EPISODE 31 - THE PRESIDENT
PHILIP
Hello everybody! You’re about to listen to the last episode of the first half of Season 3. There will be a second part, more info about that at the end of the episode. This Season 3 Part 1 Finale is dedicated to our German listener Maty Parzival who recently made a generous donation to the show and who has been keeping us entertained by tweeting pictures of Funko Pop figurines dressed up as The INTERVIEWER and Alvina. They’ve even been changing outfits and accessories for various episodes and for Halloween the INTERVIEWER was dressed as… a penguin. Of course. If you want to see what I’m talking about go to our twitter or head over to ameliapodcast.com and we’ve posted some pictures on the fan art section of the website. Anyway, thank you Maty, or rather, ganz vielen Dank für deine sehr liebe Unterstützung. And now, without further ado, let’s catch up with the INTERVIEWER and see how he’s getting on in Golovin prison. Enjoy the new episode.
THE INTERVIEWER’S CELL IN GOLOVIN PRISON:
INTERVIEWER
(READING IN RUSSIAN) So also in history the new view says: "It is true that we are not conscious of our dependence, but by admitting our free will we arrive at absurdity, while by admitting our dependence on the external world, on time, and on cause, we arrive at laws."
(IN ENGLISH) Is it pronounced (IN RUSSIAN) "laws"?
OLEG
(IN RUSSIAN) Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Good.
(CONTINUES READING IN RUSSIAN) “In the first case it was necessary to renounce the consciousness of an unreal immobility in space and to recognise a motion we did not feel; in the present case it is similarly necessary to renounce a freedom that does not exist, and to recognise a dependence of which we are not conscious.
(IN ENGLISH) The end.
CLOSES BOOK.
That's Tolstoy done. Can you ask Boris for the collected works of Solzhenitsyn next?
OLEG
(IN RUSSIAN) Yes.
SILENCE
INTERVIEWER
I'm so bored Oleg! I'm so so bored!
SILENCE.
You know what Hedy Lamarr said?
OLEG
(IN RUSSIAN) No.
INTERVIEWER
"I can excuse everything but boredom."
SILENCE.
"Sooner barbarity than boredom." That's Théophile Gautier.
OLEG
(IN RUSSIAN) Yes.
INTERVIEWER
"Stagnation breeds boredom." That's Chekhov.
OLEG
(IN RUSSIAN) Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Ha! Tricked you! It's Matt Bellamy from Muse! (LAUGHS)
SILENCE.
INTERVIEWER
Oleg, I'm so bored!
SILENCE.
INTERVIEWER
Tell me why I'm here.
OLEG
(IN RUSSIAN) No.
INTERVIEWER
They've got a job for me.
OLEG
(IN RUSSIAN) Yes.
INTERVIEWER
What is it?
SILENCE.
Why don't they just tell me!
INTERVIEWER
They're testing me, right?
OLEG
(IN RUSSIAN) Yes.
INTERVIEWER
They've got a job, but they're testing me first.
OLEG
(IN RUSSIAN) Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Have I passed the test? When will I know if I've passed the test? What's the job?
SILENCE.
When are the others arriving?
SILENCE.
I'm so bored!!!
PAUSE.
I know! Let's play a game to pass the time. Do you know Twenty Questions?
OLEG
(IN RUSSIAN) No.
INTERVIEWER
You have to think of a famous person.
BEAT.
Got one?
OLEG
(IN RUSSIAN) Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Now I have to guess who it is by asking up to twenty questions. You can only reply with yes or no. Got it?
OLEG
(IN RUSSIAN) Yes.
INTERVIEWER
(RUBS HIS HANDS TOGETHER) I'm a world champion at this. Bet I'll be able to tell you who you're thinking of in under ten questions. Ready?
OLEG
(IN RUSSIAN) Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Is the person fictional?
OLEG
(IN RUSSIAN) No.
INTERVIEWER
Is it a woman?
OLEG
(IN RUSSIAN) Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Is she Russian?
OLEG
(IN RUSSIAN) No.
INTERVIEWER
British?
OLEG
(IN RUSSIAN) No.
INTERVIEWER
American?
OLEG
(IN RUSSIAN) Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Is she alive?
OLEG
(HESITATES)
INTERVIEWER
It's a simple question Oleg. Is she alive?
OLEG
(IN RUSSIAN) N... No. Yes? No?
INTERVIEWER
A famous American and you're not sure if she's dead or... oh.
BEAT.
Cheeky.
BEAT.
Amelia Earhart.
BEAT.
OLEG
(IN RUSSIAN) Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Hmm. You want me to tell you about Amelia Earhart?
OLEG
(IN RUSSIAN) Yes.
INTERVIEWER
She's dead.
(SOFTLY) But I'll never understand why she refused our help.
Oleg, I have an idea. I've always wanted to write my memoirs. I've tried recounting them to Alvina, but she's a dreadful transcriber. Keeps interrupting me.
(IMITATING ALVINA) How did you get a job at the Vatican? You're not even Catholic! Pagiliacci at the Paris Opera House? You can barely sing three blind mice! Prove you can speak Sentinelese! Go on, say "cocoa" in Sentinelese! You did not cross Texas on a bicycle! What do you mean you used to be an ivory poacher?!
She's so rude. You on the other hand... you won't ask any questions.
OLEG
(IN RUSSIAN) No.
INTERVIEWER
I can count on your silence?
OLEG
(IN RUSSIAN) Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Have you got your pen?
OLEG
(RUSSIAN) Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Are you sitting comfortably?
OLEG
(IN RUSSIAN) Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Good. Because this is a long story. It's a story that stretches from Pyongyang to Celebration Florida, from the foothills of the Himalayas to Bournemouth Pier, from the Judaean Desert to Milton Keynes. Are you ready for this Oleg?
OLEG
(IN RUSSIAN) Yes.
INTERVIEWER
(RUBS HIS HANDS TOGETHER) There's always time for a story, the question is... where should I begin?
Got it! I'll start with my first trip to Russia! That would be fitting don't you think?
OLEG
(IN RUSSIAN) Yes.
INTERVIEWER
So. Back in 1941-
BORIS BURSTS IN.
BORIS
Time to go!
INTERVIEWER
Um... What?
BORIS
Mikhail is happy.
INTERVIEWER
You still haven't told me who this Mikhail is- Wait! He's happy? You mean...?
BORIS
Yes. You've passed the test. Congratulations.
INTERVIEWER
You'll finally tell me why I'm here?
BORIS
Yes. We've got a client for you.
INTERVIEWER
Okay...
BORIS
An important client.
INTERVIEWER
Okay...
BORIS
We're counting on you not to mess this up.
INTERVIEWER
I'm the best in the business.
BORIS
Hm.
INTERVIEWER
I won't let you down.
BORIS
It's vital you succeed. For Russia's sake... and for your sake.
INTERVIEWER
For my sake?
BORIS
If you fail, we make you disappear. And there will be no reappearance. Get it?
INTERVIEWER
Yes Boris, that's very clear.
So, who is this client? Bring them in!
BORIS
He's not coming here!
INTERVIEWER
Oh. Then...
BORIS
I told you, we're going!
INTERVIEWER
Leaving Golovin?
BORIS
Yes. Here, put on this Ushanka, it's cold outside, you don't want your ears to freeze off.
INTERVIEWER
Ooh. I've always fancied myself wearing one of these.
BORIS
Come on! He's waiting!
INTERVIEWER
Where are we going?
BORIS
The Kremlin.
THEME TUNE.
BORIS AND THE INTERVIEWER GET OUT OF A CAR AND WALK TOWARDS THE KREMLIN’S MAIN GATE.
BORIS
Take off your hat!
INTERVIEWER
(TEETH CHATTERING) But it's so cold...
BORIS
Show some respect! Nobody goes through the Spasskaya Gate without taking off their hat. Not even Napoleon.
INTERVIEWER
Napoleon?
BORIS
He refused, but as he passed through the gate the wind tore the bicorne from his head! Ha!
a huge gate of wood and steel creaks open. boris and the INTERVIEWER walk through.
Welcome to the Kremlin! The greatest fortress in the world! The heart of Russia!
INTERVIEWER
Wow. It's even more majestic than I remember.
BORIS
The Kremlin houses five palaces and four cathedrals. It's home to the world’s largest bell, the Tsar Bell. It- Wait, you've been here before?
INTERVIEWER
A long time ago.
BORIS' PHONE RINGS.
BORIS
It's Mikhail.
(IN RUSSIAN) Yes. Yes. Certainly. Sorry. We're on our way, we're on our way. Terem Palace. Yes.
(IN ENGLISH TO THE INTERVIEWER) We're late. We have to hurry. Your client is waiting in Terem Palace and he's getting impatient.
INTERVIEWER
(EXCITED) Is it the president?
BORIS
You're about to find ou- Hey, where are you going?
INTERVIEWER
Terem Palace.
BORIS
It's this way.
INTERVIEWER
If we go to the Armoury Chamber and down the passage to the bunker, there's a tunnel that connects to Terem Palace. It's a shortcut.
BORIS
But-
INTERVIEWER
Thought you said we needed to hurry? Come on!
BORIS
How... how do you know about this?
INTERVIEWER
Told you. I've been here before. Turn left!
BORIS
We can't-
INTERVIEWER
Down this staircase!
they descend a narrow, winding, stone staircase.
BORIS
Are you sure about this?
INTERVIEWER
I know this building like the back of my hand.
BORIS
How come?!
INTERVIEWER
Hmm.
BORIS
What's up?
INTERVIEWER
The tunnel is located beneath one of these flagstones. But I can't remember which one.
BORIS
This is ridiculous. You don't have a clue! We're going back up.
INTERVIEWER
No! Got it!
(HEAVING A HEAVY STONE) Come on, don't just stand there, give me a hand!
boris and the INTERVIEWER heave.
BORIS
(PANTING IN RUSSIAN) Good God!
THE FLAGSTONE MOVES TO THE SIDE.
INTERVIEWER
Down we go.
BORIS
You're absolutely sure-
INTERVIEWER
Oh yes. Spent many an air raid down there.
BORIS
Air raid? When exactly did you come here?
INTERVIEWER
Seventy nine years ago. Ready?
they descend into the tunnel.
BORIS
Seventy nine- ? How old were you? How old are you? How-
INTERVIEWER
It was one of my more unusual cases...
BORIS
You were here for a job?
INTERVIEWER
Of course.
BORIS
Who was the client?
INTERVIEWER
The Kremlin.
BORIS
Who in the Kremlin?
INTERVIEWER
Just the Kremlin.
BORIS
(BUMPING HIS HEAD) Ouch!
INTERVIEWER
Duck!
BORIS
(RUBBING HIS HEAD AND SWEARING IN RUSSIAN) Bloody hell.
INTERVIEWER
The tunnel is about to get a lot narrower. Time to get down on our hands and knees.
they crawl through the tunnel.
BORIS
Your client was the Kremlin?
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
BORIS
You're joking.
INTERVIEWER
No. I made the Kremlin disappear.
BORIS
YOU WHAT?!
INTERVIEWER
During the war the Germans unleashed hundreds of bombs over Moscow, but the Kremlin didn't suffer a scratch. Why not?
BORIS
Because-
INTERVIEWER
Because I made it disappear! You're very welcome Boris.
BORIS
Hang on hang on hang on.
INTERVIEWER
Making 70 acres of territory disappear is quite the challenge! We covered the facades with wood and re-painted all the towers. We painted the roofs rusty brown, making them indistinguishable from the rest of Moscow. We covered the courtyards with sand and stretched tents, disguised as roofs, over the gardens. We hid Lenin’s mausoleum under a huge shack. We made the Kremlin vanish into the city. It was the biggest military deception in history!
BORIS
That was Boris Iofan.
INTERVIEWER
Who?
BORIS
Boris Iofan? The architect?
INTERVIEWER
Pffff. He was useful for sawing up wood and painting facades, sure, but the overall plan- By the way, if you reach up, you should be able to reach the first rung of a ladder...
BORIS
Yes!
INTERVIEWER
Up we go!
THEY CLAMBER UP A LADDER.
BORIS
(HUFFING AND PUFFING AS HE CLIMBS) You weren't really involved in the Kremlin's disappearance?
INTERVIEWER
(PANTING) I can't believe they've given that Iofan twerp the credit!
BORIS
(BUMPING HIS HEAD AGAIN) Ouch!
INTERVIEWER
Are you alright?
BORIS
It doesn't go up any further. The ladder... hits the ceiling.
INTERVIEWER
Push!
BORIS
Sorry?
INTERVIEWER
There's a trap door just above your head. Push.
BORIS
Where does it lead?
INTERVIEWER
The Krestovaya Guest Chamber.
BORIS
Alright. (HE LETS OUT A GROAN AS HE PUSHES)
Shit shit shit!
INTERVIEWER
What?
BORIS
You idiot!
INTERVIEWER
What?
BORIS
That's not Terem Palace!
INTERVIEWER
It's not?
BORIS
No!! It's the dormitory of the Kremlin Regiment!!
INTERVIEWER
Oh...
BORIS
I can't believe I followed you!
INTERVIEWER
I... I thought...
BORIS
You liar!
INTERVIEWER
But-
BORIS
Hurry hurry! We're late enough as it is! He's got a short temper and he's a stickler for punctuality!
AD BREAK
FOOTSTEPS ON A MARBLE CORRIDOR.
BORIS
Always say "sir", don't look him in the eye but don't look away either, and don't click your tongue. He really hates that.
INTERVIEWER
Alright.
BORIS
You're not wearing any orange are you?
INTERVIEWER
Excuse me?
BORIS
The handkerchief!
INTERVIEWER
What?
BORIS
In your breast pocket. It's orange. Throw it away.
INTERVIEWER
But it was a gift from a-
BORIS
He doesn't like orange.
INTERVIEWER
I can just stuff it in my pocket so he won't see it...
BORIS
I wouldn't risk it. Oh and please please please, whatever you do: don't pick your nose!
INTERVIEWER
Okay...
BORIS
Don't scratch your cheek or stroke your chin or rub your brow in case he misinterprets it and thinks you're picking your nose.
INTERVIEWER
BORIS
Okay...
Probably best to just keep your fingers away from your face.
INTERVIEWER
I'm sure I'll manage.
BORIS
I mean it. He's had people executed for less.
INTERVIEWER
I've dealt with presidents before.
BORIS
Hm.
INTERVIEWER
We are seeing the president, right?
BEAT.
Boris?
BEAT.
BORIS
We're seeing a president, yes.
INTERVIEWER
What do you mean?
BORIS
Ready?
INTERVIEWER
I... I think so...
BORIS KNOCKS.
JULIO
(FROM BEHIND THE DOOR. SPANISH.) What?!
BORIS
I've got your visitor.
JULIO
(FROM BEHIND THE DOOR. SPANISH.) About fucking time!
BORIS
So can we come in?
JULIO
(FROM BEHIND THE DOOR. SPANISH.) YES!!!
BORIS OPENS THE DOOR AND HE AND THE INTERVIEWER STEP IN.
INTERVIEWER
So nice to meet you sir! Welcome to The Amelia Project. We don't usually do house calls, but for such an eminent client we're more than happy to make an exception. Now, first things first, do you think the Kremlin kitchens can rustle up two cups of cocoa? Or three? Boris, you'll have cocoa too?
JULIO
SIT!!!
INTERVIEWER
Of course of course. How presumptuous of me. Maybe cocoa's not your... thing. Champagne? I haven't had a decent glass of bubbly since I was frogmarched out of my-
JULIO
SHUT UP!!!
INTERVIEWER
I... Certainly. What can I do for you Mr...?
JULIO
Presidente Julio Che Rodriguez Alvarez de la Fuente, Major General of the Panaraguan Freedom Army of 1972.
INTERVIEWER
Can I call you Julio?
JULIO
NO!
INTERVIEWER
Very well.
UNCOMFORTABLE PAUSE.
Okay. So, to begin with, I'll just ask some questions about your story and-
JULIO
Nobody asks Presidente Julio Che Rodriguez Alvarez de la Fuente, Major General of the Panaraguan Freedom Army of 1972 questions!
INTERVIEWER
I'm not allowed to ask you questions?
JULIO
CERTAINLY NOT!
INTERVIEWER
Then how do we proceed?
JULIO
That was a question!
INTERVIEWER
Blimey, this is going to be difficult.
THEY SIT IN AWKWARD SILENCE.
I have an idea! I'll ask Boris questions! He'll answer, and if there's anything you disagree with, you can correct him.
JULIO
(GRUNTS)
INTERVIEWER
So, Boris... What is the President of Panaragua doing in the Kremlin?
BORIS
You know what's happening in Panaragua don't you?
INTERVIEWER
Since arriving in Golovin I've been in a bubble, but the civil war is still raging I assume?
BORIS
It's escalated. The Panaraguan Pythons have made huge advances. Perez is-
JULIO
PABLO PEREZ GARCIA IS NEVER GOING TO TAKE MY PLACE! NOT OVER MY DEAD BODY!
BORIS
Of course not sir! That's why we've brought this man.
INTERVIEWER
Me?
BORIS
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Really? You... uh... want me to help you win the fight against the rebels?!
BORIS
Oh it's too late for that.
INTERVIEWER
What do you mean?
BORIS
The Panaraguan Pythons control eighty percent of the army. We've sent over troops to assist the last loyalists, but frankly, we're outnumbered. The Pythons have practically won.
JULIO
(A TORRENT OF SPANISH SWEARWORDS)
BORIS
(KEEPS TALKING OVER JULIO'S SWEARING) They took Valle de las Sombras yesterday. They're heading to Monterosa now. We assume they'll reach the palace tomorrow.
INTERVIEWER
Oh dear...
BORIS
Once Perez stands on the presidential balcony addressing the crowds and waving the rebel flag, there's no turning back.
INTERVIEWER
So the president fled to Mosc-
JULIO
(IN SPANISH) FLED???
BORIS
(QUICKLY) He didn't want to leave Panaragua, but we convinced him to seek refuge here.
INTERVIEWER
Why?
BORIS
He's our most important ally in the region.
INTERVIEWER
Not for long.
JULIO
EXCUSE ME?!
INTERVIEWER
Um... I mean... Assuming the rebels are about to storm the palace...
JULIO
I've led Panaragua for the last four decades and will lead it for at least four more! Then my son will take over and his son from him and his son from him and his son from him! Get it? (IN SPANISH) "Not for long?" "Not for long?" How dare he!
INTERVIEWER
Boris said... your days as president are - Boris help me out here - um... (FAINTLY) numbered?
BORIS
I said nothing of the sort.
INTERVIEWER
You said the rebels have practically won!
BORIS
Correct.
INTERVIEWER
Which means Julio Che Rodriguez-, your ally, will no longer be in charge!
BORIS
Incorrect.
INTERVIEWER
How?
julio
I travel back to Monterosa tomorrow!
INTERVIEWER
That's when the rebels storm the city.
julio
I'm not scared.
BORIS
He will stand on the palace balcony, his arms spread wide, addressing his people, showing he can't be cowed!
INTERVIEWER
Sounds risky.
BORIS
Yes. He'll get shot.
INTERVIEWER
Um...
BORIS
And we want you to orchestrate the assassination.
INTERVIEWER
(SURPRISED AND DELIGHTED) Well lob me like a grenade! How would he like to be assassinated?
BORIS
There's only one way... He needs to get shot by Perez!
JULIO
(PROTESTS IN SPANISH)
BORIS
You know it's for the best.
JULIO
(GRUMBLES) I suppose.
INTERVIEWER
He'll be standing on the palace balcony?
JULIO
(PROUDLY) Yes! Addressing my people!
INTERVIEWER
It faces onto a square?
BORIS
Correct. La Plaza de la Sangre Martirzada. We've got diagrams and a three dimensional model for you to work with.
INTERVIEWER
I won't be going to Panaragua?
BORIS
No need. My men are turning your cell into a war room as we speak. We've got an excellent team on the ground in Monterosa waiting to carry out your orders.
INTERVIEWER
Well bash me with a bazooka! This is going to be fun!
BORIS
Your brief is to give the crowd a big, bloody, cathartic assassination. We want them singing on the square! Death to the tyrant! Freedom for Panaragua! Long live the Pythons!
JULIO
HEY!
BORIS
(QUICKLY) But it will all be fake!
JULIO
(GRUNTS)
BORIS
We just need to give the people closure. Then they can... move on.
INTERVIEWER
Move on to what?
BORIS
A new regime.
INTERVIEWER
Under Perez?
BORIS
Yes.
beat.
INTERVIEWER
Well the assassination won't be a problem how would he like to come back?
beat.
JULIO
As Pablo Perez Garcia.
BEAT.
(LAUGHS)
INTERVIEWER
Jumping jellybeans! Let me get this straight... He wants to be assassinated by Perez on the palace balcony, then, moments later, reappear on the same balcony as Perez and declare regime change?
JULIO
I led the revolution in 1972, I can do it again!
BORIS
It's perfect! The people get their revolution, the president gets to stay in power, we get to keep our ally in the region, and everyone wins!
INTERVIEWER
What about Perez?
JULIO
You mean me.
INTERVIEWER
No, the real Perez.
JULIO
After I'm finished with that scoundrel, nobody will recognise him! (GRIM LAUGH) As from tomorrow I am the real Pablo Perez Garcia!
BORIS
(NERVOUSLY) What do you think? Can you do this?
INTERVIEWER
I'll need my team from London.
BORIS
We've got them.
INTERVIEWER
How much time do we have?
BORIS
You come up with a plan tonight. You present it to us tomorrow morning and we put it in action right away. We can't risk the rebels reaching the palace before we do.
JULIO
As a reward I will give you a palace on Playa Caramelo. Two palaces! Hey, you know what? I'll throw in a few islands!
INTERVIEWER
(WHISTLES)
BORIS
But if this fails, you will find out what happens in the Golovin basement...
INTERVIEWER
I think I can imagine.
BORIS
Oh believe me, you can't.
BORIS’ PHONE RINGS.
JULIO
Turn off your phone!
BORIS
It's Mikhail! I have to... Excuse me... (HE ACCEPTS THE CALL AND STARTS TO TALK URGENTLY IN RUSSIAN. HE LEAVES THE ROOM)
INTERVIEWER
Mobile phones are a scourge.
JULIO
Russians are so rude.
beat.
But I like you.
INTERVIEWER
(SURPRISED) You do? Sorry. That wasn't a question.
JULIO
You really think you can do this?
INTERVIEWER
I do!
JULIO
You can fake my assassination?
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
JULIO
You can turn me into Perez?
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
JULIO
I look nothing like Perez.
INTERVIEWER
Our surgeon is the best in the business.
JULIO
You can call me Julio.
INTERVIEWER
Thank you. Don't worry Julio, it will all go without a hitch.
BORIS COMES BACK.
BORIS
(SWEARS IN RUSSIAN) There's a hitch.
INTERVIEWER
What's that?
BORIS
Your team...
INTERVIEWER
Yes...
BORIS
Has gone missing.
INTERVIEWER
What do you mean they've gone missing?!
BORIS
Disappeared.
INTERVIEWER
Is this a joke?
It's really not the moment Boris!
BORIS
It's not a joke.
INTERVIEWER
What happened?!
BORIS
The surgeon and the Italians never reached the embassy.
INTERVIEWER
What about Alvina and Amelia?
BORIS
They boarded a plane to Moscow, but the plane...
INTERVIEWER
Yes?
BORIS
Well... It...
INTERVIEWER
Don't say disappeared.
BORIS
Disappeared.
INTERVIEWER
(FLIPS OUT) WHAT KIND OF AMATEURS ARE YOU??? YOU LOSE TRACK OF A PLANE??? HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE??? I TOLD YOU, I NEED MY TEAM!!!
BORIS
You managed perfectly well with Mai Linh...
INTERVIEWER
THAT WAS PEANUTS!!! THIS IS DIFFERENT!!! I MEAN HOW AM I GOING TO CHANGE JULIO'S IDENTITY WITHOUT A RUDDY SURGEON??! IT CAN'T BE DONE!!!
JULIO
(SHOCKED) You can't do it?
INTERVIEWER
Not without my team, no!
BORIS
You have to!
INTERVIEWER
Or else?
JULIO
Or else I'm screwed!
BORIS
Which means Mikhail is screwed. Which means I'm screwed. Which means you're screwed.
beat.
INTERVIEWER
Sounds like we're all going to have a jolly reunion in the Golovin basement.
BORIS
No... If you really put your mind to this, you can do it! (DESPERATE) You can do it!
INTERVIEWER
Faith in my abilities all of a sudden?
BORIS
We'll do anything you need! Please! You have to make this work!
BEAT.
INTERVIEWER
I'll need cocoa.
BORIS
Of course.
INTERVIEWER
Not the crap you serve at Golovin.
BORIS
We'll have the Kremlin's chef replicate Les Deux Magots' recipe and have it brought straight to your cell.
INTERVIEWER
You've got photos of Perez?
BORIS
Photos and medical records.
INTERVIEWER
I do like a challenge.
PAUSE.
JULIO
So...?
BORIS
So...?
PAUSE
INTERVIEWER
Fuckit. Let's do this!
SOUND OF CEILING FANS. FAINT JUNGLE NOISED FROM OUTSIDE. AMELIA AND ALVINA WALK DOWN A LONG CORRIDOR ESCORTED BY SAVANNAH.
SAVANNAH
Don't interrupt, always wait until he's finished speaking, don't fidget and don't mention 1972.
AMELIA
Right.
SAVANNAH
Oh, and don't mention Ed Sheeran.
ALVINA
Ed Sheeran?
SAVANNAH
He's a British pop star. Thought you'd know that.
ALVINA
I know who Ed Sheeran is, it's just...
SAVANNAH
Well he really really really doesn't like him.
ALVINA
Ed Sheeran?
SAVANNAH
Yes.
ALVINA
Huh.
THEY REACH THE END OF THE CORRIDOR AND STOP WALKING.
SAVANNAH
Are you ready?
AMELIA
Ready for what?
SAVANNAH
He'll explain.
SHE KNOCKS ON A DOOR.
(IN SPANISH) Pablo? They've arrived!
(IN ENGLISH TO AMELIA AND ALVINA) Please go in. Pablo Perez Garcia is waiting for you.
A MASHUP RUSSIAN/LATIN AMERICAN VERSION OF THE AMELIA THEME TUNE.
PHILIP
We hope you enjoyed the first half of Season 3. There are eleven more episodes planned for this season, and as you can tell, this show is getting bigger and more ambitious with every episode so in order to create the last eleven episodes, we need a bit more time and we need your help.
The show isn’t just getting more ambitious in terms of content, we’ve also become more ambitious about the role we want it to play in our lives. So far, for Oystein and myself, it’s essentially been a hobby. Patreon pledges and ads allowed us to pay our actors and engineers, rent studios and pay hosting fees, but over all these years we haven’t paid ourselves a single cent.
But as from 2021, our resolution is to make this a more sustainable part of our lives, we want this to slowly start becoming our job. We love making this show and we want to make it more frequently and we want to make it better and better.
As you know, the main way we fund this show is through our patrons on Patreon.com. Patrons pledge a small sum every time we release a full episode, it’s basically like leaving a tip each time we produce new content.
Our goal is to reach 450 patrons. Once we do that, making the show starts to become more sustainable. So, we’re starting a crowdfunding campaign and once we reach 450 patrons we will finish up and get ready the next part of the show and announce a launch date for it.
When it comes to the next two episodes, we’ve actually already recorded them and are in the midst of editing, so once we reach the first milestone of 400 patrons, and we’re only about ten patrons away from that, we will release those two right away.
The next episode is called The New President and picks up right where the episode you just listened to leaves off, and the one after that is called Alvina… I won’t give any spoilers for that one! We’ll release The New President within 72 hours of hitting 400 patrons.
So, if this show has brought you joy, if you want to keep it alive and support us making it, we’d be super grateful, even a pledge of just two dollars goes a long way and brings us a step closer to reaching our goal. If you want to take part go to ameliapodcast.com and click on support the show. And if you do so before Sunday, you’ll be able to join us for our Christmas Party livestream!
Thank you again for listening, and now the credits!
This episode was written and edited by Philip Thorne with story editing by Oystein Brager. It was directed by Oystein Brager and Philip Thorne with music and sound design by Fredrik Baden.
The episode featured Alan Burgon, Alexander Mercury, Andrei Zayats, James Carney, Lory Martinez, Julia Morizawa and Julia C Thorne.
The episode was recorded at The Bridge Writing Studio in London and engineered by Billy Halliday. Alan’s Russian coach was Mark Vertlib and our Spanish language consultant was Lala Drona. The Amelia Project is produced by Imploding Fictions with graphic design by Anders Pedersen.
Thank you to our super patrons Jem Fidick, Angel Acevedo, Sophie Levezow, Sophia Anderson, and Kate Sukeyasu. You are amazing.
Thank you for listening and hope to see you for the Amelia Christmas party livestream on Sunday!