THE ALVINA ARCHIVES EPISODE 7 - UPSTAIRS
(AMELIA ARCHIVES THEME)
THE AMELIA OFFICES, UPSTAIRS.
(WE ARE INSIDE, BUT WE CAN FAINTLY HEAR A PROPELLER AEROPLANE TAKING OFF OUTSIDE, NOT FAR AWAY. THERE'S ALSO RUMBLING FROM THE SUBWAY FAR BELOW US, WITH CLATTERING OF GLASSWARE IN A CUPBOARD AND THE PAINTINGS ON THE WALLS SHAKING, AS THE HOUSE IS BEING RATTLED)
(ALVINA ENTERS, TENTATIVELY AT FIRST, THEN MORE CONFIDENT)
ALVINA
Amelia? Amelia...? Amelia! Are you here?
(NO ANSWER)
Weird. I could have sworn I saw her go up the stairs five minutes ago.
Beat.
(LOUDER) Amelia! Are you here? I need to talk to you!
(FAST FOOTSTEPS COMING UP THE STAIRS)
Oh, Amelia, is that you? I didn't see you go down again -
(THE INTERVIEWER ENTERS)
INTERVIEWER
Oh what's this din!?
ALVINA
Oh, it's you.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, it's me! And I was just about to have my beauty sleep, when there's all this shouting and trampling about!
ALVINA
I was just looking for Amelia. Beauty sleep? Now? It's the middle of the afternoon! And you can't sleep now, you have the croquet champion at three thirty! I don't assume you read the case file, so I’ll give you a rundown -
INTERVIEWER
Ugh, I do know I have a client, and I also happened to know he was a chef, so you don't need to over-explain.
ALVINA
Athlete.
INTERVIEWER
A what?
ALVINA
Not a chef. Croquet. Not croquette.
INTERVIEWER
Ugh, well, whatever, I- I need my beauty sleep!
ALVINA
It's not night time!
INTERVIEWER
(TO HIMSELF) Ugh, good lord, she doesn’t know a thing! (VERY SLOWLY AS IF TALKING TO A CHILD) I don't get my beauty sleep at night! That's when I get rest!
ALVINA
... What?
INTERVIEWER
(ANGRY) My beauty sleep is the nap I take from seven past three to twenty-eight past three! Not to be confused with my afternoon nap, which happens right after lunch. Beauty sleep happens after my afternoon pot of cocoa and before afternoon tea!
ALVINA
Can you please add a get-less-cranky-nap to your schedule? You seem to need one.
INTERVIEWER
What are you doing up here anyway? Hm?! Amelia doesn't like us disturbing her.
ALVINA
I know, it's the first time I've ever been up here. I was going to tell her I finally managed to meet with Walter. I had to cancel at the last minute the first time, and then time just flew, but now I have results for her. Ground plans, work rotas - everything she asked for.
INTERVIEWER
Who's Walter?
ALVINA
Our new insider at St. Thomas.
INTERVIEWER
(DELIGHTED) Oh! The new corpse whisperer!
ALVINA
The new what?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, Corpse whisperer! Yes. (SATISFIED) It's what Kozlowski and I call the people who provide us with bodies.
ALVINA
Right. So, do you know where Amelia is?
INTERVIEWER
She is upstairs.
ALVINA
We are upstairs.
INTERVIEWER
(LAUGHS) Yes!
ALVINA
So she's here.
INTERVIEWER
No, she left.
ALVINA
And went where?
INTERVIEWER
Upstairs!
ALVINA
But we are upstairs!!
INTERVIEWER
(LAUGHS) Yes!
ALVINA
But she's not here?!
INTERVIEWER
No.
ALVINA
So... Do you know where she is?
INTERVIEWER
Yes. Not exactly. But close enough.
ALVINA
Okay. So where is she? And don't say upstairs!
INTERVIEWER
(OVERLAPPING, ENJOYING THIS) Upstairs.
ALVINA
Jesus! Can we please get out of this Abbott and Costello sketch!?
INTERVIEWER
Of course.
ALVINA
OK. I'm going to ask one more time: Do you know where Amelia is?
INTERVIEWER
Yes, I do.
ALVINA
And since she is not here - which is the top floor of this building - and since I assume she has not died and gone to heaven -
INTERVIEWER
I don't think so.
ALVINA (CON’T)
Where is she?
INTERVIEWER
She is -
ALVINA
Please! Please don't say upstairs. For the love of all that is sugary and sweet -
INTERVIEWER
(TO HIMSELF) Ugh… Never getting out of this am I… Alright, come with me… And let me show you something.
ALVINA
What?
(THE INTERVIEWER WALKS OVER TO A DOOR. HE OPENS IT. WIND)
INTERVIEWER
Come and have a look!
ALVINA
Okay.
Alvina walks over to him.
ALVINA
Is that...?
INTERVIEWER
Hah!
ALVINA
That's not what I think it is, is it?
INTERVIEWER
It is.
ALVINA
(STUTTERING) But how...!?
INTERVIEWER
You didn't expect a runway now did you?
ALVINA
Eh - no!
INTERVIEWER
For about three hundred yards or so down the street, we made all the landlords believe their attics were inhabited by bats. (CHUCKLES) We told them they were not allowed to use their attics whatsoever, not even enter. They mustn't disturb the endangered bat species - Chiroptera Londinus! These attics were the only places they'll breed…
The rest was easy-peasy. Strengthening the floors, making an opening at the end. The entrance-hole is right by an underground cooling pipe, there are no facing windows, and beyond that are the abandoned train tracks and so on. If you are going to hide a runway anywhere in London, there's really no better place. The opening is narrow, but... she's a very good pilot!
ALVINA
Are you telling me Amelia lands and takes off from this row of attics?
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
ALVINA
How do the people in these buildings not tell the difference between the sound of a propeller airplane and a flock of bats!?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, she only lands or takes off when the tube passes. Then all these buildings rattle like a pair of castanets anyway!
ALVINA
You're joking!
INTERVIEWER
What? Haven't you noticed? Oh, there we go! There comes one now.
(THE TUBE PASSES. THE BUILDING SHAKES AGAIN)
ALVINA
You want me to believe that a propeller airplane can take off from the a row of houses in the middle of London with no one noticing!?
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
ALVINA
When Amelia flew me here, we landed in that remote airfield down in Kent!
INTERVIEWER
Ah, well, you see. We need our special friend Charlotte at The London Terminal Control Centre to be at work of course. Bless her, she really wanted to be an Air Traffic Controller. You know, being the Queen's hairdresser can really take its toll?
ALVINA
I don't believe you!
INTERVIEWER
Alvina. When we don't know how to handle a situation, what do we say?
ALVINA
Let's ask upstairs.
INTERVIEWER
When we speak about Amelia in front of clients, what has she asked us to say instead of her name?
ALVINA
Upstairs.
INTERVIEWER
And did she ask you that before or after she had this room decorated?
ALVINA
Uhm - I think she told me as we were flying to London.
INTERVIEWER
There! You see! It's a code, sure, but it's also... poetry. Right now, Amelia is in her favourite office.
ALVINA
(UNDERSTANDING) Upstairs.
INTERVIEWER
Exactly. Look! That might be her now!
(FAINT SOUND OF A PROPELLER AEROPLANE PASSING FAR ABOVE THEM)
ALVINA
I'll believe it when I see it.
INTERVIEWER
Now, I'm five minutes late for my beauty sleep, which makes me two minutes late for my next appointment. Alvina, would you be a darling and push the Gothic architect back a few?
ALVINA
I'll push back your three-thirty. But it's not an architect.
INTERVIEWER
Wasn't it someone who worked with crockets?
ALVINA
Croquet! Croquet as in the sport! (TO HERSEFLF) Not like you’d know anything about that…
(THE INTERVIEWER IS ALREADY HEADING OFF)
INTERVIEWER
Toodles, nighty night!
ALVINA
(SIGHS)
(MUSIC)
END.