PATREON EXCLUSIVE: MARYA & DARIA - BONUS EPISODE
PHILIP
Hello dear patrons, hope you are enjoying season 3. We really couldn’t make this show without your support so we are incredibly grateful for your patronage, and to express our gratitude, we want to give you a little cocoa top up today. Here’s a bonus episode just for you: Marya and Daria. Hope you enjoy.
PROLOGUE
THE PRISON CANTEEN. NOISY HUBBUB.
CANTEEN LADY (IN RUSSIAN)
Next! Next!
THE SOUND OF GROSS FOOD SLAPPED ONTO A PLATE.
INTERVIEWER
Excuse me, do you know what’s for lunch today? I’ve been told not to eat the Stroganoff…
PRISONER
Hrmf.
INTERVIEWER
I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that?
DARIA
Hey! Prisoner! No talking!
INTERVIEWER
I’m sorry, I was just asking -
DARIA
I said no talking!
INTERVIEWER
Of course, I apologise -
DARIA
Are you answering back?
INTERVIEWER
I wasn’t - uh! Oh!
THE INTERVIEWER IS DRAGGED OFF BY DARIA. OTHER PRISONERS ARE GOING “OOOH!” AND “AHHH!” AND LAUGHING AT WHAT IS HAPPENING.
DARIA
This way! Now!
THE HUBBUB DIES DOWN AS THEY ROUND A CORNER AND CLOSE A DOOR.
DARIA
I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you, I just needed an excuse to speak to you in private.
INTERVIEWER
What?
DARIA
You helped Popov escape? Inmate 10642?
INTERVIEWER
Maybe.
DARIA
Me and a friend need your help.
INTERVIEWER
Oh. Well. I’m all ears.
DARIA
Not now. Meet us in the cleaning cupboard on level 4, block A, in one hour. Now, scream.
INTERVIEWER
Sorry?
DARIA
Scream!
DARIA SHOVES THE INTERVIEWER BACK INTO THE CANTEEN. THE INTERVIEWER SCREAMS.
DARIA SHOUTS IN RUSSIAN. THE PRISONERS LAUGH.
CANTEEN LADY (IN RUSSIAN)
Next! Next!
INTERVIEWER
Uhm, yes, sorry, so what’s for dinner today?
(IN RUSSIAN:) What is this?
CANTEEN LADY
Stroganoff!
INTERVIEWER
On second thoughts, I’m not that hungry…
THEME TUNE
THE INTERVIEW
THE CLICK OF A LOCK.
MARYA (IN RUSSIAN)
There. That should do it.
DARIA (IN RUSSIAN)
Don’t worry, Masha. The cleaners aren’t due in this wing for another hour at least.
MARYA (IN RUSSIAN)
You can never be too careful, Dasha!
DARIA
Da.
INTERVIEWER
I must say. I’ve never conducted an interview inside of a maintenance cupboard before - ouch!
SOMETHING FALLS ON HIS HEAD.
INTERVIEWER
It’s small. But you know what? It’s a nice change. Back in my cell - office - I have an Oleg who keeps typing everything I say. It drives me bonkers.
DARIA
Well, no one will type this conversation.
MARYA
Yeah, this is strictly confidential.
INTERVIEWER
But of course. Hum - you two look… suspiciously similar? If it wasn’t for the guard uniform and the prison uniform, I’d think I was seeing double.
DARIA
We’re Marya and Daria Lisitsyna.
MARYA
We’re sisters.
INTERVIEWER
Aha! I thought maybe you were clones. So how come one of you is a prison guard and the other a prisoner?
MARYA
It’s a long story.
INTERVIEWER
Excellent!
DARIA
And there’s no time -
INTERVIEWER
Daria, let me stop you right there. There’s always time for a story. You will tell me your story. Only then will I help you fake Marya’s death.
DARIA
Marya’s death?
INTERVIEWER
Um, yes. I assumed that since she’s a prisoner here…
DARIA
We both need to get out of here.
INTERVIEWER
But Daria - you work here? You can go home whenever your shift is over.
DARIA
Yeah, but then I have to come back the next morning!
INTERVIEWER
Why don’t you just quit?
DARIA
Oyh. It’s not that simple…
INTERVIEWER
Okay…? So why are you both here?
MARYA
We’re both here because we didn’t do something wrong.
INTERVIEWER
Sorry?
DARIA
We’re both here because of something we did that wasn’t wrong.
INTERVIEWER
That’s still not very clear… Marya and Daria. You’re going to have to explain in more detail. Please - Daria - why don’t you begin?
DARIA
OK. I was a detective with the Kolokov police force.
MARYA
She was a rising star!
DARIA
We were cracking down on the Bratva -
INTERVIEWER
Bratva? Is that a type of sausage?
MARYA
It’s the Russian mafia.
INTERVIEWER
Ohhhh.
DARIA
Everything was pointing towards this downtown tailor being the head of the Kolokov division. But looking at the evidence I realised it couldn’t be him. He was being framed. The mafia has it’s fingers in everything, everybody and their grandmother was implicated. There was only one man who stayed clean.
INTERVIEWER
Who?
DARIA
The Mayor elect.
INTERVIEWER
Oh dear.
DARIA
I knew it was him, but I couldn’t prove it. I needed more time. So I went to my boss -
MARYA
And got stabbed in the back.
DARIA
And suddenly I was working here, at Golovin. And the contract I’m on - it’s not the kind you can just terminate…
INTERVIEWER
I see…
DARIA
I’d rather get stabbed in the eye with a fork than keep working here. The only good thing about ending up in Golovin was meeting Marya again.
MARYA
We hadn’t seen each other for years.
INTERVIEWER
Because Marya had been stuck in here?
MARYA
Not just…
INTERVIEWER
No?
MARYA
Where to begin… When we grew up Daria had everything figured. She wanted to be a cop from when she was like three!
INTERVIEWER
But you weren’t set on a criminal career at that age?
MARYA
No, I didn’t know what I wanted to be. I kept falling into this trap of comparing myself to Daria. I wasn’t you know as brainy as Daria. I wasn’t as vocal as Daria. I wasn’t as ethical as Daria!
INTERVIEWER
I suppose Daria is the older one?
MARYA
Hm, how did you guess… In the end I didn’t know who I was at all, only what I wasn’t. I felt invisible.
INTERVIEWER
So what did you do?
MARYA
One day I woke up and I realised I had to define myself positively. Not by what I wasn’t, but by what I was.
INTERVIEWER
And what was that?
MARYA
Hah… A very skilled kleptomaniac. Ha!
INTERVIEWER
Huh.
MARYA
I decided to embrace all the things about myself I had previously despised, and turn them into assets. I was going to make my invisibility into something positive. So, I burned off my fingerprints.
INTERVIEWER
Ouch! Why?
MARYA
To become the best cat burglar the world had ever seen!
DARIA
And you had a good run of it.
MARYA
I certainly did. If it wasn’t for my stupid bad luck, I’d still be doing it.
INTERVIEWER
How did you get caught?
MARYA
Well… That’s kind of funny story…
DARIA
Funny?
MARYA
For a long time I did really well. I stole jewels from Bratva wives, art from large private collections, money from unscrupulous oligarchs… Until my luck turned.
INTERVIEWER
What happened?
MARYA
Well, by this time I’d become a bit of a celebrity. The papers had started writing about this mysterious burglar that never left any fingerprints. They even gave me a nickname: The Invisible Burglar.
DARIA
When I found out it was Marya… Phoooh! I was so angry at her.
INTERVIEWER
You knew your sister was The Invisible Burglar?!
DARIA
I felt bad about not turning her in, but I just couldn’t snitch on my own sister.
INTERVIEWER
But how did you figure it was her?
DARIA
Marya came over for drinks. I was doing the dishes. I noticed the smudges on my sister’s glass had no fingerprints.
MARYA
Da, da. She broke off all contact.
INTERVIEWER
Well, dissemble me like a babushka!
DARIA
Things started to go wrong for Marya. There was a break in at this big mansion. The billionaire who lived there was at home. The burglar killed him. It wasn’t Marya who did it -
MARYA
It wasn’t.
DARIA
She never killed anyone.
MARYA
I wouldn’t even hurt a fly!
DARIA
But because there were no fingerprints at the crime scene, everyone thought it was The Invisible Burglar!
INTERVIEWER
I see…
DARIA
But it didn’t stop there. Right after, there was another murder.
MARYA
Again no fingerprints, and again, the newspapers blame me!
DARIA
These two deaths started a murder spree. Everyone wishing to get rid of someone suddenly had the opportunity!
MARYA
They just had to make sure not to leave any fingerprints, and everyone immediately assumed it was the doing of The Invisible Burglar!
DARIA
After a few weeks of random murders all over Kolokov, the police was forced to do something. So we closed the borders and did a fingerprint check on every citizen.
MARYA
By day, I was a part time book shop assistant, living a seemingly normal life. I wasn’t off the grid, so there was no way I could avoid being checked. So I went in.
DARIA
She was arrested. The trial was a komedia. The police dragged up any murder from the last decade they hadn’t been able to solve. As long as there was a smudged fingerprint, that was all they needed to pin it on Marya.
MARYA
In the end I got a multiple life sentence so long you could see it from the moon!
INTERVIEWER
Society needed a culprit.
MARYA
Yeah. And they chose me.
INTERVIEWER
It’s like a cleansing.
MARYA
I didn’t want to be, you know, Jesus. I didn’t want to atone for everyone else’s sins! I just wanted to be rich!
INTERVIEWER
Ha! It’s ironic. You know. Ha ha. You wanted to be untraceable. Non-existent. Yet you ended up really making a mark!
MARYA
Sure. And it landed me here.
DARIA
Fate landed us both here.
INTERVIEWER
Fate has landed us all here…
MARYA
I don’t think anyone choses Golovin. I think Golovin choses you.
INTERVIEW
Let’s hope it’s all part of a larger plan. I mean, you two were reconnected!
DARIA
Huh.
INTERVIEWER
“From even the greatest of horrors, irony is seldom absent.” H.P. Lovecraft.
DARIA
The irony of life…
MARYA
Heh.
DARIA
Here I am working as a prison guard, not because I am a great prison guard - rather, I’m not working as a detective, because I am a great detective!
MARYA
Right?! And I’m in prison for murder, not because I am a murderer. Rather, I’m not in prison for theft, because I am a genius thief! Huh!
DARIA
Will you help us?
MARYA
Da, will you?
INTERVIEWER
Well, can you pay?
DARIA
Ehm. I’m on a prison guard salary…
MARYA
Huh. I’ve still got most of my loot stashed away. I’ll pay for both of us.
DARIA
So we’re getting out of this because of what you stole…
INTERVIEWER
Hahaha! Seems like fate yet again has proven it’s flair for irony… Now, let’s move on to how we do this.
MARYA
Sure.
INTERVIEWER
Looking at you both, I’m wondering if we have to fake a death at all. Why make it more complicated than it needs to be?
DARIA
What do you mean?
INTERVIEWER
The two of you are nearly identical. Marya could just dress up as Daria and leave!
DARIA
You don’t think we’ve thought of that?
MARYA
It won’t work. All employees have to scan their thumb when they leave this prison. And I don’t have any finger prints, remember?
INTERVIEWER
Hm… Hm… Hm…
THE INTERVIEWER HUMS TONELESSLY.
MARYA (IN RUSSIAN, WHISPERS)
Dahsa! My god! You said this guy was it? That he could help us? Now he’s just sitting there looking more like a mop head than that mop head!
DARIA (IN RUSSIAN, WHISPERS)
Please, Marya, this isn’t helping! The guy’s clearly thinking!
MARYA (IN RUSSIAN, GETTING LOUDER)
Well he better think quick, his first suggestion was stupid!
DARIA (IN RUSSIAN, LOUD)
Please! Marya! Let’s not fight! Not now!
THE TWO ARE QUARRELLING LOUDLY IN RUSSIAN. THIS GIVES THE INTERVIEWER AN IDEA…
INTERVIEWER
Aha! Of course!
DARIA
Uh. What?
INTERVIEWER
You two should have a fight!
MARYA
Like a cat fight?
INTERVIEWER
To the death.
MARYA
Okay, we’re listening…
INTERVIEWER
First, you swap clothes. Assume each other’s identities. Marya becomes Daria; Daria, Maria. Thief becomes guard; guard, thief. It’s lunch time. Everyone’s assembled in the canteen. The fake Marya does something forbidden - she’s smuggled in a real, sharp knife, and is using it to eat the shoe soles. I mean the cutlets.
MARYA
Then I interfere?
INTERVIEWER
Posing as Daria, yes! First it’s an argument, then a scuffle, then a fight. Fake Daria wrestles the knife from fake Marya, when suddenly - uhhh! - she’s killed her! There’s blood everywhere - ketchup - and fake Marya is dead! The other guards rush to the scene breaking the two apart. Fake Marya - now dead fake Marya - is brought to the prison morgue. And fake Daria is escorted off the premises, told to go home until the situation has been dealt with and the right paperwork has been faked -
MARYA
Which means I don’t have to show my thumbprint at the checkpoint! I’ll be rushed off in a hurry!
INTERVIEWER
Exactly! Fake dead Marya will be put in a freezer at the morgue. The low temperature of the freezer will chill you down so much it should slow your heart rate, and you’ll seem completely dead. You’ll be brought out of there on a stretcher. Real Marya will be waiting down the road, ready to intercept the hearse, steal Daria’s corpse and thaw you up again.
DARIA
Isn’t that a bit complicated?
INTERVIEWER
Poppycock! It’s perfect! You ended up in here because of something you didn’t do. Now I’m getting you out through a series of actions which you won’t perform!
DARIA
Sorry?
INTERVIEWER
Well, you won’t really have fight, you won’t kill your sister and Marya won’t die. You’re not really dead, you’re not really each other, and despite none of that not happening, you’ll end up out of here! Hah! It is the most perfectly ironic disappearance I have ever done! Now. What would you like your new lives to be?
MARYA
We’d like to start a new life together.
DARIA
We haven’t seen each other for ten years.
MARYA
We want to, you know, make up for lost time.
INTERVIEWER
In that case I suggest a new life as conjoined twins. I have a friend in Belarus running an illicit freak show. I’ve supplied him with a fake bearded lady and a fake fish person so far.
DARIA
You want to sow us together?
INTERVIEWER
Don’t be silly. You can do incredible things with prosthetics these days. It’ll be a good life. They’re wonderful people. Just be aware of the contortionist. He might look like a contortionist and perform like a contortionist. But don’t let that fool you. He really is a contortionist. I once found him in my suitcase when I unpacked. Nearly scared me to death!
MARYA
Huh. I guess we have a plan then.
DARIA
I can’t wait to kill you.
MARYA
No, I’m killing you remember.
DARIA
No, you’re killing you.
MARYA
Ah! This is so twisted, ah!
INTERVIEWER
Normally at this point I’d suggest a toast. But all we have in here are cleaning products, and despite certain claims to the contrary, you can’t drink those… We’ll have to pretend.
DARIA
Sure. Let’s clink our invisible glasses.
INTERVIEWER
To - uh, I can’t think of anything?
DARIA
To nothing, then!
INTERVIEWER
To everything that isn’t!
MARYA
And to all the trouble nothing can cause!
INTERVIEWER
Chin chin!
MARYA AND DARYA
Ura!
THEME TUNE.
PHILIP
Marya and Daria was written, directed and edited by Oystein Ulsberg Brager with music by Fredrik Baden and sound design by Dominic Hargreaves. It featured Alan Burgon as the Interviewer, Marianne Jonger as Daria, Valentina Alexeeva as both Marya and the canteen lady, and Harald Rosenstrøm, Arturo Tovar, Alan Burgon and Robert Rustad Amundsen as prison inmates. It was recorded at Spike City Studios and NSI Lydproduksjon and engineered by Steinar Borgen and Robert Rustad Amundsen. Thank you all so much for your support, and we’ll be back next week!
THE END.
