THE LOCKDOWN TAPES 3: LAMPITT LC-62E

PHILIP
Hello, it’s Philip, day 40 of the lockdown here in Paris. Hope you’re keeping safe and healthy and entertained, and we’re here to help with the latter. This is episode 3 of The Lockdown Tapes.

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THE INTERVIEWER
(warming up his voice)

Okay, ready.

(warming up his voice some more)

Okay. March 2020… Gosh, 2020 already! My my, how the time has passed. That’s 1736 on the Coptic calendar… god, you know, I do miss Egypt sometimes. Not the camels. Never been too keen on the spitting. Or the sand for that matter, gets everywhere.

I’ve been on my own here now for about a week or two. Maybe longer. The days seem to blur into one. But I suppose everyone’s experiencing that at the moment aren’t they. Not knowing if it’s Monday or Thursday, oblivious to the passing of time. That’s a feeling I understand all too well. And so, it seems that the best thing to do, is this. An audio journal. Get the old synapses working.

Writing would be easier I think, less rambling, more structure. But I didn’t bring a notebook. So I couldn’t write anything down even if I wanted to. There are a couple of pages left on a block of paper in the drawer of the desk. But I may need to use them for paper aeroplanes later and I don’t wish to have to recalculate the aerodynamics and lift to include the indentation left by the pen, and the extra weight of the ink.

If I had a graphite pencil, it wouldn’t be so bad. Graphite is light. But I don’t.

Of course, I do have a direct line to the rest of the team, but Alvina is back on her island, the connection is ghastly and she’s always drowned out by seagulls.

Joey and Salvatore are busy playing video games. I did try and join in, but it was difficult to judge what they were getting excited about down the phone. And to be honest, the profanity was a little excessive. Especially from Salvatore. He still has some anger management issues from his time with the mafia.

Kozlowski is doing… well. Nothing much has changed for him, really, as he’s on a self imposed quarantine most of the time anyway. He doesn’t like to be seen. Still, he’s driven up here twice already to bring me some extra supplies of cocoa, so at least I get some human contact… in a manner of speaking.

Boredom is hiding around every corner here. At the end of every book, and at the bottom of each cup of cocoa. God, I’ve been clutching at straws for the past few days, trying to find things to do. I’ve rearranged the layout of the room 5 times since arriving.

I miss my bookshelf. I miss my clients. I miss Joey and Salvatore wrestling in their pyjamas at the weekends, and Alvina screaming at them to stop. She does have a point though. She’s lost more case files to spilled cocoa than I care to imagine.

We left in such a hurry, you see. All I managed to grab was a handful of cassette tapes, the tape recorder, and the first few books I could lay my hands on. In hindsight I should have taken more care in deciding what to take with me, but I’d managed to persuade Alvina that we should all go out for ice cream before we parted company, and I was excited to get there for the hot fudge Sunday with extra whipped cream and hazelnuts. I suppose I thought I could just nip back to the office later if I’d forgotten something. But I haven’t been back since. What’s worse, is the ice cream shop, like most places, was already closed due to this damned virus. Luckily I still had half a packet of Maltesers in my breast pocket from breakfast. So I was fine. Joey cried of course… but Joey always cries when we go for ice cream.

And with that… we all went our separate ways. I did suggest that we all quarantine together. I think it would have been fun. Like a holiday. We could have started a string quartet! With Kozlovski conducting. Oh, we would have needed to learn instruments of course, but at least we would have had something do.

Alvina was rather insistent, however, on the necessity of self isolation. There was something in her tone of voice that makes me think she just wanted to be on her own…

But, I have you! My trusty old Lampitt LC-62E tape recorder! Now would not be a good time to die! Not now. Not when I need you the most. It’s you and me. We’re in this together, and together we can… I’m talking to the tape recorder. Yes, well, alright. This could get a lot worse before it gets any better.

We have been here before though in 1918… and we got through that one didn’t we.

“I had a little bird
its name was Enza
I opened the window,
And in-flu-enza.”

Yes. Well, I doubt it will get me here though. This place was built during the second world war and is designed to withstand a nuclear attack. A safety precaution should the Nazi’s have succeeded in launching nuclear warheads at the British Isles. It was actually a joint effort between Amelia and the war cabinet. Neville Chamberlain himself stepped down as prime minister in order to oversee the project. Back then, during the war effort, Amelia came out of hiding somewhat. We were even given a seat in the house of lords… under a pseudonyme of course. Hubert Hathoway. Hah! He was loud, obnoxious, hairy, and drunk all the time!

(laughs)

Yes, well, I had hoped to while away some of the time by listening back to the recent interview tapes, but it would appear that I put my hand into the wrong box of tapes as I was leaving the office, and ended up with a bunch of blank ones… God.

Hang on. Actually, with nothing to listen to, and half a dozen blank cassette tapes at my disposal… Why don’t I conduct my own interview, with my self, on my own…? Now that sounds like fun! I’ll do that tomorrow. I suppose talking to ones self is easier to accept if you give it a purpose.

And it’s better than reorganising the bodies of fallen insects on the windowsill based on size and shape. Not that that didn't give me something to do. It occupied at least an hour, and it looks rather good. I was actually thinking I’d get in touch in with Frances at the Tate Modern. She owe’s me a favour, and it would make a wonderful installation. I’ve got a few titles in mind already:
“Forgotten insects”
“Exoskeletons on a windowsill”
“Corona dust”
Yes, well. I’ll work on the name between now and the end of the quarantine.

I do hope it doesn't go on for too long though. I don’t do too well on my own…

CLICK.

PHILIP
The Amelia Project is created by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager with music and sound design by Fredrik Baden. This minisode was written and performed by our Interviewer Alan Burgon.

Would you like to interview The Interviewer? Well, on the 1st of May 2020 you can settle down in front of your laptop with a mug of cocoa and do just that. Every two months we organize a Cocoa Corner, a video live stream with a member from the Amelia team in which they talk about the show and you can ask any questions. The next Cocoa Corner will be hosted by none other than Alan Burgon, The Interviewer himself. To participate live in the next Cocoa Corner or watch on replay become a 5 dollar patron and get access to lots of other Amelia perks and rewards too. It gives you a deeper insight into the show and it allows us to compensate the team making it.

To become a patron go to patreon.com/ameliapodcast. That’s patreon.com/ameliapodcast. I can’t tell you how happy it makes us each time a new listener makes a pledge.

As always many thanks to Eric Da’ Maj, Sophie Levezow, Sophia Anderson and Katharina Sindelar. See you soon for the next Lockdown Tape, and until then, stay safe.