PIP
Hello dear patrons. We recommend that you only listen to this Alvina-Archives Minisode after you've listened to Episode 51, for reasons that will soon become apparent. We catch up with Alvina on London's Southbank where she's about to get a giant Ferris wheel, the London Eye, for a top secret meeting. Thanks for your support and enjoy the minisode!
(MUSIC)
ALVINA
One ticket please.
(TICKET IS PRINTED OUT)
Thank you!
WALTER
(FROM FURTHER AWAY) Over here!
ALVINA
Oh! Are you...
WALTER
Quick, come on!
(THEY HURRY INTO THE CARRIAGE)
WALTER
Wouldn't have been much of a meeting if we didn't end up in the same carriage. True.
ALVINA
So you are...?
WALTER
Should we be using our real names?
ALVINA
What's the alternative?
WALTER
Shouldn't we have code names or something?
ALVINA
We already have new names?
WALTER
Oh, yeah, that's true.
ALVINA
So you are...
WALTER
Walter
ALVINA
(CHUCKLES) Alvina
(THEY SHAKE HANDS)
WALTER
Good to meet you. This is weird.
ALVINA
Yeah.
(PAUSE)
Wow.
WALTER
Yes. It is really overwhelming. A completely new existence outside of society.
ALVINA
No, I know when I was commenting on the view.
WALTER
Oh...
ALVINA
I have never been before you see.
WALTER
To London?
ALVINA
No, I've been to London. I live here now.
WALTER
Oh, of course. Sorry.
ALVINA
It's okay. I've just never taken the London Eye.
WALTER
Me neither. And I also haven't been to London ... before now.
ALVINA
Have you met any of the staff since you arrived? Or has everything been via email?
WALTER
(SADLY) Just email and phone.
ALVINA
I'm sorry about that. I wish I could have made it that first evening to welcome you… but things at the office got pretty hectic. We had a last minute client, you see, an elderly Jewish gentleman whose neck needed to snap during the traditional chair dance at his grandson's Bar Mitzvah. He would slip and his grandson, in the chair, had to land on top him. The kid was in on it. We didn't traumatize anyone
WALTER
Well, it certainly sounds a lot more fun than my Bar-Mitzvah
ALVINA (CON’T)
Anyway, the party was already the next day, and I had to get a body from the Jewish Undertaker and Dagenham. We wanted to make sure the body they buried was actually Jewish. Out of respect
WALTER
This is a pretty weird company, isn't it. (MUMBLES IN HEBREW)
ALVINA
So… how are you settling in?
WALTER
It's a lot to take in. New job, which isn't really my profession, then there's figuring out how to siphon off, you know, corpses for you guys. Then there's all the mundane stuff like where's my nearest grocery store? Where can I get a decent haircut?
ALVINA
(UNDERSTANDING) You don't have to explain.
WALTER
(STARTS IN HEBREW, STOPS) I mean, sorry. Sorry.
ALVINA
No, I mean, I get it. I only started a few weeks ago myself. Still figuring things out.
WALTER
Oh.
ALVINA
London at night. It's beautiful.
WALTER
(UNCONVINCED) I suppose.
ALVINA
You suppose? You're looking at one of the best views you can get of one of the most fascinating cities in the world. All these famous buildings that glow in the dark. Big Ben, Houses of Parliament, St. Paul’s cathedral - spectacular! Can't believe I live here now. I grew up on a rock… in the sea. How about you?
WALTER
Haifa Israel.
ALVINA
Hm. Bit busier?
WALTER
Yeah. Still a transition moving to London. Very different city.
ALVINA
I can imagine.
WALTER
All we can see are houses.
ALVINA
They're very famous buildings!
WALTER
But you can't see who’s inside them.
ALVINA
We can see more than buildings though. We ride on the Thames with all the boats. Oh and look over there - a double decker bus
WALTER
I'd rather be on the bus.
ALVINA
You'd rather be on a stinky crowded London bus than here with this view.
WALTER
I prefer people watching…
ALVINA
was that why suggested meeting at the London Eye. I guess it's normally a lot busier than this.
WALTER
3 million visitors a year.
ALVINA
Really?
WALTER
I- I read that somewhere. I considered suggesting a restaurant but everything was so full everyone would hear every word and then I walked past here and saw that it was practically empty. So... I texted you.
ALVINA
Right.
WALTER
If we had met on a bus on one of those tourist boats it would have been a lot more fun. But I probably would have struggled to pay attention to our conversation.
ALVINA
But… why not meet at the hospital? I can't imagine the pathology lab is very busy this time of day.
WALTER
No, it's quite dead. (CHUCKLES) Deadly... You know.
ALVINA
I got it
WALTER
Uh, one of my colleagues is working late. motorway accident. I said I was going to get something to eat
ALVINA
Amelia specifically asked us to meet at the pathology lab. We need a ground plan of the building. We have to figure out how to get clients back out without being seen. We can't have you almost getting caught again.
WALTER
(STARTS IN HEBREW, THEN STOPS) I mean, I'm really sorry about that.
ALVINA
Not your fault! We should have met earlier and figured all this out.
WALTER
Trying to smuggle a replacement corpse for a sumo wrestler out in the double bass case probably wasn't the best idea. My colleagues are all convinced I play the double base now.
ALVINA
Yeah... That was amateurish.
WALTER
S-sorry
ALVINA
-of us, of all of us.
WALTER
Oh!
ALVINA
we have to access the hospital computer. Look at work rotors, cleaning schedules, decide what's the best time to collect corpses and clients and I need to look at the paperwork, death certificates and so on. Stamps, signatures headed paper. How do we best fake all of that?
WALTER
(HUMS)
ALVINA
We have the French consonants' disappearance next week, and we must have all of this sorted before that.
WALTER
I-It's okay. Really. We'll go later. I asked my colleague to text me when she leaves. We just have to wait for a bit. It might get late…
ALVINA
Another late night…
WALTER
Sorry.
ALVINA
Nonono, not your fault. (WALTER SAYS SOMETHING IN HEBREW) In the meantime, we're here aren't we? enjoying the view... Which you don't like
WALTER
(EXCITED) Did you know, this is Europe's tallest observation wheel.
ALVINA
I did not.
(PAUSE)
Oh that must be Buckingham Palace over that. See? This is awkward.
WALTER
(STUTTERING) Sorry
ALVINA
Not your fault. You said you feel overwhelmed,
WALTER
I do. I'm not normally like this. I like people, I like talking. But since coming off that plane. These last weeks I felt…
ALVINA
...out of place?
WALTER
Landing in that remote airfield after flying for nearly eight hours after sitting in complete silence next to this mysterious woman who was gonna to give me a new life leaving my old one behind, of course.
ALVINA
I know exactly what you mean. When I landed here, after seeing the house I'd grown up in and lived in all my life crash into the sea... I didn't know what to feel. I didn’t say a word for hours. Just took it all in. The crowds, the tube… people everywhere. As soon as we arrived at the flat Amelia had set up for me I fell asleep and slept for 14 hours straight.
WALTER
I don't really sleep. In the day I people-watch I mean I go to work. I’d sleep more if I could but...
ALVINA
I'd recommend sleep.
WALTER
In general…?
ALVINA
(CHUCKLING) In general, yes.
WALTER
I'll make a note of that.
ALVINA
I just thought... It is a lot to take in. It is yeah, this view just keeps getting better. The higher we get.
WALTER
And the people down on the south bank keep getting smaller, I can make fewer and fewer details. Is that person walking a dog or a child?
ALVINA
How long is the ride?
WALTER
30 minutes. Then we might have to stroll the South Bank for a bit before we can head to the hospital
ALVINA
We have time to get to know each other then?
WALTER
(STARTS IN HEBREW AGAIN) I guess we do.
ALVINA
Let's try to figure out if we have anything in common.
WALTER
I doubt it.
ALVINA
Tell me about growing up in Tel Aviv,
WALTER
Haifa. If you tell me about growing up on a rock in the sea
ALVINA
Wait is that a Where's Wally lapel-pin
WALTER
Uh… yes why?
ALVINA
We have a starting point then! I had all the books!
WALTER
(HAPPILY EXCITED) You like Where's Wally??
ALVINA
Yes,
WALTER
Yet you still preferred houses to people.
ALVINA
I can deal with people in drawings. I just don't like dealing with real people.
WALTER
(IN HIS ELEMENT) I love real people! Did you notice that the woman selling us the tickets was in the process of removing a tattoo that was halfway to the heart saying Jonathan on her neck. Or the family leaving the capsule as you enter the son had a cross on a chain around his neck whilst the daughter had an upside down cross. I'm sure their family dinners are a riot.
ALVINA
Well, you're talking about observing people at a distance that I can get on board with. I just hate it when I need people to do something for me. It's always so much stress.
WALTER
So our working relationship is off to a bad start then?
ALVINA
That's not what I meant!
WALTER
I'm joking!
(END MUSIC)