The Christmas Thief
An Amelia Project Christmas poem inspired by “A Visit from St. Nicholas.”
Pip:
'Twas the night before Christmas and doing his rounds,
the watchman from Hamleys was struck by odd sounds.
From the cuddly toy section came a pitter pat pat,
it was followed by a curse, a shriek and a splat.
“Who’s that?” cried the watchman and grabbed a toy gun,
“I’ll shoot” he threatened, breaking into a run.
He saw the intruder, dressed all in black,
hastily stuffing toys in a sack.
“Let go of that bear!” the watchman commanded,
“The game is up, I’ve caught you red handed!”
The thief complied and let go of the bear,
fixing the gun with a terrified stare.
He tried to escape but tripped over a sleigh,
colliding with the Christmas display.
“Don’t move!” the watchman yelled at the thief,
“I’m stuck!” came a voice from under a wreath.
Oystein:
Now let’s cut away from this hullabaloo,
and visit our friends at Amelia HQ.
They’re taking a break from death and disguise,
and treating themselves to punch and mince pies.
Cards have streamed in from near and far,
from Bexleyheath and Panama,
from clients in castles and beaches and caves,
thanking the team for their escapades.
Interviewer
Listen up everyone! It is my ambition,
to keep up an important Christmas tradition.
I’ll read the cards out here and now,
I’ll do it with flair and pizazz and know-how!
(He clears his throat, then starts reading)
“Ta” it says here, “I love my new life!
Without you Amber would now be my wife!”
“Cheers” says this one, “for my death on the stage,
accounting in Middlesborough is all the rage!”
(Scottish accent)
“Slainte!” says this card, “Though I loved the Bahamas,
I am pure done in from rum-induced dramas!
But failing means your playin! No patchin’ this mama -
Now I’m in Peru winchin a llama!”
Amelia:
Enough with the cards! Don’t get me wrong,
but we deal with our clients all year long.
I appreciate that they keep us updated,
But what I want now, is to get royally wasted.
Alvina:
I second that thought and I’ve got just the thing,
remember the death of Antonio Fring?
We brought him back as a Hungarian doctor;
in return he gave us this gingerbread vodka!
Interviewer:
Vodka in cocoa, now that’s quite the treat!
Amelia:
That’s crazy! A liquor is best consumed neat!
Alvina:
Let’s raise a glass to this passing year,
the busiest in our death fraud career.
Slashings and stabbings and shootouts aplenty,
has meant that our in-tray has never been empty.
Oystein:
They laugh and they cheer and their glasses clink,
but something happens before they can drink;
a whiff from the kitchen, something is brewing,
and whoever is cooking knows not what they’re doing.
Amelia:
Open the windows! Let in some fresh air!
Did something go wrong in Kozlowski’s lair?
This stink is not something for the fainthearted!
It smells like a horse ate a donkey, then farted!
Alvina:
It’s my fault, I’m sorry, I made a mistake!
I should never have let Kozlowski bake!
He may be a genius when it comes to disguise,
but this knowledge does not extend to mince pies!
Oystein:
She fights through the fog like a north pole husky.
Alvina:
I must save the kitchen right now from Kozlowski!
Oystein:
She runs to the oven to retrieve the mince pies…
Alvina:
They’re gigantic and green and covered in… eyes!
Interviewer:
Alvina! You need fresh air and a snack,
I think you’re having a panic attack.
You’ve barely eaten a thing since your lunch,
and all you’ve been drinking is sherry and punch!
Alvina:
It’s true, I swear, come over and see!
Those creepy pies are staring at me!
Also, my mind is perfectly stable,
and I could drink you under the table!
Oystein:
After all this havoc the pies did wreak,
You’d think that the mayhem had reached its peak.
But after Kozlowski’s kitchen danger,
Christmas was about to get even stranger…
Pip:
From the chimney the sound of clattering and rumbling,
and into the fireplace a figure came tumbling.
“Shit! I’m burning!” he said with a yelp,
“Water, water, somebody help!”
Oystein:
Alvina dashed through the room full throttle,
and without second thought grabbed hold of a bottle.
She emptied the liquid over the guy,
causing the flames to flare up high.
Amelia:
That’s cognac Alvina, stop right away!
I was saving that for Christmas day!
All I wanted was some relaxation,
but now I’m watching a living cremation.
Pip:
And that is where our story ends,
thank you all for listening friends!
Oystein:
Hang on Pip, we can’t leave it here,
we have to end with some Christmas cheer!
Pip:
I think we’ve provided cheer aplenty,
and after all this is twenty twenty.
Oystein:
If we end it now, on such shocking news,
we’re going to get even more bad reviews.
Now come on Pip, let’s give it a bash,
let’s save this guy from burning to ash.
Pip:
The window! It’s open because of the stink!
We can do something with that… think Oystein think!
Oystein:
It’s snowing outside and in the moonlight,
Joey and Salvatore are having a fight.
A snowball misses Joey’s head,
and whizzes through the window instead!
It hits the man and puts out the fire,
that makes the ending a lot less dire.
But wait, there’s more, who is this man?
Does this tie up with where we began?
Interviewer:
I know you! I’ve seen you before I swear…
with a red velvet suit and silky white hair?
The saddest santa I’d ever come near!
Which is why I gave you a new career.
You said you were tired of endless giving,
and instead wanted to take away for a living.
Your transformation was the easy part,
changing the reindeer, now that was an art!
But Klaus! Why come back to the Amelia team?
We faked your death in two thousand eighteen!
You don’t like your life? You feel remorse?
The reindeer doesn’t like being a horse?
Pip:
Klaus concedes that his life as a crook,
hasn’t exactly gone to the book.
He needs the team to help him once more,
and let him return to his life from before.
“I used to be Santa, and now I’m St. Nick,
and nicking toys gave me such a kick!
But I fear ending up in the nick - don’t you see!
To steal has appeal, but I’d rather be free!
Robbing Hamleys almost left me dead,
and anyway, I miss wearing red.
I’ll pay you handsomely with my loot,
just give me back my santa suit.”
Oystein:
And so to Alvina’s great dismay,
the gingerbread vodka is put away.
At The Amelia Project there is no leave,
even when it is Christmas Eve.
Pip:
And so we leave our merry crew,
doing what they’re born to do.
Prosthetics, passports, a costume fitting;
“Hurry!” says Klaus, “the clock is ticking!”
“We must move fast, no time to slack,
Rovaniemi needs its Santa back!
The Christmas bells are about to chime,
I need to get back home in time!”
Kozlowski works swiftly and with great flair,
fattening his belly and whitening his hair.
An hour later he looks plump and jolly,
his hair like snow, his cheeks like holly.
But what about Rudolph? We mustn’t forget!
By now Kozlowski is breaking a sweat.
With the aid of a bone saw and a power shear,
the world’s foulest horse is again a reindeer!
It’s time for Klaus to be on his way,
the team accompany him to his sleigh.
And they hear him exclaim, ere he flies out of sight,
Everyone:
HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT!