PATREON EXCLUSIVE: THE LOCKDOWN TAPES 7: LOO ROLL
WARNING: EXPLICIT LANGUAGE
PHILIP
Hello dear patrons hope you are well and here comes an exclusive Lockdown Tape just for you. It features a character who hasn’t made an appearance in the Lockdown Tapes so far. MI5 agent Haines from seasons 1 and 2 who will be back and hot on Amelia’s trail in season 3. Enjoy the Haines’ minisode “Loo roll”.
HAINES IS ON THE LOO IN THE MI5 GENTS. HE’S SQUEEZING ONE OUT, WHICH PLOPS INTO THE TOILET. THEN ANOTHER BIGGER ONE.
HAINES
Ah… So you’ve written “Phone”? Well, I have got X, Y, L and O. I can write xylophone! 42 points! Looser. Hahaha!
THE SOUND OF ALL THE LIGHTS IN THE BUILDING BEING TURNED OFF.
What? What the...? Aw, shit! Already? Hello? He - hello! HELLO! HELLO! I’m still in here! Don't turn off the lights! Damnit. Eh... OK... Uhm… Dougie.
HAINES DIALS A NUMBER.
Dougie? Dougie, come on! Douglas, oh Douglas, why do you never pick up! God damn it!
THE BEEP OF AN ANSWER PHONE.
Dougie! It's Haines. Are you still in Thames House? The lights just went out. Seems like everyone's gone home already. Please call me back. Thanks.
HE HANGS UP.
Shit... Uhm... Nancy!
HE DIALS ANOTHER NUMBER. NO ONE IS PICKING UP. HAINES IS WAITING ANXIOUSLY.
Nancy! Nancy… Okay… Come on. Nancy, aw! Not you too! Why does nobody pick up?
THE BEEP OF AN ANSWER PHONE.
Nancy, Haines here. If you haven't got too far, eh... There's no loo roll. Eh. In the Gents. I, I know it's not your job, but I don't have the number for the cleaners, so... I also know everyone in our department was just sent home, but... I don’t know. People might still need to come in, you know. For whatever reason. So, please, sort out the loo roll situation will you? Sooner rather than later? Thanks!
HE HANGS UP.
Aw. Fuck.
Cole, Cole, come on, Cole,
HE DIALS.
Cole, please, Cole I need you now! Just pick up, please! FUCK! Shit, fuck, fucking bollocks -
THE BEEP OF AN ANSWER PHONE.
- hi Cole. Hi there. Yeah, I'm leaving this message because... I'm in a bit of a... pickle. Eh. Did you know that they were closing down our floor? You know, everyone has just been sent home! I know you weren't in today, but did you see the e-mail from Northcott? I was just reading it a moment ago. Didn't think it would happen this fast, though, everyone leaving the building. It's been like less than fifteen minutes since she sent the e-mail.
You know she even shouts when she writes? Yeah! The whole thing is in all-caps:
"GO HOME!"
It doesn't make any sense though! You know? Asking MI5 agents to work from home? How are we supposed to prevent terrorism and cyber-fraud from our living rooms?! If that was possible, everyone would be doing it, wouldn't they!
Imagine every Tom, Dick and Harry walking around in their bathrobes cracking down on trafficking and drug cartels before stuffing their face with another fist full of Hobnobs! It's ridiculous!
God, now I want Hobnobs.
Northcott's e-mail says Royal Surveillance will "CONTINUE AT FULL CAPACITY". Well, they wouldn't dare cutting down on what those lazy buggers do, would they?!
"Do you have eyes on the Queen?"
"Confirmed."
"What is Her Royal Highness doing now?"
"The Queen just went into the tea room."
"Are the windows still triple-reinforced-bullet-proof-glass?"
"Yes, they are."
“Oh, very good. Where is she now then?"
"Still in the tea room."
Get a real job, why don't you!
Why would they send us home?!
It's not like people will stop plotting crime just because the country is in lockdown! Criminals aren't exactly known for listening to the authorities, are they?!
You know, imagine if that was the main psychological trait of a criminal:
"Prone to listen to authority figures and follow government guidelines".
Well, that would make our job a hell of a lot easier, wouldn't it!
What - I think we should all refuse to go home, and just stay in our offices. Not follow this stupid directive.
The thing is, when, when the e-mail was sent, I was a bit... preoccupied. So, so I didn't see it right away. Which was about... fifteen minutes ago. I guess in the meantime everyone else has gone home, because suddenly all the lights went out. Which must mean I'm the only one left in the building.
Only problem is... we’re out of loo roll in the gents. And I'm kind of still... on the loo. So...
Could you please drop by and... just help me out here? Please? Mate?
So sorry to ask you this. On your day off. But I'm... fucked.
It's starting to itch. You know? When you've been sitting there for too long playing WordFeud and then… Gets a bit crusty and then… bit itchy…
SNIGGERING FROM OUTSIDE. MORE SNIGGERING. SEVERAL PEOPLE SNIGGERING. THE LIGHTS COME BACK ON.
What the - ? What the hell is going on?
MORE LAUGHTER.
Oh no. Oh, no, it can't be. Okay, I’m going to check what date it is...
CHECKS HIS PHONE.
Yep, damn. April 1st! Cole, how the hell could I be so stupid?! Northcott would never send us home, would she! Wait a minute... But… But the e-mail?
CHECKS HIS PHONE AGAIN.
Of course. It's from northcot at MI5, Northcott spelled with one T... Fuck, I feel dumb.
HE SHOUTS TO THE PEOPLE OUTSIDE THE DOOR:
Ha ha guys! Very funny! Very, very funny! What a fabulous April Fools joke! You got me! Ha fucking ha! Now get me some God damn loo roll you bastards!
MORE LAUGHTER FROM OUTSIDE.
FADE OUT.
PHILIP
The Amelia Project is created by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager, with music and sound design by Fredrik Baden. This minisode was written by Oystein Ulsberg Brager and performed and recorded in lockdown by Benjamin Noble. Thank you so much to all of you, without you, there would be no Amelia Project. Your support is what keeps us going. And we will do our very best to bring you season 3 soon. Hope to see you for one of the next Cocoa Corners and in the meantime, thank you and stay safe.
THE END.
