PRESENTING CIVILISED - WITH CROSSOVER SKETCH! PIP Hello dear Amelia listeners, we’ve missed you. The Amelia Project returns next week with Season 4 as well as a brand new Patreon miniseries called The Alvina Archives. So get your cocoa and maltesers ready, and if you want to rebinge the previous season in preparation for next week, now's a good opportunity. But first of all here's a little bonus crossover treat for you. I won't say any more just yet, Amelia is all about the secrets. Enjoy. THE AMELIA OFFICES INTERVIEWER Alvina... I think you’d better listen to this. ALVINA What is it? INTERVIEWER A new message on the answer phone. A peculiar one... ALVINA (SCOFFS) Let's hear it. BEEP BEATRIX (TALKING VERY FAST) Oh! Uh. Well, hello there, Amelia, you have a lovely voice! And I am very serious about trying to get some help. So thank you for your offering. Uhm, uh - My name is Beatrix, and, uhm I just thought I'd bring you a message about the impending doom of the earth! I'm not really sure if anyone back there is gonna hear it and I'm not really sure how long we've been gone. But just in case someone can do something or send us some help, we are in extraordinary amounts of peril. And it's been going on for a really long time, I'm not actually sure who I am or what I am or what iteration I am -- all I know is that I die a lot and I would really like to stop doing that. So if someone could come send us some help, that would be wonderful and if Amelia, you're the person to do that, it would be so nice to talk to you and hear that lovely voice on the end of this p-hone. (pronounced "pa-hony") So thank you very much for your time. I hope that you are not suffering impending dooms like we have here and that the world is not still on fire because it was on fire once. Anyway, ah, have a lovely day and ah, again, this is Beatrix, and you can reach me at this p-hone number. So uhm, uh, uh, bye! BEEP. ALVINA (LAUGHS) (MOCKING) The impending doom of the earth!? INTERVIEWER She says she keeps dying and coming back! Most our clients only fake their death once... (REALIZING SOMETHING WITH A START) Do you think she's a client of The Incognito Project? ALVINA She says she's not on earth, so...Don't you think maybe... INTERVIEWER (INTERRUPTS BEFORE SHE HAS THE CHANCE TO SAY "THIS IS A JOKE") The Incognito Project has branched out to space! Ah! Do we need a space branch!? ALVINA She pronounces phone "P - HO - KNEE"! INTERVIEWER What's your point? ALVINA This is a prank! INTERVIEWER I don't think so. ALVINA It is clearly someone making fun of us! (BEEP-BEEP) INTERVIEWER Another message! Do you think it's another space client? ALVINA No, I hope it's a real client. INTERVIEWER Space clients are real clients! ALVINA Just play the message - (BEEP-BEEP) INTERVIEWER Another one! I'm feeling all like... "Close Encounters of the Third Kind"! Uh! Where's my Casio Keyboard?And my pottery kit!? ALVINA What are you on about?! INTERVIEWER I need to prepare! ALVINA (SIGHING) Let's just play these... CLICK. TRANSITION - WE MOVE IN TIME AND SPACE, INTO THE WORLD OF CIVILIZED. BOB Uh... uh, leave a message? Well, actually, uhm, I'm not sure who you are, Amelia... Project? But I do have a problem -- I am serious about it, ha ha! Not hanging up, ha. I've been trying to bake a soufflé for the last few years and I don't have any eggs on this planet. So I could really use a recipe that has like an egg substitute where we could... but using alien DNA on a foreign planet, ahm- Click Click. BARTHOLOMEW Well, I, uh, I would uhm… appreciate help... Is that good? VOICE IN THE BACKGROUND You keep on going. (THE REST IS MUFFLED) BARTHOLOMEW Okay! Okay. All right. I'm doing well then. VOICE IN THE BACKGROUND (OVERLAPPING) You got the voice of an angel. Voice of an angel. Listen to that voice -- BARTHOLOMEW All right. Okay. Yeah, no, that's... VOICE IN THE BACKGROUND Sing to the choir. BARTHOLOMEW I feel good about myself. Um... Okay, I would like help... (CONFIDENT) building a better me. CLICK. BACK AT THE AMELIA OFFICES ALVINA (DOUBTFUL) A soufflé? INTERVIEWER Yes. ALVINA (EVEN MORE DOUBTFUL) Building a better me? INTERVIEWER Could be code? ALVINA Impending doom, alien DNA-soufflé and help building a better me? INTERVIEWER Ah! I think I know what's going on! ALVINA Do you? INTERVIEWER Yes! It’s a signal that's been sent through time and space! ALVINA That's normally how signals are sent. Through time and space. INTERVIEWER No, Alvina! These messages have gone back in time! Through a wormhole! ALVINA Excuse me? INTERVIEWER The messages are from a group of settlers on a planet far, far away who have ended up in dire straits! ALVINA What did you put in your cocoa today? INTERVIEWER Nothing! ALVINA Oh, come one! Someone is having us on! INTERVIEWER But they sound so genuine! ALVINA They sound like a comedy improv troupe who are obsessed with sci-fi! INTERVIEWER Ach, poppycock! When I was part of the Third City Improv Impasse, we were never even close to improvising something so specific! And we were the best comedy troupe for miles! These people are clearly telling the truth, and I think we should figure out a way to - (ALVINA WALKS OVER TO THE ANSWERPHONE.CLICK-CLICK-CLICK-WHIRR) INTERVIEWER (CONT'D) What are you doing!?! ALVINA (MATTER OF FACT) Deleting those messages. INTERVIEWER But now we can't call back! ALVINA And I say: Good riddance. In twenty minutes you're seeing the dentist who was exposed for pushing candy to children, so get yourself ready and let's handle a proper client. INTERVIEWER Oh, I really think we missed out on something special there. ALVINA If those messages were from the future, we couldn't have helped them anyway! Now... put your trousers on! INTERVIEWER They're still drying! ALVINA I'm not going to ask why... INTERVIEWER I had a Malteser accident! ALVINA Ehm - how?! INTERVIEWER I thought you said you weren't going to ask? ALVINA You're right. I don't want to know. (ALVINA STARTS WALKING AWAY) INTERVIEWER It also involved a two litres of Veuve Clicquot and a Bunsen burner! ALVINA I'm not listening! INTERVIEWER It’s really a very thrilling story! PIP It might be impossible for the Interviewer and Alvina to respond to a message that comes from a distant future, in a remote corner of the universe. But if you want to go there - you can! Beatrix, Bob and Bartholomew are all characters in the improvised space sitcom "Civilized". And if you haven't listened to that show yet, it’s one we heartily recommend! It is a dark comedy about three terraformers on a new planet - who are lost in space, in so many ways... The incredible thing is that the whole show is improvised, which you really wouldn't think, with such layered world building and complex character arcs. Civilized is a great escape to a planet and a time far away - and you get to listen to the very first episode of the show right now, right here on this feed! Civilized is one of the other shows in the Fable and Folly Network, and they're great friends and colleagues of ours, in fact their designer Eli Hamada Mcilveen plays Hiroshi on The Amelia Project and has guest-designed several of our Season 4 episodes. The Amelia Project will be back with Season 4 on 15th October as well as with a brand new Patreon exclusive miniseries called The Alvina Archives, but in the meantime: Enjoy the very first episode of "Civilized", look for the show on your favorite podcatcher and make sure to subscribe! THE FIRST EPISODE OF CIVILIZED PLAYS LOST THE HUM OF A SPACESHIP ENGINE. (BLEEP. THE CAPTAIN'S ARTIFICIAL VOICE COMES ON OVER A SPEAKER) CAPTAIN Mayday. Mayday. This is Echo Bravo 3-7-niner. Emergency transponder activated. We have emerged alone in unknown space. There is no match to known or projected star charts. I repeat, we have emerged alone in unknown space. (CROSSFADE TO A LATER MOMENT. THE CAPTAIN'S VOICE ECHOES THROUGH ANOTHER PART OF THE SHIP) CAPTAIN Mayday. Mayday. This is Echo Bravo 3-7-niner... CAPTAIN (THE CAPTAIN'S VOICE, MORE URGENT, OVER A STATICKY RADIO CHANNEL) This is Echo Bravo 3-7-niner. No member of the fleet has responded to our emergency beacons in over 90 days. I repeat... CAPTAIN (THE ENGINE IS LOUDER NOW. WARNING CHIMES SOUND) Mayday. This is Echo Bravo 3-7-niner. We are initiating Foxtrot Charlie Kilo protocol. We have identified a nearby planetary body for an unscheduled landing. (ALARMS SOUND OVER THE ROAR OF ENGINES AND THE SCREAM OF THE WIND AS THE SHIP ENTERS THE ATMOSPHERE) CAPTAIN (TO HERSELF, GETTING MORE URGENT) You can do this, you can do this. You can do this. Come on, come on, come on. You can do this. Get your nose up, *get your nose up! AAARRGH!* (SILENCE) NARRATOR Humanity's last hope to find and settle a new world. A small terraforming fleet sets out to prepare a lifeless planet for the colony ships sure to follow in their wake. ANNOUNCER *Civilized.* (THEME MUSIC PLAYS: A CROSSOVER-THEME WITH THE AMELIA THEME, OPTIMISTIC 1970S SYNTHESIZER, PIANO AND HORNS) RAIN ALIEN BIRDS SING IN THE BACKGROUND AS A HEAVY RAIN FALLS. (BOB GRUNTS AND STRUGGLES AS HE CARRIES SOMETHING OUT TO WHERE BEATRIX IS CONNECTING METAL POLES WITH A WHIRRING DEVICE) BOB Aw, man. Ugh... BEATRIX (SINGING TO HERSELF) Just keep building, just keep building, just keep building, building, building... BOB Hey Beatrix. BEATRIX Hmm? BOB Here's the next box. (HE DROPS IT ON THE GROUND WITH A HOLLOW THUMP) BEATRIX Oh, thank you! This will make a great... holder for sand. BOB Um... Is that is that enough? It's like four of those things I've drug out. BEATRIX Bob, these are all empty boxes. BOB Well, yeah! But -- but it's still a lot of work getting those out of the ship, all the way over -- it's like crazy raining out here. BEATRIX Bob... I appreciate how much work you think that is. BOB Thank you! BEATRIX I'm just gonna keep putting holes in the ground and putting up tarps and you know, protecting us from this liquid that's falling from above us that we don't know is acid or has any kind of chemical properties... BOB (STAMMERS UNCERTAINLY) BEATRIX But I'll put myself out here while you go get another few empty boxes. BOB Yeah! I'm gonna go back to the ship and try and -- it might take me a while to find a box -- (LOWERS HIS VOICE, SUDDENLY WORRIED) It could be acid? Really? BEATRIX (EXASPERATED) Bob, I... BOB I'll be right back. BEATRIX Okay. (HUMS TO HERSELF)Just keep building, just keep building... BOX ROOM (ON BOARD THE SHIP.THE OUTER DOOR WHIRS OPEN. OUTSIDE, THE RAIN IS STILL POURING DOWN AS BOB ENTERS) BARTHOLOMEW Ah, Bob. BOB Yeah, hi! Whew! Did you know, it could be acid out there! BARTHOLOMEW Yes. Well, actually, I wanted to mention that I ran the sample that you collected for me through the, uh, analyzer. BOB The sample? BARTHOLOMEW Yes? BOB Oh! The wet stuff you took off my face! BARTHOLOMEW So I ran it through the analyzer, and I wanted to share the results with you. BOB Oh, great! BARTHOLOMEW They were inconclusive. BOB Oh, cool. So that's good, then right? We can go back outside! BARTHOLOMEW Possibly, yes. BOB Awesome. Okay, I just have to find another box. Do we have any more empty boxes that are really light that I can bring out to help? BARTHOLOMEW Well, you could check the box room. CAPTAIN(OVER THE SPEAKER) Nope. Definitely can't go in the box room. BOB What? CAPTAIN Nope. BOB Captain... CAPTAIN Box room is off bounds. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope nope. BOB (SIGHS) How am I supposed to find boxes if I can't go in the box room? BARTHOLOMEW It really is the function of the box room. CAPTAIN I know. But the box room is empty now. It's being used for something else. (THE OUTER DOOR OPENS AGAIN AND BEATRIX ENTERS) BEATRIX Excuse me, everybody. I'm so sorry to interrupt. I know -- I've just been outside for a while. But Barty, I was wondering if you could just look at my skin. It seems to be bubbling in a weird way? (A GROTESQUE BUBBLING NOISE) BOB Oh boy. BEATRIX I know, it's kind of growing and pulsating. The grossest thing about it is the smell. BOB (GAGS) BARTHOLOMEW Feel free to just stand back. CAPTAIN That does not look good. BEATRIX So uh, no one, no one else is having this reaction? No, I guess no one else would, because no one else was outside building a shelter! BOB I came outside. Oh, God... BEATRIX I don't know. Does Bob look okay? CAPTAIN Maybe he's immune to it. BARTHOLOMEW I don't see anything. BOB What about my face? I can't see my face. What's my face doing? BEATRIX Your face kind of just looks like your face always looks. BOB Whew, Okay. BARTHOLOMEW No more or less pleasant than usual. (THE BUBBLING SOUND GROWS LOUDER) BOB Oh, god, look what's happening to her arm! BEATRIX Yeah, it's starting to pulsate. I'm a little concerned that my arm is now two times larger than an arm probably should be. I don't know, I'm just the scout. So, Captain, have you ever experienced anything like this from your database, or...? CAPTAIN I know of a first aid book in the library... BEATRIX Oh, okay. Yeah, I was just gonna go to the box room and you know, try to find a -- BOB(WHISPERS) No! We can't go to the box room. BEATRIX We can't go to the box room? Okay, can't get to the box of first aid supplies, then, ha ha. Because it's a box. It was in the -- CAPTAIN I moved it all to the library so you can go find all the boxes of supplies that you need in the library. BEATRIX I guess books look like boxes... BARTHOLOMEW So *all* the boxes are in the library? CAPTAIN *All* of the boxes have been moved to the library. BARTHOLOMEW So the library show now be called the box room. CAPTAIN Yes. BEATRIX Why don't we call it the Boxbrary? No, that's not good… (A LOUD WET PLOP, BEATRIX SOUNDS CHEERFUL AND MATTER-OF-FACT DESPITE EVERYTHING) ..and there goes my arm. Just fell right off. I am in excruciating pain. BOB Um, Beatrix? BEATRIX Yep. BOB I know this might come off crass, but... do you think you could finish putting the poles in with one arm? 'Cause I really don't want to go out there. BEATRIX Well you know, I have uh, lost a limb, so I mean, why should anyone else have to do that? So I'll just go out and sacrifice whatever remaining limbs I have. Yeah, no, I guess this is my... function… my job. BARTHOLOMEW We appreciate your earnest dedication. BEATRIX I really hoped someone was going to stop me. No? CAPTAIN No, you're good. BEATRIX All right, well, I guess I'll just go back outside. No, it's cool! It's fine! CAPTAIN Thanks, Beatrix, you're the best! BEATRIX (TO HERSELF) Okay. I guess that's what support feels like. (SHE LEAVES THE SHIP. SILENCE.) BOB I feel sort of awful that I didn't volunteer, Barty, to go and help her. BARTHOLOMEW Yes, it is Bartholomew. (THE DOOR OPENS AGAIN) BEATRIX I'm so sorry, I'm just gonna take my arm back out, it's starting to smell, I didn't want to inconvenience you guys further with my... dead tissue arm. No, it's fine! BOB Wait, no, I have something I -- BEATRIX Yeah? What is it Bob? (A LONG PAUSE.) BOB Nothing. BEATRIX All right... Taking this thing that was once attached to me and walking outside. This isn't scarring at all. Ha! BARTHOLOMEW Very considerate. (SHE LEAVES AGAIN.) BOB Barty? Bartholomew... now I feel even worse. That's two times I've had and I didn't offer to help. BARTHOLOMEW It's fine. She's fine. BOB Really? BARTHOLOMEW I mean, obviously she's not fine, but it's no problem. BOB It just feels strange that we're both sort of standing here watching the rain come down while she just goes back out there. BARTHOLOMEW Well, standing here is a large part of my prescribed role. You, well, we would expect ultimately, once the external shelter is erected, we would expect you to give it, you know, some homey touches. A range, perhaps? You could make a nice kitchen area, maybe? So perhaps you should stop focusing on Beatrix and start focusing on what *you* can do to help the team. CAPTAIN There is some protective gear in the library... box room. BARTHOLOMEW Sorry, the library box room? CAPTAIN Box -- li -- boxbrary? BEATRIX (SHOUTS FROM OUTSIDE) Don't want to concern anyone! Just lost a foot. But it's all good. Gonna stay out here, got one more foot, two legs, I'm pretty good! CAPTAIN Somebody get that girl some protective gear. BARTHOLOMEW (SHOUTS BACK THROUGH THE WINDOW) Your optimism is much appreciated! BOB No I'm doing, I'm doing it. I'm going into the... why don't I want to go into the Boxbrary? I feel really strange. Barty? BARTHOLOMEW Bartholomew. BOB Bartholomew? (WITH SUDDEN RESOLVE)I'm doing it though! I'm going to go get that box! I'm going to get Beatrix some protective clothing! BARTHOLOMEW (SHOUTS)How are you doing out there, Beatrix? BEATRIX (FROM OUTSIDE) Oh fine, just lost two fingers on the other hand, but nothing I can't handle. BARTHOLOMEW (SHOUTS) Not a limb, merely an appendage. BOB I'm going. I'm gonna go; I'm gonna get that box. I feel really strange though, for some reason. Just down here to the left, right? (HE WALKS NERVOUSLY DOWN THE HALL AND OPENS A DOOR WITH A LOUD CREAK.) (THERE'S A RUMBLE FROM SOME SORT OF MASSIVE CREATURE) BOB Oh, hi! What's your -- *AAARRGHH!* (THE CREATURE DEVOURS HIM MESSILY, THEN THE DOOR SLAMS SHUT. SILENCE) BARTHOLOMEW That's why he wasn't meant to go in the box room? CAPTAIN I told him! It's not my fault he doesn't listen. GELATINOUS (OUTSIDE IN THE RAIN, BEATRIX IS STILL AT WORK, ACCOMPANIED BY SQUELCHING NOISES.) BEATRIX Just keep building, just keep building, just keep building, building. BOB Hey, hi, Beatrix. Oh, what happened? Why are you missing -- BEATRIX I'm just mostly gelatinous cysts at this point. So, you know. BOB Beatrix -- oh my god, what can I do? BEATRIX Probably go inside. This is for the good of the mission at this point. I wouldn't want anyone else to... suffer like this. BOB Oh my god, let me help carry you inside. What do I -- BEATRIX Oh, no, I'm fine. BOB Bartholomew! Something's wrong with Beatrix! BEATRIX No, I just have a feeling I'm going to be okay. I mean, like I said, I'm in *excruciating* pain. I have never thought that my nerves could experience this much trauma. But, I mean, all for the good of the mission, right? Ha ha. Glad you guys are warm and inside. BOB I'm so sorry. I wish I had found you earlier, then I could have done something. BEATRIX Bob, you were helping me earlier. It's, I mean -- BOB I was? BEATRIX Yeah, you were... Yeah. You brought out the four empty boxes. BOB What? No, I just carried this one box out here! BEATRIX Are you okay? (SQUIRTING AND SPLATTERING NOISES) BOB Oh, God, your teeth fell out. BEATRIX (CHEERFUL BUT MUFFLED NOW) Yeah, I guess that'll happen. BOB I'm gonna go get someone! Don't move! BEATRIX I'm melting! Ha ha. It's a joke. BOB I guess you can't move. I'll be right back, Beatrix! (HE RUNS OFF) PLAQUE (ON THE SHIP. BOB RUSHES IN FROM OUTSIDE.) BOB Barty! Barty! BARTHOLOMEW Bartholomew, actually. BOB Yeah, yeah. Beatrix, she's a puddle! Well, there's a face, but a puddle. We need to go help her. BARTHOLOMEW That does sound serious. I'll make sure that an appropriate award to honour her dedication is prepared. BOB What? BARTHOLOMEW Well, you know, if things don't work out, I want to make sure that she's recognized for her... gelatinous dedication. CAPTAIN Bravery. BOB I don't think things are working out! She's melting! BARTHOLOMEW Yeah, well, that's what I'm saying. We will prepare, maybe a nice plaque? You know, something that she can hang on her wall. (THE BUBBLING NOISE AGAIN.) BOB Barty, what's happening to my arm? BARTHOLOMEW Oh dear. Would you enjoy a plaque? CREDITS ANNOUNCER Civilized. Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Mbula Enobong and Sean Howard. Sound design and music by Eli McIlveen. Cover art by David Demaret. Join us on Patreon for bonus episodes and lots more. Look for the Support Us link at civilizedpod.com POD (ON BOARD THE SHIP. A COMPUTER BEEPS, AND A HUMAN-SIZED POD OPENS WITH A HISS OF AIR AND A GURGLE OF DRAINING FLUIDS.) (BEATRIX STEPS OUT OF THE POD, YAWNING, AND WALKS OVER TO A WINDOW.) BEATRIX Huh! Looks like rain.