DOWN FURTHER)
But isn’t this whole situation just a manifestation of an inner struggle? Which you have conjured into existence in order to make your psychological pain more tangible?
MATEO
(CONSIDERING) Wow, that's eh... You know, when I was six and I... oh, oh, oh! (REALIZING WHAT SHE IS DOING) No, no, no, nice try, I save that for Dr. Rosenbloom on Tuesday mornings.
AMELIA (CON’T)
Aren’t you in fact your own insurgent, fighting an inner war against yourself, wanting to assassinate the pathetic excuse for a man you have become, to give space for a new Mateo, who can become a different kind of loser somewhere else?
MATEO
Can I be honest? I’m really not liking this interview at all.
AMELIA (CON’T)
When you’re done faking deaths, Mateo, what will you do instead? What’s your new life going to be like?
MATEO
I don’t know. The idea of faking my own death literally just occurred to me two minutes ago. So you'll forgive me if I don't have a plan!
AMELIA
I know there’s a spot going at a quinoa farm, would that work for you?
MATEO
Quinoa farm...? Screw you.
AMELIA
If not, at The Amelia Project we specialize in remote locations. Right now we have identity vacancies on Svalbard, Jan Mayen and the Falklands.
MATEO
(QUICK) No! Not the Falklands. Please. The Incognito Project specializes in South America. So I know a few too many people on the Falklands. And I'm terribly allergic to sheep.
AMELIA
Jan Mayen it is.
MATEO
(CAREFUL) Where is Jan Mayen?
AMELIA
Between Greenland and Russia.
MATEO
(QUICKLY) Sounds good. Sounds good. Not a place Panaraguan revolutionaries are probably gonna go on vacation.
AMELIA
Hardly.
MATEO
Would you say that it's a lively place? What's the bar scene like there?
AMELIA
The island has eighteen inhabitants, two bars and one kebab joint.
MATEO
(SURPRISED) Oh! (INTERESTED) Really?
AMELIA
No, it does not have a kebab joint. How would you like to disappear?
MATEO
I don’t know!
AMELIA
We’ve got to come up with something very quickly. Those angry rebels could storm through that door at any moment.
MATEO
Well, speed this up then! Just figure it out!
AMELIA
Oh, I don’t know yet.
MATEO
What don’t you know?
AMELIA
I don’t know if I’ll take on your case. You have to convince me.
MATEO
Mmm! Mhmmm... How?
AMELIA
Tell me something personal.
MATEO
Oh, you mean something... im- im-impressive?
AMELIA
No. Personal.
MATEO
What, like as in... incriminating?
AMELIA
Sure, if you want. Although I was thinking more along the lines of... embarrassing.
MATEO
Okay, so you want me to tell you something that's...
AMELIA
That will make you blush.
MATEO
Oh, you’re cruel.
AMELIA
I’m a monster.
MATEO
And what happens if I don’t do that?
AMELIA
Your life depends on it.
MATEO
(DEEP BREATH) Fine.
(SMACKS LIPS AFTER A PAUSE)
Before I joined The Incognito Project I worked at an office job. And- And one day, during lunch, I spilled coffee all the way down the front of my shirt. So I went to the bathroom to clean up and realized that I had put my shirt on backwards. And the shirt had ruffles down the front, so it was very obvious that my shirt had been on backwards all day in front of my coworkers.
AMELIA
Ruffles. Neat.
MATEO
So I turned the shirt, but then I had to explain to everybody why I had a huge coffee stain on my back.
AMELIA (SNIGGERS, SNORTS, THEN LAUGHS)
Oh, that’s good! And pathetic.
MATEO
(PROPERLY EMBARRASSED) So will you take on my case?
AMELIA
God, no. Why would I have someone as pathetic as that as a client?
MATEO
No, no, no, wait, wait, wait, but- but- but - !
AMELIA
Ah, relax. I'll take on your case anyway.
MATEO
(HOPEFUL) You will?
AMELIA
Yes. I won’t sit and watch an innocent man die - ah, let me rephrase - relatively innocent man die. I don’t know about (MOCKING, BUT MUCH MORE SUBTLE) The Incognito Project, but at The Amelia Project we have moral standards.
MATEO (SEETHING)
Ah, you...!
(RINGS FOR WORDS AND THEN GIVES UP)
You know what, it’s true! You're right! I am a relatively innocent man! And one day, when I get to that final interview, I’m gonna say to that eternal interviewer: “Don’t forget, St. Petey-boy, Mateo Harmony Glasscock-Shufflebottom was a relatively innocent man!”
AMELIA
(BARELY CONTAINED AMUSEMENT) Mateo Harmony Glasscock-Shufflebottom? That’s your name?
MATEO
(PROUD) I come from a long proud line of Classcock’s. (QUIETER) Let’s not talk about the Shufflebottom’s.
AMELIA
(EXCITED) See, now we’re talking! Someone with a name that silly, I’d take on their case any day!
MATEO
Okay… Hey…
AMELIA
Now, let’s find a suitable death for you.
MATEO
Much appreciated.
AMELIA
Luckily for you, I already have a plan, and you are going to love it.
MATEO
(SURPRISED) Do you mean it?
AMELIA
You are. You see that Smart Coffin over there?
MATEO
You mean the one that Che Guevara was in?
(SLOWLY AND IN THE BACKGROUND, THE SOUND OF SAND HITTING THE HOUSE IS RISING UP. IT ALMOST SOUNDS LIKE RAIN)
AMELIA
That’s right. We are going to transport you out of here in that. And you love those Smart Coffins, don’t you?
MATEO
Uh, I’ve already seen Friends twice - and all the van Damme movies. Do we have time to upload a new set of - ?
AMELIA
No.
MATEO
No, no, we don't.
AMELIA
No time.
MATEO
(GROANS)
AMELIA
Take off your shirt. Hurry up! They’re coming! I can see them out the window!
MATEO
(ALERT) What? Where?
AMELIA
You see that dust cloud in the distance? That’s the rebels approaching!
MATEO
Ah! Shit!
(MATEO TAKES OFF HIS SHIRT, FABRIC RUSTLES)
Shirt is off! Now what?
AMELIA
I’ll shoot a hole in it. Give me the gun.
MATEO
I’m- I’m- I’m not stupid! I’ll do it!
AMELIA
(URGENT, HURRYING HIM) Fine. Aim for the heart.
MATEO
Ah... Shame to ruin such a nice print like this though…
(MATEO SHOOTS THE SHIRT, THE CARTRIDGE CASE FALLS TO THE FLOOR)
AMELIA
Great. Now put it back on. As for blood... hm... Let’s go with rust!
(THE SOUND FROM OUTSIDE IS GETTING INCREASINGLY LOUDER, BUT IT’S STILL VERY MUCH IN THE BACKGROUND, ALTHOUGH COMING CLOSER…)
MATEO
Rust?
AMELIA
There’s nothing else around. This house is just a shell, and we’re in the middle of a desert, from the look of it.
MATEO
Still, rust is the best we can do?
AMELIA
The rebels will be too pumped up to notice the difference. Just rub your chest on that rusty window frame.
MATEO
(DISBELIEVING) You - I'm sor- you want me to - you want me to rub my chest on that r- but I haven't had a tetanus shot?
AMELIA
Just do it already! The dust cloud is getting closer!
MATEO
Damn it, fine.
(MATEO RUBS HIS CHEST ON A RUSTY WINDOW FRAME. IT MAKES A SILLY SQUEAKY NOISE)
There we go, like that. Ah, this hurts! Ooh! Ouch! This doesn't feel as good as you might think! Ooh! Ah! I am getting very little pleasure out of this! On a scale of one to five this is a three at best! Ah! This is the least sexy grinding I have done since - au! ah! - Mardi Gras 2004!
AMELIA
Well, when I got up this morning, I didn’t imagine I’d be watching a hairy man rub his chest against a window frame either, so…
MATEO
Ouch! Shit! I cut myself! On that latch! Oh, god, oh god, I’m bleeding! I’m bleeding a lot!
AMELIA
Huh. Who’d have thought such a pale man could be so full of blood?
MATEO
We need to stop the bleeding!
AMELIA
Absolutely not! This is perfect! Real blood looks a hell of a lot more like real blood than a rust stain does.
MATEO
But I’m gonna... mhmhm... bleed to death!
AMELIA
(HURRYING HIM EVEN MORE) No, you won’t. It’s just a scratch. Now get in the coffin!
MATEO
Okay, okay... Oh, ah, auey-auey-aouey it hurts!
(MATEO WINCES AND CLIMBS INTO THE COFFIN)
AMELIA
When the rebels storm in here, they’ll see your bloody corpse in the coffin and the bullet hole in your shirt. They’ll assume I wrestled the gun from you and shot you. Now all you have to do is give me the gun -
(THE NOISE FROM OUTSIDE IS REALLY PICKING UP NOW)
MATEO
First I want something from you!
AMELIA
What?!
MATEO
Huh! I don’t trust you! What if you don’t send me to Jan Mayen?
AMELIA
Listen! The rebels are here! If you don’t lie down and play dead, you’ll be dead!
MATEO
You could just bury this coffin and leave me for dead!
AMELIA
I would never do that!
MATEO
How do I know?
AMELIA
(SHOUTING)OH MY GOD, THE REBELS ARE HERE! THEY ARE HERE!
(AFTER SHE SAYS THIS, NOISES START UP DOWNSTAIRS. SCRATCHING OVER METAL, ALL TOGETHER WITH THE LOUD NOISE OF SAND)
MATEO
You have to give me something or I’ll shoot you! I’ll take you with me!
AMELIA
(STILL SHOUTING) I haven’t got anything to give you!
MATEO
Your goddamn surgeon! How do I find him?
AMELIA
I don’t freaking know! For all I know he’s in prison or even dead!
MATEO
Really? You don’t know?
AMELIA
No!
MATEO
Then I need something else!
(THE RACKET CONTINUES, GETTING CLOSER BY THE SECOND, A DOOR SLAMS OPEN AND THERE’S METAL CLANKING, AS IF A NUMBER OF BOOTS ARE RUNNING UP A METAL STAIRCASE)
AMELIA
Just give up! The rebels will burst through that door at any second!
MATEO
I want your answering machine!
AMELIA
What?
MATEO
Your answering machine! I want access to the Amelia Project answering machine!
AMELIA
You want to steal our clients?!
MATEO
Yes! It’s a remote service, isn’t it? Write down how to access it! Here, on my arm! Or I will shoot you!
(HE GETS OUT A PEN, CLICKS IT)
AMELIA
Shit! Shit, shit, shit...
(SHE TAKES THE PEN AND WRITES)
MATEO
Come on, come on, come on, come on...
AMELIA
I’m writing as fast as I can!
MATEO
(CHUCKLES) Ah! It tickles!
AMELIA
It was your idea!
(WRITES)
That’s it.
MATEO
Well, this better not be bullshit, or I will come find you.
AMELIA
Now, give me the gun! Or they won’t believe I shot you!
MATEO
Sure, I’ve just got to empty it first.
AMELIA
What -
(MATEO FIRES THE GUN FOUR TIMES)
God! Was that necessary?
MATEO
Now you can have the gun. And you better keep your word and send me to Jan Mayen, or so help me I will - !
(AMELIA TAKES THE GUN)
AMELIA
Shut up, or I’ll knock you over the head with this gun!
MATEO
Now don't even think about it!
AMELIA
Now lie down! BE DEAD!
MATEO
If I'm not in Jan Mayen when I open this beautiful hand crafted lid, I’m gonna -
(AMELIA KNOCKS HIM OVER THE HEAD WITH THE GUN. MATEO WINCES AND PASSES OUT, RIGHT AS THE DOOR IS KICKED OPEN AGAIN, THE COFFIN SLAMS SHUT, THIS TIME SAVANNAH AND ALVINA COMES RUNNING IN, SHOUTING THEIR LUNGS OUT. THEY ALL TALK OVER EACH OTHER AT FIRST)
Savannah (IN SPANISH)
Hands in the air! Down on the ground! Down!
Alvina (OVERLAPPING)
Amelia! Are you OK? Amelia! Amelia!
AMELIA (OVERLAPPING)
It’s OK! I’m OK! He’s knocked out! I knocked him out! Savannah! Alvina! It’s all good!
PEREZ
(SHOUTS FOR SAVANNAH BUT IS STILL GAGGED)
AMELIA
Now how do we close this casket up?
ALVINA
I found a hammer and some rusty nails downstairs.
AMELIA
Excellent.
(A HAMMER IS SET DOWN AND NAILS CLATTER ON THE WOOD. THEY HAMMER THE COFFIN SHUT WHILE SAVANNAH LETS PEREZ LOOSE, HE SPITS OUT HIS GAG. THE FOLLOWING IS ACCOMPANIED BY THE HAMMERING OF NAILS)
PEREZ
Thank you, Savannah. Amelia, Alvina. I’m so glad to see you all.
AMELIA
Aren’t you impressed by these two? Sounding like a whole army all by themselves! Ugh, I can’t believe Mateo really thought this sandstorm was the rebels approaching!
PEREZ
But - Savannah, why didn’t you just contact the Pythons?
SAVANNAH
I tried. My smart watch ran out of battery.
(AMELIA IS DONE NAILING THE COFFIN SHUT)
AMELIA
Our cellphones should be here somewhere.
SAVANNAH
I’ll find them
(SAVANNAH STARTS SEARCHING FOR THE PHONES. THE SANDSTORM IS STILL HEARABLE IN THE BACKGROUND)
ALVINA
What are we going to do with the guy with the ugly tie?
AMELIA
Mateo? I suggest we do what I promised. Send him to Jan Mayen.
ALVINA
Does he deserve that?
AMELIA
Have you ever been to Jan Mayen? It’s a barren rock with nothing but hungry polar bears.
ALVINA
Fair point.
SAVANNAH
I found the phones! Which one of the Pythons should I call? Enrique?
PEREZ
No, call Juan or El Rucio. Or Guilliermo. I would ask you to call Terencio. But bless him, his phone is forever in silent...
SAVANNAH
I’ll call Miguel, he’s more likely to pick up.
(SAVANNAH DIALS)
PEREZ
Hand me the phone, will you, Savannah?
SAVANNAH (IN SPANISH)
Here you go.
PEREZ
Miguel? Is that you?
(AT THE OTHER END, MIGUEL SHRIEKS LOUDLY AND THEN HANGS UP)
He hung up...? I’ll try again.
(PEREZ REDIALS)
Hello, Miguel, it’s me. Perez.
MIGUEL
(IN SPANISH, SHRIEKING EVEN LOUDER) Dear Jesus and Mary!!!
(THEN QUICKLY RECITING A SOUTH AMERICAN VERSION OF THE LORDS PRAYER, PEREZ TRIES TO DISRUPT HIM MULTIPLE TIMES BY SAYING HIS NAME, BUT HE JUST KEEPS GOING) God, who is in us here on earth, holy is your name in the hungry who share their bread -
(HE HANGS UP AGAIN)
PEREZ
(DISBELIEVING LAUGH) He hung up again. And he was reciting the Padre Nuestro.
ALVINA
Oh my God! Of course! (MENTALLY FACEPALMING) They think we’re dead!
SAVANNAH
Everyone thinks we’re dead!
PEREZ
Oh shit! This revolution is fucked! Nah, mierda!
(PAUSE)
ALVINA
You know, it doesn’t have to be.
PEREZ
What do you mean?
ALVINA
Amelia, do you remember H?
SAVANNAH
H?
ALVINA
It’s an old client.
SAVANNAH
Called “H”?
ALVINA
We don’t have time for that story now. Amelia - do you get what I’m saying?
AMELIA
Are you thinking...?
ALVINA
Yes!
AMELIA
Huh! That is genius! Alvina, you are a star! Perez - what is better than a living leader?
PEREZ
I don’t know?
AMELIA
One who has defied death.
SAVANNAH
What do you mean?
AMELIA (SHE SPEAKS SOFT, AS IF TELLING A STORY AT A CAMPFIRE, PULLING EVERYONE IN)
As we speak, your soldiers will have overtaken Monte Rosa. They’ll be surrounding Palacio de Santa María de la Purísima Salvat Romero. But they have just received the news of your death. They don’t know whether to go ahead without you, or not.
The sandstorm will have halted the fighting for a short while. In the meantime, your friends are holed up in their positions around Plaza de la Sangre Martirzada, mourning your passing. They will be tearing up from missing you, but they will pretend their eyes are just watering from the sandstorm.
But then... as the sandstorm resides... they notice something.
High up there, in the church tower of Iglesia de las Lagrimas Puras.
PEREZ
Que?
ALVINA (TAKES OVER, EQUALLY MAKING EVERYONE LISTENING)
They all see it. Your men. The palace guards. The people in the streets, the ones looking out of their windows. The media. The president will walk out onto his balcony to get a closer look, and he cannot believe his eyes!
AMELIA
It is a figure...
PEREZ
Is it a man?
AMELIA
It is.
PEREZ
Does he look familiar?
AMELIA
He does.
ALVINA
But it’s not a man! It’s a myth! It’s a legend! It’s someone they thought was dead, who has come back to finish a revolution!
AMELIA
It’s Pablo Perez Garcia!
(PAUSE IN WHICH WE ONLY HEAR THE LOUD SANDSTORM)
PEREZ
(CATCHING ON AND GETTING EXCITED) It’s me! It's me! Ha! I love it!
(IN SPANISH)I am immortal! Long live the revolution!
(IN ENGLISH)Long live the revolution!
(PEREZ AND SAVANNAH EMBRACE EACH OTHER DOING A LITTLE DANCE, PEREZ SINGS “EL ASCENSO DE LA JUSTICIA” WHILE AMELIA AND ALVINA TALK ON THE SIDE)
AMELIA
(SIGHS) Seems like divine resurrection is turning into a nice sideline for us.
ALVINA
Seems like it.
(SINGING FADES OUT. THE SANDSTORM FADES INTO THE SOUND OF A HELICOPTER AND A PHONE RINGING)
ANT
(ANNOYED) Your phone is ringing. Again.
JULIO
It’s not important.
ANT
It might be…?
JULIO
It’s not.
ANT
I don’t know how many people have your phone number -
JULIO
Almost no one.
ANT
(TRYING TO REASON BUT CLEARLY ON THE VERGE OF LOSING PATIENCE) So if someone is calling -
JULIO
It’s either one of my generals or the Kremlin.
ANT
Then it’s obviously important, isn’t it!
JULIO
Ah, we will land in a few minutes anyway.
ANT
Still!
JULIO
In 1972, we did not have mobile phones. And yet I managed to take over this country!
ANT
That’s hard to argue with...
(THE MOBILE STOPS RINGING)
And now it’s stopped ringing anyway, so…
(IT RINGS AGAIN AND ANT SIGHS GETTING INCREASINGLY MORE FRUSTRATED)
That’s the eleventh time it’s rung!
JULIO
Ah...
ANT
Eleventh!
JULIO
I don’t care.
ANT
(ANGRY) If you don’t take it I’ll release a giant hornet. Right here, inside the helicopter!
JULIO
(SURPRISED) Are you threatening me?
ANT(CONSIDERING HIS WORDS, THEN, AFTER A PAUSE)Yes! Yes, I’m threatening you! (LOSING PATIENCE) I can’t take that phone ringing any longer!
JULIO
(CHUCKLES, THEN CHUCKLES AGAIN, THEN LAUGHS OUT LOUD)
Insect man - you amuse me!
ANT
(SARCASTIC) I’m glad...
JULIO
I will pick up the phone. Because you made me laugh.
(THE MOBILE STOPS RINGING)
Oh. No, I missed it
(THE PHONE RINGS AGAIN)
ANT
(WITH EMPHASIS) GIANT! HORNET!
JULIO
Hah! You’re funny.
(HE PICKS UP)
Hello?
BORIS
It’s me. Thank God you’re picking up. I was getting worried.
JULIO
Boris! Why are you worrying? Are you my mother?
BORIS
I am in charge of looking after you. I guess you have heard.
JULIO
Yes! My enemy is dead! Our troubles are over!
BORIS
Well, that’s why I’m calling, I heard that you were on the way to the palace -
JULIO
In a few minutes you’ll see me on the TV! On the palace balcony!
BORIS
(DISAPPROVING) You really shouldn’t go to the palace. You shouldn’t go out on that balcony -
JULIO
I will be calming the people down, ensuring them everything is now back to normal.
BORIS
Please, please don’t do that.
JULIO
And why not?
BORIS
Please just wait. We have to take things slowly.
JULIO
(UPSET) I will take nothing slowly!
BORIS
Taking power right now would be disastrous!
JULIO
It will not! The people need their president.
BORIS
(DEEP SIGH) Listen. We have a plan. Our secret service will infiltrate the Pythons and cause an argument among the rebels. We’ll stop them from settling on a new leader. They’ll fight, create fractions. After a week or two of chaos, the people will be fed up, and they will welcome you back!
JULIO
(UPSET) They will welcome me back now!
BORIS
With all due respect, they will not!
JULIO
I do not take orders from you!
BORIS
(LOUDER TOO NOW) I’m not the one ordering you!
JULIO
I do not take orders from the Russian president!
BORIS
This doesn’t come from the president! It comes directly from Mikhail.
(A PAUSE IN WHICH WE ONLY HEAR THE HELICOPTER)
JULIO
(LISTENING UP) From Mikhail you say?
BORIS
Yes.
JULIO
(CALM) I’m... Listen, Boris, I'm not feeling this. My gut says no.
BORIS
(NOW IN CHARGE) Mikhail gave very clear orders.
JULIO
(BEGRUDGINGLY) Fine! I’ll wait.
Boris
(MUMBLES IN RUSSIAN AND THEN HANGS UP)
ANT
What just happened? What did he say?
JULIO
Pilot! Don’t land. Turn back. We’re not going to the palace.
ANT
Where are we going?
JULIO
I have a secret place in the hills.
(THE HELICOPTER FADES OUT AND THE SANDSTORM SETS IN AGAIN. WE CUT BACK TO THE HOUSE IN THE DESERT. PEREZ IS STILL SINGING IN THE BACKGROUND)
AMELIA
Alvina... I did something I’m unsure about...
ALVINA
What?
AMELIA
Mateo asked for the access details to our answer phone.
ALVINA
(DISBELIEVING) Did you give them to him?
AMELIA
At the time, he was pointing a gun at me. I could have written something fake, but I... I just couldn’t think...
ALVINA
It’s okay.
AMELIA
We could open the coffin again, rub it off his arm.
ALVINA
Let’s not waste time doing that. We’ll have to get a new answer phone anyway. We don’t want anyone to trace us via the old number.
AMELIA
You’re right.
(PAUSE)
He will steal some clients from us.
ALVINA
(HOPEFUL) Unless we … just blow up his coffin…?
AMELIA
Alvina...
ALVINA
I know, I know. Jan Mayen, was it?
AMELIA
Yeah. At least he didn’t get his hands on Kozlowski. That’s something to toast to, isn’t it?
AlVINA
It is.
AMELIA
That, plus the revolution going ahead after all. To that I raise an invisible glass of Veuve Clicquot!
AlVINA
To the revolution!
(PAUSE AS PEREZ’ SINGING STOPS)
AMELIA
I do hope he's safe...
(THE SANDSTORM FADES OUT AND INTO THE SOUND OF A MOVING CAR. WE’RE WITH THE AGENTS AGAIN)
HAINES
Okay, okay, let's try and think back and pinpoint where we lost him. We put him in a bin liner and hid him in a dumpster behind Morrisons, from there you retrieved him, put him into a suitcase and checked him into luggage storage at Saint Pancras. We lugged the suitcase over to the British Library and put him in a cleaning cupboard. You took him out of the cleaning cupboard and into the ladies lavatories. We put him in a wheelchair and rolled him over to the Royal Free Hospital where you, dressed as nurses, intercepted him. We followed you to Hyde Park where we thought you put him in a pedalo, but realized you'd actually shaken us off and were on your way to the Docklands...
MIA
(CONFUSED) Hang on. That wasn't us at the hospital.
COLE
The nurses? That wasn't-
HAINES
I could have sworn-
MIA
Nope.
JACKIE
Jesus Christ!
HAINES
So that's where we lost him! At the Royal Free! We have to go straight back.
MIA
Too late sweetie.
HAINES
What?
MIA
We've already been to the hospital and he's not there. We thought you tricked us by taking him in and then smuggling him straight back out again.
COLE
No!
HAINES
No!
MIA
Yes.
COLE
Okay, do you know what I think? I think we have to collaborate.
MIA
Huh, collaborate? Yeah, how's that gonna to work? We've lost the surgeon! That fricking zip bag could be anywhere in London. We don't have a single lead!
HAINES
(THROUGH DEEP SIGHING) Huh, well, uhm... We could… Uh… Despair...? Together?
MIA
Great plan. Really.
(APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS. TWO SETS OF HEELS)
MIA
Who... who's that?
KENNEDY
Are you done despairing yet?
MIA
Miss Kennedy!
JACKIE
Ma’am!
HAINES
Ma’am!
COLE
Northcott! How lovely to… see the two of you here! Together..,!?
HAINES
With the…
(A THUD AS SOMETHING IS DROPPED ON THE FLOOR)
MIA
Zip bag…?
JACKIE
You’ve got the surgeon…?
Northcott
(SCREAMING HIGH-PITCHED)YOU DOLTISH LUNKHEADS! YOU INANE NITWITS! HOW ON EARTH DO FOUR TOP TRAINED SECRET AGENTS MANAGE TO LOSE A CAPTURED CRIMINAL - CORRECTION - AN UNCONSCIOUS CAPTURED CRIMINAL!
Kennedy
Why…
MIA
Here it comes...
Kennedy
…did the four of you…
JACKIE
Hold your ears…
KENNEDY
(SCREAMING TOO) NOT FUCKING COOPERATE?! YOU HAVE ALL OF THE RESOURCES OF THE CIA AND MI5 COMBINED! BUT YOU CHOOSE TO INDULGE IN A PETTY SQUABBLE!
NORTHCOTT
YOU CLODPATES!
KENNEDY
YOU BLOCKHEADS!
NORTHCOTT
YOU DUNCES!
KENNEDY
YOU DODOS!
NORTHCOTT
YOU GOONS!
KENNEDY
YOU BOOBS!
NORTHCOTT & KENNEDY SIMULTANEOUSLY
YOU IDIOTS!
MIA
(CAREFUL) Ehm… Not to step out of line here, ma’am, but… you did ask us to steal back the surgeon.
KENNEDY
I DIDN’T MEAN STEALING HIM FROM MI5! WHEN YOU DUMBBELLS LOST HIM, I THOUGHT IT WAS THE AMELIA PROJECT STEALING HIM BACK!
MIA
Oh…
NORTHCOTT
(WHISPERING - TO THE EXTENT SHE EVER WHISPERS, SO STILL VERY LOUD) LOOK AT THEM! THAT’S HOW AMERICANS BEHAVE - WE ARE BETTER THAN THAT!
COLE
(WHISPERING BACK) To be fair, Ma’am, you did ask us to get the surgeon back from the Americans -
NORTHCOTT
I DID NOT!
COLE
No, you did, you said… “SORT THIS OUT”. (REALIZING) Oh, yeah, I guess that could mean… Sorry.
NORTHCOTT
MISS KENNEDY AND I HAVE COME TO AN AGREEMENT!
KENNEDY
THIS IS A JOINT ORDER - TO ALL OF YOU - FROM ALL OF US - AND IT’S NOT HAVE A MERRY GODDAMN CHRISTMAS!
NORTHCOTT
(HER VOICE GOES UP AND DOWN) COLE! (GROWLS HIS NAME) HAINES! YOU ARE TO ASSIST AGENTS WILLIAMS AND FOX WITH ANYTHING THEY NEED - AT ANY TIME - BECAUSE THE AMERICANS ARE OUR ALLIES! UNDERSTOOD?
(COLE AND HAINES GROAN)
NORTHCOTT
NOW... (A PAUSE, THEN WITH FULL FORCE AGAIN) GET TO WORK!
(KENNEDY AND NORTHCOTT LEAVE, THEIR HEELS CLICKING AWAY)
MIA
I… guess we’re friends… then.
HaINES
I guess we are.
JACKIE
So - who’s carrying the body?
COLE
After you...
MIA (OVERLAPPING)
What happened to chivalry, I thought you Brits were real big on that?
COLE (OVERLAPPING)
Oh, I, I couldn't, but I, you see, I... my back... It sort of... yeah, no, I, it's doctors orders, I can't really, it's meds and everything...
MIA (OVERLAPPING)
MI-5 was the last one to touch him...
HAINES (OVERLAPPING)
Yeah, I think we've done enough, haven't we, we've been lugging him around all the time. Bit unfair. Your turn, isn't it?
JACKIE (OVERLAPPING)
Oh, I see how it is. Just because you conquer a couple of countries in the past, you think you don't have to carry any bodies anymore. Well listen up buster, we're on British soil, he's your responsibility, you take him.
(THEME MUSIC SETS IN)
CREDITS
This episode was written and edited by Øystein Brager with sound design by Fredrik Baden and Dominic Hargreeves. It featured Julia Morizawa, Josh Callahan, Federico Trujillo, Julia C. Thorne, Lory Martinez, Alex Scott Fairley, James Carney, Andrei Zayats, Erin King, Jordan Cobb, Mama Bang Bang, Sarah Golding, Torgny G. Aanderaa, and Benjamin Noble. Graphic Design by Anders Pedersen. Thank you to Lala Drona for Script Consultancy and thank you to Maty Parzival for Production Assistance and Transcripts. In this episode you heard Mateo tell an embarrassing story, and for this moment, we actually asked Patrons to send us their own real embarrassing stories, as inspiration. We ended up going with a story sent in by our Patron Tracy, so thank you Tracy. And we will be recording and releasing some of the other stories that were submitted on Patreon very soon. On that note, thank you to all our Patrons who keep the show alive, and a special shoutout to our Super-Patrons, Sophia Anderson, Kate Sukeyasu, Sophie Levezow, Jem Fidyk, Alban Ossant, Travis Kirton, Rushabh Shukla, Amelie Harris, to whom this episode is dedicated, Stefanie Weittenhiller, Chloe Lefferman, Elizabeth Currey and welcome to our two new Super-Patrons; Mints And Such and Viktor Hesselbom. Now, you’ve probably heard us mention our Cocoa Corner Sessions, but you might not be aware of what these actually are. So, for today’s Epilogue, we’re giving you a little inside in the Cocoa Corner, all past Cocoa Corner Sessions can still be watched on replay and there’ll be new ones coming soon.
(MUSIC GETS LOUDER AGAIN AFTER IT JUST FADED OUT)
EPILOGUE.
ØYSTEIN
Alright, hello everybody! We are live!
Julia M.
Hi everyone! Welcome to the Amelia Project Cocoa Corner!
ALAN
Welcome to this month’s edition of Cocoa Corner.
PHILIP
To make this show, we are dependent on support from our Patrons. But being a Patron is not just about keeping the show alive, it’s also about being part of a community! And it’s a Cocoa Loving Community! If you sign up as a 5$ Patron, you can join us for our regular Livestreams with Cast and Crew where we answer your questions and share behind the scenes Amelia-secrets.
JULIA M.
I was approached by Mail. Yes, you heard me right.
ALAN
There were many many different versions that the Interviewer could have been.
ANDERS
The Phoenix rises from this cup of cocoa and it’s also hot steam from the cocoa.
JULIA M.
Congratulations - I’m pretty sure I’m allowed to share th-, I gotta be allowed to share this at this point, right? - It says: Congratulations, this is the Amelia Project.
PHILIP
It’s an explosive. It’s got to do with explosives (LAUGHTER)
ØYSTEIN
That might explain why it didn’t arrive!
(LAUGHTER)
JULIA T.
By the way, I did find some rum!
PHILIP
You did, well, okay but … not yet? Okay? Because I want to try and answer some questions if we have some questions (JULIA LAUGHS IN THE BACKGROUND)
PHILIP
How do you think, if Sarah Connor came to the office of the Amelia Project, could they fake her death to fool Terminator?
JULIA T.
How’s the Cocoa by the way?
PHILIP
Hm, I’ve been talking so much (JULIA LAUGHS) it’s really good!
PHILIP
Go to ameliapodcast.com and click on Support The Show to sign up today! We’d love to see you at the next cocoa corner.
(MUSIC FADES OUT)
END OF EPISODE.