THE LOCKDOWN TAPES 2: PANGOLIN

PHILIP
Hello, it’s Philip, day 36 of the lockdown here in Paris. The rest of the team are enduring their lockdowns in Oslo, Vienna and LA. But we’re bringing you this special miniseason to tide over the wait till season 3, and hopefully provide you with a bit of laughter and distraction during these dark times.

One of the ways I’ve been dealing with this lockdown is reading and binging audio fiction. Both relistening to old favourites and also finding new shows. Speaking of new shows, I’d like to tell you about a brand new weekly fiction podcast which launches next week: Radio Elusia. It comes from Boundless Theatre who have been creating some of the most exciting and innovative theatre for young audiences in the UK and are now turning for the very first time to audio fiction.

Broadcast from the seventeenth floor looking out over the sprawling city of Elusia, Raphael watches for signs of a revolution. His voice echoing through a home made radio transmitter to the streets below. Inspired by yough culture, pirate radio and protest this show asks if revolution can ever come if we just wait for it.

We met the Boundless Theatre team at PodUK in February and can’t wait to listen to the first episode. You can subscribe right now so you can be ready for Radio Elusia’s launch on the 27th of April. Just search for Radio Elusia on your favourite podcathcer or follow the link in the shownotes below.

And now, without further ado, it’s time to check back in with Alvina in this new episode of The Lockdown Tapes.


AMELIA (V.O.)
You've reached Amelia.

If you are a client, please call our other number. If you can't find our other number - tough luck.

If you are a colleague or contractor and you have a work related query, please call Alvina instead.

Anything else, please leave a message.

BEEP.

ALVINA
Amelia. I'm going mad again. And it's not an itch this time. It's... well, people! Why do I have to deal with humans all the time?!

I can't wait for the robot revolution. Imagine: Robot henchmen. Robot surgeons. A robot interviewer! So. Much. Easier. I almost miss Siiri...

Anyhow, I've made a decision. You might not like it, but if you hear me out you will understand.

Basically, what happened was, I told everyone to stick to the rules. You know? The corona rules.

But the others were like: "Why?"

Why?!

I mean, I'm happy to work for a company that is... neatly placed somewhere to the side of, if not above, the law. Laws are arbitrary. They don't have to apply to us. That is a matter of integrity.

We have moral standards. That's more important.

And we follow our own morals. Not those prescribed by society, or religion. That is a matter of pride.

But we are not elevated above the laws of basic biology! There is a deadly virus out there, and we have to take precautions!

That's what I told them, but they just won't listen.

I got Joey and Salvatore to raid that Palmolive truck, so now we have hand soap enough for four apocalypses. We could start selling hand soap on the black market, if things got really bad.

But do the two of them bother to use any of it? No!

I sat up half the night sewing face masks for everyone, but Kozlowski said his was too tight, and Salvatore didn't like the color.

Business has really slowed down, but we've had one client. Well, almost one client. I sent her right home again. You would have done the same thing! Do you know what she did? She sneezed! Without covering her mouth! That is not what I call "Amelia material".

Don't worry, I've disinfected the entire office.

But do you know what the final straw was?

I go down to the basement to tell Kozlowski he has to stay six feet away from Walter when he comes to deliver the new corpses. And what do I find? He's doing experimental surgery - on a pangolin!

I mean, really? Now? That's the animal you want to play around with?

So all this is to say: I've shut down the office. I'm sending everyone home. I've had enough.

BEEP.

ALVINA
Hi Amelia, just letting you know we're all going out for ice cream before we part. It was not my idea. I was just too tired of shouting to have the energy to shut it down. Join us if you want. God, I can't wait to be on my own!

BEEP.

ALVINA
I've finally arrived. Back home. Haven't been here since I joined Amelia.

It's windy, it's raining and the seagulls are shitting on my tent.

It's perfect!

Not a human in sight...

I'll see you once things are back to normal.

BEEP.

ALVINA
Amelia...

I regret closing down the office! There's nothing to do! No case files to organize, no one to yell at, no disasters to avert... I miss long nights with Joey filling paint-ball pellets with pigs blood and working with you figuring out how to hack the platform display at Paddington and helping Salvatore kit out an Aston Martin with a double floor!

I miss Scrabble nights.

And no, I won't call him and tell him that.

I never thought I'd say this, but... I miss humans, Amelia.

I think I actually miss humans.

BEEP.

PHILIP
The Amelia Project is created by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager with music and sound design by Fredrik Baden. The minisode Pangolin was written and edited by Oystein Ulsberg Brager and performed and recorded in lockdown by Julia C. Thorne.

If you like The Amelia Project please tell a friend. Word of mouth really is the best way to grow the show and lure more people into our cocoa loving cult.

The next Lockdown Tape will be coming very soon focusing on a different character and in the meantime why not check out Radio Eliusia.

As always many thanks to Eric Da’ Maj, Sophie Levezow, Sophia Anderson and Katharina Sindelar and all of our wonderful patrons. If you’d like to support the show with a one off donation or a recurring pledge, go to ameliapodcast.com and click on Support the Show.

Thanks for listening and stay safe.