PATREON EXCLUSIVE: BUBBLE BATH - BONUS EPISODE
WARNING: EXPLICIT LANGUAGE.
PHILIP
Hello dear patrons, hope you enjoyed the season premiere. The next episode comes out next week, and after that there’ll be new episodes every two weeks up until Christmas. You’ll have the opportunity to ask us questions throughout the season, there’ll be Cocoa Corner Q and A live streams coming with Øystein Brager, Anders Pedersen, Julia Morizawa and Fredrik Baden. More info on all of that soon.
Today we have a bonus episode for you, which gives you a deeper insight into the two new characters you heard in the season premiere: CIA agents Jackie Williams and Mia Fox. Best enjoyed with a cup of cocoa - or a Bloody Mary…
PROLOGUE
DULLES INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT.
AT CHECK IN. HUBBUB. VOICES, SUITCASE WHEELS PASSING.
MIA APPROACHES WITH HER SUITCASE AND STOPS.
MIA
Jackie Williams?
JACKIE
Sorry?
MIA
It's so good to see you again!
JACKIE
Who are you?
MIA
Mia!
JACKIE
Mia who?
MIA
Mia Fox!
JACKIE
Yes?
MIA
We met at the agency conference three years ago.
JACKIE
Did we?
MIA
We were at the same table for dinner, I got drinks for everyone, you complained that there wasn't enough Tabasco in your Bloody Mary -
JACKIE
They never use enough Tabasco.
MIA
So you remember me?
JACKIE
No.
MIA
We've also met at two agency Christmas parties.
JACKIE
Sorry.
MIA
And at my best friend's wedding, you were a best woman for the groom -
JACKIE
Ben?
MIA
Yes! I was the one who wore that huge yellow dress which ripped in half when we did the limbo dance!
JACKIE
Huh.
MIA
So you do remember me?!
JACKIE
No.
MIA
Oh… Oh. Uhm. Anyway. You're my new partner!
JACKIE
No. You're my new partner.
MIA
Uh - I mean, we're... we’re each other's new partners?
JACKIE
No. Let's get this straight. I already had a partner.
MIA
Agent Lopez. I mean, ex-agent Lopez.
JACKIE
Yes. You did not have a partner. You worked a desk job.
MIA
I'm not just a pen pusher, I have black belts in both -
JACKIE
Which means, you're my new partner. Have you checked in?
MIA
Yes.
JACKIE
Good. Let's head through security. There's a bar not too far from the gate.
MIA
Sure.
THEY START WALKING, WHEELING THEIR CARRY-ONS ALONG.
JACKIE
This whole trip is such a waste...
MIA
Listen, I don't know exactly what happened, but I heard it was quite something -
JACKIE
I don't want to talk about it.
MIA
Okay. Listen, drinks are on me.
JACKIE
Oh? Thanks.
MIA
Yeah. To celebrate our new partnership. May it be fruitful and mutually beneficial.
JACKIE
Huh...
MIA
Bloody Mary, extra Tabasco?
JACKIE
Sounds good.
MIA
And then you'll tell me about what happened with agent Lopez!
JACKIE
Nope, not yet.
THEY TRAIL OFF INTO THE DISTANCE.
THEME TUNE
HEATHROW AIRPORT.
BAGGAGE RECLAIM. HUBBUB.
A FAINT TANNOY MESSAGE IN THE BACKGROUND.
JACKIE
Why do I always get my suitcase last?!
MIA
Relax. We're not in a hurry.
JACKIE
It's so typical! Yours was like the first one out!
MIA
Focus on the positive things! You're back in London!
JACKIE
Prff.
MIA
You didn't want to make the trip back to the US in the first place, did you?
JACKIE
Exactly! I didn't want to make this trip, but I had to because of fucking Lopez… I didn't want to fly across the Atlantic, I didn't want to hang around in Washington, I didn't want to feel obligated to see my old folks, I didn't want a new partner, I didn't want to fly across the Atlantic again two days later, and I don't want to stand here waiting for my fucking luggage!
MIA
It's not that bad.
JACKIE
No? Huh! I’m so tired my jet lag has got a jet lag. There's so much lag in me, I'm a day behind.
MIA
In which case you'll be happy to know the Washington Nationals beat the Cardinals.
JACKIE
What? Damn!
MIA
I thought you'd be a Nationals fan?
JACKIE
I am, but I had money on them loosing. Ah, that's my suitcase! No, it's not.
MIA
Why don't we spend this time doing something fun?
JACKIE
Like what?
MIA
You could tell me what happened to Lopez!
JACKIE
(GROANS)
Oh my God…
MIA
Why did you have to escort her home?
JACKIE
Didn't I say I didn't want to talk about it?
MIA
Please. I've waited a whole transatlantic plane ride for you to spill the tea! Also, the last few days I've spent such much time studying the brief for The Amelia Project case, I haven't had a spare second to indulge in saucy agency rumors.
JACKIE
You know, Mia, it really wasn't that saucy.
MIA
I heard it was saucy.
JACKIE
It wasn't saucy. I just… walked in on her.
MIA
Walked in on her?
JACKIE
In a hotel room. With a guy from Saudi Arabia.
MIA
What, just any old guy from Saudi Arabia?
JACKIE
Yeah… Any old secret agent from Saudi Arabia.
MIA
Ooh! And what were they doing in her hotel room?
JACKIE
Checking out the amenities.
MIA
Which amenities?
JACKIE
The bubble bath. Now where is that bloody suitcase?
MIA
I'm assuming they were… testing the bubble bath?
JACKIE
They weren't particularly well dressed, if that's what you're asking.
MIA
As in…
JACKIE
They weren't dressed at all.
MIA
Hohohohooo! Tough to loose your badge just for taking a bath...
JACKIE
It wasn't the bath salts Miss Kennedy had a problem with.
MIA
Miss Kennedy - she's the head of the London office?
JACKIE
Yeah, you'll meet her later.
MIA
So what did Miss Kennedy have a problem with?
JACKIE
She had a problem with the fact that agent Lopez and foreign agent Al-Sabani were testing how easy it would be to snort cocaine off of the edge of a bath tub using a rolled up classified document.
MIA
Saucy.
JACKIE
Yeah, maybe a little saucy.
MIA
How long had you been partners?
JACKIE
Five years in the Middle East, then two here in London. Seven years... Before I had to escort her back to the US in handcuffs.
MIA
I'm sorry.
JACKIE
Don't be. I'm over it.
MIA
Really?
JACKIE
Really!
MIA
Hm, if you say so.
JACKIE
I always knew Lopez had a thing for…
MIA
What… Cocaine? Saudi Arabians? Ooh! Treason?
JACKIE
Bubble baths. There's my suitcase - ! Oh, for fucks sake! No! No! Look at it! Hngh!
LIFTS HER SUITCASE OFF THE LUGGAGE RECLAIM.
SHE PLONKS IT DOWN ON THE FLOOR.
It's all bashed up! And the lock's fucking broken! Fucking Heathrow motherfucking luggage handlers! I'm gonna find them and I'm gonna do exactly the same thing to their fucking faces as they've done to my suitcase!
MIA
Absolutely sure you're not still upset about Lopez?
JACKIE
No, I'm over it! Now where's the fucking info desk? I'm gonna complain so fucking hard the air port staff will wish they were never fucking born! Fucking incompetent bloody fucking idiots! They have no fucking respect for people's fucking private fucking property!
SHE DRAGS HER BROKEN SUITCASE OFF.
MIA
(TO HERSELF)
Saucy.
IN THE CAR. MIA AND JACKIE ARE DRIVING TO THE EMBASSY.
MIA
So, what do you make of this "Amelia Project"?
JACKIE
I don't know yet.
MIA
You've read the brief?
JACKIE
I looked it over, yeah.
MIA
I've read it three or four times. Do you know what gets me?
JACKIE
What?
MIA
The cocoa...
JACKIE
The what?
MIA
The cocoa.
JACKIE
What are you talking about?
MIA
Are you kidding me?
JACKIE
What?
MIA
You really didn't notice the cocoa?
JACKIE
Uhm... no?
MIA
But you read the brief?
JACKIE
Yes, I've read it.
MIA
Then how could you not notice the cocoa!
JACKIE
What cocoa?
MIA
It was all over the recordings too! Did you not listen to them?
JACKIE
Those recordings were unintelligible! They were rendered through an Iranian bug, and then a Russian bug, and then a -
MIA
Analytics made transcripts! Are you sure you actually read the brief at all?
JACKIE
Well I am sorry if I've been to pre-occupied arresting double agents and securing national secrets to pay attention to every single detail in this new case!
MIA
You had plenty of time to study the brief on the plane back.
JACKIE
I tried to get some sleep, remember?
MIA
You went into a Bloody Mary-induced coma, more like it...
JACKIE
Are you accusing me of something?
MIA
I'm just saying I expect the same from my partner as I expect from myself. Total dedication and unrelenting professionalism.
JACKIE
Then I don't think you know who you're talking to!
MIA
No?
JACKIE
No.
MIA
Okey. Who am I talking to?
JACKIE
Special Agent Jackie Williams of the CIA -
MIA
I know your name and title...
JACKIE
- two time recipient of the Hostile Action Service Medal, youngest ever recipient of the Career Intelligence Medal and first woman ever to receive the Intelligence Star during training.
MIA
Okay, wow.
JACKIE
What have you got?
MIA
I... eh... am... known for being really thorough when I read briefs...
JACKIE
Right. Then I suggest don't you come here and tell me I'm not dedicated or professional.
MIA
I'm sorry.
JACKIE
When did you graduate?
MIA
Three years ago. I've been with surveillance.
JACKIE
And this is your first field job. I'm breaking you in, aren't I?
MIA
I guess. Wait, did you just say you were awarded the Intelligence Star when you were still training?
JACKIE
Yeah.
MIA
H-how?! That medal is given for "extraordinary heroism"!
JACKIE
In my final year, a group of us were sent to Turkmenabat on a training mission. It was meant to be an easy fix -
A CAR HONKS AS IT PASSES.
JACKIE
- we were supposed to help extract a Turkmeni encryption specialist -
MIA
Jackie -
ANOTHER CAR HONKS.
JACKIE
- but it turned out the Russians had also got wind of this guy.
MORE HONKING FROM OTHER CARS.
MIA
Jackie…
JACKIE
They turned up, ten of them, guns blazing -
MIA
Jackie...
JACKIE
- and me and a senior agent end up being taken hostage -
MIA
Jackie!
JACKIE
Just a sec, I'm in the middle of a story here!
MIA
But -
JACKIE
You asked! So, we're kept in a barn somewhere near Garabekewul when I notice -
MORE AND MORE HONKING FROM PASSING CARS.
MIA
JACKIE!
JACKIE
What?! This is where it get's interesting!
MIA
I think you're driving on the wrong side of the road!
HOOONK! HOOONK!
JACKIE
Oh shit! Fuck!
JACKIE SWERVES OFF THE ROAD, RUNS THROUGH A BUSH, KNOCKS OVER A SIGN OR SOMETHING.
JACKIE
Shit, fuck, fuck, fuck!
JACKIE SUCKS HER TEETH AS SHE BREAKS.
THE BREAKS SCREECH AND THE CAR STOPS WITH A "PLONK".
JACKIE TURNS THE ENGINE OFF.
JACKIE
(EXHALES LOUDLY)
Yeah, so, anyway, the point of the story is that I am very good at my job.
MIA
Sure.
JACKIE
Uhm... Do you mind if we stay here for just a sec before we drive off again?
MIA
No, no that's fine.
JACKIE
So. The Amelia Project, huh? Tell me about this cocoa.
MIA
Well, basically they drink it all the time. They offer it to all their clients and the guy who does the interviews for them, he seems to drink 5 to 10 cups a day.
JACKIE
(WHISTLES)
That's a lot of cocoa.
MIA
If that's what it is.
JACKIE
What do you mean?
MIA
At first, I thought it was a code. But the more I looked at it, the less that made any sense. The clients have just walked trough the door, so it's not a code between them and this interviewer guy. The Amelia Project record all of their interviews, so I then thought maybe it's a code for whoever listens back to the tapes, but I couldn't find any pattern to when they would mention cocoa and what that could mean. And then there's the fact that they're actually drinking it.
JACKIE
Not just talking about it?
MIA
Exactly. So I'm pretty sure it's not a code. But then, what is it?
JACKIE
Cocoa? Oh, it's just another word for hot chocolate.
MIA
Yeah, I know what cocoa means!
JACKIE
Sure, I just -
MIA
Apparently, the stuff they serve is amazing. It's directly shipped from some fancy café in Paris.
JACKIE
Right… Wouldn't it be cold by the time it arrived in London?
MIA
I guess it could be reheated?
JACKIE
Sure.
MIA
If it is cocoa at all.
JACKIE
What are you saying?
MIA
What if it isn't?
JACKIE
I'm not following...
MIA
What if it actually is... a drug? That they call "cocoa"? Or which is mixed into the cocoa!
JACKIE
A drug?
MIA
Yes.
JACKIE
What kind of drug?
MIA
I don't know!
JACKIE
You said this interviewer guy is drinking it as well?
MIA
Gallons of it.
JACKIE
If they're drugging their clients, why would he take the same drug as well?
MIA
I don't know. He could be faking it, I guess, pretending to drink?
JACKIE
Why would they drug their clients in the first place?
MIA
I mean, let's say they're not actually helping people disappear. They're just stealing the client's money and then bumping them off.
JACKIE
Sure.
MIA
Then drugging them could make sense. It could be a drug that lowers your inhibitions, making the client more likely to reveal card details, hand over private information.
JACKIE
That makes sense.
MIA
Only, that doesn't make any sense, because we know for a fact that their operation is for real. Right?
JACKIE
Right. Because we have eyes on certain ex-clients?
MIA
Exactly. So what kind of drug is it?
JACKIE
A recreational drug?
MIA
You mean like a... treat?
JACKIE
Like when you offer someone a glass of Scotch to seal a deal.
MIA
No, cause they do that too.
JACKIE
Seal the deal with Scotch?
MIA
Well, with Veuve Clicquot.
JACKIE
All right. So what's your conclusion then?
MIA
I don't have one. I just know that when we find The Amelia Project, I'm gonna grab a sample of that cocoa and get it to a lab A - S - A - P.
JACKIE
Sure. Have fun.
MIA
What?
JACKIE
I just think you're about to discover a very good cocoa recipe. And nothing else. Listen, there are enough weird things about this case. Why get a hung up on their preferred beverage?
MIA
You don't think the cocoa is important?
JACKIE
I don't think cocoa is ever important. Give me a Bloody Mary, though, and we're talking...
JACKIE STARTS THE ENGINE.
MIA
Are you sure you're good to drive?
JACKIE
I'm fine.
MIA
I can take over if you want -
JACKIE
I said: I'm fine.
JACKIE DRIVES ONTO THE ROAD AGAIN.
MIA
...and you'll drive on the right side of the road this time?
JACKIE
Left! I'll drive on the goddamn left!
THEY DRIVE ONTO THE ROAD.
JACKIE
Goddamn fog-breathers. Why can't I be stationed somewhere warm? Like... like Australia!
MIA
You know they also drive on the wrong side of the -
JACKIE
Shut up!
MIA
I'm sorry if I'm a bit full on.
JACKIE
Agent Mia Fox. I think... I'm gonna like working with you.
MIA
Really?
JACKIE
You shoot from the hip, you don't mince your words and you don't give up. I appreciate that.
MIA
Thanks. I guess.
JACKIE
I have one piece of advice for you though. From a seasoned agent to a rookie...
MIA
Sweet...
JACKIE
Spend your energy on the important things. This job is tough enough as it is. Don't waste energy on... random side-quests.
MIA
I hear you.
JACKIE
Let's focus on hitting The Amelia Project offices, tracking down the plans for Anthony Welby's cybug, and getting our hands on their list of clients. That's the brief, that's what we're doing.
MIA
Sure thing. But there is something about that cocoa...
JACKIE
Forget about the cocoa!
MIA
There. Is. Something. About. That. Cocoa.
JACKIE
(SIGHS)
You really don't give up, do you?
MIA
Nope.
END THEME MUSIC.
PHILIP
This Patreon bonus episode was written and edited by Øystein Ulsberg Brager with story editing by Philip Thorne, sound design by Dominic Hargreaves and music by Fredrik Baden. The episode featured Jordan Cobb as Jackie Williams and Erin King as Mia Fox. Thank you all so so much for your support.
Now, a short blooper where Jordan reacts to reading the word Gara… Heh. I can’t say it myself! Eh, the, the capital of Turkmenistan for the very first time!
OYSTEIN
I’ve got to interrupt Pip here. The capital of Turkmenistan is Ashgabat. What Jordan is trying to pronounce here is the name of a smaller town that is just outside of Ashgabat, called Garbekwa - Garabuhkwu - G - Gar - anyhow, over to the blooper.
JORDAN
“You asked! So, we’re being kept in a barn somewhere near…” What the fuck?!
Sorry in advance for definitely butchering this…
THE END.
