PROLOGUE TO CLARA KNOFF
PHILIP
Hello all! Just a few more days until the season continues! In the meantime we wanted to share a little teaser with you. It’s a teaser for our new Patreon bonus episode Clara Knoff. It’s an episode that has been guest designed by the wonderful Zachary Fortais-Gomm of The Orphans and it stars the fabulous Karin Heimdal from the Y2K podcast. Both people we’ve wanted to work with for a long time and we’re glad that we finally got the opportunity to do so. Anyway, we think it’s a very fun episode, so we’ll play you the prologue for it now, and if you’d like to hear it in full, why not consider becoming a patron and helping us to keep the show alive. Okay, enough of me, let’s go to Golovin where the Interviewer has been let out into the prison courtyard for a bit of fresh air, under the watchful eye of Oleg, of course. Enjoy the prologue!
PROLOGUE
OUTSIDE IN THE GOLOVIN COURTYARD. A PRISON DOOR OPENS.
INTERVIEWER
Ahhh! Finally some air!
OLEG
Mmm. Da.
INTERVIEWER
I can’t believe I’m only allowed into the courtyard once a week. Can you believe that, Oleg?
OLEG
Njet.
INTERVIEWER
I mean! I’m a Block D inmate! We are supposed to be VIP! Isn’t that right, Oleg?
OLEG
Da.
THERE'S COMMOTION AND EXCITEMENT SOME WAY OFF.
INTERVIEWER
What is happening? It looks like people are gathering by the fence. The other side of that fence, that’s Block C, isn’t it?
OLEG
Da.
INTERVIEWER
What is happening?
CLARA KNOFF
Listen! Fellow inmates of Golovin! We are going to determine once and for all which block is the best!
CROWD CHEERS AND RATTLES THE FENCE.
CLARA KNOFF
Is it Block C? C for Cockroaches!
BOOING FROM BLOCK C INMATES. THEY SOUND DANGEROUS.
CLARA KNOFF
Or is it Block D? D for Daredevils!
MORE BOOING FROM BLOCK C.
INTERVIEWER
Who is that woman?
CLARA KNOFF
We challenge you to see who can make the highest human pyramid!
YELLING AND BOOING.
INTERVIEWER
A human pyramid? She wants to win at human pyramids with those guys?!
OLEG
Da.
CLARA KNOFF
Are you ready?!
THE BLOCK C INMATES ROAR.
INTERVIEWER
The prisoners in Block C are all body builders and top trained assassins!
OLEG
Da...
INTERVIEWER
Whilst the Block D inmates are a bunch of scientists and nerds!
OLEG
Da.
INTERVIEWER
Well, we don’t stand a chance do we?
OLEG
Njet.
ANT
(IN THE BACKGROUND)
Are you ready for this?
THE BLOCK C INMATES START JUMPING UP ON EACH OTHER'S SHOULDERS. THEY JUMP UP WITH EASE: HUP! HUP! HUP!
CLARA KNOFF
Come on guys! Hiroshi, get on top of my shoulders! Abd al-Rahman Safar! Get in here, you’re bottom left!
THE BLOCK D INMATES START CLIMBING ON TOP OF EACH OTHER. THEY STRUGGLE.
INTERVIEWER
I really hope they’ve been practicing this.
ANT
Everyone, please, we're doing this, there's no backing out!
INTERVIEWER
Oh my God there’s Ant! Hah! Oh, he’s much more nimble than I thought! He’s skinny as a stick insect, though.
ANT
Just let me up there!
INTERVIEWER
Should he really be second tier?
ANT
I'm on your shoulders, remember!
CLARA KNOFF
We can do this guys! The others only have twelve! We just need Wolfgang on top, and we’ve beat them! We can do this! Wolfgang? Wolfgang! Where’s Wolfgang?! Has anyone seen Wolfgang?!
INTERVIEWER
Wasn’t he -
OLEG
Da.
CLARA KNOFF
Wolfgang? Wolfgang!
INTERVIEWER
He’s in the basement!
CLARA KNOFF
What?
INTERVIEWER
Wolfgang was sent to the basement!
CLARA KNOFF
Shit! We need someone else! You! Yes, you! Climb up here!
INTERVIEWER
Is she pointing at -
OLEG
Da.
CLARA KNOFF
Come on! Quick! Or we’ll lose this thing!
INTERVIEWER
But I wasn’t here for the rehearsal!
CLARA KNOFF
Climb!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, well, I do love a challenge...
THE INTERVIEWER STARTS CLIMBING.
CLARA KNOFF
Come on! Quick!
INTERVIEWER
Though I’m not so fond of sweating. Oh - sorry!
CLARA KNOFF
Come on!
INTERVIEWER
Can I step on your - oh sorry! Ah!
ANT
Don't kick me!
INTERVIEWER
Oh my gosh. Ant, I do apologize, I didn’t mean to kick your ear!
ANT
That hurt!
CLARA KNOFF
Come on!
INTERVIEWER
Oh - oh - oh - and I’m up! I’m up! Oh my gosh this is high! It didn’t look quite as high from below! Did we win?
CLARA KNOFF
We have to stay standing for at least ten seconds. We have eight left... Seven...
HEAVY BREATHING. THEY ARE STRUGGLING.
CLARA KNOFF
Come on guys! We’re protecting the honour of Block D! Three... Two -
ALL OF THE BLOCK D INMATES
Aaaaaahhh!
THE HUMAN PYRAMID TUMBLES TO THE GROUND. SCREAMS AND SHRIEKS AS THIRTEEN BODIES TUMBLE TO THE GROUND. IN A BIG MESSY PILE.
BLOCK C INMATE
Losers! Block C has win!
ANT
Hiroshi, I'm so sorry I landed on you!
INTERVIEWER
I’m alive! I'm alive! I don’t think I’ve broken anything. Just a few bruises. I’m bleeding! What is this? My blood is blue. Either I’m suddenly royal or... No, no no, it's the fountain pen! Oleg! See!
CLARA KNOFF
(WHISPERING)
Pst! Hey! You!
INTERVIEWER
What?
CLARA KNOFF
Stay down! In the commotion no one will hear us talking!
INTERVIEWER
What is going on?
CLARA KNOFF
You are the disappearance guy, right?
INTERVIEWER
Yes?
CLARA KNOFF
Sign up for potato peeling!
INTERVIEWER
But I hate peeling potatoes!
CLARA KNOFF
Potato duty is the only time prisoners can talk in private! Please sign up for potato peeling tomorrow! I need your help!
INTERVIEWER
OK...
CLARA KNOFF
Thanks. Looks like your pen broke in the fall.
INTERVIEWER
It did.
CLARA KNOFF
You can borrow mine.
INTERVIEWER
(SKEPTICAL)
It’s red.
CLARA KNOFF
I prefer red ink. It matches my personality.
INTERVIEWER
Is it remarkably silent?
CLARA KNOFF
I don’t know? Probably not.
INTERVIEWER
Never mind then. I’ll see you tomorrow.
END OF PROLOGUE
THEME TUNE - RUSSIAN VERSION
PHILIP
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