THE ALVINA ARCHIVES - EPISODE 4, MCLAREN (MUSIC) (KNOCK ON THE DOOR) ALVINA Hello? BEAT. Can I come in? (RATTLES DOORKNOB) I know you're in there. (SIGHS) I have cocoa. (THE DOOR IMMEDIATELY OPENS) Interviewer Cocoa? (ALVINA SQUEEZES PAST HIM INTO THE OFFICE) ALVINA (SATISFIED) No, but I have this. (ALVINA SLAPS SOME PAPERS ON THE INTERVIEWER'S DESK) Interviewer (GLOOMILY) A case file? ALVINA I've typed up Mr Nakamura's interview, and I have questions. Interviewer (UNENTHUSIASTICALLY) Oh, alright... ALVINA First off, a McLaren? Interviewer (ENTHUSIASTICALLY) Yes! ALVINA I don't know much about cars, but that's expensive right? Interviewer I know someone at the luxury car dealership in Knightsbridge who owes me. He can get us ten thousand pounds off. ALVINA Off of how much? Interviewer …0ne hundred and fifty thousand. ALVINA Right. Interviewer Mr Nakamura insists on a McLaren. ALVINA Hmm. Listening to the interview, I got the impression it's you who insists on a McLaren. Interviewer Well it's the perfect vehicle for him to die in! ALVINA What's wrong with a Nissan? Interviewer (GASPS) You're a monster Alvina! ALVINA What? Interviewer We can't send Mr Nakamura to his grave in a Nissan! ALVINA What difference does it make? Whatever the car, it'll end up as a smashed up, smouldering pile of steel, glass and rubber anyway. Interviewer (HIGH-PITCHED) What difference does it make? What difference does it make? ALVINA Apart from about thirteen thousand, five hundred pounds. Interviewer What? ALVINA You heard correctly. We can get a Nissan and save thirteen thousand, five hundred pounds. Interviewer Oh, don't be silly Alvina. You can't even get a Nissan for- ALVINA I've made inquiries. There's a guy in St John's Wood who needs to get rid of his car, cash in hand. He wanted a thousand, but I figured he needs to get out of the country fast, so I haggled him down to five hundred. If we threaten exposing him to the police we could get it for practically nothing. Interviewer (SHOCKED) You are unbelievable. ALVINA What's not to like? We save a lot of money, and even better, the whole transaction is kept entirely off the books. Interviewer This! This is why I don't work with amateurs. ALVINA Amateurs? I'm saving the company money and you're calling me an amateur? Interviewer Let me explain something to you Alvina. ALVINA Please do. INTERVIEWER (CON’T) (EMPHATICALLY) Mr Nakamura is about to give up everything he once held dear. His family, his friends, his colleagues, his two Labradors, Karaoke Fridays at the Lucky Voice, and an annual subscription to Gardeners World. He is leaving all of this behind for life as a goat farmer in Sudan. ALVINA It's what he wants. Interviewer Our role is to ensure a secret, safe and meaningful transition into a new life. ALVINA (CONTEMPLATES THIS) "Meaningful." Interviewer (PAINTS A PICTURE...) Listen. Mr Nakamura settles into the power-adjustable heated memory sports seats of the McLaren 765LT Spider, plays Beethoven's Symphony Number Six on the 12-speaker surround system, and hits the road. This is his passage from one life into the next. He is driving away from everything he once knew into a bold future. He will think of this drive for years to come when he feeds goats in the Sudanese Desert. The people he leaves behind will think of it too. They will remember a smiling Mr Nakamura, on his fiftieth birthday, renting a bright orange McLaren, waving goodbye and roaring into the sunset. This will be the final image imprinted on their minds. Car, sunset, flames. Mr Nakamura disappears in a blinding flash of orange. BEAT. (EMOTIONAL) And you wanted to send him off in a used Nissan illegally purchased from some third rate crook. (PAUSE) ALVINA I understand. Interviewer Oh, you do? ALVINA Well, I still think the disappearance should bring in more than we spend on it, but- Interviewer Some disappearances cost more some cost less! It all balances each other out in the end! You always - always - have to go with what is the right death! ALVINA (CON’T) -but I can see that there may be things about how this company operates that I still need to learn more about. (PAUSE) I am open to learning. I have to go to Saint Thomas Hospital now, meet that guy Amelia brought back from Israel, but how about we make an appointment for tonight? Interviewer Tonight? Um... What have I got planned for tonight? I, no, no, tonight is- ALVINA Do you like scrabble? Interviewer (INTERESTED) Scrabble? ALVINA Bet you can't beat me at scrabble. Interviewer (LAUGHS) Oh! I'll make you eat your words! You don't know who you've just thrown the gauntlet to! ALVINA So tonight? Interviewer Tonight. ALVINA Ok. Have fun with Mother Mary. Try not to use the lord's name in vain in front of her. INTERVIEWER (QUIETLY) Oh for god’s sake… ALVINA See you tonight! END.