MIDNIGHT BURGER AND THE AMELIA PROJECT
SOMNIUM.
PIP
Hello dear listeners, and welcome to the Midnight Burger Amelia Project Crossover. We are so excited to be crossing over with one of our favourite shows. The fabulous sci-fi comedy Midnight Burger. If you haven’t yet checked out this wild, funny, moving and did I say funny? Audio Drama, then you should do so right now. Well, or, you could listen to this crossover first and then check it out For those of you who don’t know Midnight Burger, there isn’t much you need to know to enjoy this crossover. Maybe just that Midnight Burger is a time-travelling, dimensions-spanning diner, that can appear anywhere at any time in the multiverse. And that the diner seems to land in a place where someone needs their help or there is a problem to solve, and that the people who work this diner are the lovable group of misfits you’ll ever come across.
Do know that this is a standalone episode, it does not slot into our current season. Before we begin we’d like to say Thank You to all our patrons, without whom we couldn’t do this, and we’d like to give a shoutout to our Super Patron Mark (Scrobanek), who will die from an allergic reaction to Goldfish, and will gain a fulfilling new life as a window display designer.
Right. We’re ready to let our two worlds collide. And it is all about to begin at Picadilly Circus.
As they say, over at midnight burger, let’s start the shift.
WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF PICCADILLY CIRCUS. MIDDAY. CARS, FAINT HUMAN SOUNDS, ETC.
WOMAN
(AMERICAN ACCENT) Excuse me, hi, would you mind taking a picture of my family?
KOZLOWSKI
I would be happy to.
WOMAN
Here you go.
KOZLOWSKI
Excellent. Hello there, young man.
WOMAN
This is little Henry.
KOZLOWSKI
He has a marvellously developed cranium.
WOMAN
... Thank you?
KOZLOWSKI
All together now. Say cheese.
(THE PHONE SNAPS A PICTURE)
WOMAN
Thank you.
KOZLOWSKI
Does it look alright?
WOMAN
It’s wonderful, thank you. It’s our first time in London.
KOZLOWSKI
Lovely.
WOMAN
Do you live here?
KOZLOWSKI
Ah, at times.
WOMAN
I didn’t think anyone who lived here came to this part of town, it’s such a tourist trap.
KOZLOWSKI
I do not often find myself here, but today... something in the air.
WOMAN
Alright, well, thank you again.
KOZLOWSKI
Have a wonderful day.
(The family walks away)
... something in the air.
(THE WIND BEGINS TO RUSH AROUND HIM. LOOSE PAPERS ARE BLOWN DOWN THE STREET. THERE IS SUDDENLY A DEAFENING CRACK IN THE AIR FOLLOWED BY CHAOS: PEOPLE SHOUTING, CARS SWERVING AND CRASHING, ALARMS GOING OFF IN BUILDINGS)
(SATISFIED AND INTRIGUED) ... something in the air.
(WE MOVE TO THE AMELIA PROJECT OFFICE. ALVINA AND THE INTERVIEWER ARE IN THE OFFICE. A PHONE IS RINGING. ALVINA PICKS UP THE PHONE)
ALVINA
Hello?... What?
THE INTERVIEWER
Who is it?
ALVINA
Kozlowski.
THE INTERVIEWER
On the telephone?
ALVINA
Yes. What are you talking about?
THE INTERVIEWER
Speakerphone, please!
(We hear a beep. KOZLOWSKI comes through the speaker)
ALVINA
Can you say that again?
KOZLOWSKI
Perhaps you should turn on your television?
THE INTERVIEWER
Television?
ALVINA
What channel?
KOZLOWSKI
Oh, I believe any of them will do.
THE INTERVIEWER
What in the world are you talking about?
(ALVINA TURNS ON THE TELEVISION. THEY WATCH FOR A MOMENT)
KOZLOWSKI
It was the strangest thing. I awoke this morning and felt compelled to come to Piccadilly Circus. “Something in the air,” I said to myself. Lo and behold...
ALVINA
What on earth is it?
THE INTERVIEWER
Is this some sort of pop-up shop? Some sort of promotion for some sort of wretched product?
KOZLOWSKI
Oh no, I do not believe so. Keep watching, I am sure they will play the CCTV footage at any moment.
ALVINA
It’s in the middle of the street.
THE INTERVIEWER
You simply felt there was something in the air?
KOZLOWSKI
There is a feeling one gets when a disturbance in the weather approaches. It was not unlike that.
ALVINA
Here’s the CCTV...
(CRASH VIA THE TV)
... What the...?
THE INTERVIEWER
Well, tweeze my brows and call me Delilah.
ALVINA
It appeared out of nowhere.
THE INTERVIEWER
Impossible.
KOZLOWSKI
I strongly suggest that the two of you join me as soon as you can. It has become a very interesting day at Piccadilly Circus.
ALVINA
Is there anyone inside?
KOZLOWSKI
Logic would dictate.
ALVINA
How can you possibly invoke logic?
KOZLOWSKI
The authorities will approach at any moment. I suggest you make your way.
THE INTERVIEWER
Why are we coming there?
ALVINA
Kozlowski, I don’t like this, I think you should come back to the office.
THE INTERVIEWER
I agree. I’ve no idea what’s just occurred but it certainly doesn’t concern us.
KOZLOWSKI
My friends, an American Diner has just magically materialized in the middle of Piccadilly Circus. Who else on the planet could this concern other than us?
(AMELIA THEME)
INTRO
The Amelia Project and Midnight Burger presents… Somnium. Written by Joe Fisher, Oystein Ulsberg Brager and Philip Thorne.
INSIDE THE DINER.
(WE HEAR CHAOS OUTSIDE. ALSO MUSIC)
CASPAR
Subtle. Reaaaally subtle.
Gloria
Where is this, London?
CASPAR
Yeah.
Zebulon
It’s not often we set down in our location so awkwardly, is it dear?
Effie
I can’t recall any time we’ve set down right in the middle of the road, that’s just plain bad manners.
AVA
It’s okay, it’s not like the traffic in London can get any worse.
(LEIF WALKS THROUGH THE BACK DOOR)
Leif
What the hell was that?
GLORIA
We’re in the middle of the road.
LEIF
London, right?
GLORIA
Yeah.
LEIF
This is... conspicuous.
GLORIA
Nothing we can do about it now.
CASPAR
You know, now that I think about it, how come this doesn’t happen more often? We never appear in the middle of the road like this, how come we don’t show up in really awkward places more often? Ooh. Do you think we’ve ever killed a wicked witch?
AVA
Technically we just did that.
GLORIA
Are we going to be surrounded by a bunch of Billies with bobby-clubs now?
CASPAR
(AMUSED) I think it’s Bobbys with Billie-Clubs.
LEIF
Oh, I think we’ll get the armed response team for this one.
CASPAR
Wouldn’t it be funny if we just got a ticket?
AVA
“Listen you lot, no parking your cafe in the middle of Piccadilly. Move along then.”
EFFIE
No chance of us doing any sight-seeing today is there?
ZEBULON
I’m afraid we’re standing out like wings on a Holstein, dear.
LEIF
Why would the diner set us down here?
AVA
Hmm. Why would you?
LEIF
Why would I?
AVA
Yeah, let’s assume it’s not random.
LEIF
Okay... Okay, I’m the diner.
AVA
You’re the diner.
LEIF
I set myself down in a very busy and noisy area of a major city. I make a big mess. People freak out. Police probably on their way...
EFFIE
You’re trying to get someone’s attention.
AVA
Right.
ZEBULON
But the attention of whom?
LEIF
Right. Popping up in a location like this. It’s like shooting a flare.
AVA
Kind of hard to keep calm and carry on past this one.
GLORIA
I guess we just wait and see.
EFFIE
I’m thinking we won’t need to wait long, Gloria.
CASPAR
Is someone parking in our parking lot?
LEIF
I mean, it’s free parking in the middle of the city, someone’s going to go for it.
AVA
It’s a cab.
CASPAR
What do they call a cab in London?
AVA
They call it a cab.
ZEBULON
Seems to be a woman and her butler, and a very tall man.
OUTSIDE.
THE INTERVIEWER
Thank you, my good man!
(THE CAB DRIVES AWAY)
GLORIA
Okay. That didn’t take long. Here we go...
(DOOR CHIME)
Hello there. Welcome to Midnight Burger.
(PAUSE)
THE INTERVIEWER
... Afternoon.
GLORIA
(UNIMPRESSED) What can we get you today?
ALVINA
I’m sorry, you just appeared in the middle of Piccadilly Circus and you’re just going to take our order?
GLORIA
Probably the best place to start, right?
KOZLOWSKI
Fascinating.
THE INTERVIEWER
... Hot cocoa, please.
CASPAR
What?
THE INTERVIEWER
Hot. Cocoa.
CASPAR
Do we even have any?
GLORIA
I can do that. How about everyone else?
ALVINA
... A cup of tea?
KOZLOWSKI
Do you have “Curly Fries?”
GLORIA
No.
KOZLOWSKI
Shame. Black coffee then.
AVA
Are you guys the secret service?
THE INTERVIEWER
We are not.
AVA
The Avengers? The British ones? Do you have a sword cane.
THE INTERVIEWER
I do not.
(AWKWARD PAUSE)
Will someone begin talking please?
LEIF
I can sense your confusion.
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh, can you?
LEIF
It’s called a diner. You don’t really have them here. It’s a roadside restaurant.
ALVINA
I don’t think that’s anywhere close to the source of our confusion.
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh, for heaven’s sake will someone please explain the pure madness that is unfolding in Piccadilly Circus today?!
GLORIA
Midnight Burger. It’s a time-traveling, dimension-spanning diner. We show up somewhere new every day.
THE INTERVIEWER
... That’s preposterous.
GLORIA
Yes.
THE INTERVIEWER
... Where were you yesterday?
GLORIA
Some planet. We never got the name.
THE INTERVIEWER
What were you doing there?
GLORIA
A wedding.
THE INTERVIEWER
Ah. Well, how nice that you also offer catering. Who was the officiant, was it your mechanic?
GLORIA
Our radio.
THE INTERVIEWER
I beg your pardon?
ZEBULON
Afternoon, all. I’m Zebulon Mucklewain here with my wife, Effie.
EfFIE
Hi, y’all.
ZEBULON (CON’T)
It was a lovely service yesterday, was it not, dear?
EFFIE
Twas indeed. There was a bit of a language barrier seeing as how they were from another realm entirely but there was a universality to our intentions that I think really kept the butts in the seats.
ZEBULON
Most definitely!
ALVINA
Who’s talking through your radio?
GLORIA
Effie and Zebulon Mucklewain... Y’all I can’t give you hot chocolate a tea and a coffee while you’re standing up, this isn’t a cocktail party. Have a seat.
KOZLOWSKI
This booth here looks lovely.
ALVINA
I think I actually do need to sit down.
GLORIA
Great.
THE INTERVIEWER
Well- You do realize that, regardless of the truth of your story, the authorities will arrive any moment.
GLORIA
Yeah. It never goes well for them when they do that.
ALVINA
So, why do you decide to show up in the middle of the street in broad daylight?
GLORIA
We didn’t.
ALVINA
Who did?
GLORIA
We can’t really control where we go. There are times when I feel like we can control it a little, and there are times when this place seems to have (SHE TALKS LOUDER, TO THE DINER AROUND THEM) an agenda of its own, but generally speaking we’re not in charge.
KOZLOWSKI
And what agenda do you think it may have in the middle of London?
GLORIA
I’m Gloria, by the way.
KOZLOWSKI
Ah! Forgive me, Piotr Kozlowski.
ALVINA
Alvina.
THE INTERVIEWER
That is a very important point. What is your agenda?
GLORIA
I don’t know. But it does seem like any time someone walks through that door, they do it for a reason. Leif, what was your theory?
LEIF
Well, I was just saying, for the diner to make a big mess like this, maybe it’s trying to get someone’s attention.
GLORIA
Did we get your attention, guys?
ALVINA
Uh, yeah.
GLORIA
Okay. Well. Welcome to Midnight Burger. I’m Gloria. Over there is Ava, she’s a theoretical physicist. That’s Leif, he makes things. You met Effie and Zebulon, and that’s Caspar.
CASPAR
Hi.
GLORIA
He’s old.
CASPAR
It’s true.
INTERVIEWER
How old?
CASPAR
173 years. Give or take a month.
(THE INTERVIEWER LAUGHS)
CASPAR
They don’t believe me.
INTERVIEWER
(CHUCKLING)
Yes, we do!
KOZLOWSKI
We do.
CASPAR
Then why are you laughing?
INTERVIEWER
(STILL LAUGHING)
“Old”!
GLORIA
So, what do we think? Why was the diner trying to get your attention?
THE INTERVIEWER
Hm...
ALVINA
Um...
KOZLOWSKI
I believe I have a few ideas.
THE INTERVIEWER
I believe I... I believe my colleagues and I would like a moment to confer.
GLORIA
Oh, Okay, sure. I’m making caldo de albondigas, who wants some?
THE INTERVIEWER
Making what?
GLORIA
Meatball soup.
THE INTERVIEWER
Well, that sounds lovely - !
ALVINA
(CUTTING HIM OFF) I believe we’ll just have our beverages, thank you.
GLORIA
Sure. Just yell at Caspar if you need something.
ALVINA
Thank you.
(THE AMELIA PROJECT CREW IS HUDDLED UP BY THEMSELVES)
ALVINA
So... what is your theory, Kozlowski?
THE INTERVIEWER
Yes, you said it had to concern us, but so far I don't see how?
KOZLOWSKI
The details are not clear yet. But I believe that if we tell them who we are and what we do, it might become clear.
ALVINA
Tell them about The Amelia Project? Absolutely no way!
KOZLOWSKI
Why not?
ALVINA
Because what we do is a secret to anyone apart from those who require our services!
KOZLOWSKI
Perhaps they do require our services.
ALVINA
Why would they? They have a - what was it - universe-travelling... time-shifting... greasy spoon -
THE INTERVIEWER
It's a diner.
ALVINA
I know. My point is, they seem to be able to go anywhere at any point. They don't need to fake their deaths and start a new life. They can just go "beam me up, Scotty" and they're out of here.
KOZLOWSKI
Perhaps this is the very predicament they need to escape. Perhaps they are prisoners of a magic restaurant that will never allow them to settle down, never allow them to build friendships, start a family, pursue a career.
THE INTERVIEWER
Maybe they want help rescuing those two trapped in the radio!
ALVINA
What, are you agreeing now? We just put all our cards on the table?
THE INTERVIEWER
I think an unorthodox situation might call for an unorthodox approach. Besides, if they're about to zap out of here to some entirely different planet, I don't see how them knowing about The Amelia Project could really hurt us.
ALVINA
We don't know that story is true!
KOZLOWSKI
Alvina, have you heard of Occam's Razor?
ALVINA
Was it so sharp he cut himself on it?
KOZLOWSKI
Let us put it to a vote.
ALVINA
You're two, I'm one.
THE INTERVIEWER
We should still vote.
ALVINA
Why?
THE INTERVIEWER
I like the excitement!
ALVINA
I wish Amelia was here to just cut through this nonsense...
THE INTERVIEWER
Show of hands. No! Wait! Let's do ballots! I think I have some gum paper in my pocket...
(ALVINA SIGHS)
(WE ZOOM TO THE DINER CREW HUDDLED UP BY THE RADIO)
CASPAR
Okay, what do we think of these weirdos?
GLORIA
Are they weird or are they just European?
LEIF
We magically appeared in the middle of the city and they just walked in the front door, they’re definitely weird.
AVA
Also they seem freaked out but not too freaked out, like they’ve seen some really weird shit.
CASPAR
They’re certainly not the worst people to walk through that door, they seem fine.
LEIF
Kind of begs the question who WAS the worst person to walk through the door?
EFFIE
Jane.
CASPAR
Jane.
GLORIA
Jane.
AVA
Jane.
ZEBULON
Most definitely.
LEIF
Sadly, I agree.
EFFIE
They’re here for a reason, I’m thinking.
ZEBULON
I agree, dear. Let’s not rule out a little divine provenance.
GLORIA
What’s the reason, though?
CASPAR
Yeah, why would some lady, her butler, and a seven foot tall... what is he, Swedish?
AVA
I think he’s French.
CASPAR
Whatever he is, why would they be here?
EFFIE
Y’all, have we forgotten that there is one problem in particular we have been trying to work out for weeks now, that we have yet to stick a fork in?
GLORIA
Oh right.
CASPAR
Our passenger.
AVA
She has been here for a while now.
LEIF
Not sure how they can help with that, unless they’re some kind of secret society that disappears people and provides them with new lives no matter how ridiculous their request may be.
AVA
Yeah, that’s unlikely.
THE INTERVIEWER
Ahem. I have conferred with my colleagues, and we have decided: cards on the table. We are The Amelia Project. A secret society that disappears people and provides them with new lives no matter how ridiculous their request may be.
GLORIA
...Huh.
LEIF
Huh.
AVA
Huh.
ZEBULON
Well, now.
EFFIE
Once again, I am humbly staying silent when divine provenance makes itself known.
CASPAR
I can hear you though.
GLORIA
Well, it’s a good thing you’re here, then. You have a customer. Let’s get you some puffy jackets.
(WE HEAR THE SOUND OF ICY WINTER WINDS. SEVERAL FOOTSTEPS APPROACH IN THE SNOW)
THE INTERVIEWER
This... is not a deep freeze.
GLORIA
No, it’s not. Take all the time you need.
(PAUSE)
THE INTERVIEWER
Where are we?
KOZLOWSKI
Another world.
GLORIA
Yes. It’s funny, we never named it. We just call it the deep freeze.
KOZLOWSKI
How far does it go?
GLORIA
Ava, did we ever?
AVA
It’s about three times the size of Jupiter.
THE INTERVIEWER
My goodness.
KOZLOWSKI
Have you travelled through it extensively?
AVA
No, we pretty much stay in this area. Calculating the curvature of a celestial body using the sun is pretty easy, even Leif can do it.
LEIF
Ha ha.
KOZLOWSKI
I must see more.
GLORIA
Her camp is this way. Follow me.
(MOST OF THEM START WALKING. ALVINA STAYS)
CASPAR
Hey there. How are we doing?
I’m Caspar.
ALVINA
... Alvina.
CASPAR
Where you from?
ALVINA
Samson.
CASPAR
Cool, cool. Is that a big city or... town or...?
ALVINA
It's a microscopic island off of Bryher.
CASPAR
Which is a big isla-?
ALVINA
Which is an island off of Tresco, which again is an island off of St. Mary.
BEAT.
Which is an island off the coast of Cornwall.
CASPAR
Cornwall! We made land! I have heard of that. So, you're from... offshore.
ALVINA
I'm from a place that is pretty much as remote as anywhere you can get in Britain. Me and my mum used to joke it was like living on another planet.
CASPAR
... I’m from Ohio, originally. Then California a lot. Sacramento. All up and down the I-5 corridor. Barstow for a while, sadly...
ALVINA
... But now I’m actually on another planet... and... yeah...
CASPAR
... Y’know it’s funny. Anytime anyone sets foot on another planet for the first time, that’s the first thing they say “I’m on another planet.” Very simple.
ALVINA
How is this possible?
CASPAR
And then they follow up with “How is this possible?”
ALVINA
I’m serious.
CASPAR
The door to our deep freeze leads to another planet.
ALVINA
Yes, I caught that.
CASPAR
Okay, then you know as much as I do.
ALVINA
You... go about your day knowing there’s a gateway to another planet in your deep freeze? How do you get anything done?
CASPAR
Well, let me ask you this: As you go about your daily life in your world, how much do you know about how it works? The streetlights turn on when the sun goes down, how do they know? You assume it’s some sort of process involving computers and electricity being rerouted on some sort of timer, but you assume that. You actually have no idea how it works. How do the trains run without crashing into each other? You assume there’s a system there, you don’t know what it is. If memory serves you have a complicated barrier on the Thames to keep it from flooding the city, it’s this massive thing, how does it work? You probably have no idea. We all spend all day in a world we know practically nothing about. Our world is just a little fancier.
ALVINA
Well, I’m sure if I took an afternoon off I could figure out how the Thames Barrier works.
CASPAR
And I’m sure if we took the time we could figure out how the deep freeze works, we’ve just always got something else going on.
ALVINA
Things like what?
CASPAR
Things like three people walking in the front door calling themselves The Amelia Project... C’mon you can’t enjoy it if you’re too busy being astounded by it. Come meet the wolves.
ALVINA
Wolves?!
CASPAR
No, they’re great, it’s fine. C’mon!
(AVA WALKS WITH THE INTERVIEWER)
AVA
The Laws of Planetary Motion. Number 1: Planets orbit the sun in an elliptical orbit. Number two: A planet moves faster when it’s closer to the sun. Number three Planets that are further away from the sun have longer orbital periods.
THE INTERVIEWER
Why are you saying this to me?
AVA
Those are the Laws of Planetary Motion. Created by who?
THE INTERVIEWER
Johannes Kepler, I believe.
AVA
Great. Yes. He was one of the big ones. Kepler had an idea. He wanted people to get their heads out of the sand and start looking up. He wanted his ideas about heliocentricity and the solar system to be presented to all types of people, people who aren’t necessarily astronomers. How do you do that? How do you get people to look up?
THE INTERVIEWER
Pointing?
AVA
You tell them a story. He wrote a fairy tale called “Somnium.” A story about a young boy and his mother. The boy’s mother was a witch, and she summoned a demon that took her and her son through a magical portal to the moon. While they were there, they visited a city on the moon, and observed the solar system spinning the way Kepler theorized it would. It was a simple story, no big deal. But here’s the problem: people hate to read and they love to gossip. Some people didn’t get the memo that Kepler was writing a fictional story. Suddenly throughout Europe people were saying “Hey, did you hear about Kepler? His mom’s a witch and they went to the moon using demon powers.”
THE INTERVIEWER
People actually believed that story was real?
AVA
Well, it was 1608, everybody had their heads up their asses. When the news reached the wrong people in Germany, Kepler’s mother was arrested for witchcraft.
THE INTERVIEWER
Where are you taking me with this story?
AVA
Kepler schlepped his ass across Europe and spent five years defending his mother. That’s five years he could’ve spent studying the universe and he spent it arguing with the German Witch Narcs. So, there we were in Germany. Right time, right place. I convinced everyone to break her out of witch jail.
THE INTERVIEWER
You performed a jail break.
AVA
Yes.
THE INTERVIEWER
In Germany.
AVA
Yes.
THE INTERVIEWER
In the seventeenth century.
AVA
Correct.
THE INTERVIEWER
... Who is waiting for us at the end of this walk?
AVA
Katharina Kepler. Mother of one of the greatest scientists in history and alleged witch.
THE INTERVIEWER
Why have you kept her in this place? Why not the warmth of the cafe?
AVA
She likes it here. She says it reminds her of home.
THE INTERVIEWER
Well... Germany in the seventeenth century? I can see the resemblance. Do you make a habit of abducting people from the space time continuum?
AVA
Actually no. This is rare for us. See, it turns out when a magical disappearing diner breaks you out of prison, it has a tendency to SUPPORT the allegations that you’re a witch.
THE INTERVIEWER
Who would’ve thought?
AVA
Long story short, we saved her but made her a fugitive from her own time. So... she’s looking for a new life and according to you three, that’s what you’re all about.
THE INTERVIEWER
And according to you, you’re in a new place and time every day. Certainly she could’ve stepped off anywhere.
AVA
She’s... particular.
THE INTERVIEWER
Particular about what?
AVA
She just keeps saying “Not right.”
THE INTERVIEWER
Hardly helpful.
AVA (CON’T)
So, if you three are who you say you are, and you’re so good at finding people a new life no matter how ridiculous the request, find her one. Her camp is up ahead.
THE INTERVIEWER
... I make no promises. But I shall meet with her.
AVA
Good luck.
THE INTERVIEWER
Are there any... precautions I should take in this place. Do I need to keep a lookout for the White Witch?
AVA
No, you’re safe. And we’ve already made all of the Narnia jokes.
THE INTERVIEWER
It may be a bit slow going, my German is quite rusty.
AVA
She’s picked up English remarkably fast, you’ll be fine.
KATHARINA’S CAMP.
(WE HEAR A CAMPFIRE AND THE SOUND OF THE WOLVES THAT SURROUND HER, PANTING AND PLAYING AND OCCASIONALLY BARKING. THE INTERVIEWER APPROACHES)
THE INTERVIEWER
Guten Abend, Frau Kepler. Darf ich mit Ihnen am Feuer sitzen?
Katharina
... Please do not waste my time by fumbling through my language.
(WOLVES HOWLING)
THE INTERVIEWER
... Very well.
KATHARINA
You may sit.
(INSISTENT) Sit.
THE INTERVIEWER
I am only now realizing that you are surrounded by wolves.
KATHARINA
You have never seen a wolf?
THE INTERVIEWER
I’ve seen them.
KATHARINA
They are just dogs.
THE INTERVIEWER
Frau Kepler, if they were just dogs we would call them dogs. We call them something else because they are, in fact, wild animals and not dogs.
)JUNGKOOK APPROACHES THE INTERVIEWER)
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh goodness me.
(JUNGKOOK BARKS AND HAPPILY PANTS)
KATHARINA
That one is Jungkook. The Spaniard, she has given them very strange names.
THE INTERVIEWER
It’s looking at me.
KATHARINA
He wants you to pet him, don’t be a bastard.
THE INTERVIEWER
Very well... Hello, Jungkook.
KATHARINA
So, who are you, why have you come?
THE INTERVIEWER
Yes... (CLEARS THROAT) Frau Kepler I represent an organization known as The Amelia Project.
KATHARINA
And you have come here why?
THE INTERVIEWER
We’ve been told you are on a search for a new life and have been a bit vexed in finding one.
KATHARINA
I am particular. What does this have to do with you?
THE INTERVIEWER
My colleagues and I, we specialize in new lives. Our clients will ask us for a new life and we will move heaven and Earth to provide it. We also specialize in faking deaths, but your strange friends here seem to have taken care of that part for you. Whisking you away to the heavens in a... well, not quite a golden chariot, but a... restaurant.
KATHARINA
A new life.
THE INTERVIEWER
Yes.
KATHARINA
We are only given one life.
THE INTERVIEWER
Hm. (CHUCKLES) An interesting thought. One life. I myself feel as though I’ve had a thousand. Do you not feel the same?
KATHARINA
I was a young girl. Then a bride, then a mother, grandmother.
THE INTERVIEWER
Precisely. Our sigil is the Phoenix. Always rising anew from the ashes.
KATHARINA
... Lutherus Einhorn was his name. The Vogt Of Leonberg. He swore to the people of the city that he would drive out all sorcerers... I was not the only one. There were fifteen of us. Fifteen women. Eight of us were executed in the town square as the people laughed... No new life for them. Why for me?
THE INTERVIEWER
We’ll come to call this feeling the “guilt of the survivor”. After the initial relief of one’s life being spared, a feeling settles about you. “Why me?” “Why was I spared and not the others?”
KATHARINA
Can you tell me why?
THE INTERVIEWER
I cannot. Though it may have had something to do with having one of the most brilliant men in Europe on your defence team. And I am sure he was that brilliant man due in no small part to his mother.
KATHARINA
You know of my son? They all seem to know of my son.
THE INTERVIEWER
Anyone with even a passing understanding of the sky above their heads knows of your son... though perhaps not this particular sky we are currently under.
KATHARINA
It is a beautiful place, yes? Reminds me of Württemberg. The cold. Though in my home the wolves were not so kind.
THE INTERVIEWER
Your new friends have told me that you’ve seen many different worlds since you left your own. Many places to start over, to rise from the ashes, as it were. They’ve all been lacking?
KATHARINA
They have.
THE INTERVIEWER
I propose that your displeasure with all these new worlds is due to your guilt. Your guilt in surviving that harrowing experience when others did not.
KATHARINA
I have been alive for seventy-five years. No small feat. But I refused to confess, and my son refused to give up. So, I live. If I am to be reborn, as you say, it must be perfect. It must be the final time, so it must be perfect.
THE INTERVIEWER
I would also argue that insisting on perfection is an excellent way to prevent one from making a decision.
KATHARINA
It is my life, I will make whatever demands of it I wish.
THE INTERVIEWER
Very well... very well... I agree that this place is beautiful...I am unsettled by this place. I have seen a great many things but this... I am out of my element. And I do so love being in my element. Lovely planet, but I sincerely doubt they have anything here remotely like Les Deux Magots. So, in an effort to move this along I will offer you a deal.
KATHARINA
What is this deal?
THE INTERVIEWER
Picture in your mind the perfect place. The place that will be the site of your rebirth. Picture this place, then you will describe it to me, and then, no matter what it takes, I will find it. Even if I have to build this place by hand, brick by brick, I will find it for you.
KATHARINA
Any place at all.
THE INTERVIEWER
Any place you so desire.
KATHARINA
How will you do this?
THE INTERVIEWER
I’ve no idea. But it shall be done. All you need to do is tell me of the place.
KATHARINA
Very well. I accept your offer.
THE INTERVIEWER
Ha! Excellent... Everyone, stop lurking back there, we’ve work to do, everyone gather round the fire!
(THE OTHERS MAKE THEIR WAY AROUND THE CAMPFIRE)
GLORIA
Does she know where she wants to go?
THE INTERVIEWER
Apparently. She’s about to tell us.
CASPAR
This is fun this is like a game show.
ALVINA
This is a lot of wolves, is this okay?
LEIF
They’re great, think of them as Disney wolves not fantasy novel wolves.
ALVINA
Did they just kill a deer?
LEIF
Except for that part, except for the deer killing part.
CASPAR
I can’t believe we’re finally getting some movement on this, she’s been in our inbox way too long.
KATHARINA
Keep the talking box away from me.
GLORIA
I will, Katharina. I’m standing all the way back here.
ALVINA
What’s that about?
GLORIA
Katharina’s not so hot on our magical radio.
KATHARINA
They claim to be followers of Jesus but they are fueled by an evil magic.
EFFIE
We have been nothing but kind to that woman.
ZEBULON
We’ve tried every record in our collection. I even found some Oom-pah-pah music to remind her of home.
THE INTERVIEWER
Polka music originated in Bohemia and not until the 19th century. You’re trying to remind her of home by playing music from another country and also from her relative future. So unless you have any Hans Leo Hassler in your collection... I have very quickly become comfortable with speaking to them like they are people.
GLORIA
Happens fast doesn’t it?
THE INTERVIEWER
Where was I?
KATHARINA
The bargain.
THE INTERVIEWER
Ah, yes. The bargain is this: Frau Kepler will name her ideal destination, her new life, and it will then fall to us to find her that place no matter how impossible the request.
ALVINA
No matter how impossible?
THE INTERVIEWER
Correct.
ALVINA
That leaves a lot of room for failure.
THE INTERVIEWER
Indeed it does. But she would have gone on like this forever. The deadlock needed to be broken. We shall break it by doing the impossible as we normally do.
ALVINA
(SCEPTICAL) Mhm...
THE INTERVIEWER
So, now that we are all gathered. Frau Kepler, where will your new life begin?
KATHARINA
Levania.
THE INTERVIEWER
... Levania? Anyone?
AVA
Shit.
(KATHARINA LAUGHS)
THE INTERVIEWER
She’s laughing, why is she laughing?
AVA
Here’s a description of Levania: The city of Levania is a marvel of beauty and harmony. It is built on a hillside, and its streets are lined with trees and flowers. The buildings are made of white marble, and they are all decorated with intricate carvings. The city is also home to many beautiful gardens, which are filled with exotic plants and animals.
THE INTERVIEWER
That hardly seems a challenge.
CASPAR
You just described every affluent suburb in America, she basically wants to go to Westchester.
AVA
Yes. Two problems: One, Levania is on the moon.
THE INTERVIEWER
Ah.
AVA
Two: Levania is fictional.
THE INTERVIEWER
Ah ha.
AVA
It’s from her son’s book, the one that got her thrown in witch jail. In the book, the boy’s mother conjures a demon and the demon takes them up to a magical city on the moon called Levania.
LEIF
So she’s just fucking with us now.
THE INTERVIEWER
Indeed she is.
KOZLOWSKI
But a deal is a deal.
THE INTERVIEWER
Indeed it is.
KATHARINA
I will wait here patiently while you find for me Levania.
GLORIA
Okay. I guess this is going to take a while. I’ll get some food started. I hope everybody likes venison.
ALVINA
How much time do we have? The London police are going to surround this place any minute now.
GLORIA
We’ve actually got all the time in the world because the gravitational... what?
LEIF
Gravitational time dilation. Time moves a lot slower down here than it does out there.
ALVINA
How much slower?
GLORIA
Weeks down here is a few minutes up there.
ALVINA
Wow.
KOZLOWSKI
Which would imply that the gravity here is far greater, and yet I feel nothing.
LEIF
I know. Weird right?
GLORIA
So we’ve got time. Anyone feel like breaking down a deer with me?
KOZLOWSKI
I would be delighted.
GLORIA
Great. Get over here, big guy. Leif, Ava, Caspar, you want to brainstorm some imaginary-city-on-the-moon-solutions?
CASPAR
Okay.
GLORIA
How about some music?
ZEBULON
An excellent idea, Gloria, in keeping with our lunar theme, here’s The Benson Orchestra of Chicago with “Moon of my Dreams”.
(SONG: “MI LUNA FANTASTICA” BY THE BENSON ORCHESTRA OF CHICAGO)
THE INTERVIEWER
Of course it would be on the moon.
AVA
You did kind of set yourself up for failure. You basically asked her to make it impossible.
THE INTERVIEWER
I had to break-
AVA
Break the deadlock, I get it.
THE INTERVIEWER
You’d think that someone who’s endured what she has would welcome a fresh start, but she seems quite resistant.
LEIF
So. The moon. I’ve got some ideas...
GLORIA
You’re surprisingly quick breaking down that deer.
KOZLOWSKI
Thank you. It has been quite a long time since I have broken down an animal. But there are so many similarities across the natural world.
GLORIA
Uh...
ALVINA
Kozlowski is... Sometimes when people need a new life they need a new... face. Among other things.
GLORIA
Oh, that’s... weird.
KOZLOWSKI
Thank you.
ALVINA
How can you call anything weird while you’re in this place?
GLORIA
I know what you mean.
ALVINA
So you really just... show up wherever?
GLORIA
Pretty much.
ALVINA
What’s your favourite place you’ve been?
GLORIA
Ooh. It’s hard to pick. There was this really great guy on a derelict spaceship one time.
ALVINA
Oh.
GLORIA
I guess that’s the thing. It’s the people, not the places for me. The places are beautiful but the people, they’re from lightyears away and they might as well be from my old neighbourhood. Universe after universe of people just trying to get through the day and maybe needing some help to do it.
ALVINA
If it’s all so amazing, why hasn’t she found a place to be?
GLORIA
Well... you’re not getting old right now.
ALVINA
What do you mean?
GLORIA
It’s a shifting point of null entropy. Or something. When you’re here, time doesn’t pass. According to Ava, when Kepler finally got his mom freed from prison, she died soon after returning home. As soon as she picks a place, she won’t be there for long... She’s picking a place to die. That’s a hard spot to find.
ALVINA
You don’t age?
GLORIA
No.
ALVINA
So, how old are you?
GLORIA
None of us have been here that long, I’m not from the 1800s or something. But Caspar, Caspar’s been here a long time.
ALVINA
Are you all looking for a place to be?
GLORIA
We were. We found it.
CASPAR
There’s a city on the moon?
LEIF
Oh yeah. I mean, there was in my timeline, I’m assuming there’s one in this one.
THE INTERVIEWER
Certainly it would’ve been seen by now.
LEIF
It’s on the dark side of the moon.
CASPAR
Oh, so we can’t see it because it’s always dark there.
LEIF
Caspar, no.
THE INTERVIEWER
We’ve seen the dark side of the moon.
CASPAR
We haven’t seen the dark side of the moon, it’s always dark there.
LEIF
It’s not.
AVA
Is he doing his dark side of the moon thing again?
LEIF
Yes.
AVA
(LAUGHS) I love it.
CASPAR
It’s called the dark side of the moon.
THE INTERVIEWER
We’ve seen pictures of the dark side of the moon.
CASPAR
They must be pretty dark pictures.
LEIF
It’s cloaked, hiding things from Earth is pretty easy.
CASPAR
Yeah, easy because it’s in complete darkness all the time.
LEIF
Caspar.
AVA
No, keep going, he literally can’t get it.
CASPAR
What’s there to get? It’s the dark side of the moon, it’s always dark there.
LEIF
No, it’s not.
CASPAR
Yes, it is.
AVA
It’s like giving a calculator to a gibbon.
LEIF
I’m moving on. There’s a city on the dark side of the moon. More like a small town.
THE INTERVIEWER
What goes on there?
LEIF
It started as a relay station for something called Earth Portal, but, y’know, the people who worked there had to live somewhere, then someone decides to open a General Store, then a bar. It’s not a bad place.
THE INTERVIEWER
And she could live there?
LEIF
Theoretically.
CASPAR
She’s not going to be depressed living in all that darkness?
LEIF
Do I have to literally show you a picture?
AVA
No, don’t ruin it, his stupidity is too beautiful.
CASPAR
What are you talking about?
LEIF
If you can get her to agree that this is as close to... what is it?
AVA
Levania.
LEIF
...As close to Levania as we can get, then we just need to find a way to get her to the moon.
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh, is that all?
LEIF
I mean, it’s right there.
THE INTERVIEWER
It’s four hundred-thousand kilometres away.
LEIF
And we’ve never been closer to finding this lady a home. Let’s do this. Sell it to her.
THE INTERVIEWER
Sell her the moon?
CASPAR
Everybody’s got to live somewhere.
THE INTERVIEWER
ALVINA?
ALVINA
What?
THE INTERVIEWER
A word.
CASPAR
Who’s the one in charge here? I’m getting mixed signals.
THE INTERVIEWER
It would depend entirely on the person being asked.
ALVINA
What is it?
THE INTERVIEWER
We must arrange a trip to the far side of the moon.
CASPAR
Where it’s dark.
THE INTERVIEWER
...Where it is dark.
ALVINA
The moon?
THE INTERVIEWER
The moon.
ALVINA
We’re building a rocket ship now?
THE INTERVIEWER
Well, ideally we would simply use someone else's.
ALVINA
“Simply?”
THE INTERVIEWER
Who do we have in French Guiana?
ALVINA
I don’t know. I can make some calls.
THE INTERVIEWER
Excellent.
ALVINA
I’m guessing my mobile service isn’t great here on another planet.
LEIF
If you stand by the door it should be fine.
ALVINA
What does French Guiana have to do with anything?
LEIF
It’s where the ESA launches from.
ALVINA
What are we about to do? Duct tape her to a rocket?
LEIF
It’s not a bad idea.
AVA
The visual is certainly funny.
THE INTERVIEWER
We need a list of options, however ridiculous.
ALVINA
Okay, I guess I’m calling French Guiana.
LEIF
I’ll go with you, I’ve got some questions.
THE INTERVIEWER
What is the name of this alleged city?
LEIF
Honestly, everybody just calls it Moon City.
THE INTERVIEWER
They had the opportunity to name a city on the moon and decided on “Moon City?”
CASPAR
London literally means “Place of the Beaver.”
THE INTERVIEWER
That is not historically supported!
LEIF
Call it whatever you want. She’s not going to know.
AVA
This is good, this is progress. We just need to sell her on Moon City now.
THE INTERVIEWER
Very well. Frau Kepler, we have considered your request.
KATHARINA
It is not a request, it is a demand.
THE INTERVIEWER
We have addressed your demands.
KATHARINA
Continue.
THE INTERVIEWER
You have requested... You have requested something quite beautiful, in all honesty. You have requested that you be whisked away to a magical city on the moon. This was an idea created by your son. A great man. He imagined that his mother would weave magic and take them both up into the stars... This is not an unusual fantasy. Surely there is a time for all of us in our lives when we see our mothers as magical beings. With a wave of a wooden spoon, there is dinner. With a wrapping of fabric and a kiss, a wound is healed. With an embrace, all darkness is dispelled. For a time, as a child, everyone’s mother is a witch. A sorceress. A commander of eldritch forces... And then as we reach adulthood, the feeling fades. We begin to see our mothers as human. Fallible. As flawed as we all are... Though somehow, your son, well into adulthood was able to imagine his mother as a magical being... You wish to honour his vision, as any mother would.
KATHARINA
Then you understand.
THE INTERVIEWER
I do... As it happens, your son was not writing fiction. As I have just learned, there is a city on the moon. It is not called Levania. But there on the side of the moon hidden from our world, is a city. People live there happily. And should you agree that this city, though it is not the fictional city of your son’s imaginings, will suffice... we will send you there, where you can begin a new life.
KATHARINA
How would you do it?
AVA
We’re working on that right now.
CASPAR
It’s not magic, but if anyone can get you there, it’s this group of weirdos.
GLORIA
She can just live on the moon? Last I checked it was cold there. And also had no oxygen.
AVA
I’m assuming that’s taken care of by the city she’s staying in, but it’s a good point. Living on the moon would be pretty hard on the human body. Low gravity wreaks havoc on bone density, muscle mass, also your eyes. Reflection from the white surface of the moon can give you the equivalent of snow blindness. It would be great if you could go to the moon with a brand new body.
KOZLOWSKI
Challenge accepted, Madam.
CASPAR
(TO AVA) This guy’s so creepy.
AVA
(TO CASPAR) I know, I love it.
KOZLOWSKI
While the others set their efforts toward fashioning you a chariot to the stars, I shall be given the glorious task of transforming you into a lunar being. We shall strengthen your bones, we shall enliven your muscle mass, and your eyes, we shall make them photochromic to protect them from the harsh light. You shall become a creature of the stars.
CASPAR
(TO AVA)
“And all I require is the blood of a Spanish Prince.”
AVA
(TO CASPAR)
“And the eyes of thirteen albino Chihuahuas.”
CASPAR
Mwa-ha-ha-ha-
AVA
Mwa-ha-ha-ha.
THE INTERVIEWER
Do you mind?
CASPAR
Sorry.
ALVINA
(ON THE PHONE.)
So there are no direct launches at all? Not for the next three years? Great. Yeah, I’ll call you back.
LEIF
What’s the deal?
ALVINA
No launches from French Guiana in the next three years. The ESA is part of the Artemis moon mission, they're contributing to the power systems for the manned rocket and are handling the space station that’s going to orbit the moon, but they’re not going to land.
LEIF
That’s better actually.
ALVINA
How?
LEIF
A manned mission isn’t going to go to the far side of the moon, but a space station will.
ALVINA
What? You’re just going to drop her from the space station?
LEIF
When’s the first launch?
ALVINA
Six weeks.
LEIF
Okay... okay... So you’d need a stasis chamber that can work like a soft lander. I can arrange for pickup after she’s dropped off.
ALVINA
You can just deliver her to the moon like she’s an amazon package?
LEIF
That depends, how’s your tech guy?
ALVINA
He’s... alright. Probably better with explosives than stasis chambers.
LEIF
Get him on the phone. I’ve got a very long grocery list for him.
(DIALS)
ALVINA
Okay... Buongiorno, Salvatore... I’ve got... a bit of a big ask.
THE INTERVIEWER
ALVINA - ask him to get Luke involved!
ALVINA
Oh - yes - Hell! Great idea!
LEIF
Hell?
ALVINA
Don't worry about it! We'll fix the stasis chamber! It might be shaped like a skull and have glowing eyes but it'll work!
LEIF
... Great.
KATHARINA
So you will put me into a cocoon, yes? I will transform into a butterfly there on the moon?
THE INTERVIEWER
That is what we propose.
KATHARINA
But this is not Levania.
THE INTERVIEWER
It is not.
KATHARINA
... I want to ask the talking box.
ZEBULON
I believe she means us, dear.
EFFIE
I gathered.
CASPAR
This is interesting.
KATHARINA
What does your God say about the soul of the fugitive? About one who searches for home?
ZEBULON
The bible says quite a great deal about searching for a home. Much of the beginnings of our faith are stories of the fugitive. Stories of the lost.
EFFIE
So much so that I’d struggle to pick one. But I suppose Ruth comes to mind.
ZEBULON
Ruth was a Moabite woman who married an Israelite. When there was a great famine, Ruth and her mother in law Naomi, both lost their husbands and were bereft. They left the land that was their home and wandered, and they found themselves in Bethlehem. The people of Bethlehem took them in as if they were their own and found a safe place in those rolling fields of Barley. Ruth remarried and gave birth to Obed, and Obed was the grandfather of King David himself.
EFFIE
It is the fugitive that gives birth to kings, Katherine. Often times it is the refugee that is the seed of a great land, for only they can truly know the value of having a land to call their own.
KATHARINA
I will not be giving birth to kings or creating kingdoms.
EFFIE
Well, to hear the others tell it, you already did that. A great many people have a great many wonderful things to say about that son of yours. Most look up at the stars and see a great mystery and it seems as though your son looked up and said “No. No, it can all make sense. I’ll make sense of it. I’ll start at one side of the sky and work my way across. That will be my life.” Makes sense to me for you to rise up into that sky. It’s a kingdom that he made for you.
KATHARINA
... He was a good boy... Very well. I will go.
GLORIA
Oh, shit.
AVA
Amazing.
THE INTERVIEWER
Excellent. Alvina? Next steps?
ALVINA
Well, it’s simple. All we have to do now is escape this alien planet, escape this magical diner that will be surrounded by the police any second, then put Katharina through some VERY complicated surgeries, have Luke and Salvatore build some sort of stasis chamber, AND sneak it on board a rocket bound for The Moon’s orbit, and we have to do all of that in six weeks.
THE INTERVIEWER
Simple enough.
ALVINA
Sure.
THE INTERVIEWER
Frau Kepler. Gather your things. It is time to leave the woods.
KATHARINA
I have no things. I only have myself.
THE INTERVIEWER
For a journey such as this, that is all that one needs.
(WE MOVE TO THE ROOF OF THE DINER. THE DINER IS SURROUNDED BY A POLICE BARRICADE)
THE INTERVIEWER
Why is it that the London Police are never inept when you need them to be?
GLORIA
Do you have a plan to get out of here?
ALVINA
I called upstairs. She's about to pick us up.
CASPAR
Upstairs?
ALVINA
That's what we call the boss.
CASPAR
Huh. And how is she picking you up?
ALVINA
Apparently in a helicopter. She's on her way.
THE INTERVIEWER
She can fly a helicopter? I had no idea.
ALVINA
I didn't know either.
KATHARINA
A flying machine?
CASPAR
Spends weeks on another planet and she’s amazed by a damn helicopter.
GLORIA
Leif, when are we getting a helicopter?
LEIF
I hate helicopters. Let’s get a hovercraft.
GLORIA
Not the same.
KOZLOWSKI
And they are always dwelling within the radio?
AVA
Pretty much. I mean sometimes they have a day out. Sometimes they’re robots.
KOZLOWSKI
Fascinating.
EFFIE
I don’t like it when the big one looks at us.
ZEBULON
I am uncomfortable.
KATHARINA
I will be glad to leave this place behind. Too many unknown things here.
CASPAR
I think your recent experiences with witch trials has made you too paranoid Katharina.
KATHARINA
And you are too trusting.
CASPAR
I’m too trusting. You’re the one who just agreed to get carved up by Viggo the Carpathian over there.
(THE HELICOPTER APPROACHES)
THE INTERVIEWER
I imagine we’ll leave you in quite a mess once we’ve gone.
AVA
Don’t worry about us.
LEIF
We always let in the customers but we’ve also gotten really good at keeping people out.
THE INTERVIEWER
Including the entire City of London Police force?
LEIF
Oh, yes.
KATHARINA
You. You are like my son?
AVA
Me? Sure, in a way.
KATHARINA
You will guard his legacy? After I am gone?
AVA
Yes. I promise.
(THE HELICOPTER IS NOW HOVERING ABOVE THE DINER)
AMELIA
(SHOUTS)
There’s no room to land! You have to climb the ladder!
(AMELIA THROWS A LADDER OUT)
THE INTERVIEWER
It's incredible how it can stay still in the air like that!
ALVINA
(SHOUTS)
I didn't know you knew how to fly a helicopter!
AMELIA
I don't! Now hurry up before gravity finds out!
ALVINA
I'll go first Katharina, then you follow me.
KOZLOWSKI
Then I will follow behind and make sure you do not fall.
(ALVINA, KOZLOWSKI AND KATHERINE CLIMB THE LADDER)
THE INTERVIEWER
This has been quite an odd experience.
GLORIA
You’ve handled it very well.
THE INTERVIEWER
... Shall we all meet again, do you think?
GLORIA
We will. We already have. We are right now.
THE INTERVIEWER
... Right. Best of luck to you all... Midnight Burger.
(THE INTERVIEWER CLIMBS THE LADDER)
GLORIA
Good luck to you, Amelia Project.
THE INTERVIEWER
(SHOUTS FROM THE LADDER)
"What a strange world we live in... Said Alice to the Queen of hearts.”
THE HELICOPTER FLIES AWAY. AS IT’S ALMOST GONE...
CASPAR
Oh, like Amelia Earhart.
AVA
Right.
CASPAR
Because she disappeared.
AVA
Yes.
CASPAR
Now I get it.
THE END.
(AMELIA THEME, BUT THROUGH OLD SPEAKERS)
Featuring Alan Burgon, Hemi Yeroham, Julia C. Thorne, Julia Morizawa, Anna-Maria Everett, Siouxsie Suarez, Neal Starbird, Julie Cowden-Starbird, Tom Moorman.