EPISODE 5 - ABNEGATION


Hello! What are we doing popping up here between regular releases you ask? Well, we’ve decided that as a special treat, we’ll make public another episode of
The Alvina Archives, the Patreon bonus series that explores the early days of Alvina joining the company and traces her relationship with The Interviewer, and other characters at the Amelia office.
Today we’re playing you episode 5 of The Alvina Archives, but you don’t need much context to enjoy it. All you need to know is that Alvina has recently starting working at The Amelia Project and after a rocky start in their relationship so far,
Alvina decides she wants to try and bond with The Interviewer over a game of scrabble.
Enjoy the episode.


(TITLE MUSIC)


THE OFFICE.


(ALVINA ENTERS CARRYING A SCRABBLE BOX)


ALVINA
Are you ready to be humbled, overwhelmed and undone?
INTERVIEWER
(GROANS) You again?
ALVINA
Or are you feeling timorous, perturbed or browbeaten?
INTERVIEWER
Are you talking in code?
ALVINA
I'm warming up! 
INTERVIEWER
For a spelling bee or a rap battle?
ALVINA
Scrabble! I brought the box.
INTERVIEWER
What for?
ALVINA
To play.
INTERVIEWER
No, no, no! The note I left on your desk said "raffle"! Not "Scrabble"! I mean, can't you read? We are killing Mother Mary at the next church raffle! She'll draw a mysterious note with a skull drawn on it out of the tombola wheel, then half an hour later she'll topple over the sandwich table dead as a Dodo, finger sandwiches flying everywhere. We're going for an Agatha Christie style murder mystery. How do you read "raffle" and get "Scrabble"? I mean, nobody dies from Scrabble! Unless they eat a tile and choke…
ALVINA
That reminds me. Earlier today, you said that you'd make me eat my words. I've been thinking we should make that into a bet.
INTERVIEWER
Sorry?
ALVINA (CON’T)
I bet I can make you eat your words! I was reigning champion in the "Scilly Scrabble Challenge" three years in a row. Whoever loses tonight, shall eat their words! 
INTERVIEWER
You and I are playing?
ALVINA
Yes. That's what we agreed earlier. 
INTERVIEWER
(REMEMBERING) Oh, yes, right. Of course. I got so caught up in Mother Mary's story I completely forgot. Did you know that when she came to Britain, she could neither read nor write? And now she's translated the Bible into four extinct languages! 
ALVINA
I do know. I compiled her case file. 
INTERVIEWER
Hm. Riveting. So - this bet...
ALVINA
Yes? 
INTERVIEWER
Are you suggesting whoever loses eats their remaining Scrabble pieces? Because Kozlowski and I did something similar with Ludo once and it didn't end well. 
ALVINA
Uh… No - You’re weird…  
Look, I suggest Alphabet biscuits! Whoever looses has to eat their apology spelled out in biscuits. 
INTERVIEWER
(WITH DISDAIN) Ew, Alphabet biscuits? But they're so dry!
ALVINA
Exactly! 
INTERVIEWER
(AS DRY AS THE BISCUITS) You have a dark side. 
ALVINA
Scrabble is a game of life and death. 
INTERVIEWER
I see I’m going to have to watch you. Okay. You're on. 
ALVINA
Good. I'll set up. Uhm - could we play in my office instead?
INTERVIEWER
Huh?! Wait a minute - you have an office?!
ALVINA
Yes. 
INTERVIEWER
Outrageous! I worked for this company for decades before I got my own office! 
ALVINA
Amelia gave me her old one, and she is moving upstairs. 
INTERVIEWER
Upstairs?! But that is just an empty attic. 
ALVINA
Oh, she's got builders coming in next week to deck it out. We're using Yrsa and Taavetti, the clients you set up as Finnish interior decorators. Apparently Amelia has a thing for Scandinavian design.  
INTERVIEWER
Let's hope they've managed to settle into their new identities. They were neither Scandinavian nor interior decorators to start with. Amelia could end up with something that looks less like an office and more like a Moroccan shisha-lounge. 
ALVINA
So, should we play in my office? There's no space for the board on your desk, and my office is spic and span -
INTERVIEWER
No.
ALVINA
No?
INTERVIEWER
No, no, no, no. There's plenty of space -


(THE INTERVIEWER SHOVES WHATEVER IS ON HIS DESK ONTO THE FLOOR. CUPS, PENS AND LOTS OF PAPER FLYING EVERYWHERE.)


ALVINA
The client reports! 
INTERVIEWER
- and besides my office is much more "hyggelig"! Have you heard of "hygge"? It's a Danish word, describing the Scandinavian mentality: Finding comfort in simple things such as a cozy atmosphere or... a Danish pastry! The Scandinavians have got more to offer than minimalist furniture.
ALVINA
I am familiar with the concept of "hygge". 
INTERVIEWER 
Oh…
ALVINA (CON’T) 
And I'm pretty sure the Scandinavian definition of a cozy atmosphere does not involve the amount of clutter that you surround yourself with.
INTERVIEWER
But this is not clutter! 
ALVINA
Your desk - until you swiped everything onto the floor - was covered in dog eared books -
INTERVIEWER
(INTERJECTING) I was reading those!
ALVINA (CON’T)
-half finished crossword puzzles - 
INTERVIEWER
I was working on those!
ALVINA(CON’T)
(POINTEDLY)- unread client reports - 
INTERVIEWER
I was going to - well, I wasn't but - 
ALVINA(CON’T)
- and a dozen moldy cocoa mugs!
INTERVIEWER
There were only eleven. 
ALVINA
And now all of those things are in a jumble on the floor. That. Is not. Cozy! 
INTERVIEWER
If you are going to be like that, I don't want to play Scrabble with you. 
ALVINA
Sorry. I am here to get to know you, not to complain. 
(TRYING TO MAKE JOKE) Growing up with seagulls as your only neighbors, you don't really get to hone your social skills!


BEAT


And you'll notice that I... don't deal that well with... mess.
INTERVIEWER
I just told you - it isn't mess!
ALVINA
Okay okay, not mess - (LOOKING FOR WORDS) other people's systems! I don't like other people's systems. It puts me on edge. 
INTERVIEWER
You are going to have to work on that. You have three colleagues here, all with their own unique sense of order. 
Amelia shoves everything into one of two boxes, either the one marked "Archive" or the one marked "Special archive". The latter makes a whirring sound and poops paper strips. (CHUCKLES) 
Kozlowski orders his retina collection not by size or color, like any normal person, but by what he calls "inspirational quality". I advise you to never knock those containers over, there is no way to get the retinas back in order and your crime will not go unnoticed. Those were the longest four months of my life. 
And as for me... Well, I like freedom. Too much order, and I feel like I'm wearing a straight-jacket. 
So, can we please play Scrabble in here, where I can think? If you're so good at Scrabble, where you play shouldn't matter, should it?
ALVINA
Sure. We'll play here. 


(SHE SETS UP THE SCRABBLE BOARD ON HIS DESK)


INTERVIEWER 
(SURPRISED HUFF SHE IS CONVINCED SO EASILY)
ALVINA
Oh - and by the way.
INTERVIEWER
Yes?
ALVINA
I did see that note that said "raffle". Was I supposed to deduce your entire Agatha Christie style plan from just one word?
INTERVIEWER
Of course not. I was going to explain the details tomorrow. 
ALVINA
Thank God. I got a bit worried there for a moment.  
INTERVIEWER
Well, I wouldn’t expect an intern to second guess my thoughts after only a day. 
ALVINA
I'm not - and I've been here - 
INTERVIEWER
Of course I did once wrote a note for Amelia that said "gumball" and when I got back she'd ordered four tuxedos, a barber shop quartet and four hundred gallons of gasoline. But don't worry, you'll get there. 
ALVINA
I'm not an intern!
INTERVIEWER
Draw! 
ALVINA
What?
INTERVIEWER
Draw a tile! We have to see who starts!
ALVINA
Oh. Right. 


(ALVINA SIGHS AND RUMMAGES AROUND IN THE BAG WITH TILES. FADE OUT WITH MUSIC)


A WHILE LATER. 


(THE INTERVIEWER LAYS DOWN THE LAST TILE IN A WORD.)


INTERVIEWER
...and N! That's oxytocin! 


(WORKING OUT THE POINTS)


That is seventy points, plus the points for making "ever" into "never"... 


(COUNTING)


ALVINA
Argh! How are you getting such good tiles? That's your third word with an X in it! You are just raking in the points!
Wait a minute. Xylophone. Xenial. Oxytocin. There are only supposed to be two X'es in a Scrabble set.
INTERVIEWER
Hm? 
ALVINA
Someone has put an X back in the wrong box!
INTERVIEWER
(DEFIANT) Well that's not my fault.
ALVINA
Gah, I suppose not. We'll let it slide. I could just as well have drawn it. But I'll go through the tiles after we're finished just in case. Then it'll be right the next time we play.
INTERVIEWER
I didn't think you'd want to play again.
ALVINA
Why not?
INTERVIEWER
For a three time Scilly Scrabble Challenge record holder, this defeat must be devastating. I wouldn't want to hurt your pride a second time. 
ALVINA
Oh, this game isn't over.
INTERVIEWER
You have four tiles left and I am 180 points ahead. (CHUCKLES) I don't think you're going to win. 
ALVINA
You're right. (SINISTER) But I want revenge. 
INTERVIEWER
Fine. If you want to humiliate yourself again, I shan't stop you. 


(ALVINA PUTS DOWN HER LAST TILES)


ALVINA
Also: Xenas. Using your X. Seems a fitting word to end on.
INTERVIEWER
"A strong and confident woman". Hm. Neat - but not enough to beat me, I'm afraid. In fact, I think it's time you ate your words!
ALVINA
I suppose. Alphabet biscuits it is... Which words should I eat? 


(ALVINA OPENS THE BOX OF ALPHABET BISCUITS AND STARTS GETTING BISCUITS OUT)


INTERVIEWER
If I might make a suggestion… How about: "I have met my match in Scrabble".  
ALVINA
Prrfff. That's a lot of Alphabet biscuits. 


(THE INTERVIEWER CHUCKLES)


Okay. There's an I and an M…


(SHE EATS THE TWO BISCUITS, WHILST CONTINUING TO LOOK THROUGH THE BISCUITS)


(WHILST MUNCHING)I can't believe you got all three X's, plus two of the three Z's and - 
INTERVIEWER
Oh, is that the time? (YAWNS LOUDLY) It’s getting late, isn’t it. I think it's time we went home. 
ALVINA
(MUNCHING) I'm not done with the Alphabet biscuit punishment.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, it is very late. I must dash, so let's pack this up and - 
ALVINA
(MUNCHING) Hold on! Stop right there!
INTERVIEWER
What?
ALVINA
(SWALLOWS) There are only two Q's and two Z's in Scrabble! These tiles are all wrong - You've been cheating! 
INTERVIEWER
I've done no such thing!


(A DRAWER CREAKS SHUT)


ALVINA
What was that?


(ALVINA GETS UP AND DASHES AROUND THE DESK)


INTERVIEWER
Nothing!
ALVINA
Open that drawer!
INTERVIEWER
No!
ALVINA
Open it!
INTERVIEWER
I have personal things in there!
ALVINA
Like what?
INTERVIEWER
My... (STUTTERS) creams and ointments. 
ALVINA
In your desk?! Hogwash! Open the drawer!


(ALVINA TRIES PULLING THE DRAWER OPEN, THE INTERVIEWER TRIES HOLDING IT SHUT)


ALVINA
Ngh!
INTERVIEWER
(STRUGGLING) Don't - You'll get your fingers caught in the - Argh!


(THE INTERVIEWER LOSES THE FIGHT. THE DRAWER FLIES OPEN AND SCRABBLE TILES FLY EVERYWHERE)


BEAT.


ALVINA
You cheated. 
INTERVIEWER
Well...
ALVINA
You had a whole other set of tiles in there!
INTERVIEWER
Yes. Two.
ALVINA
Why?!
INTERVIEWER
Well, because…
 
BEAT.


ALVINA
Yes?


BEAT.


Come on? I thought you were so good at Scrabble, why not play fair?
INTERVIEWER
I panicked, okay?! I noticed you'd used "abnegation" and "promulgate" and I thought "Oh dear, this one's good with words"!
ALVINA
"Abnegation" and "promulgate"? When did I use - ? Oh! I used those words in my client report on Mother Mary! You read my client report!
INTERVIEWER
I did not!
ALVINA
So you're finally reading my reports!
INTERVIEWER
I'm not. I asked Kozlowski to drop by to discuss how to best poison Mother Mary. The report was just lying there on the desk, it caught his eye and he decided to read it out loud. He thought it was a thrilling read. I dozed off for most of it, truth be told. 
ALVINA
Apart from where it said "abnegation" and "promulgate".
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
ALVINA
You know what. I don't want to play with you again.
INTERVIEWER
What? Why?
ALVINA
I don't play with people who cheat.
INTERVIEWER
It was a one time occurrence! The next time I'll play fair, I promise! You can check my drawer before we start. And my pockets. 


(HE EMPTIES HANDFULS OF SCRABBLE TILES OUT OF HIS POCKETS)


Or better yet, how about we play in your office? I won't be able to cheat in there. No places to hide anything! 
ALVINA
Are you sure you want to play? I might beat you. 
INTERVIEWER
Yes. You might. Although you might not. Normally I'm rather good. 
ALVINA
We'll find out. Next week same time?
INTERVIEWER
If one of us looses more than the other, can we come up with some sort of handicap-system, like in golf? 


(ALVINA IS ON HER WAY OUT)


ALVINA
Good night. See you tomorrow.


(STOPS AT THE DOOR)


ALVINA
I do feel like I've got to know you a little. 
INTERVIEWER
Oh dear. Well. Good night. 




We hope you enjoyed Abnegation! To listen to more episodes of The Alvina Archives, consider supporting the show from just $5 by going to ameliapodcast.com, clicking on support the show, and becoming a patron. You will get immediate access to our full back catalogue of bonus content, including the six episodes of The Alvina Archives we have released so far, and more to come. Also, this weekend, on Sunday 6th March we will be doing a video livestream show of episodes four to six of The Alvina Archives as well as giving a
little peek behind the scenes, so as a $5 patron you can join us for that too! If you do decide to support us, thank you so much, it makes a huge difference.
This episode was written by Oystein Ulsberg Brager with story and audio editing by Philip Thorne, sound design by Adam Raymonda and music by Fredrik Baden.
It featured Julia C Thorne as Alvina and Alan Burgon as The Interviewer. Graphic design by Anders Pedersen and production assistance by Maty Parzival.
Thanks for listening!


END OF EPISODE.