THE LOCKDOWN TAPES 1: SOAP

PHILIP
Hello it’s Philip coming to you once again from my bedroom. It’s day 29 of the lockdown here in Paris and I have almost forgotten what good cocoa tastes like. As I said last time season 3 is still on the way, although it is slightly delayed due to some personal circumstances and now this lockdown, which means we’re now trapped in our personal flats and can’t get back in the studio for the final retakes. But we’re not going to let this situation get in the way of telling stories. Amelia’s motto is: There’s always time for a story. And maybe during a time like this there’s a greater need for stories than ever. So, over the coming days and weeks we’re relasing a mini season called The Lockdown Tapes which follows our main characters in their lockdown situation, and will give you a bit of a deeper insight into the office life of The Amelia Project. These minisodes do not follow on from the season 2 finale, you’ll have to wait for season 3 for that, but we hope you’ll enjoy these minisodes and that they will provide some laughs and levity in these trying times.

Before we begin, I’d like to say a great, big thank you from the whole Amelia gang to Eric Da’ Maj for a very generous donation. Thank you Eric. In what’s a very difficult time, you’re helping us to keep going. You’re one of the reasons we can make this miniseason, we are so deeply grateful and we’d like to dedicate this first episode of the Lockdown Tapes to you.

Right, without further ado, let’s get started with the first minisode, Soap. Happy listening.

AMELIA (V.O.)
You've reached Amelia.

If you are a client, please call our other number. If you can't find our other number - tough luck.

If you are a colleague or contractor and you have a work related query, please call Alvina instead.

Anything else, please leave a message.

BEEP.

ALVINA
Amelia! I need you! I need you now! I'm absolutely desperate! I don't know what to do with myself!

This itch is so intense! It's driving me mad!

Okay, I realize I sound crazy. But that's because I feel crazy!

I'll explain.

There's always time for a story isn't there...

The reason I can't just scratch myself is because the itch is in my eye. And I don't want to touch my face, because I've just been outside.

I know we're not supposed to go outside if we don't have to. But a certain you-know-who wouldn't stop talking about "being prepared for the end of the world", so I had to go and stock up on essentials. Which in his opinion includes only... Yes. Maltesers.

And before you ask why I didn't send Joey or Salvatore: I couldn't find them.

So I went out and I emptied the shelves. I went to the cornershop, the Tesco's and the Sainsbury's down the street and came home with seven and half kilos. Maltesers don't weigh much, so you can imagine the volume. I dumped it all on his desk, right on top of his crossword puzzle, and told him as politely as I could that if this wouldn't make him shut up...!

It didn't. He asked me if I had remembered Mars bars. He hadn't said anything about Mars bars!

By this point my eye was already itching, so I had no patience. I just stormed out and went straight to the lavatory to wash my hands. Thirty seconds, like you're supposed to, right? But when I get in there I discover that we're completely out of soap. So I go back into his office and ask "What happened to the soap?"

And he says: "Oh, it ran out."

To which I say: "Well, why didn't you tell me that when you knew I was going shopping?"

And he says "I thought you knew."

And I say: "Well, I didn't!"

And he says: "But I shouted it to you."

To which I said: "I thought we'd established that I don't like being shouted at!"

To which he said: "But Alvina, there's no intercom in the lavatory!"

Then I ask: "How come we're out anyway, I bought several bars of soap just the other day?"

To which he replies:

"Alvina, dear, of course the soap is going to vanish fast when everyone is supposed to wash their hands for thirty minutes."

THIRTY MINUTES!

Every time he's received a cocoa delivery or stepped out onto the landing for some fresh air he's gone and washed his hands for a full thirty minutes!

- AD BREAK -

ALVINA (cont.)
So, we're out of soap. And my eye is itching so badly I want to kick something. So, I don't have any choice; I go back out. Down to the cornershop. To the Tesco's. To the Sainsbury's. I go all the way to the Morrison's on the other side of the motorway. They're all out! People have been stockpiling! There's no soap!

So, back at the office I start rummaging through our cupboards. This office is so full of random... crap! There must be a bar of soap somewhere!

I look among the Pilkington set. Nothing.

I look inside the grandfather clock. Nothing.

I look behind the Egyptian artefacts. Nothing.

When I'm done looking in all the logical places, I start looking in the unlikely places.

In the medicine cabinet. Under the sink. In the boxes marked "End of the world essentials". All that was in there was ten bags of Maltesers from 1972.

This building is stripped of anything that even looks like a bar of soap!

At this point, my ideas are getting desperate.

I consider using gunpowder from Zale's cannon to burn my hands clean. But then I remember we used compressed air, we don't have gunpowder. Plus I wouldn't want to have my hands blown off. Then how the heck would I scratch my eye?!

Finally, I consider washing my hands in Veuve Cliquot, but the alcohol percentage isn't high enough, and it would be a waste. So I drink some instead. It takes the edge off. Emotionally. The itch is still as bad.

But then I have an idea! Kozlowski! Of course! The lab!

I run down to the basement, fling the door open, and what do I see? A party! A mirror ball hanging from the surgical lamp! Salvatore doing shots out of test tubes! Joey twerking on the operating table! Kozlowski juggling eyeballs!

They've even invited Walter from the morgue! He's doing suppositories in the corner and I was not going to ask what was in them.

I ask what's going on, and Salvatore explains they're having an end-of-the-world-party. I try to explain to them that maybe that's a little bit premature, but they don't seem to be bothered.

In fact, Joey, who was completely wasted, kept asking "Isn't our slogan: There's always time for a party"?"

I try to explain that it's "story", but then Kozlowski starts blasting R.E.M.s "It's the end of the world as we know it" over the speakers, upon which Joey breaks down in tears, so I give up.

I ask Kozlowski where the surgical alcohol is, after all, that's why I came down here. But he just smiles and says "Why don't I try some of the other stuff first". And no I didn't ask what the "other stuff" was, and I still don't want to know, instead I ask again for the alcohol. At this point Kozlowski looks over at Salvatore downing the last test tube, turns back to me and says: "We're out".

And then it dawns on me. So I ask: "Kozlowski! Are you drinking the surgical alcohol? Why would you do that? You're going to kill Joey and Salvatore! That stuff can be lethal!" But he just laughs at me and says "Don't worry, we diluted it. With vodka"!

I mean...

I just hope they're all still alive tomorrow.

This was when I started shouting: "I need to wash my hands! We're out of soap but I HAVE to wash my hands!"

Then down in the corner Walter from the morgue suddenly pipes up offering me some embalming fluid from his car. At this point I'm so desperate, I'll say yes to anything. Embalming fluid contains Methanol, right?

So we go out to his car, he gets out a bottle, I hold out my hands, he opens it and I retch! It smells so bad! But I think it's going to be fine, I mean, I've dealt with embalmed bodies a ton of times, right? And besides, all I can think about is this wretched itch!

So I say "Pour!". And Walter pours. But... as soon as he starts pouring, I vomit. All over me and him and it's so sudden, Walter drops the bottle of embalming fluid and it spills all over the ground and the back of his car and his trousers and my trousers...

I wouldn't use the back entrance for a few days. The back alley stinks like it's the day after Dawn of The Dead and all the zombies had a stomach bug.

So now my hands are even more dirty than before, I think this itch is going to kill me, and I don't know what to do.

Walter washed his hands in the embalming fluid, so I told him to get my phone out and call you. He's holding it to my ear, bless him.

Amelia. Do you have any soap? We all need it down here.

If not, could you come down immediately and scratch my eye please? Yours are the only fingers in this house I trust right now.

Although… Come to think of it, I guess a certain cocoa loving someone has very clean hands. For the last few days, he's kept washing his hands for thirty minute stretches.

Oh, there he is! Hey! Listen! Could you -

Never mind.

He just picked his nose.

Amelia... Help!

BEEP.

PHILIP
The Amelia Project is created by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager with music and sound design by Fredrik Baden. The minisode Soap was written by Oystein Ulsberg Brager and performed and recorded in lockdown by Julia C. Thorne.

This is a tricky time for freelancers and we rely on our patrons so we can pay our collaborators and keep making the show. If you’d like to help out even with just a few dollars per episode you can do so on Patreon. Patreon is basically like a voluntary subscription service where you make a donation each time we release an episode, not a minisode like this, but a full episode. So that means if you become a patron today you won’t actually be charged until the first episode of season 3. But it’s still a big morale boost for us to know that we have your support when the time comes. You can make your pledge today at patreon.com/ameliapodcast. That’s patreon.com/ameliapodcast. And you can get some great rewards in return for your pledge.

Alternatively, if you want to make an immediate one off donation, you can do that to. Simply go to our website ameliapodcast.com and got to Support the Show.

Thanks to our super patrons Eric Da’ Maj, Sophie Levezow, Sophia Anderson and Katharina Sindelar. We’ll be back with a new Lockdown Tape very soon. Keep safe.

STING
The Fable and Folly Network.