PEPPERMINT SCHNAPPS
INTERVIEWER
Alvina, are you sitting comfortably?
ALVINA
Um... yes?
INTERVIEWER
Good. Because this, is going to knock your socks off!
ALVINA
I told you, I can't have any more of that Peppermint Schnapps, I'm about to interview getaway drivers.
INTERVIEWER
I'm not talking about Peppermint Schnapps!
ALVINA
You're not?
INTERVIEWER
I'm talking about...
ALVINA
Yes?
INTERVIEWER
I'm talking about...
ALVINA
Yes...
INTERVIEWER
Magic!!!
ALVINA
Oh.
INTERVIEWER
A magic trick!
ALVINA
Oh, ok, let's get this over with.
INTERVIEWER
It's amazing!
ALVINA
So you're, what? Going to pull a rabbit out of a hat, smash your watch and restore it, levitate?
INTERVIEWER
I'm going to show you-
ALVINA
You're not having my watch by the way!
INTERVIEWER
A card trick!!
ALVINA
A card trick.
INTERVIEWER
I know!! Salvatore showed it to me!
ALVINA
Oh God.
THE INTERVIWER HUMS AS HE RIFFLES THE CARDS. HE DROPS ALL THE CARDS ON THE FLOOR.
INTERVIEWER
Wooops. Oh. Um…
ALVINA
Are you going to pick those up or...?
INTERVIEWER
When Salvatore does it... (ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES PICKING UP CARDS) Anyway... Practice... Practice makes perfect ey? Just got to practice...
ALVINA
Look, why don't I let you practice, and then maybe in a few days, or a few weeks, or months, you can show-
INTERVIEWER
No! I'm showing it to you now! It's going to-
ALVINA
Blow my socks off. I know. Well, hurry up, I've got a stack of resumés to get through.
INTERVIEWER
Right. Here we go. (SOUND OF SQUARING THE CARDS) That's all the cards... I just have to get them back in the right order-
ALVINA
In the right- ?
INTERVIEWER
Ahem! I mean shuffle! I just need to shuffle the cards! Like this!
ALVINA
That's shuffling?
INTERVIEWER
I'm cutting the deck three ways, so the cards are in a totally random order. Now. The pack is totally mixed right?
ALVINA
Well...
INTERVIEWER
(HARSH) Right?
ALVINA
Yes. I'll say yes.
INTERVIEWER
Yes. It is. Choose a card!
ALVINA
Ok...
INTERVIEWER
What is it?
ALVINA
Why do I have to tell you that?
INTERVIEWER
Because otherwise the trick won’t work!
ALVINA
It’s an eight.
INTERVIEWER
Add two.
ALVINA
Ok, so ten.
INTERVIEWER
Is that the number you're thinking of?
ALVINA
Well, it's the number you told me to think-
INTERVIEWER
Great, it's the number you're thinking of! Now, count out ten cards and look at the next one.
COUNTING OF CARDS.
ALVINA
Right. Do I tell you what it is again?
INTERVIEWER
No! No! Don't do that! It wouldn't be magic if you did that would it?
ALVINA
Of course. So, now you're going to tell me the card I'm looking at?
INTERVIEWER
(UNDER HIS BREATH)
Uhm, uhm, so I take, I take the two… and divide by… no. There’s no division. Uhm. Add, add eleven, even, divide by… there is a divide… eh…
ALVINA
Look, there's got to be an easier way to do thi-
INTERVIEWER
Shhhhhhhhhhhh! I'm working!
(UNDER HIS BREATH)
Is pi… No, no it can’t be, there was something else…
ALVINA
Maybe I'll have a bit of that Peppermint Schnapps after all. Mind if I help myself?
INTERVIEWER
(UNDER HIS BREATH)
Now if you take the one and divide it by two, subtract, wh… what is the root of ten, square root of ten…
ALVINA POURS A GLASS OF PEPPERMINT SCHNAPPS.
ALVINA
How are you getting on?
INTERVIEWER
Just another - !
(MUMBLES UNDER HIS BREATH, THEN:)
Ah, got it!!!
ALVINA
Hit me.
INTERVIEWER
You are looking at... the Jack of Spades!!
ALVINA SPITS OUT THE SCHNAPPS, LAUGHING.
ALVINA
What?
INTERVIEWER
I told you it would blow your socks off!
ALVINA
No. It's just... it's wrong.
INTERVIEWER
Excuse me?
ALVINA
After all that, how can it be wrong?
INTERVIEWER
It's wrong? But I did everything-
ALVINA
Not even close. Two of hearts.
INTERVIEWER
It can't be!
ALVINA
Here we go.
SHE PUTS THE CARD DOWN ON THE TABLE.
ALVINA
Two of hearts.
INTERVIEWER
Well pluck me like a chicken.
ALVINA
Don't worry. I'm sure with a bit more practice...
INTERVIEWER
(SOMBER AND SUBDUED) Practice, yes. I need to practice.
ALVINA
But not now you don't. Now you need to prepare for the next client. You remember? Melissa Menken? In half an hour? Hell, you could even break a life time's habit and read the case file I spent hours-
INTERVIEWER
You're absolutely right ALVINA, I need to practice.
ALVINA
You're not even listening to me are you? Oh sod it.
INTERVIEWER
(INTO THE INTERCOM) Salvatore!
ALVINA
Melissa Menken. Half an hour. (ON HER WAY OUT) Oh, and don't show her that trick. She's a real magician.
ALVINA LEAVES.
MUSIC.
OYSTEIN
Melissa Menken. Episode ten of The Amelia Project. Coming soon.