A-Z TESTS FOR ALVINA WRIGHT

Challenges devised by

(HANDWRITTEN:)

The Interviewer (ELEGANT CURSIVE, SAME SIZE EVERYWHERE, VERY ORDERLY)

Kozlowski (SLIGHTLY THICKER IN WRITING, VERY ELEGANT, FIRST LETTERS BIGGER LIKE BOUND BOOKS)

Amelia (NORMAL PERSON HANDWRITING)

KOZLOWSKI - A for Abracadabra! 

Alvina must perform a magic show.

KOZLOWSKI - B for Boo! 

Frighten us! You have one week. (You may only use props and costumes that can be found in the office)

INTERVIEWER - C for Country. 

Alvina must make a country disappear.

KOZLOWSKI - D for Disorder

Alvina will have no access to post-it notes, marker pens or rulers for a week. She must shuffle the contents of all case files, put on a blindfold and return the pages to the ring binders in random order. No cocoa mugs to be washed for a week. 

INTERVIEWER - E for Errand. 

Get my favourite cocoa beans from Mexico.

(DOODLE OF A MAP WITH SKULL AND CROSSBONES, EXCLAMATION MARKS AND DANGER! WRITTEN EVERYWHERE)

INTERVIEWER- F for Fish

Alvina must dive into the Thames with no fishing equipment and capture a Barbel, a Bleak, a Bream, a Bullhead, a Carp, a Catfish, a Chub, a Dace, a Goldfish, a Greyling, a Gudgeon, a Loach, a Minnow, a Perch, a Pike, a Roach, a Rudd, a Ruff, a Tench and a Zander, using only her hands. 

AMELIA - G for Geolocation is for Sissies

I blindfold Alvina, confiscate her phone, fly her to a remote location and drop her off. A desert or a mountain or something. She has to find her way home.

THE INTERVIEWER - H for Hanging

Needed: Rope and a ladder. 

AMELIA 

This isn’t a test this is murder?!

INTERVIEWER

No, no! I meant she should hang the Liberty Bell! It has been lying around for ages, and I thought it was about time it got a more prominent position. She is not allowed any help to lift it though!!!

AMELIA

The Liberty Bell?

INTERVIEWER

Gift from a client!

KOZLOWSKI - I for Identity

We put her through excruciating torture asking her to reveal her real name. If she keeps insisting she is Alvina Wright, she can stay.

AMELIA

What kind of torture were you thinking?

KOZLOWSKI 

I was thinking tickling. 

INTERVIEWER

Ah, yes! Your collection of dodo feathers! The most tickly feathers ever to have roamed the earth… 

INTERVIEWER - J for juggling

With chainsaws.
(PS. I probably won’t watch.)

INTERVIEWER - K for Karmazov

Alvina must read The Brothers Karmazov backwards. 

KOZLOWSKI - L for Latin 

All case files must be written in Latin. 

AMELIA - M for Marseillaise

Sing the Marseillaise on one leg. 

INTERVIEWER - N for NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Alvina must fulfil every challenge on this list. 

KOZLOWSKI - O for Old school

No electronic forms of communication allowed in the office for a month.

INTERVIEWER - P for Poltergeist 

Get rid of the poltergeist in the upstairs utility cupboard. 

AMELIA

It’s just a creaky door. 

INTERVIEWER

It’s a poltergeist.

INTERVIEWER - Q for Queen

Break into Buckingham Palace and fake the death of a corgi. 

AMELIA - R for Radkov’s Roll

Alvina must accompany me to the Abingdon Air and Country Show, and sit next to me in the cockpit (without vomiting) as I perform Radkov’s Roll.

(AMELIA HAS MADE DOODLE WITH ARROWS OF A PLANE DOING A FULL 360° REVOLUTION. UNDERNEATH THE INTERVIEWER HAS DRAWN A STICKMAN VOMITING AND CROSSED IT OUT)

AMELIA - S for Satantango

Watch all of Bela Tarr’s Satantango without falling asleep.

AMELIA - T for Twitter

Teach Arthur how to use Twitter. 

INTERVIEWER

Twitter? I can twitter with the best of them! What’s twitter? 

AMELIA

Something on the googly. 

KOZLOWSKI - U for No Such Thing As Ugly

I give her the face of Freddy Krüger. If she can bring home a date before one week has passed, she can stay. 

INTERVIEWER - V for Vendetta 

Smuggle a tin of Surströmming into the TIP offices. 

AMELIA

What is Surströmming?

INTERVIEWER

Fermented Herring. Mr Karlsson sent us some to thank us for his death by moose. 

AMELIA

Is that what’s been stinking up the kitchen??? 

AMELIA - W for Wingsuit

Alvina must jump off Tower Bridge in a wingsuit and not land before she’s at Southwark Bridge. 

INTERVIEWER - X for Xylophone

Play Scrabble with North Korean rules. Remember to bring a chicken and a tub of jello. Kozlowski: Can you teach the chicken to play the xylophone?

KOZLOWSKI

I thought North Korean rules involved a donkey, a mountain and a pot of yoghurt?

INTERVIEWER

That is North Mongolian rules!

KOZLOWSKI

Of course, you are right. I will start practising with the chicken.

INTERVIEWER - Y is for Yes to Everything

Alvina must agree to everything for 24 hours.

AMELIA - Z for Zebra prints

Wear nothing but zebra prints for two weeks.