SEMI SKIMMED MILK

INTERVIEWER

How's he settling in?

ALVINA

He's really gone for the haunted mansion look. Candle stubs, cobwebs, creaky doors, a flickering chandelier.

INTERVIEWER

And he's sticking to the rules?

ALVINA

So far, yes. Only conducts his hauntings at night. He followed Cody into a bar yesterday. Waited till he went to the toilet and then jumped out at him from behind the urinal. Scared the bejesus out of him.

INTERVIEWER

Hahahaha!

ALVINA

Here's his shopping list for today.

INTERVIEWER

I'll get Joey and Salvatore on the case as soon as they get back from the mortuary. (TAKES LIST) What does he need all this for?

ALVINA

God knows.

INTERVIEWER

Methylated spirits, gaffer tape, rat poison, a megaphone, a wheel clamp, camphorated oil, fifty feet of chain and a bottle of semi skimmed milk.

ALVINA

Luke has a strange mind. Oh, by the way, someone left this book in my office, is it yours?

INTERVIEWER

"Collected Plays of Pirandello." No.

ALVINA

Well I doubt it belongs to Joey or Salvatore.

INTERVIEWER

(RIFLES THROUGH THE PAGES) Any good? I've just finished “Fear and Trembling”. "Six Characters in Search of an Author." Intriguing title. I might give it a whirl...

ALVINA

Alternatively, you could read my report on the next clien-

INTERVIEWER

I like to be-

ALVINA

Don't even finish that sentence.

INTERVIEWER

Surprised! I like to be surprised!

ALVINA

I like to be prepared!

INTERVIEWER

Surprised!

ALVINA

Prepared!

INTERVIEWER

Surprised!

ALVINA

Prepared!

INTERVIEWER

Surprised!

ALVINA

BOO!

INTERVIEWER

What was that?

ALVINA

I was trying to surprise you.

INTERVIEWER

Well, I was prepared.

ALVINA

How do you do it?

INTERVIEWER

Do what?

ALVINA

You're doing it again?

INTERVIEWER

Doing what?

ALVINA

Pretending you don't have a clue when in fact-

INTERVIEWER

Yes?

ALVINA

When in fact...

INTERVIEWER

Yes?

ALVINA

No no no no no, your ego is big enough as it is.

INTERVIEWER

Go on! When in fact...?

ALVINA

Bye bye. (STARTS WALKING OUT)

INTERVIEWER

When in fact? What where you going to say? Alvina!

ALVINA

(FROM DOWN THE CORRIDOR) Have fun with the next client!

OYSTEIN

Percy. Episode nine of The Amelia Project. Coming soon.