SPIKED COCOA
PIP YAWNS LOUDLY.
OYSTEIN
Pip, Pip, wake up!
PIP
What time is it?
OYSTEIN
It's the 4th of April and it's six am!
PIP
The 4th of April? That means...
OYSTEIN
It means we've just got one week left until the launch of Season Three Part Two! And it's not going to write itself...
PIP
Crap. We, we better get cracking!
PIP GETS OUT OF BED AND THEY HEAD OVER TO THEIR WRITING DESK.
OYSTEIN
Right.
PIP
Right.
OYSTEIN
Right.
PIP
Right.
OYSTEIN
Right. Righty-ho. Um... Cocoa?
PIP
Oh yes!
OYSTEIN POURS COCOA.
OYSTEIN
You're in luck. It's my own recipe. Melted Norwegian Freya chocolate with a pinch of chili.
THEY DRINK.
OYSTEIN
Ah... Haha... So. Season Three. Where were we?
PIP
Uhm...
OYSTEIN
Uh...
PIP
Uhm - Moscow!
OYSTEIN
(SIMULTANEOUSLY)
Panaragua!
PIP
I'm pretty sure it was Russia.
OYSTEIN
No, I am confident it was South America.
PIP
No, no, because there was something about a prison...
OYSTEIN
I remember Amelia was interviewing a telepathic fetus with a Spanish accent.
pip
You're clearly tripping.
OYSTEIN
Okay, I know how we're gonna settle this. I think we need to remind ourselves exactly where we left off.
REWIND.
PIP
Good idea. Let's go back.
THEY INSERT A TAPE INTO A CASSETTE PLAYER AND REWIND.
STOP. PLAY.
ELIZABETH
Do you mind if I smoke?
INTERVIEWER
Go for it. Do you mind if I blow bubbles?
ELIZABETH
Excuse me?
INTERVIEWER
It helps me think.
STOP.
PIP
No, no, not that far back!
OYSTEIN
Oopps.
FAST FORWARD. PLAY.
AMELIA
Welcome!
MATEO
Do you mind if I smoke?
AMELIA
Do you mind if I throw darts?
MATEO
Excuse me?
AMELIA
It helps me think.
PIP
That's season 3! That's Amelia interviewing Mateo!
IN THE BACKGROUND THE TAPE IS WHIRRING.
OYSTEIN
Mateo? Who was he again?
PIP
He's that incompetent guy from The Incognito Project, a rival company to The Amelia Project.
OYSTEIN
But why was Amelia conducting the interview?
PIP
Don't you remember what happened to the Interviewer?
OYSTEIN
Sure! He uhm... went on holiday?
PIP
Oh, come on.
PLAY.
TATIANA
I'll attach one padlock here -
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
TATINA
And another one here -
INTERVIEWER
Right.
TATIANA
Not too tight?
INTERVIEWER
Uhm, no, don't worry, still got a bit of wiggle room.
SHE TIGHTENS THE CHAINS.
INTERVIEWER
Ouch! That, that's... um, that is a little tight.
TATIANA
Shhh. Press the intercom.
INTERVIEWER
Excuse me?
TATIANA
Darling, you're going to press the intercom and tell those two Italians that you need some fresh air. You're popping out to get some chocolate.
INTERVIEWER
Uh, um...
TATIANA
Do you feel that?
INTERVIEWER
What's-?
TATIANA
That's a gun. Any funny business and I'll use it. Now press the intercom.
INTERVIEWER
But my hands are chained behind -
TATIANA
I said press the intercom!
INTERVIEWER
Uh -
TATIANA
Just do it! Face!
SHE SLAMS HIS FACE ONTO THE INTERCOM.
INTERVIEWER
Joey? Salvatore? I need to get the office out of my lungs for a bit. I'll just pop into the corner shop for a... KitKat. Back in a jiffy.
STOP. FAST FORWARD.
OYSTEIN
Right, right. The Interviewer was escorted out of the office...
PIP
and put onto a plane...
PLAY.
INTERVIEWER
What type of plane is this? By the sound of the engine I'm guessing... an Antonov An-148?
PILOT
(IN RUSSIAN) Can you make him shut up?
TATIANA
(IN RUSSIAN) I've tried.
PILOT
(IN RUSSIAN) It's distracting.
TATIANA
(IN RUSSIAN) I know.
PILOT
Hey, hey! You need to zip it! We arrive in Moscow in one hour.
AMELIA THEME, RUSSIAN VERSION.
OYSTEIN AND PIP TALK OVER THE MUSIC.
PIP
HA! Told you! He's taken to Russia!
OYSTEIN
Argh! I guess it was Russia then. Well, in that case, do you want a bit of vodka to go into that cocoa, Pip?
PIP
Don't mind if I do!
OYSTEIN POURS VODKA INTO THE COCOAS.
OYSTEIN
There you go... oh, careful there!
PIP AND OYSTEIN
Nastrovye!
OYSTEIN STOPS THE TAPE.
OYSTEIN
Ah. So, you were saying the Interviewer ended up in... a prison? What was it called again?
PIP
I don't know, you wrote it.
OYSTEIN
No I didn't. That was you.
FAST FORWARD.
PIP
Was it?
OYSTEIN
Golovanov or Golovkin or something.
PIP
Let's check.
PLAY.
BORIS
Welcome to Golovin.
INTERVIEWER
Charming place.
BORIS
The securest prison in Russia!
INTERVIEWER
Why am I here?
BORIS
You should be flattered! Golovin is heavily overbooked!
STOP.
OYSTEIN
Golovin!
FAST FORWARD.
OYSTEIN
I remember now! The prison wasn't quite what the Interviewer was expecting...
PLAY.
INTERVIEWER
Uhm...
BORIS
Well, in you go.
INTERVIEWER
Well fry me like a kipper and call me breakfast!
BORIS
Is it to your liking?
INTERVIEWER
My desk, my armchair, my cabinet... My book shelf!
BORIS
Ah, it should all be there.
STOP.
PIP
So, he's in a prison cell which is a replica of his office back in London! The difference being that he can't leave and that it comes with a man called Oleg who transcribes everything the Interviewer says.
FAST FORWARD.
PLAY.
INTERVIEWER
Oleg. Are you writing down everything we're saying?
OLEG
Da.
ALEKSEI
That was "yes".
INTERVIEWER
Why? No, no. Let me guess. You're making a transcript. For Boris.
SOUND OF TYPING.
OLEG
(IN RUSSIAN) Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Oleg, would you care to elaborate on what this is all about?
OLEG
(IN RUSSIAN) No.
ALEKSEI
That was "no."
INTERVIEWER
You just say two words, yes and no?
OLEG
Da.
INTERVIEWER
Nothing else?
OLEG
Njet.
INTERVIEWER
Well, this is all most unusual.
STOP.
OYSTEIN
Something was going on back in London? Do you remember what that was?
PIP
Njet.
OYSTEIN
Want to listen?
PIP
Da. But first, could I get a little bit more cocoa? It'll help me concentrate.
OYSTEIN
It's very plot heavy! And we're just a few episodes into the season!
PIP
Let's go get our cocoa top up.
OYSTEIN
Definitely!
THEY GET UP AND START WALKING TOWARDS THE KITCHEN.
OYSTEIN
Whilst we go and fill our cups, we could have an ad break.
PIP
Okay, but then let's make it a fun one.
OYSTEIN
I prefer the fun ones.
PIP
Like the one with the kitten!
OYSTEIN
Or the one where Alvina nearly exposed The Amelia Project on the internet!
THEY TRAIL OFF INTO THE BACKGROUND.
AD BREAK.
PIP
Ah, this cocoa is delicious. I feel completely re-energized now!
OYSTEIN
Ah. Me too. Let's keep going!
PIP
Let's! Let's find out what was going on in London.
PLAY.
JACKIE
Let him go Mia. Jackie Williams and Mia Fox. CIA.
COLE
What?!
MIA
That's right honeysuckle. Game's up.
HAINES
Christopher Haines and Henry Cole. MI5.
MIA
What?!
JACKIE
Are you bullshitting us?
COLE
Well, I was about to ask you the same question.
HAINES
Show us your badges!
JACKIE
Show us yours!
COLE
Show yours first!
HAINES
Let's all show our badges on three right? One. Two. Three.
THEY ALL WHIP OUT THEIR BADGES.
MIA
Well this is awkward.
STOP.
PIP
That's right. Cole and Haines aren't the only ones trying to track down The Amelia Project. CIA agents Jackie Williams and Mia Fox are hot on the trail too!
FAST FORWARD.
OYSTEIN
And with the Interviewer gone, Amelia has to take care of the clients. That's why she was interviewing this Mateo guy!
PLAY.
MATEO
Here's my card.
AMELIA
(READS) Tip.
MATEO
T.I.P.
AMELIA
Okay. What's T.I.P?
MATEO
The Incognito Project.
AMELIA
And what does "The Incognito Project" do?
MATEO
Well, we make people disappear.
AMELIA
Get out.
MATEO
Our coffins are state of the art. Oxygen tanks, back massage technology, broadband. We pop some protein bars in the deceased's pockets - boom - they survive for days.
STOP. FAST FORWARD.
PIP
Yes! It turns out Mateo isn't a client... instead he's offering The Incognito Project's services! He knows The Amelia Project is on the run from MI5 and offers to fake their deaths in return for the Amelia Project surgeon.
OYSTEIN
Oh, but she sent him packing though, didn't she?
PLAY.
MATEO
So? You've made up your mind? We have a deal?
AMELIA
Right now there's just one decision, and it's for you.
MATEO
Haha, oh yeah? What's that?
AMELIA
Do you want to leave with or without a dart stuck in your bally balls?
STOP. FAST FORWARD.
OYSTEIN
It's all coming back to me. The team have to vacate the London office before Mateo reveals their whereabouts to MI5. The Interviewer has told them to board a plane to Moscow to join him. And Amelia and Alvina hail a taxi while Joey and Salvatore load up the van.
PLAY.
SALVATORE
Seat belt.
JOEY
(ANSWERS IN ITALIAN)
SALVATORE
Seat belt!
salvatore
JOEY
Okay, okay, va bene!
JOEY PUTS ON THE SEAT BELT. A RUSTLE IN THE BACK OF THE VAN.
SALVATORE
Did you hear that?
JOEY
No.
SALVATORE
I thought I heard... something in the back.
A LOUDER RUSTLE.
SALVATORE
What was that? Hey! Who's there?!
HAINES
Hands above your heads!
JOEY
(FREAKS OUT IN ITALIAN)
COLE
Looks like we got here just in time...
SALVATORE
We're only going to Tesco's to get some loo roll.
COLE
Oh, you box up your office every time you go to Tesco's do you?
HAINES
Shit! Cole! Look!
COLE
What?
HAINES
The others are getting into a taxi! Two women and... an Egyptian mummy?
STOP.
OYSTEIN
The man who looks like a mummy is Todd, a butcher who makes pies out of-
PIP
Um, can we skim over that bit? It's just this cocoa and vodka has made me a tad queasy and I don't want to... you know...
OYSTEIN
Do you want me to go get a bucket?
PIP
No no, I'll be fine. As long as we don't talk about Todd.
FAST FORWARD.
OYSTEIN
So, Cole and Haines are in striking distance of Amelia and Alvina, but something happened... something happened involving Mia and Jackie...
PLAY.
HAINES
We were this close!
JACKIE
Where's the taxi?
HAINES
Fuck knows!
COLE
You scared them off!
HAINES
You idiots!
COLE
Haines, Haines!
HAINES
What?
COLE
The Italians!
HAINES
Oh shit!
JACKIE
Italians?
HAINES
The van! They mustn't get away!
MIA RUNS TO THE VAN.
MIA
Nobody here.
JACKIE
Morons! You should have told us to start by securing the van!
HAINES
If you hadn't handcuffed us, we'd have the ringleaders by now! Cretins!
JACKIE
Clowns!
COLE
Guys! Guys! Check the bag!
MIA
What?
COLE
There's a zip bag in the back.
MIA
Jesus! There's a corpse in there!
COLE
No it's not a corpse. Their surgeon.
MIA
Sorry?
COLE
Their surgeon. At least we have their surgeon...
STOP.
PIP
Oh my God, they've got Kozlowski! Why did you write that he drugged himself and he is napping in a bodybag?
OYSTEIN
Because he hates car journeys? I dunno... It seemed like a good idea at the time.
PIP
Well Kozlowski is in a pickle now!
OYSTEIN
At least back in Russia, things are going well! The Interviewer is continuing to run The Amelia Project from his prison cell, helping clients disappear. Clients such as...
PLAY.
INTERVIEWER
Tell me. Why are you in prison?
ALEKSEI
I stole a loaf of bread.
INTERVIEWER
Oh! Golly! How very Les Miserables of you.
ALEKSEI
Excuse me?
INTERVIEWER
Quite the Jean Valjean! Do you sing?
ALEKSEI
No.
INTERVIEWER
Pity.
FAST FORWARD.
OYSTEIN
And...
PLAY.
TYPING NOISES.
INTERVIEWER
Why are you typing on a laptop whilst walking? Hello?
MAI-LINH
Sorry! I have to get this chapter finished in the next 60 seconds, or it all goes from pudding to poop real quick!
FAST FORWARD.
OYSTEIN
And!
PLAY.
DARIA
Meet us in the cleaning cupboard on level 4, block A, in one hour. Now, scream.
INTERVIEWER
Sorry?
DARIA
Scream!
DARIA PUSHES THE INTERVIEWER BACK INTO THE CANTEEN.
DARIA
(SWEARS IN RUSSIAN)
STOP.
FAST FORWARD.
OYSTEIN
Or, one of my favorites...!
PLAY.
INTERVIEWER
Listen, do I know you? Now that we’re not squashed under a human pyramid, your face seems rather familiar. Are you by any chance... Clara Knoff?
CLARA KNOFF
The very same.
INTERVIEWER
What an honour! I recognize your face from the back of your book! I absolutely loved it!
CLARA KNOFF
You know my book?
INTERVIEWER
Do I know it?! Hah! “A Catalogue of British Nipples. The thousand most intriguing nipples in the UK.” I mean, it's one of a kind!
STOP.
PIP
Hang on Oystein! (WHISPERS) Those last two were Patreon episodes.
OYSTEIN
(WHISPERS) How does one get hold of those again?
PIP
(WHISPERS) By going to ameliapodcast.com, clicking on "support the show" and becoming a $5 patron. It means you get access to all sorts of bonus content and it provides the team with some cocoa money.
OYSTEIN
(WHISPERS) That's right! That's how I could afford to buy this cocoa. I stole the vodka.
PIP
(WHISPERS) If you're listening to this, please help us buy more cocoa.
OYSTEIN
I remember now. The last client the Interviewer saw... that was the president!
PIP
Yup, I do remember them going to the Kremlin, yes!
PLAY.
INTERVIEWER
What can I do for you mister...?
JULIO
Presidente Julio Che Rodriguez Alvarez de la Fuente, Major General of the Panaraguan Freedom Army of 1972.
OYSTEIN
I remember that Julio wants the Interviewer to fake his assassination and bring him back as his nemesis: Pablo Perez Garcia.
PIP
And it all went without a hitch!
OYSTEIN
Without a hitch!
PLAY.
BORIS
There's a hitch.
INTERVIEWER
Dammit!
OYSTEIN AND PIP
Dammit.
INTERVIEWER
What is it?
BORIS
Your team... has gone missing.
INTERVIEWER
What do you mean they've gone missing?!
BORIS
Disappeared.
INTERVIEWER
Is this a joke? Because it's really not the time, Boris!
BORIS
It's not a joke.
INTERVIEWER
What happened?!
BORIS
The surgeon and the Italians never reached the embassy.
INTERVIEWER
What about Alvina and Amelia?
BORIS
They boarded a plane to Moscow, but the plane...
INTERVIEWER
Yes?
BORIS
Well... It...
INTERVIEWER
Don't say disappeared. Do not say disappeared.
BORIS
Disappeared.
INTERVIEWER
God dammit man what kind of amateurs are you?! How can you lose track of a plane? How is that even possible? I told you I need my team!
BORIS
Look, you managed perfectly well with Mai-Linh!
INTERVIEWER
Mai-Linh? Mai-Linh!? Mai-Linh was peanuts! This is different! I mean, how am I going to change Julio's identity without a ruddy surgeon!? It can't be done!
JULIO
You can't do it?!
INTERVIEWER
No! Not without my team, no!
BORIS
You have to!
INTERVIEWER
Or else?
JULIO
Or else I'm screwed!
BORIS
Which means Mikhail is screwed. Which means I'm screwed. Which means you're screwed.
beat.
INTERVIEWER
Which means we're all going to have a jolly reunion in the Golovin basement.
STOP.
PIP
Amelia and Alvina didn't land in Russia, they landed in...
PLAY.
ALVINA
Oh God.
AMELIA
What?
ALVINA
We’re in Panaragua!
STOP.
PIP
Panaragua.
OYSTEIN
Panaragua!
PIP
Okay, fine, you were right about Panaragua. Remember, the Interviewer met an old acquaintance back in Golovin!
PLAY.
INTERVIEWER
Ant!
ANT
Well, panda ants aren't actually ants, they're a type of wingless wasp known from the mutillidae family.
INTERVIEWER
Ant!
ANT
It does look like an ant though doesn't it? Don't let its cute appearance fool you though. Panda ants aren't called "cow-killers" for nothing. Their sting is fierce.
INTERVIEWER
Oh for God's sake, Ant!
ANT
Oh, hello.
STOP.
OYSTEIN
What was Ant doing in Golovin? That makes no sense.
PIP
Well, it turns out Golovin is no ordinary prison...
PLAY.
ANT
Have you met any of the other Block D inmates?
INTERVIEWER
I try not to socialise with arsonists and axe murderers.
ANT
(LAUGHS) This isn't where they keep the criminals! This is the VIP block.
INTERVIEWER
What do you mean?
ANT
This corridor is home to some of the brightest brains in astronomy, linguistics and computer science.
INTERVIEWER
And they put me with you?
ANT
Hiroshi next door is Japan's most eminent robotics engineer. They captured and brought him here to create the world's first robotic ballerina.
INTERVIEWER
Well fry me like a sausage!
ANT
Then there's Abd al-Rahman Safar.
INTERVIEWER
The psychic? Didn't he go missing right after he was on The Late Show with Stephen Colb- oh I see.
ANT
He's right here in cell 233 using clairvoyance to help the Russians obtain state secrets.
INTERVIEWER
Well dip me in ketchup and call me a french fry!
STOP.
PIP
Ant was there to create a new cybug for the Russians, but now he has to help the Interviewer transform the president into Pablo Perez Garcia!
OYSTEIN
But... (LAUHGS) But that's impossible, isn't it?
PIP
No, not for a genius like Ant, surely!
PLAY.
ANT
Next we're going to need webspinner silk. It's one of the strongest natural fibers and ideal for skin grafts. We're going to have to move Julio's nose slightly to the left.
INTERVIEWER
How do we do that?
ANT
We could always try the Canadian Woodcutter Bug...
INTERVIEWER
(INCREDULOUS) The Canadian Woodcutter Bug?!
ANT
Look, do you want to try this thing or not?
INTERVIEWER
I -
STOP.
PIP
That's... definitely goinna work...
OYSTEIN
Well, somehow we're going to have to make it work!
PIP
What do you mean?
OYSTEIN
We have to write ourselves out of this madness! The team split between two continents? Pitted against each other on opposite sides of a civil war? I mean! What were we thinking?!
PIP
I don't know. We've really written ourselves into a corner this time. And I thought the Percy episode was taking it too far...
OYSTEIN
You're lucky, though. Yeah, you are. Because I've got just the thing to give us some more inspiration.
PIP
What's that?
OYSTEIN
A birthday present.
PIP
Oh... I... thought you'd...
OYSTEIN
Fourth of April. Of course I didn't forget. Happy Birthday Pip.
PIP OPENS HIS PRESENT.
PIP
Veuve Clicquot!
OYSTEIN
Let's crack it open and get writing.
PIP
I've already had rather a lot of that spiked cocoa. If I want a clear head for writing-
OYSTEIN
Believe me, the more of that Veuve Clicquot gets in your bloodstream, the better the season will be.
PIP
Well, it can't get any more convoluted... Can it?
POP OF CHAMPAGNE CORK. THEY POOR TWO FLUTES.
OYSTEIN
To Season Three Part Two!
PIP
To Season Three Part Two!
OYSTEIN
Launching next week! Cheers!
PIP
Cheers!
THEY CLINK AND DRINK. THE THEME TUNE FADES IN.
OYSTEIN
Oh. Uhm. That telepathic fetus, though? That must have been a dream, right? Do you think I should go see someone about that? That's a very weird dream to have...
PIP
We hope you enjoyed this recap of Season 3 Part 1 and we can't wait to be back on your pocast feeds next week!
If you are a patron you can log on to our Patreon-page now to listen to the new full length bonus episode Clara Knoff! It contains human pyramids, a potato peeling challenge and nipples. That's all I'll say.
If you're not yet a patron, why not join our cocoa loving community? It's a great way to support the show, get bonus bits and bobs, and behind the scenes access such as regular live stream QnAs. Every new patron makes us so incredibly happy. For more info visit ameliapodcast.com and click on "support the show" and we've got a video there explaining exactly how Patreon works. Again, that's ameliapodcast.com.
We'll be back on the regular feed on the 12th April with episode 34: Pablo Perez Garcia. See you then!
OYSTEIN
Veuve Clicquot though, you don't get weird dreams from Veuve Clicquot? That's, that's safe isn't it? Yeah? I'll have some more... Ah, darn that stuff is good!
THE END.
STING
The Fable and Folly Network.