MINISODE - SHOPPING FOR KOZLOWSKI
PIP
Hello dear Amelia listeners! It’s a chilly evening, I’m looking out at the sea, I’m coming to you from a beach in Normandy where I’m recording this on my phone. Uhm, so the reason for this is that I have some super exciting news! I didn’t want to wait until I am back home in a few days time and reunited with my mic, I wanted to get this out straight to you right away, even if it’s in scrappy audio quality - and let you know that we’ve reached 80% of our crowdfunding goal on Indigogo! And so to mark this milestone, we are releasing a little sketch today to celebrate! So that’ll be coming up in just one moment, but before that, yeah I actually just wanted to say thank you to everybody who has already chipped in! We’re so, so grateful, so so excited that it looks like we’re gonna be able to make the Amelia Project Audio Advent Calendar the way we want to. And yeah, that’s absolutely- just so- so every new backup puts a smile on our face and a spring on your step, and yeah, and we’re so excited that you’re as excited as we are to make this project. And since this Crowdfunding is going so well, we have added a stretch goal - so if we exceed our target and make our stretch goal, we have decided we are going to fast track Season five and bring it to you- and launch it already in just over a month’s time, so - in early September. So we’re adding that stretch goal today, if you’d like to- if you haven’t yet supported the Indigogo, if you’d still like to, if you have the means, then you can head over to the Indigogo page and check out the perks. I’ll give the info again at the end, but right now, let’s not waste any more time - let’s go from this beach in Normandy to a rainy December day in London. Where the Interviewer is on a shopping mission for Kozlowski. Hope you enjoy this minisode!
A LONDON STREET JUST BEFORE CHRISTMAS. THE INTERVIEWER IS ALREADY REALLY FRUSTRATED, IMPATIENT AND DOWNRIGHT ANGRY. THERE IS FAINT MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND, PATTER OF RAIN, UMBRELLA GETS OPENED.
INTERVIEWER (ON THE PHONE, LEAVING A MESSAGE)
Kozlowski? Kozlowski! I need you to call me back as soon as you hear this!
First of all, I don't understand why I need to do your Christmas shopping! Just because you prefer to hide in your lab!
And I thought the excuse that you needed to work on Mrs. Harmon's replacement corpse was especially weak - seeing as we're using the corpse of her identical twin sister!
You know - Next year you can bloody well do your own shopping! Hm!
Anyhow. I'm here with your shopping list now, in the pissing rain, and I can't make head nor tail of it.
(HUFFS) I mean, did you know I can not read your handwriting even after all these years? Really! I think your handwriting's getting worse. Is that even possible? You would have thought at some point it just couldn't degenerate any further. But your handwriting, it it- doesn't just degenerate, does it, it it- mutates!
Oh, it went through a crows feet stage, that was when you took to writing with a crows foot, wasn't it? Then it was reduced to what looked like a single undulating line barely gracing the page. I- I mean, nowadays it's just aggressive blotches of ink as if you tried to stab the notebook to death!
Oh, the first item on this list, can you please tell me what it is meant to say!? Sire-woks? Furry-whacks? Fir-works? I mean- Is that a type of wood? Oh - ah! Ahahaha!
(LAUGHS)
Oh yes! Fireworks! Oh, I just got it. That makes more sense. I was wondering if you were redecorating the lab there for a second. Well, maybe you are. Going for "explosion-chic".
Now. The second item is even more puzzling though. I mean, I can actually work out what this one says: "Lego for shoe".
But I mean...! Are you building shoes out of Lego? Cause I can tell you right now, that is not going to work! They'll be very uncomfortable, and they'll fall apart when you walk!
Then the third item, it says: "Medical spirits will not do".
BEAT.
How is that an item on a shopping list!?!
"Medical spirits won't do"?! I mean, sure, fine! I'm sure you're right! Though I don't know why, but - but what am I supposed to do about it?! Go into the "Not-medical-spirits-but-the-thing-you-need-instead-shop"? I mean, really?!
(SIGHS) Then it says "Lisp girl, fist Edison".
(TO A PASSER BY THAT MAKES A SCANDALISED SOUND IN THE BACKGROUND)
Oh, nono, don't look at me like that, I didn't write this list! You try reading it! You try reading this handwriting! Go on! Oh no, don’t you walk away from me you driving idiot! (HUFFS A BREATH)
(BACK TO THE PHONE)
I'm sorry, I'm getting weird looks.Although I don't blame them! It sounds rude. What on earth does ""Lisp girl, fist Edison" mean?
(MOSTLY TO HIMSELF)
(GENUINELY CONCEREND) Sometimes I wonder about your mental state...
(NOTICING)
I suppose the I could be an O, couldn’t it.. "Losp girl". That doesn't help much though, does it…
Wait, that's what your I's look like! Then that's an I... Well, and that's probably an R...
(SLOWLY)
"Lost... girl... first... edition"... Lost Girl, first edition! Oh, it must be your Christmas present for Alvina! That makes a lot more sense.
Whew! For a minute there I was worried I'd have to go to Soho and visit one of those shops... Now I'll head for an antique bookshop instead. Oh, I'll feel a lot more at home there.
And I can at least get one of the things on this list for you!
BEAT.
Not much relief though, is it…
Oh, Wait a minute. If this is Alvina's Christmas present... I wonder if the other items are also...?
Fireworks! Well that's Salvatore's present, of course!
Hopefully this can help me figure out the other two riddles...
"Medical spirits will not do". Because... medical spirits can't cure whatever is up with Joey! So that means, I'll have to get... wait what? No, that doesn't make any sense.
Aha! Oh! Spirits! Amelia's present! "Medical spirits will not do" - oh, they absolutely will not! She does not want to drink any more punch made from medical-spirits, not after last year's Christmas party... Oh it shall forever be remembered as "The Boxing Day from Hell"... We all had it bad, but Amelia, poor thing, had drunk that punch like water. Hm!
Oh well, I guess this is your way of saying sorry. I'll get her a bottle of something very nice and very expensive from you. An aged Japanese whiskey perhaps - that'll impress her. Don't worry, old boy, you'll be back in her good books before you know it! (CHUCKLES)
Now to the one item that's left: "Lego for shoe". That must be Joey's present then. But why on earth would you -
(LAUGHS)
Ahaha! Yes! I get it! Oh! Because he falls asleep all the time! If he puts a piece of Lego in his shoe, he'll step on the Lego wherever he goes, and the pain will keep him awake! Oh that’s genius, oh and so thoughtful!
I'll head to Hamley's next, then.
Now, I think I've solved them all. Though, if you could call me back anyway, though. I need to know if I got it right, or if I'm headed into all the wrong shops. There's only so much shopping in the rain I'm willing to do, even for you!
Oh, and if you are actually working on Mrs. Harmon's sister, remember to look closely at the nostrils, hm? It's the nostrils that will give her away!
Good lord, I don't know why I'm telling you, you're the one who taught me all there is to know about nostrils.
Now call me -
Wait a minute! (REALISING) Oh you scoundrel! You're not operating, are you? You just wanted me out of the office because you're... wrapping my present! Oh, oh, I can't wait to see what you got me this year!
I have the best present for you by the way. I know it can never top when I gave you that Bonsai tree with the Bonsai donkey. But I promise it's good!
Oh, I really can't wait to see what you've got me this year!
I hope it's chocolate! (EXCITED INTERVIEWER SOUND)
(HE HANGS UP)
PIP
We hope you enjoyed this minosode, it was written by Oystein Ulsberg Brager, performed by Alan Burgon and sound design by Adam Raymonda, who also cameo’d as the passerby. If you would like to support our Indigogo - there’s still a bit of time to do so, there is a link in the shownotes of this episode, otherwise you can visit ameliapodcast.com where there’s also a link, visit any of our social media sites, or just go directly to Indigogo and type in The Amelia Project Audio Advent Calendar. It’s getting rather chilly on this beach so I am going to go off in search for some cocoa. Happy summer everybody
END.