SKETCH - FALSA MORTEM CONSULTANCY

PHILIP

Hello dear Patrons. During our most recent Cocoa Corner Video Livestream we performed a Sketch called Falsa Mortem Consultancy, telling a piece of backstory that was alluded to in episode 36 - Protein Bar. We’ve now also made a fully produced audio-version of that Sketch, which we’d like to share with you. Now, hope you enjoy it!

(SOFT ELEVATOR MUSIC STARTS, THEN THE SOUND OF A DOOR OPENING AND FOOTSTEPS AS ALVINA ENTERS THE INTERVIEWER'S OFFICE)

ALVINA

Here's today's client report.

INTERVIEWER

(DISTRACTED) Thank you. I'll shred it later.

ALVINA

What?

INTERVIEWER

(REALIZING WHAT HE SAID, LOOKING FOR WORDS) Read it! Read it later. Sorry. Freudian slip.

ALVINA

Well, just in case you slip it into the paper shredder, there's one thing you should know: Annie Gumbrie is coming straight from The Incognito Project and she is very unhappy with their services!

INTERVIEWER

(SURPRISED) Another one? That's the third Incognito client we've taken on this month!

ALVINA

Annie is willing to pay us a lot of money to fix the mess they've left her in. She specified in her Interview she was tired of being a butcher, and wanted to be a baker, and guess what they resurfaced her as!

INTERVIEWER

A candlestick maker?

ALVINA

A fishmonger! That's exactly like being a butcher - only it smells worse!

INTERVIEWER

Oh, not to worry! We have two identity vacancies as bakers: One as a specialist in Danish Pastry at the Royal Palace in Copenhagen, and one as a Dutch Pastry food cart vendor in Bandung.

ALVINA

Should we worry about the Incognito Project?

INTERVIEWER

Why?

ALVINA

Competition?

INTERVIEWER

As long as their disgruntled clients keep coming our way, I don't see the problem.

ALVINA

But they are also stealing clients.

INTERVIEWER

Like who?

ALVINA

Miss Usman!

INTERVIEWER

(SCOFFS) Ugh! Insurance scam! Boring!

ALVINA

Mr. Dobrovic!

INTERVIEWER

(EVEN LESS INTERESTED) Domestic squabble! Yawn!

ALVINA

The Alvarez Twins?

INTERVIEWER

(SCOFFS) I've already done twins this year!

ALVINA

So you are OK with The Incognito Project scooping up all our rejects?

INTERVIEWER

Well, there's High Tea and then there's a Quarter Pounder with Cheese, you know? The world has room for both.

ALVINA

But our finances are not looking good! We need bread and butter clients! Or "Quarter Pounder with Cheese"-clients.

INTERVIEWER

But aren't we doing really well with the pastry clients? Hm? Come on, you said it yourself, the ones disillusioned by The Incognito Project are willing to pay us really well to set things right!

ALVINA

But their cases always end up being ridiculously expensive!

INTERVIEWER

Why?

ALVINA

Because they always involve us fixing The Incognito Projects' blunders!

INTERVIEWER

(UNDERSTANDING) Ah. I see.

ALVINA

Right now, we're operating at a loss! Upstairs has asked me to sort it out, but I'm struggling to keep this ship afloat! Pimping out Joey really didn’t work!

INTERVIEWER

Uhm… You did what to Joey...?

ALVINA

Uh… Nothing?

INTERVIEWER

Oh! I know! We could rent out your office! You could sit next to the espresso machine in the hallway.

ALVINA

No!

INTERVIEWER

Why not?

ALVINA

I have a better idea. How about you don't send most of our clients packing?

INTERVIEWER

What, and take on uninteresting cases? Ugh, that's ridiculous! I'd be bored out of my mind!

ALVINA

We could streamline our process! As soon as you realize you have a boring case, you send them straight back to me, and I give them a run of the mill disappearance. We could use the Smart Coffins!

INTERVIEWER

(FAST) Alvina, Alvina, Alvina! Why are you still on about the Smart Coffins? Hm? I mean, I told you, it’s an idiotic idea! Practical, efficient, sure, but where's the flair? Oh, it's exciting the first time, may-be, but after that it’s just routine.

ALVINA

But that's what I'm saying! We can use them to do routine, income focused disappearances!

INTERVIEWER

We’re better than that.

ALVINA

What do you suggest then? How can we make more money?

(PAUSE)

INTERVIEWER

Sell the Smart Coffin.

ALVINA

I beg your pardon?

INTERVIEWER

Sell the design. (EXCITED INTAKE OF BREATH) I know - sell it to The Incognito Project! (EXCITED SQUEAL) A daft idea for a daft competitor! (LAUGHS)

ALVINA

Upstairs would never agree to selling anything to a competitor!

INTERVIEWER

(MATTER-OF-FACT, SMUG) Then don't tell her!

ALVINA

But what if she finds out? What if she meets someone from The Incognito Project and they start gloating?

INTERVIEWER

(KNOWINGLY-SMUG) Well... Then I guess they shouldn't buy it from us…

(SCENE CHANGES, A TELEPHONE RINGS. MATEO PICKS UP THE PHONE. ALVINA'S VOICE IS SOMEWHAT DISTORTED THROUGH THE PHONE)

MATEO

(STRESSED) Oh you called back, thank god.

ALVINA

(CONFUSED) Uhm - ?

MATEO

Thank you so much Doctor Rosenbloom, as I said in the message, this really just can not wait!

ALVINA

I'm not - (MATEO INTERRUPTS HER)

MATEO

Normally working this late! I know. But some situations do call for disturbing your therapist on a Friday evening, don't you think? Or- Or- is it Saturday morning where you are?

ALVINA

No, no, no, I'm not - (MATEO INTERRUPTS HER)

MATEO

Busy? Ha! That's great! I mean, responding to my every beck and call is what I'm paying you for, of course, but being the polite person that I am, I did try to save this for our Tuesday session. But... I gave up. I am at my wits end!

ALVINA

Please, just - (MATEO INTERRUPTS HER)

MATEO

Get started? Of course, no reason why you should hold me up. So... I'm in Europe!

(PAUSE, THEN DISBELIEVING CHUCKLE) The boss sent me across the pond to set up our European branch. You know, he said:

(IN A DEEPER VOICE, BUT NOT MOCKING)

"Mateo, if you do this well, you might one day be in line to succeed me!"

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Exciting, right? So, the pressure is on! And - ah, uh, listen, I've never said this to anyone else, Dr. Rosenbloom - ehm, everyone thinks I'm the picture of strength and tenacity, and that's a very important image for me to uphold - but the truth is, (ALMOST WHISPERING AS IF HE IS AFRAID SOMEONE COULD HEAR) I... don't... I don’t handle pressure all that well.

ALVINA

(HAS GIVEN UP TRYING TO CORRECT THE MISTAKE)

I'm sure you're no worse than anyone else -

MATEO

I mean, I am- I am a Glasscock, right? And because of that, there is a lot of expectation here. A Glasscock is firm! And hard! And strong!

ALVINA

(CONFUSED, BUT NOT SURE IF SHE WANTS TO KNOW) Glasscock...?

MATEO

Our family slogan is "Up with the dawn! Salute the day!" you know? I mean, for god’s sake - Our family song ends with the words:

(SINGS)

"Point forward to the future

If you're a Glasscock tooooooooo...

Cock-a-doodle-cock-a-doodle-cock-a-doodle-dooo!"

I mean, you’ve heard it, we’ve all heard it...

ALVINA

Well that's... beautiful...

MATEO (CON’T)

(QUIETLY) But sometimes Late at night… I think about… What if the only genes I inherited are from the Shufflebottom-side

(SHORT PAUSE)

Okay. You know when you're getting in line at the pharmacy and the person in front of you says "Why don't you go ahead, I- I'm only getting one thing" and you go past them, but then you notice that they say the same thing to the next person getting in line, and the next one after that and the next one after that, and when you come back to the pharmacy four hours later to get something you forgot, they're still at the back of the line clutching their Clonazepam-subscription?

(PAUSE, THEN A DEEP SIGH, HIS VOICE SHAKES A LITTLE)

That's a Shufflebottom.

ALVINA

(DOUBTFUL) I'm sure there's a silver lining...

MATEO

You know, last week I had a client who specifically wanted to be either a tinker, a tailor or a soldier. But I thought: What the hell even is a tinker, right? (SCOFFS) Boy, was she pissed when she found herself infiltrating a nuclear weapons summit in North Korea...

(UPSET)And I'm supposed to be Head of European Deaths and Disappearances! What am I thinking? (GETTING INCREASINGLY MORE UPSET) I'll never even be able to get this off the ground! I don't even know what death is called in French!

ALVINA

Mort.

MATEO

More what?

ALVINA

It's "Mort" in French.

MATEO

What's more than what in French?

ALVINA

(PRONOUNCING THE WORD AS CLEAR AS POSSIBLE) Death! It's (PAUSES BEFORE THE WORD SO IT STANDS ALONE) “mort”.

MATEO

(STILL NOT PICKING UP) There are... more deaths in France? Than… More than where? And why? Is it because they drink so much red wine?

ALVINA

Just… “mort”

MATEO

Is it because of those tiny cigarettes?

ALVINA

Mort!

MATEO

It’s because they’re so mean all the time, isn’t it?

ALVINA

(INCREASINGLY FRUSTRATED) Just, Death is mort! Mort!

MATEO

...more... sad? More profitable! More problematic? Aaah, I get it! You’re trying to ask me to tell you more. Okay, well, I gotta tell you Doc, I’m good, I think I’m done. Okay? You can shrink me now if you want.

ALVINA

(WITH EMPHASIS, FRUSTRATED, LOUD) Death in French is mort! M - O - R - T!

(PAUSE IN WHICH MATEO FINALLY UNDERSTANDS)

MATEO

(QUIETLY) Oh. Right. I didn’t… I didn’t hear the silent… uhm… ‘t’. (QUIETLY, MORE TO HIMSELF) So typical Shufflebottom, so stupid, so stupid

(HE HITS HIMSELF ON THE HEAD WITH EVERY REPETITION OF ‘STUPID’)

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid, stupid!

ALVINA

(NOT SURE HOW TO PROCEED) Well, this might be the time to tell you - I'm not Dr. Rosenbloom...

MATEO

I’m sorry?

ALVINA

I'm not your psychiatrist.

MATEO

Then who have I been talking to this whole time?

ALVINA

I'm - (HE INTERRUPTS HER)

MATEO

And why didn't you say something?

ALVINA

I tried, but you kept interr- (HE INTERRUPTS HER AGAIN)

MATEO

You let me spill my heart out to you! And THEN you tell me!? Now that is... that is... rude! (SIGHS LOUDLY) That’s something the real Dr. Rosenbloom and I are really gonna have to talk about!

ALVINA

It's just a misunderstanding. Don't worry about it!

MATEO

(SPLUTTERS) I- I- I- told you my deepest, innermost fears!

ALVINA

Sir, I'm calling from Falsa Mortem Consultancy!

MATEO

Who?

ALVINA

Falsa Mortem Consultancy.

MATEO

(CONFUSED) And that is...

ALVINA

We offer consulting services to the death faking industry.

MATEO

Nah! Thanks but no thanks, I don't need help.

ALVINA

Well - but you do, don't you?

MATEO

(FAST, VERY OBVIOUSLY LYING) Well, jokes on you, because I always lie to my psychiatrist… Because… she needs something to do! So. Everything you heard was just... a lie!

ALVINA

Was it a lie that you're setting up the European branch of The Incognito Project?

MATEO

(NOT SURE HOW TO ANSWER) Yeah-no. That was true.

ALVINA

And you're doing that single-handedly - (HURRIES) which is very brave.

MATEO

Yeah, well… A little bit...

ALVINA

But you are in dire need of something that will give you a leg up? An industry advantage!

MATEO

What are you saying?

ALVINA

I've got the perfect product for you.

MATEO

Don't tell me it's the gun with the rubber bullets. Because we tried that already, you know, everybody focuses on the rubber-part, but people forget about the bullet-part.

ALVINA

It's not a gun, no. It's a coffin. (PAUSE TO BUILD UP THE SUSPENSE) A Smart Coffin.

MATEO

Okay… I’m listening…

(ELEVATOR MUSIC SETS IN AGAIN)

CREDITS

Falsa Mortem Consultancy was written and edited by Øystein Ulsberg Brager with Sound Design by Dominic Hargreves and music by Frederik Baden. It featured Julia C. Thorne as Alvina, Alan Burgon as the Interviewer and Josh Callahan as Mateo. The Amelia Project is produced by Imploding Fictions with graphic design by Anders Pedersen. Thank you to Maty Parzival for production assistance and thank you to all of you for your support.

THE END