THE LOCKDOWN TAPES 6: ZOOM
THIS MINISODE TAKES PLACE ENTIRELY ON A ZOOM CALL.
INTERVIEWER
Hello? Hello? Hello?
AMELIA
Hello. Can you see me?
INTERVIEWER
Well dip me in hummus and call me a bread stick!
AMELIA
I'll take that as a yes.
INTERVIEWER
This is incredible!
AMELIA
Ah… It's a perfectly normal video conference.
INTERVIEWER
It's magic!
AMELIA
Yes. Magic.
INTERVIEWER
Can you see me too?
AMELIA
Well... I can see... your chin and your bow tie.
INTERVIEWER
I don't believe you. What colour is my tie?
AMELIA
Canary yellow.
INTERVIEWER
You know that's my favorite colour!
AMELIA
Ok... Your chin is covered in stubble and there's a cocoa stain on your shirt collar.
INTERVIEWER
Wow! Correct!
AMELIA
If you tilt your screen up, I'll be able to see your face too.
INTERVIEWER
Like this?
AMELIA
Down a bit.
INTERVIEWER
Okey dokey...
AMELIA
Perfect.
INTERVIEWER
Ha! I can see myself in a little square in the top left corner!
(MAKES FUNNY NOISES)
AMELIA
Ok... Stop pulling faces and let's get down to business. The reason I called this team meeting-
INTERVIEWER
Isn't Alvina joining us?
AMELIA
Oh. She's trying, but the internet connection on her island is... temperamental.
INTERVIEWER
Amelia what's that?
AMELIA
What?
INTERVIEWER
Behind you! Is that a hyena?
AMELIA
Possibly.
INTERVIEWER
Where are you Amelia?
AMELIA
It's a long story.
INTERVIEWER
There's always time for a-
AMELIA
Not now there's not. I'm about to go hunting with Moseph.
INTERVIEWER
Moseph?
ALVINA
Hello?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, look at that, looks like Alvina has just joined us!
ALVINA
Hello? Can you hear me?
INTERVIEWER
We can hear you Alvina! Ha! Isn't this incredible?
ALVINA
Can you hear me?
AMELIA
We can hear you. Eh… Can you hear us?
ALVINA
Can you hear me? Yes, no?
INTERVIEWER
WE CAN HEAR YOU ALVINA!
ALVINA
Hello…
INTERVIEWER
WE CAN HEAR YOU ALVINA!
AMELIA
There's no point in shouting. She's got a poor connection.
ALVINA
Hello?
INTERVIEWER
Alvina, you shouldn't be standing so close to the edge of that cliff.
AMELIA
She can't hear you.
ALVINA
Hello? Hello? Hello?
INTERVIEWER
Why is she leaning over that cliff?
AMELIA
It's the only place on the island you can get a connection.
ALVINA
Hello?
AMELIA
On a good day.
ALVINA
Maybe if I lean over here a little bit, right - Hello?
INTERVIEWER
GET AWAY FROM THE EDGE OF THAT CLIFF ALVINA!
AMELIA
I really don't think she should be balancing her laptop on a rock like that.
ALVINA
Oh! Shit!
THE SOUND OF THE LAPTOP FALLING DOWN THE CLIFFSIDE.
INTERVIEWER
What happened?
ALVINA
I think she dropped her laptop.
INTERVIEWER
Oh no.
AMELIA
Well. Just you and me then. Like in the old days.
INTERVIEWER
You said there's business to discuss?
AMELIA
Yes. We don't know how long this situation will last. My guess is that it could be a while.
INTERVIEWER
I miss my books! I miss my clients! If I don't get back to work soon I'll go crazy! Do you know what? The other day I actually interviewed myself! Plus, I'm running low on bubble liquid.
AMELIA
That's what I wanted to talk to you about.
INTERVIEWER
Bubble liquid?
AMELIA
No. Work.
INTERVIEWER
Oh.
AMELIA
We need to keep business going.
INTERVIEWER
But you just said this situation is likely to last a long time.
AMELIA
The world might be in lockdown, but people still need to disappear.
INTERVIEWER
That may be so, but how the heck can we operate if I'm stuck in this bunker, Alvina's on that silly island of hers with no means of communication and you're- Did a baboon just hop on your shoulder Amelia?
AMELIA
We have to adapt. Like the rest of the world.
INTERVIEWER
The rest of the world? You know that doesn't mean anything to me, Amelia.
AMELIA
We have to learn how to offer our services remotely.
INTERVIEWER
What? That's impossible!
AMELIA
I'm disappointed. I thought you disliked that word as much as I.
INTERVIEWER
I'm just saying, how are we going to interview clients if-
AMELIA
Like this.
INTERVIEWER
Via the… computer?
AMELIA
What's wrong with that?
INTERVIEWER
Well how am I going to offer my clients cocoa?!
AMELIA
It's not perfect, but-
INTERVIEWER
We don't have anyone on the ground to actually, you know, carry out the disappearances!
AMELIA
I didn't say it would be easy.
INTERVIEWER
I mean, I am good...
AMELIA
Some would say you're-
INTERVIEWER
The best in the business. Yes. I am.
AMELIA
Look. I… I understand if this is too much of a challenge. Sorry. It was a silly idea. Go back to arranging the bodies of fallen insects by size and shape and we'll resume business once we all get back to London.
INTERVIEWER
No! I- Hang on...
AMELIA
What?
INTERVIEWER
How do you know about my insect art? I didn't tell you about that!
AMELIA
I like to keep informed.
INTERVIEWER
Yes but you're a million miles away in... in... some sort of jungle surrounded by what looks like at least two dozen lemurs- Where the hell are you Amelia?
AMELIA
None of your business.
INTERVIEWER
What I get up to here in my free time is none of yours either!
AMELIA
I'm particularly fond of the stack of horseflies topped with a ladybird in the center of a circle of dead ants. What was it you called it? Oh - exoskeletons on a windowsill?
INTERVIEWER
Have you been listening to my audio log? How can you do that?!
AMELIA
Well, I'll let you get back to dissecting that dragonfly and we'll meet when all this is over-
INTERVIEWER
No! Wait! I want to get back to work!
AMELIA
You do?
INTERVIEWER
Yes!
AMELIA
You'll interview clients over the computer?
INTERVIEWER
Yes!
AMELIA
Good. If yon require anyone to carry out any field work, Salvatore can do it. He can always borrow Kozlowski's hazmat suit.
INTERVIEWER
I'll try to keep the need for movement to a minimum.
AMELIA
Excellent.
INTERVIEWER
Kozlowski can still carry out plastic surgery I assume?
AMELIA
Of course. So. Should I put the first client through?
INTERVIEWER
Already?
AMELIA
Yes. I have someone someone waiting.
INTERVIEWER
Who?
AMELIA
You've met her before.
INTERVIEWER
I have? Who? Tell me Amelia!
AMELIA
I thought you like to be surprised. Shall I put her through?
INTERVIEWER
One moment, is my bow tie straight?
AMELIA
It looks very dashing.
INTERVIEWER
I haven't shaved since I arrived here.
AMELIA
The rustic look suits you.
INTERVIEWER
You think so?
AMELIA
Absolutely.
INTERVIEWER
AMELIA WATCH OUT!!!
AMELIA
What?
INTERVIEWER
THERE'S A LION BEHIND YOU!!!
AMELIA
Oh, that's Usama.
INTERVIEWER
Usama?!
AMELIA
Moseph's pet. Don't worry, he's very gentle. Come here...
INTERVIEWER
I don't think you should be stroking him...
AMELIA
Good boy... Goooood boy... So, can I put your client through?
INTERVIEWER
Just... be careful Amelia, alright?
AMELIA
Of course.
ALVINA
Hello?
AMELIA
Oh!
INTERVIEWER
Oh!
ALVINA
Hello?
AMELIA
She's back! Alvina?
ALVINA
Wait… Maybe… Is that better? Oh. Now you’re frozen.
INTERVIEWER
How did she get to the bottom of that cliff? That's a sheer drop!
AMELIA
How did her laptop survive that fall?
INTERVIEWER
How is she going to get back up?
- AD BREAK -
ALI
Hello?
INTERVIEWER
Hello? Alvina?
ALI
Alvina?
INTERVIEWER
Oh! Is this... Um... Are you... Hrm. Welcome to Amelia!
ALI
Thank you.
INTERVIEWER
Your name is...
ALI
Ali.
INTERVIEWER
You've visited Amelia before, correct?
ALI
Correct.
INTERVIEWER
I'm sorry that I can't offer you any cocoa this time.
ALI
Well. You didn't offer me any last time.
INTERVIEWER
I didn't?
ALI
No. You had Joey and Salvatore escort me from the premises.
INTERVIEWER
I did? Oh I remember you! You wanted us to make your husband disappear!
ALI
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
We rejected your case!
ALI
Yeah.
INTERVIEWER
We don't do non-consensual disappearances.
ALI
I did tell you nobody would miss him.
INTERVIEWER
Well nothing has changed Ali, I am not making your husband disappear against his will.
ALI
I know.
INTERVIEWER
So...?
ALI
So can you make me disappear please?
INTERVIEWER
Really?
ALI
I've been stuck in the same flat as Tom for seven weeks now. Seven weeks! I mean it was bad enough having to put up with him at breakfast, dinner and weekends, but this?! I hate the way he snores. I hate the way he leaves his toenail clippings in the bathtub and his beard shavings in the sink. I hate his Superman boxer shorts and Batman pyjamas. I hate the Mission Impossible ringtone on his phone. I hate the way he always reads out the back of a DVD cover before we start a film. I hate the way he pauses the film every time he needs to go to the loo. Which is often. I hate the sound of his pee hitting the toilet bowl. I hate that he doesn't wash his hands when he's finished. I hate his tuna pasta bake. I hate his stupid mug with the slogan "I am always right." I hate that when he takes out the teabag he lets it drip all over the kitchen floor on his way to the bin. I hate the smell of his aftershave. I hate the fact that he's been reading the same Terry Pratchett book for the last three years and he's still not even halfway through. I hate how he unplugs my phone to charge his computer. I hate that he always buys the cheap brand of toast. I hate how much water he wastes when he's doing the dishes. I hate the way he laughs. I hate hearing the Joe Rogan experience leaking out of his earbuds while I'm in bed next to him. I hate the way he blows his nose. I hate how many times he uses the same tissue. I hate his stupid D&D friends. I hate hearing him practice the guitar. I hate his voice. I hate how often he says "know what I mean?" I hate how he punches the air after he's won at Monopoly. I hate how often he breaks plates. I hate how he always pretends its the plates' fault. I hate how he immediately likes every one of my Facebook posts without reading them. I hate how he never remembers which day the rubbish collection is. I hate how whenever he takes out the bin bag he never puts in a new bin liner. I… I hate how he breathes.
INTERVIEWER
Ali. Is there anything about your husband you don't hate?
ALI
No.
(WHISPERS)
Can you help me disappear?
INTERVIEWER
Why are you whispering?
ALI
Tom's just walked into the kitchen.
INTERVIEWER
Oh.
A PLATE SHATTERS IN THE BACKGROUND.
ALI
(WHISPERS) And broken a plate.
INTERVIEWER
Call him over.
ALI
(WHISPERS) What? Why?
INTERVIEWER
I'd like to see him.
ALI
(WHISPERS) Out of the question. I'm trying to keep this secret.
INTERVIEWER
Ok, tell him to go shopping. Tell him... You're out of toilet roll!
ALI
(WHISPERS) We bought six trolley loads of the stuff on the first day of the lockdown. We have enough loo roll to wrap up Buckingham Palace.
INTERVIEWER
Pasta then. You can never have too much pasta.
ALI
(LOUDLY) Tom! We need to stock up on pasta. See if they've got any flour while you're at it. And baked beans. Don't forget your face mask.
INTERVIEWER
He's gone?
ALI
He's gone.
INTERVIEWER
Good. When will he be back?
ALI
The Tesco Express is just around the corner. Fifteen minutes?
INTERVIEWER
Salvatore can make that.
ALI
Salvatore? What's the plan?
INTERVIEWER
Tom comes back and finds you immobile on the kitchen floor.
ALI
Why? What happened?
INTERVIEWER
On your way to change the bin liner you slipped on a stray teabag and cut yourself on the shards of a broken plate. You've got some tomato sauce?
ALI
Yeah…
INTERVIEWER
Pour it on the floor and he'll find you in a pool of blood clutching your phone.
ALI
He's pretty thick, but I think even he won’t fall for that.
INTERVIEWER
Before he has a chance to properly inspect the scene, Joey and Salvatore will arrive with a stretcher. They'll tell Tom they received your call and are taking you straight to A&E. I'll call him a few hours later to deliver the sad news of your demise. How do you think he'll react?
ALI
With relief. You really think Joey and Salvatore will make it in time?
INTERVIEWER
Salvatore has already set off. I sent him a message while you were telling me why you hate Tom. He drives like the wind and besides, the roads are empty. The Amelia ambulance will be outside your house in no time.
ALI
And where will they take me?
INTERVIEWER
To hospital.
ALI
No, I mean where will they really take me.
INTERVIEWER
To hospital. Kozlowski will give you some light plastic surgery in the back of the ambulance, then drop you off at the Royal Free Hospital.
ALI
What the hell will I do at the Royal Free?
INTERVIEWER
Clowning. I thought we'd set you up as a hospital clown in the children’s ward. What better way to start your new life than by doing good on the front lines of the crisis!
ALI
Could I be a volunteer or trainee nurse or something instead? Children really isn't my... thing.
INTERVIEWER
Hmm... I was relying on the red plastic nose and white face paint as disguise. There's only so much Kozlowski can do in the time it takes to get to the Royal Free. Plus the over-sized shoes and polka dot tie I had in mind are very fetching.
ALI
I don't want to be a clown.
INTERVIEWER
(SIGHS) Volunteer it is then. I guess the NHS is very understaffed.
ALI
Thank you.
INTERVIEWER
So all that remains for us to discuss is payment.
ALI
I've already made a substantial down payment to that lady with the American accent. She said I should negotiate the rest directly with you.
INTERVIEWER
I'd like twenty packs of toilet roll please.
RING OF A DOORBELL IN THE BACKGROUND.
ALI
Someone's at the door.
INTERVIEWER
That will be Joey and Salvatore.
ALI
Already?!
INTERVIEWER
I told you they'd be quick.
ALI
But... I haven't even given you my address!
INTERVIEWER
I can just make out the sign for Golders Green tube station through the window behind you. I told them it's the flat with blue curtains in the building opposite the station.
ALI
Huh.
INTERVIEWER
Joey and Salvatore will load up the ambulance with toilet paper, then wait at the other end of the street until Tom returns.
ALI
Huh. It's a deal!
INTERVIEWER
Well, you'd better go open that door. Say hello to Joey and Salvatore from me.
ALI
Will do! Thank you so much!
INTERVIEWER
A pleasure.
ALI LEAVES THE CALL.
INTERVIEWER
Well that went alright. Pity I couldn't offer her any Veuve Clicquot. Oh well.
POP OF THE CHAMPAGNE CORK. POURING.
INTERVIEWER
I'll just have both glasses. Ah. Hm. I wonder how long this will last. I do hope Alvina is alright. Oh well. Back to dissecting that dragonfly...
PHILIP
The Amelia Project is created by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager with music and sound design by Fredrik Baden. This episode was written by Philip Thorne and performed in lockdown by Alan Burgon, Julia Morizawa, Julia C. Thorne and Beth Crane. Now, as I hinted at in the intro, this isn’t quite the last Lockdown Tape. There will be another Lockdown Tape coming next week, exclusively for 5 dollar patrons. We rely on our patrons to keep the show going, now more so than ever. Oystein and I don’t pay ourselves a single cent for the work we do on Amelia, but we do our best to compensate the team, so if this podcast brings you joy and you’d like to support the actors and technicians making it please consider becoming a patron. It really, really helps us to keep the show alive. And what’s more, you’ll get another Lockdown Tape next week. Simply go to patreon.com/ameliapodcast. That’s p a t r e o n dot c o m slash ameliapodcast. Or you can visit our website ameliapodcast.com. You’d be making us so so happy. Thank you so much for listening, thank you to Eric Da’ Maj, Sophia Anderson, Katharina Sinderlar and Sophie Levezow, love to you all and stay safe.
END OF EPISODE
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