ALVINA ARCHIVES EPISODE 11 - VILLA BIANCA
(TITLE MUSIC)
VILLA BIANCA (CLOSED FOR REFURBISHMENT)
(CREAKING OF HESITANT FOOTSTEPS AS ALVINA ENTERS)
ALVINA
Hello?
(SHE ACCIDENTALLY KICKS AN EMPTY PAINT CAN IN THE DARK. IT ROLLS ACROSS THE FLOOR)
Ai! Mh. My toe...
(SHE WALKS A FEW MORE STEPS)
Ah… Hello? Anybody here?
(SILENCE. THEN A SMALL NOISE FROM SOMEWHERE IN THE ROOM, SOMEONE SHUFFLING ON A CHAIR?)
Hello? I brought the Scrabble set!
(SHE RATTLES THE SCRABBLE-BOX)
Is this Villa Bianca?
(ANOTHER SMALL CREAK OF A CHAIR - OR MAYBE A MOUSE?)
If there's someone here, could you plean turn on the light?
BEAT
I was supposed to meet a friend at Villa Bianca and the sign outside said Villa Bianca but maybe there's another restaurant with the same name? This place is obviously closed - I mean, you're refurbishing - you don't happen to know where the other Villa Bianca is?
BEAT
I'm sorry, I'll leave.
(TO HERSELF) There's clearly no one here...
(THE CLICK OF A LAMP WITH A STRING-PULL COMING ON)
INTERVIEWER
(MENACING) Welcome.
(ALVINA STARTS AND WALKS OVER TO HIM)
ALVINA
Ah! Gosh, I didn't see you. What is this place?
INTERVIEWER
Villa Bianca.
ALVINA
But it's closed! I was imagining that we'd be going to a fancy restaurant - I even dressed up! But this place is just half-empty paint cans and a dusty step ladder. The windows are all boarded up!
INTERVIEWER
I like the atmosphere. It seemed fitting.
ALVINA
Fitting for what?
INTERVIEWER
The owner let us borrow the premises. They're opening in two weeks. He is really looking forward to his new life as a chef. I hope he's learned how to cook.
ALVINA
Why are we here? If we're not eating, I'd like to go out and grab a sandwich, I'm starving -
INTERVIEWER
A trial.
BEAT.
ALVINA
A trial? Oh my god, I swear, I didn't break your "World's Best Uncle" cocoa mug! Professor Donnell was a little unsteady on her feet when she left your office, and to be fair the mug was perched precariously on the handrail - !
INTERVIEWER (INTERRUPTING)
It is not that kind of trial, it is a - wait - did you break my cocoa mug?
ALVINA
No! I'm telling you I didn't break it, it was professor Donnell!
INTERVIEWER
When professor Donnell had just left my office and I heard a big crash from the hallway and you came in carrying a stack of case files so high I couldn't see your face -
ALVINA
That's right!
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
- and I asked: "What was that crash?" and you said "Nothing!" and I said "Was that the sound of my absolute favorite cocoa mug in the whole world breaking? The one which is completely irreplaceable?" and you said "No, no, don't be silly, don't worry about it!" and I said "OK, I won't"-
ALVINA
That's when it turned out that professor Donnell had - !
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
- had you just knocked my "World's Best Uncle" cocoa mug over because you couldn't see where you were going behind the case files?
BEAT.
ALVINA
(LYING) No.
BEAT.
Okay, fine, I confess! I broke your cocoa mug! But you leave them everywhere! The office is like a bull-in-a-china-shop-themed obstacle course!
INTERVIEWER (TO HIMSELF)
Bull-in-a-china-shop-themed obstacle course... Oh! That could have been one of them...
BEAT.
Are you ready for your trial, Alvina Wright?
ALVINA (ACTUALLY TERRIFIED)
It was just a cocoa mug! What are you going to do? Kill me? Lock me up forever? I'm a very bad prisoner, you'll hate having to look after me! Wait, no! I'm an even more annoying corpse!
INTERVIEWER
We are not going to kill you. Or imprison you.
ALVINA
You're not? What about your cocoa mug?
INTERVIEWER
It was chipped anyway. Lorraine is going to get me a new one.
ALVINA (RELIEVED)
Oh!
INTERVIEWER
We are going to fire you.
ALVINA
What?!
INTERVIEWER
Perhaps. Or let you stay. That's what this trial will determine. When I said trial, I meant test.
ALVINA
Oh.
(PAUSE)
You are going to fire me?
INTERVIEWER
If you don't pass.
ALVINA
You can't do that! Amelia hired me!
INTERVIEWER
We refer to upstairs as upstairs.
ALVINA
I'm sorry, upstairs! Upstairs hired me! She said this job was for life, that there was no way out of it. She won't allow it - !
(CREAKING OF A CHAIR AND ALVINA STARTLES AGAIN)
AMELIA
I may have spoken too quickly.
ALVINA
Ah! Amelia, I didn't see you there. Do we have to have only one lamp on? It's very dark in here! You agree though - he can't fire me?
AMELIA
When I hired you, I may have been a tad too... trigger happy. I should have consulted with my two partners first. Which is why I have agreed to this trial. You have been with us for just over three months now-
ALVINA
And I have proven myself in that time, haven't I?
AMELIA
You absolutely have.
INTERVIEWER (AT THE SAME TIME)
Not so much.
AMELIA
But now the time has come to see if you are truly Amelia material.
ALVINA
But you've already invested in me! My face! Kozlowski just gave me my new face!
INTERVIEWER
And it really suits you. Much better than your previous one, I must say. How are you finding it?
ALVINA
Argh, I'm still creeped out every time I look in the mirror. This confident, demanding woman looking back at me... The point is, why change my face and then fire me? It doesn't make sense!
AMELIA
We change people's faces every day and send them on their way. There is no reason why we couldn't do the same to you.
ALVINA
Kozlowski won't allow it. He'll veto this. Over our breakfasts at the greasy spoon, we have bonded. To make my face, he had to see me! And he did! He has seen what I'm good for and... he wouldn't let you fire me!
KOZLOWSKI
Allaye...
ALVINA (STARTLED)
Ah!
KOZLOWSKI
I am sorry to disappoint you.
ALVINA
Why didn't I expect you to be hiding somewhere too? So, are you really on board with this?
KOZLOWSKI
The three of us came up with the contents of the trial together. It seemed the most fair way to settle the disagreement.
ALVINA
I see. So, what do I have to do?
KOZLOWSKI
Open the Scrabble box.
(ALVINA PLACES THE SCRABBLE BOX ON THE TABLE)
ALVINA
We're playing Scrabble?
INTERVIEWER
Not necessarily.
(ALVINA OPENS THE BOX)
ALVINA
What now?
INTERVIEWER
For each letter in the alphabet we have devised a different test. Which tile you pull will determine which test you have to pass.
ALVINA
Right... Why? Why not just decide on one test?
KOZLOWSKI
We thought it was fair to add an element of coincidence. Some of the tasks are perhaps easier, some harder, but who is to say which task you might excel at, and which one you would be bound to fail? We have got to know you a little in the last three months, sure, but we still do not know you that well.
ALVINA
I see.
AMELIA (QUIETLY)
The two of them couldn't agree on a test. First they couldn't decide between them, and then they kept coming up with new ideas...
ALVINA
That makes more sense.
BEAT.
Though... you told me to bring the Scrabble set when you invited me here?
INTERVIEWER
My first idea was to do a Scrabble tournament, but with North Korean rules.
ALVINA
What are North Korean rules?
INTERVIEWER
You take a chicken and a tub of jello -
KOZLOWSKI
We do not need to explain the North Korean rules.
INTERVIEWER
If she pulls an X we do!
AMELIA
Now close your eyes and pull a tile.
BEAT.
ALVINA
Do you have a chicken and a tub of jello out the back?
AMELIA
Just pull a tile.
(A LONG PAUSE)
ALVINA
(breathes in terrified anticipation)
Alvina pulls a tile.
BEAT.
AMELIA
So, what is it?
ALVINA
I don't dare look!
AMELIA
Alvina...
ALVINA
You look!
(ALVINA GIVES THE TILE TO AMELIA. AMELIA LOOKS AT IT)
AMELIA
(BREATHES WITH DISAPPOINTMENT)
ALVINA
What?
INTERVIEWER
What is it?
AMELIA
It's an "M".
INTERVIEWER
Oh no! Not an M!
AMELIA
It's an M...
INTERVIEWER
I said we should have come up with something different for M!
KOZLOWSKI
And I argued that we needed an element of the unexpected.
ALVINA
(TERRIFIED) What's the M? Is the M bad? Is it M for murder? Do I have to kill someone? Please! Tell me! What does M mean?!?!?!
AMELIA
Alvina... are you prepared to...
ALVINA
Yes?
AMELIA
Stand on one leg and sing the Marseillaise?
PAUSE.
ALVINA
What?
INTERVIEWER
Sing the Marseillaise. On one leg.
ALVINA (LAUGHING IN SURPRISE)
That's it?! Sing the Marseillaise?
AMELIA
Yes.
ALVINA
Well... sure! Of course I can do that! How many times do you want it? Should I close my eyes as I do it? Should I -
AMELIA
That won't be necessary. Just the Marseillaise please. On one leg.
ALVINA
OK.
KOZLOWSKI
Oh, and with gusto please!
ALVINA
I'll give you gusto!
(ALVINA BALANCES ON ONE LEG. SHE SINGS THE MARSEILLAISE WITH GUSTO)
ALVINA
Allons enfants de la Patrie
Le jour de gloire est arrivé!
Contre nous de la tyrannie
L'étendard sanglant est levé
L'étendard sanglant est levé
Entendez-vous dans les campagnes
Mugir ces féroces soldats?
Ils viennent jusque dans vos bras
Égorger vos fils, vos compagnes!
Aux armes, citoyens
Formez vos bataillons
Marchons, marchons!
Qu'un sang impur
Abreuve nos sillons!
(PAUSE. THEY'RE ALL TAKEN BY THE MOMENT, THE POWERFUL MUSIC)
AMELIA
Liberté...
KOZLOWSKI
Égalité...
INTERVIEWER
Chocolatier...
ALVINA (FEARFUL)
Did I pass?
INTERVIEWER (ANNOYED)
Yes, you passed.
KOZLOWSKI
With gusto!
AMELIA
Welcome to The Amelia Project - for good.
ALVINA (EMOTIONAL)
Oh. Thank you! Thank you so much - I - I didn't think I was going to get emotional... But I reckon I... really want this. These last three months, even if I don't understand, and even if I still have so much to learn - and even if the amount of stray cocoa mugs drives me crazy - I feel at home! I think I belong here.
INTERVIEWER
Don't oversell it.
KOZLOWSKI
I think so too, Alvina Wright.
AMELIA
(HAPPILY) I'll open the Veuve Clicquot.
INTERVIEWER
You're reading my mind!
(AMELIA GOES TO GET A BOTTLE AND FLUTES AND STARTS UNCORKING)
ALVINA
So what would have happened if I'd pulled an "E", say?
INTERVIEWER
Oh... You'd have had to run an errand for me.
ALVINA
What kind of an errand?
INTERVIEWER
I need new cocoa beans.
ALVINA
Well that's easy! There's a Tesco's just round the corner!
INTERVIEWER
Not from Tesco's! You have to travel to Mexico, swim through a lake of electric eels and fight the local cocoa mafia to get your hands on these beans!
ALVINA
Swim through a lake of electric eels and fight a mafia? But... I would have died in the process! And "E” is the letter there's the most of!
INTERVIEWER
You can be glad you didn't pull a C, then you would have had to make a whole country disappear!
ALVINA
I would have had to do what?
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
But you could have picked any country you like! There are many to choose from. Some are very small. Luxembourg for example. It can't be that hard to make Luxembourg vanish.
ALVINA
You people are insane!
(AMELIA FINISHES POURING CHAMPAGNE AND HANDS OUT FLUTES TO EVERYONE)
AMELIA
Here you go. One for you, one for you, and one for Alvina-
ALVINA
Thank you!
AMELIA
I'm glad you're staying!
ALVINA
So, are we toasting then? That is the tradition, isn't it? Never champagne without a toast!
AMELIA
True. What should we toast to?
INTERVIEWER
I'll have to think...
PAUSE.
ALVINA
Tuvalu.
INTERVIEWER
What? Why are we toasting to Tuvalu?
ALVINA
No, I would have chosen Tuvalu. It's an easy country to make disappear. Dig up the islands, transport them via ship or submarine to somewhere else, pretend the islands have sunk in the ocean.
KOZLOWSKI
Not bad.
INTERVIEWER
Hm. I think we should toast to... proving yourself.
AMELIA
To proving yourself.
ALVINA
To proving yourself.
KOZLOWSKI
To proving yourself... and fitting in.
ALL
Cheers!
(THEY CLINK AND DRINK)
PIP
Villa Bianca was a Patreon special written by Oystein Brager with story and audio editing by Philip Thorne, sound design by Adam Raymonda and music by Fredrik Baden.
It featured Julia C. Thorne as Alvina, Alan Burgon as The Interviewer, Julia Morizawa as Amelia and Hemi Yeroham as Kozlowski.
Graphic design by Anders Pedersen and production assistance by Maty Parzival.
Are you curious about the challenges Alvina would have faced had she picked another scrabble tile?
The week after next, on Patreon, we will be posting the full list of challenges from A - Z, including The Interviewers doodles!
There will also be one more episode of The Alvina Archives Season 1, after which we will be releasing a supercut, so you can easily listen to the whole thing in sequence.
Thank you all for your support, and we can’t wait to be back with the next regular Amelia Project episode, next week!