WHERE THE STARS FELL & THE AMELIA PROJECT - THE PERILS OF FREELANCING

Hello dear Amelia listeners and welcome to this new crossover special. Not that long ago we discovered the fiction podcast ‘Where the stars fell” and we immediately fell in love with the accident-prone and ridiculously foolheartedly Dr. Ed Tucker. Where the stars fell is made by Caldera Studios and showrunner Newton Schottelkotte, who’s mad-cap-mind really shined with us.

In that show, we follow Dr. Ed Tucker as she moves to Jerusalem, Oregon, to research the strange and unusual. And she finds strange and unusual things in abundance to the constant frustration of her housemate, Lucy Kensington, who always has to take Ed to the Emergency Room. But at the end of the day, the most unusual thing in Jerusalem might be Ed herself - she just doesn’t seem to be able to die. We’ll leave it at that.

We are proud to present a special crossover minisode between Where The Stars Fell and The Amelia Project. We hope that you enjoy it, and we hope that you also go and check out Where The Stars Fell, as it’s a fantastic show. Also, we are doing two different endings to this episode, one on our feed and one on theirs, so do go check that out. We hope you enjoy this minisode, which is called “The Perils of Freelancing”

(INTRO MUSIC)

SCENE ONE, INT. ED’S LAB

(ED IS SITTING AT HER DESK, FIDDLING WITH A RUBIX CUBE WHILE A SAMPLE IS IN THE CENTRIFUGE. IT BEEPS WHEN IT FINISHES, STARTLING HER INTO DROPPING THE TOY AND TILTING BACK, BANGING THE BACK OF HER HEAD ON HER DESK)

Ow! Damnit–!

(SHE RIGHTS HERSELF AND RUBS AT THE BACK OF HER HEAD, REMOVING THE SAMPLE FROM THE CENTRIFUGE AND SETTING IT ON HER DESK. STARES AT IT FOR A BEAT. WHATEVER WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN DEFINITELY ISN’T HAPPENING. FOOTSTEPS AS LUCY ENTERS WITH HER CANE. ED DOESN’T NOTICE)

You are one tough nut to crack, huh bud?

LUCY

Are you talking to the slime mold?

(QUICKLY) It’s not weird.

BEAT.

I dunno what else I’m supposed to do. It’s been almost half a year since I found the thing, and I still can’t get a read on it.

LUCY

(DRYLY) Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Yeah, but it just threw more of that acid at me and burned my goddamn leg off. Very illuminating ten minutes, though- I kinda get it now.

LUCY

Then your penance can be making dinner.

Fine. It’s still your night to do the dishes, though.

(ED swivels in her chair to face LUCY)

Oh, hey, y’know that fuck-y thing I can do with my eyes? I figured out how to do it on command. Check this out.

(A scraping, hissing sound effect as ED’S eyes do something distinctly demonic)

LUCY

Good Christ, that’s creepy!

(delighted) I know, right? I did it in front of Mike, and he freaked out.

(Faintly, the washing machine dings)

LUCY

Oh, that’ll be mine.

I think I have a bra in there too. If there’s still blood on it, just throw it out.

(LUCY exits. ED’S phone rings. She picks it up off the desk and answers it)

Please be a robocaller and not the dean, please be a robocaller and not the dean- Hello?

ALVINA

Hello Dr. Tucker.

Alvina! How’s the aloe plant?

ALVINA

Brown and squishy, I’m afraid.

Classic root rot. Put it in a high-sunlight area and don’t touch it for two weeks. If that doesn’t work, you’re gonna need to get a de-humidifier.

ALVINA

I live in Britain. There is no de-humidifier in the world that can do anything about this damp.

My condolences to the little guy. So, I’m assuming you’ve got something on the docket for me.

ALVINA

I was just calling to let you know we’ve emailed you the details. I know how often you check it.

Ha ha ha. I’ll get my best screenreader on it.

ALVINA

You have more than one?

I switch up the voices sometimes. Keeps things interesting. See you when I see you.

(ED HANGS UP, SITS DOWN AT HER COMPUTER, PULLS UP HER EMAIL, AND ACTIVATES HER SCREENREADER)

SCREENREADER

Email from alvina.wright.tap@gmail.com. Hi Ed. We have a job for you. Louisa Graves is the owner of the number one interactive haunted attraction in the United States: “Andy Werewolf-hol’s Factory of Screams”. Unfortunately, five star reviews can’t protect you from the scariest thing of all: OSHA.

Amen to that, brother.

SCREENREADER (CON’T)

Graves’ predilection for the frightfully avant-garde has resulted in enough strikes to get the attraction shut down. Over a hundred out-of-work actors and artisans will soon be banging down her door for severance packages– packages that she can’t afford to provide. She needs to disappear, and has requested a demise that will showcase the true fright might of her Factory: being scared to death.

So, a heart attack.

SCREENREADER (CAN’T)

Also known as a heart attack.

There we go. How do they keep forgetting one of my doctorates is in biology?

SCREENREADER (CON’T)

Your compensation is listed below.

BEAT. Click.

You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.

INT. THE HOLY GRILL

(IT’S A RELATIVELY SLOW DAY; A FEW PATRONS. THE DOOR BELL JINGLES AS ED ENTERS, WALKING UP TO MAMA GABE AT THE BAR)

MAMA GABE

Picking up or eating in?

One-woman unionizing, but I’ll also take a coffee.

MAMA GABE (SNORTS)

Have fun with that.

Did you see a guy come in? Weird, British, probably ordered a hot chocolate?

MAMA GABE

He’s in the booth over there. Friend of yours?

My Pinkerton.

(ED WALKS OVER TO THE BOOTH AND SLIDES INTO A SEAT)

INTERVIEWER

Hello, Ed.

What the hell, man?!

INTERVIEWER

(STILL FRIENDLY) How are you today?

Are we doing this? Are we really doing this?

INTERVIEWER

If by “this” you mean “initiating the beginnings of a polite conversation”, then I do hope so.

I– fine. Fine. Work is good. I taught William Shakespeare to roll over. A bunch of small, terminally online children invaded my home last week and almost burned down my backyard. You know how it is.

INTERVIEWER

How exciting! And William Shakespeare is…

My alligator lizard. And lab partner, in a way.

INTERVIEWER

Ah! You know, a few years ago Joey got a nasty concussion, so we brought in a very large rat to be his replacement. Wonderful help around the office, and an excellent cook. Truly left us too soon.

What happened to him?

INTERVIEWER

Oh, Joey found out he’d been replaced, and ate him.

He ate the rat.

INTERVIEWER

Allegedly raw.

Yeah, that’s the line for me. I managed to get Lucy to like squirrel, though, which… considering what you people call a delicacy? Should not have been as hard as it was. (BEAT) Wait, what were we talking about?

INTERVIEWER

I believe you were gearing up to begin shouting at me very expressively.

Yeah, that sounds like me.

(ED SNAPS HER FINGERS)

Now I remember! What the hell?!

INTERVIEWER

Retracing our steps, are we?

No, reacting extremely normally to some bullshit! 150k? For a goddamn heart attack? You paid me more to get buried by cement!

INTERVIEWER

The arsenic pill was included in that.

You have a billion of those! I didn’t need to make my own and you know it! Buried alive is easy; you just die some other way and wait to get pulled out. An induced heart attack? I’ve gotta be visibly in agony the entire time, and get an air bubble shot through my foot! All I’m saying is that for the personal labor involved, I should be getting at least two hundred. Especially since I’m literally the only one who can do this.

INTERVIEWER

I wouldn’t say that.

How many other physically immortal people do you know? Quickly. One, two, three, four; list ‘em off for me.

INTERVIEWER

Certainly I’ve found no one else with your particular set of skills, but there are always a handful of Tisch students overly eager to go method.

But I’m irreplaceable. As in, you don’t have to keep replacing me every time you throw me into an airplane engine.

INTERVIEWER

Dr. Edison Tucker: the eco-friendly choice!

Exactly! That kind of renewable guarantee deserves fair compensation.

INTERVIEWER

You know, compared to your original pitch, this one is seeming a little dry.

You mean when you saw me get run over by a Range Rover outside an In-N-Out and offered to buy me a milkshake if I did it again?

INTERVIEWER

Seeing is believing, in your case.

You shot me in the face!

INTERVIEWER

I did no such thing!

BEAT.

I had Salvatore shoot you in the face.

Same difference!

INTERVIEWER

You said, and I quote “Uh, do your worst, dude, I can take it”.

(UPSET) Yeah, but he shot me in the face! That was my favorite jacket! Do you know how long it takes to clean blood out of corduroy?

INTERVIEWER

Yes.

(FLAT) Of course you do. Look, all I’m saying is, with a history of quality like mine– can you really put a price on that?

INTERVIEWER

I’m afraid for the sake of our accountant, I must.

Accountant?

INTERVIEWER

Alvina.

Goddamnit.

(FOOTSTEPS AS MAMA GABE APPROACHES THE BOOTH WITH THEIR DRINKS)

MAMA GABE

Alright you two. Coffee for Ed, and cocoa for [CENSOR NOISE].

(She sets both mugs down on the table)

INTERVIEWER

Ooh, thank you!

(TO MAMA GABE) How did you do that with your mouth?

MAMA GABE

Wouldn’t you like to know.

(She chuckles and walks away)

I would!

BEAT. (TO THE INTERVIEWER)

Is that your real name?

INTERVIEWER

I don’t know anyone called “Bleeeep”.

You know what I mean.

BEAT.

INTERVIEWER

No, it’s not.

Worth a shot.

INTERVIEWER

You have your mysteries and I have mine.

Well, mine’s not exactly a mystery anymore.

INTERVIEWER

(CURIOUS) Really? Do tell.

(ED laughs, a mixture of condescending and exhausted)

Not your department, I’m afraid.

INTERVIEWER

Oh, let me guess. Do you mind if I guess? Unless one of my last ones was correct?

Nope, I’m not an alien.

INTERVIEWER

Phooey. Government experimentation?

No, although the US nuclear bunker is about two hours from where I grew up.

INTERVIEWER

Previously unheard of Appalachian legend?

You think I’m the cryptid? Huh. That would have been pretty ironic. Kinda… poetic interpretation of a well-known archetype that circumvents the expected narrative.

(BEAT, A LITTLE TOO CHEERFULLY)

Too bad this shit is my life!

INTERVIEWER

Have you tried yoga?

(VENOMOUSLY PLEASANT) No, I haven’t. Tell me more.

INTERVIEWER

Wait, that gives me an idea. Secret government super soldier trainee that simply cannot die until her mission is completed!

What would my mission be?

INTERVIEWER

Something no average human could ever hope to accomplish. Have you ever been in and out at the DMV in fifteen minutes?

Dear God, if only.

INTERVIEWER

Well, you’ve stumped me again. You know, the office has a betting pool going.

Don’t I feel special. Tell you what, I’ll put it to you this way.

(ED PUTS HER ELBOWS ON THE TABLE AND LEANS FORWARD)

(SLOW AND QUIET) When I tell you that my particular time and talent is worth a certain amount of compensation, and you tell me no… it makes me kinda angry. Makes me upset. And I have learned as of recent that very, very bad things happen to people who do that. Because what I am? Is something you really don’t want to fuck with.

(THE SOUND FROM EARLIER AS ED DOES THE DEMONIC TRICK WITH HER EYES)

INTERVIEWER

(UNIMPRESSED) You seem to have a problem with your eyes. Would you like me to ask Kozlowski to do something about that?

(ED LEANS BACK)

What– no! I don’t want Kozlowski to operate on me! The last time he did, I looked like if someone threw me in the back of a horse trailer and made it run a coaster at Dollywood! Then he proceeded to tell me I looked so handsome he hoped I wouldn’t regenerate!

INTERVIEWER

Shame. I’m sure for a valued asset like you, he would fix your eyes for a significantly reduced rate.

I was trying to scare you!

INTERVIEWER

(PRETEND) “Ooooh! I’m so scared!” Was that better?

I was proving a fucking point! I’m the–!

(ED SIGHS AND RUBS AT HER FACE. SHE’S EXHAUSTED AND OUT OF PATIENCE AND READY TO PULL A DIFFERENT KIND OF RANK)

(GROANS) Do you believe in God?

INTERVIEWER

Not particularly.

Do you believe in the other guy?

BEAT.

INTERVIEWER

Really?!

Really.

(PAUSE)

INTERVIEWER

Well, I suppose with a record as long as yours, there’s some room for negotiation…?

Fantastic.

INTERVIEWER

Have you always been able to do that?

(ECHOING MAMA GABE) Wouldn’t you like to know?

(SHE RAISES HER COFFEE CUP FOR A TOAST)

To compromises.

INTERVIEWER

Indeed.

(HE RAISES HIS OWN MUG: CLINK!)

THE AMELIA OFFICES.

ALVINA

So how did it go?

INTERVIEWER

Good, good.

ALVINA

"Good, good"?

INTERVIEWER

Yes. Good, good.

ALVINA

You can't just say "Good, good"!

INTERVIEWER

Why not? "Good" is a perfectly good word, I can use it more than once!

ALVINA

Because you went to the states for wage negotiations!

INTERVIEWER

And?

ALVINA

You were in very serious talks with a unique subcontractor, without whom there are a number of disappearances we could have never have pulled off, like the Bangladeshi tiger mauling! And she was unhappy!

INTERVIEWER

So?

ALVINA

So I need to know how it went! Is Ed still working for us? Can I send her the details for the San Francisco tram accident? And most importantly: Did you manage to keep our overheads down?

INTERVIEWER

Well, uhm, I'll answer in order: Yes. Yes. And... no.

ALVINA

No?

INTERVIEWER

No.

ALVINA

How much did she want?

INTERVIEWER

Two hundred thousand.

ALVINA

Two hundred thousand!?

INTERVIEWER

Yes.

ALVINA

That's a raise of 33 percent!

INTERVIEWER

Yes, it would have been.

ALVINA

Would have been? Oh, I asked what she wanted. Sorry, we're talking past each other. Phew! So, how much did you end up agreeing to pay her?

INTERVIEWER

Three hundred thousand.

BEAT.

ALVINA

(CALMLY) That's more than two hundred thousand.

INTERVIEWER

She had very convincing arguments.

ALVINA

Are you sure you mean three hundred thousand?

INTERVIEWER

…Yes?

Beat.

ALVINA

Three hundred thousand? Per death?

INTERVIEWER

Yes.

BEAT.

ALVINA

ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY INSANE!?

(HITS THE TABLE)

INTERVIEWER

(UNDER HIS BREATH)

Oh dear...

(THE INTERVIEWER STARTS SNEAKING OUT, FIRST SLOWLY, THEN PICKS UP PACE)

ALVINA

I KNEW I SHOULD NEVER HAVE LET YOU GO! WHY COULDN'T UPSTAIRS DO THIS HERSELF? WHY DIDN'T I GO!? I SHOULD HAVE SENT KOZLOWSKI!

Don't you dare leave whilst I'm shouting at you!

I SHOULD HAVE SENT SALVATORE! I SHOULD HAVE SENT JOEY! THAT RAT WE HIRED WOULD HAVE DONE A BETTER JOB! EVEN AFTER HE GOT EATEN!

COME BACK HERE! COME BACK HERE, YOU!

(THE DOOR CLOSES BEHIND THE INTERVIEWER)

END.

PIP

The Perils Of Freelancing was a crossover special between The Amelia Project and Where The Stars Fell. It was written and designed by Newton Schottelkotte with additional writing by Oystein Ulsberg Brager and additional editing and sound design by Adam Raymonda and Philip Thorne. It featured Newton Schottelkotte as Dr. Edison Tucker, Madelyn Harvieux as Lucille Kensington, Kiera Gill as Mama Gabe, Alan Burgon as the Interviewer and Julia C. Thorne as Alvina. The Amelia Theme is composed by Fredrik Baden, the Where The Stars Fell theme is composed by Tyler Petty and Newton Schottelkotte. For transcripts, merch, bonus material and ways to support the show, visit ameliapodcast.com

END.