INTRO
Hello, it’s Philip and today we have a special treat for you, we’re going to play you the first episode of The Alvina Archives.
The Alvina Archives is a special Patreon bonus series that we make, which shows life at the Amelia offices from Alvina’s perspective.
It starts with Alvina having just arrived at The Amelia Project and meeting the Interviewer for the very first time. So that’s the episode we’re going to play you now and it’s called The Maltese Falcon. Enjoy!
(MUSIC - A NEW VARIATION OF THE AMELIA THEME)
(A KNOCK ON THE DOOR)
INTERVIEWER
Come in!
(ALVINA POKES HER HEAD AROUND THE DOOR.)
ALVINA
Hello? I'm Alvina... I, uh, Is this a good time?
INTERVIEWER
Please. Take a seat.
ALVINA
Thank you.
(ALVINA STEPS INTO THE OFFICE.)
INTERVIEWER
Cocoa?
ALVINA
Um... sure.
(THE INTERVIEWER POURS TWO CUPS FROM A THERMOS)
INTERVIEWER
"Alvina" you said?
ALVINA
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
And what brings you here tonight?
ALVINA
Um... She... didn't tell you?
INTERVIEWER
Hm? Who?
ALVINA
Amelia!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, she probably left a message somewhere but I don't bother with any of that. I like to be surprised.
ALVINA
Ok...
INTERVIEWER
So. Please. Tell me your story.
ALVINA
I-
INTERVIEWER
No! Wait! First try the cocoa.
(HE PUSHES THE CUP OVER THE DESK TO HER)
ALVINA
I-
INTERVIEWER
I insist.
ALVINA
Okay…
(SHE SIPS)
INTERVIEWER
What do you think?
ALVINA
I'm more of an Earl Grey girl myself, but I must admit this is the best cocoa I have ever tasted.
INTERVIEWER (CHUCKLES)
So, how did Amelia find you?
ALVINA
You really don't know?
INTERVIEWER (TRYING TO SHOW OFF)
I have a lot of cases to keep track of. Do you know how many clients I've seen today alone?
ALVINA
One.
INTERVIEWER
Excuse me?
ALVINA
Theo Birtwhistle at six thirty pm. That was your only appointment today.
INTERVIEWER
(SURPRISED) How the devil did you know that?
ALVINA
Amelia gave me the client list for the week.
INTERVIEWER
(SHOOK) That's so unprofessional. I really need to have a word with her.
(HE TAKES A DEEP BREATH) So, uhm, the two of you are... close?
ALVINA
Well, she did help me to get rid of my boyfriend's corpse and flew me me safely from Samson during a thunderstorm, so I'd like to think that gives us a certain... bond, yes.
INTERVIEWER
Ha! Peanuts.
ALVINA
What?
INTERVIEWER
(PROUD) We've extracted clients from far more precarious situations. We nabbed a Saudi Princess from her husband's yacht in a submarine, we parachuted an ex-prime minister off the Tokyo Tower, we smuggled a Prima Donna out of Milan via the sewer system and helped countless clients cross the Berlin Wall in cars, coffins and hot air balloons.
ALVINA
Well, what may be run of the mill to you was special to me.
INTERVIEWER
(CASUALLY) So, you murdered your boyfriend and you need to disappear?
ALVINA
What, jesus, no!
INTERVIEWER
I thought you said you got rid of your boyfriend's corpse?
ALVINA
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Why?
ALVINA
It was starting to smell.
INTERVIEWER
(LAUGHING) Yes, but why not entrust the corpse to an undertaker?
ALVINA
Because I'd kept his death a secret for several weeks in order to impersonate him?
INTERVIEWER
(HAPPY-INTERVIEWER-SOUND) Well, colour me intrigued!
ALVINA
Sorry, I really thought you knew about all this.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, no, nonono. Tell me everything! I'm all ears.
ALVINA
Oh... We don't have to waste time with that. It's all in the report.
INTERVIEWER
Which report?
ALVINA
I made a detailed report about my disappearance. You'll find a transcript of the dictaphone recording of Amelia's interview with me, pictures of Ronald's corpse, aerial shots of my house collapsing into the sea-
INTERVIEWER
You're speaking as though your disappearance has already taken place.
ALVINA
Well it has.
INTERVIEWER
Then what are you doing here?
ALVINA
I wanted to collect the recording of the Theo Birtwhistle interview. I can get it typed up and added to his file by daybreak.
INTERVIEWER
What?
ALVINA
I also thought it was high time I got to know you in person.
INTERVIEWER
(COMPLETELY CONFUSED) Sorry, sorry, your name was...?
ALVINA
Julia Th- I mean, Alvina Wright. That's still going to take some getting used to.
INTERVIEWER
That name means nothing to me.
ALVINA
I've been here for three days.
INTERVIEWER
(HIGH-PITCHED) Three da- Doing what?
ALVINA
That.
INTERVIEWER
What?
ALVINA
That. On your desk.
INTERVIEWER
This?
ALVINA
Do you even know what that is?
INTERVIEWER
Some junk that Amelia told me to- (HE BREAKS OFF)
ALVINA
What does it say on the front?
INTERVIEWER
(READS) "Case File for Theo Birtwhistle. 18th February 2012. Compiled by Alvina Wright." Oh.
ALVINA
I've been compiling your case files for the last three days! Are you telling me you haven't read any of them?
INTERVIEWER
When you came in here I thought you were a client.
ALVINA
At four am in the morning?
INTERVIEWER
We keep unconventional hours.
ALVINA
I don't believe this. (SIGHS). At least now I know why you never responded.
INTERVIEWER
Hm? Responded to what?
ALVINA
(RESIGNED) Each time I completed a case file, I stuck a post it note inside asking when I should come and introduce myself. I didn't want to just intrude you know, in case you were in the middle of working out a disappearance or something. But I didn't expect three days to go by without any response.
(THE INTERVIEWER LOUDLY SLURPS COCOA)
INTERVIEWER
Yes. Well as it happens your instincts were absolutely right. I am very busy.
ALVINA (CON’T)
Then I heard you pacing around down here and thought, this is the moment. He's still working just like me, there won't be any clients or calls at this time of night, it's the perfect time to finally get acquainted.
INTERVIEWER
Only I'm very busy. Very busy indeed. Very very busy.
ALVINA
Then why did you ask me to come in earlier?
INTERVIEWER
Because I thought you were a client with a story!
ALVINA
Oh, so you've got time for a client, but not for getting to know your new colleague?
INTERVIEWER
(SPLUTTERS HIS COCOA) Colleague?!
ALVINA
She must have told you!
INTERVIEWER
Amelia said nothing- No, Amelia said something about an intern-
ALVINA
Intern?!
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
Or secretary…?
ALVINA
Secretary?
INTERVIEWER
(ANGRY) Or something like that, but I thought I'd talked her out of it!
ALVINA
Why?
INTERVIEWER
(FIRM) Why what?
ALVINA
Why are you so hostile to the idea of having a partner? I mean haven't I proved that I can put together a really detailed case file? (CATCHES HERSELF) No, don't answer that.
INTERVIEWER
I have my own way of doing things.
ALVINA
I think that's why Amelia brought me here.
INTERVIEWER
(UPSET) She's not happy with the way I work?
ALVINA
It's not that, it's just-
INTERVIEWER
Who's she to criticize me?
ALVINA
Your boss?
INTERVIEWER
Boss?
(HUMORLESS LAUGHTER)
(MOCKING) Boss? I was here long before she was even born!
ALVINA
Oh, I just thought that since it's called the Amelia Project- Oh of course, the other Amelia, her grandmother.
INTERVIEWER
I've been here since before her grandmother.
ALVINA
Then-
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
Look, I don't have time to go over the history of the company with you. As I said, I'm very busy.
ALVINA
Doing what.
INTERVIEWER
Making paper aeroplanes.
ALVINA
Ha ha.
INTERVIEWER
It's true. I've perfected my eightfold Bulldog Dart Deluxe with a dihedral angle which allows it to perform a double looping, then boomerang right back to me.
ALVINA
(SCEPTICAL) Um...
INTERVIEWER
Don't believe me?
ALVINA
(STILL SCEPTICAL) Um...
INTERVIEWER
I'll show you.
(THE INTERVIEWER RIPS AND FOLDS PAPER.)
Like so and so and so. And... watch it... and... Go!
(SWOOSHING OF THE PLANE DOING A LOOPING, THEN FLOATING BACK TO THE INTERVIEWER WHO DEFTLY CATCHES IT.)
INTERVIEWER
Pas mal, n'est pas?
ALVINA
That was impressive.
INTERVIEWER
You want to have a go?
ALVINA
(INTRIGUED) Ok.
INTERVIEWER
(HANDING ALVINA THE PLANE) Here. Hold your wrist like so, you want the launch angle to be just so... and... throw!
(THE AEROPLANE GLIDES THROUGH THE AIR, PERFORMING THE LOOPING AND COMING BACK)
ALVINA
(LAUGHS. THEN ABRUPTLY STOPS) Wait.
INTERVIEWER
What?
ALVINA
This paper... is this...?
INTERVIEWER
Hm?
ALVINA
This is yesterday's case file for Tam Curtis!
INTERVIEWER (TALKING OVER HER)
Now, let me show you The Thunderbolt, the plane that won the Red Bull Paper Wings world finals in 2011.
(HE TEARS A PIECE OF PAPER.)
ALVINA
Hey!!! Stop that!!! That's Theo Birtwhistle's-
(THE INTERVIEWER TEARS ANOTHER PIECE OF PAPER.)
ALVINA
-case file!
INTERVIEWER
(THINKING HE IS GETTING SOMEWHERE) You know, maybe these files will come in handy after all. Do keep them coming.
(THE INTERVIEWER TEARS THE WHOLE CASE FILE TO SHREDS.)
ALVINA
You know what? I will.
INTERVIEWER
(SURPRISED) Hm?
ALVINA
I'll keep them coming.
INTERVIEWER
But-
ALVINA (CON’T)
I'll keep going about my research as meticulously as before, and you'll have the new files on your desk at six am every morning.
INTERVIEWER
But-
ALVINA (CON’T)
Whether you read them or make paper aeroplanes out of them is entirely up to you, but the files will keep coming. You're not going to get rid of me that easily. I can be stubborn too, you know.
INTERVIEWER
Uh, god, what was your name again?
ALVINA
Alvina Wright.
INTERVIEWER
Right.
ALVINA
Right. So, I guess that's our meeting done.
(SHE LEAVES, STEPS ON THE FLOOR)
INTERVIEWER
Um, Alvina?
ALVINA
(SCOFFS) Yes?
INTERVIEWER
Maybe there is something you can do for me?
ALVINA
(THINKING SHE'S WON HIM OVER) What's that?
INTERVIEWER
(CONSPIRATORIALLY) A secret mission.
ALVINA
(INTRIGUED) Shoot. I'm listening!
INTERVIEWER
I'll write down directions on this scrap of paper...
(THE INTERVIEWER TEARS ANOTHER SHEET FROM THE FILE. HE SCRIBBLES)
INTERVIEWER
There you go. You'll have to cross Finchley Road, it'll take a good fifteen minutes to get there. When you arrive, there will be a man named Mustafa. Tell him the Maltese Falcon sent you-
ALVINA
(SCEPTICAL) The Maltese Falcon?
INTERVIEWER
A codename. He'll know what to give you.
ALVINA
Ok. You want me to set off right now?
INTERVIEWER
Oh without delay.
ALVINA
I'm on it.
(ALVINA DARTS OUT OF HER CHAIR)
INTERVIEWER
(GRAVELY) Good luck Alvina!
ALVINA
Thank you. Oh and...
INTERVIEWER
Yes?
ALVINA
I'll prove myself. Just you see.
INTERVIEWER (TRYING TO GET HER TO LEAVE)
Yes, ye- to-toodeloo…
(ALVINA LEAVES. THE INTERVIEWER HURRIEDLY PICKS UP THE PHONE.)
INTERVIEWER
Good Lord…
(SOUND OF AN OLD-FASHIONED WHEEL-DIAL. IT TAKES A MOMENT BUT THEN SOMEONE PICKS UP)
(ON THE PHONE) Amelia? Amelia! What is this? I've just had an annoying little pip squeak in my office called Alvina-something who seems to think she's my partner! We've been over this many times, Amelia, it's you me and Kozlowski. We keep our circle small. And we're not a nursery. I mean how old is she anyway?
I've just sent her to the all night petrol station at Swiss Cottage to get Maltesers and I'm going to change the code on the door before she comes back. You hear? I never want to see her again! Understood?
(HE HANGS UP LOUDLY)
(END.)
OUTRO
The Maltese Falcon was written and edited by Philip Thorne with music and sound design by Fredrik Baden, it featured Julia C. Thorne as Alvina and Alan Burgon as The Interviewer. Graphic design by Anders Pedersen and production assistance by Maty Parzival.
The Alvina Archives is available to patrons of the show as from the $5 tier, so if you sign up today you will get immediate access to the next two episodes, you can join us for a video livestream performance of the first three episodes this coming Friday, and you’ll get new Alvina Archives episodes every two weeks.
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