THE LOCKDOWN TAPES 5: HURDY-GURDY
PHILIP
Hello, it’s Philip and it’s day… I can’t even remember which day of the lockdown it is. It’s got to that point where time has completely lost its meaning. Anyway. Hope you’re well, and we’d like to dedicate this episode to Becky Szymcik. Thank you so much for your support, Becky. Right. Time for the new Lockdown Tape: Hurdy-Gurdy.
THEME TUNE.
THE TAPE RECPRDER CLICKS ON.
THE INTERVIEWER 1
Okay, time for my self-interview. Isolation dulls the mind, have to keep busy. Tum-ti-tum-ti-tum-tum-tum, the recorder is ready... Welcome!
A CHAIR SCREECHES.
THE INTERVIEWER 2 (REPLYING TO HIMSELF)
Thank you!
INTERVIEWER 1
My oh my! You are the most handsome gentleman to walk into my office in weeks!
INTERVIEWER 2
Well, thank you!
INTERVIEWER 1
Do you mind if I blow bubbles?
INTERVIEWER 2
Not at all! Do you mind if I whistle?
INTERVIEWER 1
Of course not!
INTERVIEWER 2
Okay then!
HE TRIES TO WHISTLE AND BLOW BUBBLES AT THE SAME TIME. IT DOESN'T WORK.
INTERVIEWER 1
Stop it, stop it, stop it! The bubbles break when you whistle!
INTERVIEWER 2
You stop it! I want to whistle!
INTERVIEWER 1
Oh, so that's how you want to play it, is it?
INTERVIEWER 2
It is!
HE WHISTLES LOUDLY.
INTERVIEWER 1
Well, that's it! Get out! You whistling maniac! Oh, damn.
CLICK OFF.
CLICK ON.
INTERVIEWER 1
Ah! It's you. Welcome!
INTERVIEWER 2
I have a complaint.
INTERVIEWER 1
Already? What?
INTERVIEWER 2
It was really hard to find you!
INTERVIEWER 1
Sorry?
INTERVIEWER 2
You're hiding in a secret war time bunker! I spent hours trying to locate you!
INTERVIEWER 1
This is ridiculous!
INTERVIEWER 2
Why?
INTERVIEWER 1
Because I've been here the whole time! I mean you've been here! I mean we! Oh, this is so confusing... I think I'll skip the introduction and just jump right in.
CLICK OFF.
CLICK ON.
INTERVIEWER 1
So, why do you want to disappear?
INTERVIEWER 2
I've forgotten how to play the hurdy-gurdy.
INTERVIEWER 1
That doesn't sound like a very good reason to -
INTERVIEWER 2
Hear me out! Yesterday I had a dream!
INTERVIEWER 1
What kind of dream?
INTERVIEWER 2
I was riding on Nessie's back. We were racing through the Caribbean waves at incredible speed!
INTERVIEWER 1
Exciting!
INTERVIEWER 2
I know! It was lovely! We were completely gobbered on Spicy Anchovies Chile Daiquiri, feeling free as the wind!
INTERVIEWER 1
What is a Spicy Anchovies...?
INTERVIEWER 2
Spicy Anchovies Chile Daiquiri! It's just like a Spicy Ancho Chile Daiquiri, but where you exchange the Ancho Reyes Verde liqueur for actual anchovies.
INTERVIEWER 1
That sounds... unique.
INTERVIEWER 2
It was delicious! Though in real life I wouldn't try it.
INTERVIEWER 1
Mm, better not. Then what happened?
INTERVIEWER 2
Suddenly, we're not in the Bahamas anymore. We're in London. Riding across Tower Bridge. And there isn't a human in sight.
INTERVIEWER 1
How curious!
INTERVIEWER 2
I know! The streets are littered with trash. Double decker buses have fallen over. We pass Houses of Parliament, St. Paul's Cathedral, Trafalgar Square... Empty streets everywhere.
INTERVIEWER 1
Creepy.
INTERVIEWER 2
We arrive at Piccadilly Circus, where suddenly I see movement! Something is hiding in the shadows. Not one thing. Many things. Many living things.
INTERVIEWER 1
Who?! What?!
INTERVIEWER 2
Penguins! Hordes of them! Rippling out of the darkness! From all six directions, Emperors and Kings and Royals and Huboldts slither towards us! Nessie tries to climb onto the statue of Cupid, but it breaks! And we fall down, right into that vicious waddle... And that's when I wake up and realize I have forgotten how to play the hurdy-gurdy!
INTERVIEWER 1
I see...
INTERVIEWER 2
What do you think it all means?
INTERVIEWER 1
I think it means... that you'll have to cut down on snacking before bed.
INTERVIEWER 2
Hm. Those war time rations did taste a bit funny.
- AD BREAK -
INTERVIEWER 1
Wait a minute! Before this dream, did you ever know how to play the hurdy-gurdy?
INTERVIEWER 2
Never. Never even owned one.
INTERVIEWER 1
I see. Congratulations!
INTERVIEWER 2
What?
INTERVIEWER 1
You have peaked my interest! I'll take on your case! How would you like to die?
INTERVIEWER 2
Oh, I don't mind, as long as it doesn't involve penguins -
INTERVIEWER 1
Penguins it is! You will fall into the penguin pool at London zoo and get eaten!
INTERVIEWER 2
Oh no! Those penguins are fierce!
INTERVIEWER 1
They are! They're horrid!
INTERVIEWER 2
That's right! They're terrifying!
INTERVIEWER 1
Absolutely! They're monstrous!
INTERVIEWER 2
That's it then! Your death will be flightless and aquatic!
INTERVIEWER 1
Wait a minute... Who's conducting this interview?
INTERVIEWER 2
I thought it was me?
INTERVIEWER 1
I thought it was me!
INTERVIEWER 2
Are you sure?
INTERVIEWER 1
I'm not!
INTERVIEWER 2
Well, neither am I!
INTERVIEWER 1
How do we find out?
INTERVIEWER 2
I don't know...
INTERVIEWER 1
Oh! I know! Do you know how to play the hurdy-gurdy?
INTERVIEWER 2
Uhm... I seem to have forgotten.
INTERVIEWER 1
That settles it! I haven't! Now, how would you like to resurface?
INTERVIEWER 2
As a hurdy-gurdy player?
INTERVIEWER 1
You don't remember how to play it...
INTERVIEWER 2
You could teach me?
INTERVIEWER 1
Ah! I like the sound of that. I've always dreamt of having a protege!
As for your new identity, we happen to have an opening as a professor of hurdy-gurdy in the music department at Ballycastle University. You will also have to teach the clavicytherium, the banjolele, and the heckelphone. Better get practicing. How are you going to pay us?
INTERVIEWER 2
I'm not sure. I have no money.
INTERVIEWER 1
No money?! Then how on earth did you think this would work!?
INTERVIEWER 2
I don't know! I'm sorry! Maybe I have something you want?
INTERVIEWER 1
What would that be?
INTERVIEWER 2
In my pockets right now I have... a key ring shaped like Snoopy?
INTERVIEWER 1
Not interested.
INTERVIEWER 2
A napkin with the words "Important! Do not forget to call", but with the name and phone number torn off?
INTERVIEWER 1
No.
INTERVIEWER 2
This piece of fluff? Or what about this half-crushed Malteser?
INTERVIEWER 1
Deal! Give it to me! Now!
THE INTERVIEWER EATS THE MALTESER.
INTERVIEWER 1
Mmm. Oh. God. Mm. I ran out of Maltesers three days ago, and here you come saving my life. Mhm. It's been a pleasure doing business with you. Now, chop chop!
INTERVIEWER 2
Where am I going?
INTERVIEWER 1
Hurdy-gurdy lessons! I'm waiting for you next door with my crank ready and I’d like my student to be on time!
INTERVIEWER 2
All right! I'm going, I'm going!
INTERVIEWER 2 WALKS OFF. A DOOR CLOSES IN THE BACKGROUND.
INTERVIEWER 1
Phew. That was rather stressful. Better pour myself a nice cup of coc -
THE DOOR OPENS.
INTERVIEWER 2
Excuse me?
INTERVIEWER 1
Yes?
INTERVIEWER 2
You're telling me I was supposed to learn the words to Hurdy Gurdy Man by Donovan.
INTERVIEWER 1
Am I?
INTERVIEWER 2
Yes. But it's completely slipped my mind. How does it go again?
INTERVIEWER 1
Arghhhhhhhh...! Fine! Here we go:
(INTERVIEWER 1 SINGS)
Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy gurdy he sang!
Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, gurdy he sang!
INTERVIEWER 2
Oh yes, that's it!
(INTERVIEWER 2 JOINS IN, HARMONIZES)
INTERVIEWER 1 AND INTERVIEWER 2
Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy gurdy he sang!
Roly poly, roly poly, roly poly poly he sang!
INTERVIEWER 2
Thank you!
INTERVIEWER 1
Not at all. Nice harmony!
DOOR CLOSES.
INTERVIEWER 1
Ah, he's finally gone.
THE INTERVIEWER STARTS POURING COCOA. STOPS.
INTERVIEWER 1
Wait a minute... Harmony... Harmony?! Who was that? Hello?! Anybody here? Hello! Hello!
HE WALKS OVER TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT.
INTERVIEWER 1
HELLO! No one. I am not in there practicing the hurdy-gurdy. Hm. It would seem isolation doesn't just dull the mind, it also sharpens the imagination... Hah! Hahaha! Harmony... Hahahahaha -
CLICK OFF.
PHILIP
The Amelia Project is created by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager with music and sound design by Fredrik Baden. This minisode was written by Oystein Ulsberg Brager and performed and recorded in lockdown by Alan Burgon. Info on how to support the show, info on the team and more on our website ameliapodcast.com. Thank you to Eric Da’ Maj, Sophie Levezow, Sophia Anderson and Katharina Sindelar. And thank you again to Becky Szymcik to whom this episode is dedicated.
And now I’d like to play a trailer for our friend’s exciting new podcast Crypto-Z. Enjoy!
- CRYPTO-Z AD -
STING
The Fable and Folly Network.
